thorton90 Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 I recently broke up with my girlfriend. The decision was hers and I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken. I would also love to say that my story ended there, the film would fade out, the credits would start to roll and the audience would leave the cinema feeling sobered by my story, but also knowing that with enough time and space I would eventually be back on track. Unfortunately things for me haven't been quite as straightforward, and although no break should ever be considered simple, I can't help but feel that the way this breakup has panned out has made it far from traditional. The facts are this: I had been 'with' my girlfriend on and off for about a year and a half, although for the last 6 months we saw each other every day/night and we would have been considered by most as an item. About 2 months ago I was given the opportunity to move in with two of my best friends who I had known since school. The place was enormous, extremely well located and amazingly cheap (for London!) It was a golden opportunity which I couldn’t turn down. As it happens my girlfriend had also been looking for a place to live with one of her best friends. When she found out about this place, and that there were 2 spare rooms going, she asked me if I'd be happy for them to both move in with us. They say love is blind, but in that moment I found it blinding and in the absence of foresight (although I now have plenty of heinseit) I let my heart rule my head and said yes. My decision would and should be considered an incredibly naive one, but was based on the (wrong) presumption that she wouldn't have asked to move in unless she saw longevity in what we had. From my perspective, we had both been pretty much cohabiting for the last 6 months, we had met each other's families, we had been on holiday together and had even talked about what we would get each other for Christmas (it's was then March.) You can probably guess where this is going. About 3 weeks after the move I started picking up on small changes in the way she acted around me. The combination of her body language, her eyes, her choice of words and her tonality meant that when a few days later she delivered the dreaded line 'I think we should break-up', it didn't feel like a bolt from the blue. Even though I was heartbroken, I was ready to hear it, however, I definitely wasn't prepared to hear that, despite engineering (and apologising for) this situation, she wasn't prepared to make amends for this by moving out. Love, hate, embarrassment, hopelessness, jealously, envy & rage are just a few of the emotions that I've been feeling for the last month. I admit these are all emotions you would expect from a painful breakup, but living under the same roof as the girl who just 1 month ago I would have been prepared to spend my life with, has meant that rather than fading over time, these emotions are getting stronger by the day. As you would imagine I’ve spoken to a lot of people about my situation. The advice I’ve received has been mixed, and ranges from being the bigger man and acting like nothing has happened, all the way to somehow framing her in an attempt to have her kicked out. Unfortunately neither ends of the spectrum really appeal to me – Although there is definitely a lot of animosity in the house (my friends are on my side, her friend is on her side,) I don’t have it in me to be truly horrible to her, and have been getting through this by (appearing to) ignore her presence. At the other end of the spectrum, I’m afraid that whilst she continues to live under the same roof as me, I can never bring myself to forgive and forget what she has done. The reason that this is a real sticking point for me is because it’s since transpired that she had planned on breaking up long before the move, and so must have anticipated that we would have ended up in this situation and by her own account she had hoped that somehow we would still be friends. She seems to have taken the decision that the emotional price I’m still paying, day in, day out is outweighed by her desire to have her cake and eat it. Without time and space I just can’t let her have this. Why don’t I move out you are probably asking? The reality is that this may be my only option but there are a few reasons why I haven’t done this yet: The main reason is that I don’t feel like I should have to. All things being equal, I’m very comfortable where I am and, although I said she could move in, I thought that by the nature of her asking to live with me, there was a tacit agreement that if things didn’t work out, she would have to move on. I don’t have any other good friends else to live with. That’s not to say that I don’t have many friends, it’s just that all of them are well settled in their own places and can’t take me in. I’m not sure if I would feel much better about things. Granted, the immediate pain of having to see her everyday would be gone if I moved out, but I would be left living by myself, feeling cheated out of a great place, with great friends, which in itself would serve as a constant reminder of the pain this situation has caused me. Although typing this all out has in itself been quite cathartic, I started this post because I’m desperate for some advice, ideally from someone who has seen or experienced a similar situation before. This is all taking up too much of my head-space now and I can feel myself falling into a depression, so any advice, from anyone, would be greatly appreciated.
Snakechammah Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 In my opinion, the best revenge is to live well. Since she has chosen to be in a place where she will SEE you day in, day out, use this opportunity to better yourself, make yourself more attractive, BE HAPPY, and prove to her what she is missing. The moment you start dating a new chick (and the new chick starts hanging out in the house) and she seeing how happy you are, is the moment she will scramble to win your affections back. Embrace life. So it has ended with her. Time for an upgrade. In the meantime, just ignore her. Don't put her on a pedestal. She's just somebody you used to know, living in the same place. Move on with your life, and block her mentally. All the best! 1
Author thorton90 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 Thanks Snakechammah, Definitely good advice and something that I'm trying to do as best as possible. I've joined a gym, I'm booking up holidays and generally trying not to mope around the house if I can at all help it. The whole bringing a girl back is something I've considered, but my worry is that she (as an attractive, gregarious girl) could quite easily up the stakes and start bringing guy/s back. I suppose it's mutually assured destruction if I do that, but then again maybe I won't mind so much if I've got a girl with me... A difficult decision and perhaps something I shouldn't plan to do, but if it happens and feels right then why fight it? I'm also unsure if I should keep ignoring (i.e. totally blanking) her, or instead converse with her but on a 'person I live with but aren't friends with' level. Any advice?
sugarlove Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 How badly do you want this to be over? If really badly, then for your own sake, move out. One thing I learn in life is that the only change in life we can control is us. So if you want to move on easily, take the steps to move out. If you want to stay in that place and suffer the tension in the air, stay. Either way, you need to make a best choice for you. You can't ask her to go anywhere, nor any of your friends. Personally, I feel moving out is your best option, I used to live under the same roof as my ex husband during a trial separation, worst decision I made. The home was no longer a haven to come home to and I dread going home every day. So I left, because I needed a fresh start, it's not easy but it's needed for my own sanity. Best decision I made!
d0nnivain Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Have you talked to her? Have you asked her to move out? Where do the other roommates stand on this situation? It can't be all that much fun for them to live with you two.
Author thorton90 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Posted June 30, 2014 I absolutely tried to talk with her and explain why she really needs to move out, but she would end up saying things that made the situation worse, such as: "But I really like living in this area" - Being close to the overground and a park is more important than sending me into a depression. "We were never serious" - As you can imagine, this one hurt the most I thought that perhaps this was just a defensive mechanism and rather than trying to speak face to face, I sent her quite a lengthy message that she could read by herself. In it I explained just how her actions/words/decision not to move out had made me feel, and asked her to reflect on whether I had done anything in the relationship to deserve it. To my genuine surprise she sen't a fairly apologetic message back and said that she would move out. 1 week passed and nothing seemed to have happened. I asked her what her plans were and she said she said that both her and her friend (the one that moved in at the same time) were looking for a new place together. Another week passed, again nothing seemed to have happened and at the beginning of last week she messaged me asking if we could have a chat. Instantly I just knew that she was going to tell me she had changed her mind, which of course she had. I have now abandoned all attempts to reason her out. My 2 friends are with me on this and told her that what she's doing is messed up and that she needs to go. She just won't speak with them now. Her friend it seems is on her side, but probably for the wrong reasons. The rest of the people in the house know about it, have an opinion (that she should go,) but rightly or wrongly aren't getting involved.
Chi townD Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Something is making her change her behavior. Dude, it's only a matter of time before she starts bring guys around the place. You need to think of something and fast.
loversquarrel Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Wow, well that sucks. As previously mentioned, just wait til she starts bringing guys around, then what will you do? I see the possibilities of a domestic violence situation brewing. I won't tell you to be the bigger man here but I will tell you to be the SMARTER one. Leaving will keep you out of legal trouble and will be much healthier for you in the long run. Who knows, maybe the friends that side with you will resent her to the point that she ends up moving out, then you can move back in.
No Limit Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Move out, stay on the higher road and enjoy life, or be on the evil road and bring ONS to your room. Good luck.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 What do your other roommates have to say? Whose names are on the lease?
carrie_o Posted June 30, 2014 Posted June 30, 2014 Is her name on the lease? I'm not sure about the UK laws but in the US, if her name isn't on the lease, you could send her an eviction notice. If she doesn't leave by a certain point, you could get the police to physically remove her. Is there some similar law in London?
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