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Have you ever been over an ex but still hated them with a passion?

nousername21

By nousername21
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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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The title explains it all but if you have, why? What made you continue to hate them? (i.e. children involved, hurt you too much, etc)

Lernaean_Hydra Established Member

Lernaean_Hydra

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No, because if you still hate them, you are obviously not over them.

 

I disagree. You can be "over" someone while simultaneously still having feelings of anger, resentment, etc toward them. Not being over someone implies you still have some sort of romantic feelings for them. I hated my ex for a really long time - one of my recent threads was even about him - but did not in any way ever want to get back with him.

Edited by Lernaean_Hydra
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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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I'm asking because my current boyfriend has an ex he absolutely hates but for reasons that don't center around the relationship they had. They have a kid together and she forever uses the kid as a bargaining chip, in fact he hasn't been able to see his kid for over a year and the last time he did, she threatened to have him arrested for kidnapping for absolutely no reason. She's just an all around immature person. She claims it's because the kid doesn't do well with change and when he went to the army, she got married and from facebook it appears has the kid (who is 3) thinking the guy she was married to is his father. Do you think that changes things? I feel maybe but I have no idea how that situation would be so sometimes I admittedly think too much into it. He never talks to her ever, his parents keep up with her because whenever he used to try it would never work out, she would just use the kid as a way to control him and then still not really let him see him. She'd tell his mom that the only way she could see her grandkid is if he didn't come with her but then denied them the ability to see the kid whenever she felt my boyfriend wasn't being nice to her (i.e blocking her on social media). Before people assume he's just a deadbeat or something for not seeing the kid or "trying hard enough" he has. Given this, do you think it's reasonable for him to hate her but be over the relationship they had at the same time?

Tressugar Established Member

Tressugar

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You sound like my husband's ex. There's a thin line between love and hate. In order to hate anyone or anything there has to be some feelings there.

2.50 a gallon Established Member

2.50 a gallon

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I have long been over my exW of over 30 years ago. I went on to have a fantastic sex life most men only get to dream of. I am now in a 18 plus year very loving relationship with one of the sweetest gals on this planet, who is out of my league in the looks department. And yes I still harbor some hate for my ex. At the breakup of our marriage I lost all faith in marriage, hence have never remarried and never had a family. Should I ever see her laying by the road, and should she ask me to call her an ambulance. My reply would be, "You're an ambulance"

 

 

My lady still hates her abusive ex, and he has been dead for almost a decade.

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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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That's reassuring. It just concerns me because you always hear that you can't hate your ex without still being in love with them so it's worrying.

leavesonautumn Established Member

leavesonautumn

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I'm going to disagree with some of the posters on this one. He has some pretty clear reasons for hating her. Is he supposed to like the person who is trying to keep him away from his kids? I think it's safe to say he hates her in a way that is separate from their actual relationship together as a couple. He's probably over the relationship but has some lingering hate due to how she is treating him in regards to the children. It would be different if no children were involved and they haven't spoken in years and he still hates his ex. Not everything is black and white.

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ASG Established Member

ASG

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I wouldn't say hate, but I still harbour some resentment towards my ex. I'm not sure which one of us I seem to be unable to forgive... him for treating me like crap or me for taking it for as long as I did.

 

Mostly I just don't pay him any mind. We chat sometimes, but more and more I find myself not wanting to stay friendly. I will probably unfriend him on FB in the not too distant future.

 

I am completely over him. And have been since a fee months after our break up

Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

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I still hate my ex and don't see that changing. I never wanted to get back with him.

 

My hate towards him stems mostly from opening up to him and revealing some stuff that I never did to anyone. He used it against me in a very vicious manner. It made me extremely insecure about revealing this stuff to anyone in the future - in fact I can't see myself ever doing it. I hate him for doing that to me. My hate is so strong than anything connected to him repulses me. We have been NC/blocked everywhere for a year.

 

I just gave some thought as to what would make me hate him less. Perhaps a sincere apology, although I never see him doing that.

Edited by Eternal Sunshine
Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

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Posted (edited)
I'm asking because my current boyfriend has an ex he absolutely hates but for reasons that don't center around the relationship they had. They have a kid together and she forever uses the kid as a bargaining chip, in fact he hasn't been able to see his kid for over a year and the last time he did, she threatened to have him arrested for kidnapping for absolutely no reason.

 

Do you know what kind of relationship they really had? have you sent in a private investigator or even so much as talked to her about this relationship...so what makes you think you know anything about this past relationships, other than what this guy has told you?

 

You know how many bad men there are out there that treat someone like crap, then meet someone new and tell this whole sad story of how they are neglected and she's just "crazy"? You think all you're getting is the plain unfiltered truth? at most you know very little the grey little details apart from all the black and white you've seen.

 

I guarantee you every guy that's wronged a woman goes around and plays the victim to the new one.

 

She's just an all around immature person. She claims it's because the kid doesn't do well with change and when he went to the army, she got married and from facebook it appears has the kid (who is 3) thinking the guy she was married to is his father. Do you think that changes things? I feel maybe but I have no idea how that situation would be so sometimes I admittedly think too much into it.

 

Oh she's just an immature all around person, and your guy isn't? if she's so immature and crazy then why did he have a baby with her? oh she tricked him or something like that? probably did something "crazy" while he was just the poor little victim right?

 

You're not the parent, and you're not responsible for this child...this has nothing to do with you. I'm not even speaking from any position of bias because I'm not dealing with this crap in my life, If I were in your shoes I wouldn't even be there. Because I wouldn't waste my time trying to "figure out" who's the correct father and all of that, and yet for some reason you want to bury your nose into his business with his ex-wife or whoever it is, and try to "figure it out" going based off the "story" that your current guy tells you which can be just a small window into what REALLY happened, men tend to forget things they've done that caused themselves the problems they have.

 

He never talks to her ever, his parents keep up with her because whenever he used to try it would never work out, she would just use the kid as a way to control him and then still not really let him see him. She'd tell his mom that the only way she could see her grandkid is if he didn't come with her but then denied them the ability to see the kid whenever she felt my boyfriend wasn't being nice to her (i.e blocking her on social media). Before people assume he's just a deadbeat or something for not seeing the kid or "trying hard enough" he has. Given this, do you think it's reasonable for him to hate her but be over the relationship they had at the same time?

 

So they have poor communication, and she has her reasons for wanting him out of her life. How do you know it's to control him though? She'd probably rather forget about him if she could, she does what she wants on her FB because that's her life now and she wants to forget the past and move forward...most women do that, and most women can't keep their nose out of the past either, why are you even snooping on her wall for? You don't really have the whole story, and you can't know, you have to assume that this guy has done something to warrant this behavior from her...because a woman is not typically going to just dismiss this really good loving guy just because she's being a b!tch, when they share a child together.

 

I don't trust your boyfriend because I know men and this sounds all too common, I know how well they spin the entire story and just pin the "crazy" badge on the woman when they absolutely contributed to it, but it's not like they're going tell you or maybe not even admit it to themselves, just going to cry about the consequences...but do you get "crazy" for no reason? would you do what she's doing just for the hell of it? you think she's got no justification or reason to do whatever she's doing? No, but you see your BF make a few "honest" gestures you think he's some good guy just being abused.

 

There's got to be a pretty damn good reason don't you think if she's being this resistant for him even meeting with the child? oh but because he gave you some piss excuse you believe it? she's married, but she doesn't have the right to dismiss the father of her child without good reason, and if that's the case then let the courts figure it out..he got this B pregnant, that's what happens when you just pop out kids without even judging the character of the person you are with....and sometimes, surprise surprise, you didn't know the person as well as you thought but that won't exactly make the news.

 

Your BF may hate his EX for what she does with the child, but the question is why do they have such a volatile relationship in the first place...and they know that, you don't...you'll get the buttered up, one-sided psycho B story so you can sulk in the sorrow and pity of your BF like he had nothing do with all this and furthermore act like you've got something to even do with the entire situation, this isn't about you...if you don't want this drama then leave, this is going to be his life and it's probably not going to go away anytime soon so you might as well get comfortable...and yes, chances are he still loves his ex..you could very well be his little side-kick, someone to take his mind off things once in a while an entertain him while he invests all his true energy into his child and ex-wife.

Edited by Ninjainpajamas
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Stillits Established Member

Stillits

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It is said that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

 

 

Don't consider myself over someone until I'm at the stage of indifference.

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Meatballsmom Established Member

Meatballsmom

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As a grandmother of a teenager I have been around well over a half a century. Take what np says with a grain of salt, in trying to place all of the blame on your BF. All too often, I have seen mean women use their children as a manipulative tool for their own vindictive reasons. This is an ongoing situation, and it involves his child, so yes he can move on and hate her with a passion. WE can forgive, but forgetting is another thing. Sometimes the scars are too deep

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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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Do you know what kind of relationship they really had? have you sent in a private investigator or even so much as talked to her about this relationship...so what makes you think you know anything about this past relationships, other than what this guy has told you?

 

You know how many bad men there are out there that treat someone like crap, then meet someone new and tell this whole sad story of how they are neglected and she's just "crazy"? You think all you're getting is the plain unfiltered truth? at most you know very little the grey little details apart from all the black and white you've seen.

 

I guarantee you every guy that's wronged a woman goes around and plays the victim to the new one.

 

 

Oh she's just an immature all around person, and your guy isn't? if she's so immature and crazy then why did he have a baby with her? oh she tricked him or something like that? probably did something "crazy" while he was just the poor little victim right?

 

You're not the parent, and you're not responsible for this child...this has nothing to do with you. I'm not even speaking from any position of bias because I'm not dealing with this crap in my life, If I were in your shoes I wouldn't even be there. Because I wouldn't waste my time trying to "figure out" who's the correct father and all of that, and yet for some reason you want to bury your nose into his business with his ex-wife or whoever it is, and try to "figure it out" going based off the "story" that your current guy tells you which can be just a small window into what REALLY happened, men tend to forget things they've done that caused themselves the problems they have.

 

 

So they have poor communication, and she has her reasons for wanting him out of her life. How do you know it's to control him though? She'd probably rather forget about him if she could, she does what she wants on her FB because that's her life now and she wants to forget the past and move forward...most women do that, and most women can't keep their nose out of the past either, why are you even snooping on her wall for? You don't really have the whole story, and you can't know, you have to assume that this guy has done something to warrant this behavior from her...because a woman is not typically going to just dismiss this really good loving guy just because she's being a b!tch, when they share a child together.

 

I don't trust your boyfriend because I know men and this sounds all too common, I know how well they spin the entire story and just pin the "crazy" badge on the woman when they absolutely contributed to it, but it's not like they're going tell you or maybe not even admit it to themselves, just going to cry about the consequences...but do you get "crazy" for no reason? would you do what she's doing just for the hell of it? you think she's got no justification or reason to do whatever she's doing? No, but you see your BF make a few "honest" gestures you think he's some good guy just being abused.

 

There's got to be a pretty damn good reason don't you think if she's being this resistant for him even meeting with the child? oh but because he gave you some piss excuse you believe it? she's married, but she doesn't have the right to dismiss the father of her child without good reason, and if that's the case then let the courts figure it out..he got this B pregnant, that's what happens when you just pop out kids without even judging the character of the person you are with....and sometimes, surprise surprise, you didn't know the person as well as you thought but that won't exactly make the news.

 

Your BF may hate his EX for what she does with the child, but the question is why do they have such a volatile relationship in the first place...and they know that, you don't...you'll get the buttered up, one-sided psycho B story so you can sulk in the sorrow and pity of your BF like he had nothing do with all this and furthermore act like you've got something to even do with the entire situation, this isn't about you...if you don't want this drama then leave, this is going to be his life and it's probably not going to go away anytime soon so you might as well get comfortable...and yes, chances are he still loves his ex..you could very well be his little side-kick, someone to take his mind off things once in a while an entertain him while he invests all his true energy into his child and ex-wife.

 

 

I should've included more. He doesn't claim to be the victim at all in the relationship. He said he was the cause for most of the problems and he doesn't blame her for leaving him. He's not mad at all about that. When having discussions about him taking it to court, he's shown me messages over the years where he's talked to her about it and she's just come up with excuses as to why he can't see his kid. I wouldn't believe stuff like this without proof. She once reached out to me, trying to get sympathy but she had NO valid reasons for not wanting him to see it. She admitted that she once told him he couldn't see his kid because he had a new girlfriend. She told me that she thinks it's acceptable for him to not see the kid because he "wasn't there for her when she was pregnant" and then she continued on to tell me that he went out of state for three days for his grandmothers birthday the day after she found out she was pregnant and that he wasn't there for her when he was losing her baby (miscarriage with her husband), that he never contacts her to ask how she's doing. SHE lied to me when she contacted me and she didn't tell me anything "horrible" that he did that was news to me. I really don't think this is an issue of him just lying about the whole situation because I've actually spoken with her (not because I'm trying to get involved in it because it is their kid, not mine but because she randomly contacted me and wanted to talk to me) and she told me reasons she hasn't wanted him to get involved but then also claimed that she "begged him for a long time to be part of his kid's life" but I've seen plenty messages and heard from his parents the truth about that. She isn't a good person. She has actually said "I don't think you realize, I have full custody so that means everything is up to me. If I don't want him to have part in his life, there is nothing he can do about it and if he tries, I'll make sure I won't have to worry about him anymore." She laughed about how she attacked her ex husband (which btw she only married for the money, he's a lot older than her and as soon as she left his job they separated after being married for 6 months) and when he pushed her away she got him arrested. He got her pregnant by accident, only a month into dating. She was on birth control and then got put on antibiotics and didn't think to mention it to him. The thing about wanting her kid to think her husband was his father, wasn't out of no where. He didn't even tell me that. He didn't know. It was on her facebook. She was sharing some woeful story of how her kid to turned to her and said something about how he missed his daddy and was sad that his daddy doesn't love him and how he missed the day they went and picked out a christmas tree and how she told him that it doesn't matter if his father loves him or not, that they didn't need him. Then went on to talk about how he isn't taking care of her or the kid anymore (after her separation from her husband) (absolutely no way she's talking about my current because she admits it in the status). So yes, I have more proof about how she is from her herself and from evidence he's shown me.

Tressugar Established Member

Tressugar

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@ Nin...that's real talk! You tell 'em!

 

I agree when you are totally over someone you are indifferent towards the other person. That's how I knew I was over my ex.

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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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@ Nin...that's real talk! You tell 'em!

 

I agree when you are totally over someone you are indifferent towards the other person. That's how I knew I was over my ex.

 

 

So you don't think it's likely that his resentment against her isn't related to the relationship even given the kid situation?

Tressugar Established Member

Tressugar

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Op, from woman to woman my husband is going through what your man is going through. It's his problem to deal with. Let the parents of the child worry about the outcome. I'm speaking from experience...it's not worth the drama of playing the middle man. What will probably end up happening is he'll have to wait to see his kid when the kid gets older. That way the kid can have some say with the court.

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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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Op, from woman to woman my husband is going through what your man is going through. It's his problem to deal with. Let the parents of the child worry about the outcome. I'm speaking from experience...it's not worth the drama of playing the middle man. What will probably end up happening is he'll have to wait to see his kid when the kid gets older. That way the kid can have some say with the court.

 

I'm aware of that. I'm not making it my problem. My question is centered about my relationship and the reason I brought the kid situation up is because it could be a sensible reason to hate an ex even after you're over them.

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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No.

 

My intense feelings all subsided after 1-2 years max. Before that I had an ex where every time I heard his name I wanted to throw up lol...now I'm absolutely indifferent.

 

I can look back at certain incidences that occurred with particular exes and get upset all over again when I think about them but I don't actively hate them with a passion and am mostly indifferent towards them, which feels great.

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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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No.

 

My intense feelings all subsided after 1-2 years max. Before that I had an ex where every time I heard his name I wanted to throw up lol...now I'm absolutely indifferent.

 

I can look back at certain incidences that occurred with particular exes and get upset all over again when I think about them but I don't actively hate them with a passion and am mostly indifferent towards them, which feels great.

 

Yeah, that's how I am for the most part so that's why I'm wondering.

Ordinaryday Established Member

Ordinaryday

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It is said that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference.

 

 

Don't consider myself over someone until I'm at the stage of indifference.

 

that was a quote from desperate housewives.... don't take it too seriously.

Got it Established Member

Got it

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I'm aware of that. I'm not making it my problem. My question is centered about my relationship and the reason I brought the kid situation up is because it could be a sensible reason to hate an ex even after you're over them.

 

No, I have no issues of hate with an ex.

 

My husband does have strong feelings with his ex, and has used the hate word, because of current and active actions against his relationship with his kids. That is different than staying stuck in the past and growing/nurturing past resentments.

 

While I do think the goal is indifference there is a different timeline depending on each person's situation and for them to decide when it is an issue they are stuck in and need to work on moving forward.

beatcuff Established Member

beatcuff

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OP, now use anger in place of hate and what do you have? is that not stage 2 of healing?

 

AND we have drifted from the original thought: can you hate/be angry at someone you are OVER. no.

 

i think people think of love/hate as a line, it is actually a circle. with love and hate at the top and indifference at the bottom. that explains why you get angry when one you love fails you and can recover so quickly (back to love).

 

thinking another way --- what is you opinion of the economic situation in Madagascar? no opinion? why? you are indifferent.

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nousername21 Member

nousername21

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OP, now use anger in place of hate and what do you have? is that not stage 2 of healing?

 

AND we have drifted from the original thought: can you hate/be angry at someone you are OVER. no.

 

i think people think of love/hate as a line, it is actually a circle. with love and hate at the top and indifference at the bottom. that explains why you get angry when one you love fails you and can recover so quickly (back to love).

 

thinking another way --- what is you opinion of the economic situation in Madagascar? no opinion? why? you are indifferent.

 

Good point but do you think the situation changes when there's kids involved and the ex has kept his kid from him and has pretty much tried to ensure that the kid doesn't even know he exists? If he claims his hate has nothing to do with the relationship they had but the fact that she uses his kid as a bargaining chip.

carrie_o Established Member

carrie_o

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It sounds like his hate does stem from love... but not love for the ex, love for his kid. If he loves his child, of course he's going to feel strongly towards anyone keeping them apart.

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eye of the storm Established Member

eye of the storm

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My therapist told me I would know the day I was over my ExH. Completely over and done. When thinking of him gave me no strong emotional reaction.

 

 

 

I'm happy to say I can even have a friendly conversation with him now, and all I mainly feel is mild feelings, usually along the lines of going to the dentist. Not something I enjoy but is a necessary part of life (we have kids, older but still a connection). It took years, therapy, and drugs...but I got there. Once in awhile he will do something that sends me back to past emotions but I recognize them, refocus, and get back on track.

 

Even if you don't want to be with someone, having strong feelings even including hate means you are still connected to someone.

 

That being said, if she is playing with his parental rights, he has a valid reason for strong emotions.

 

I am actually more curious about why you are so concerned with what the average person would consider normal reactions. Your post isn't about how she is interfering or how he is angry all the time or really anything I would, personally, consider normal. You are concerned he still wants to be with his ExW because he hates her. What besides being angry makes your radar go off that he may be looking to replace you?

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