LaDonna Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Hello all, I am new here and wanted to share a story and get some true, hard advice. Mostly on what/how men think... He's 40 & I am 43... I have been sorta seeing this guy I work with for about 6 months. Well, I am not sure when I could even say I started seeing him. We have been texting for about a year. We used to text very flirty/sexual messages in the first few months. We actually slept together in December 2013 & continued to about 1x a week after that until May 1st. Now let me insert the caveat here....he told me in the beginning he's not ready for a relationship. He is currently going thru a divorce (consequently so am I). Neither one of us lives with our exes. He has no kids and I have 2. I had initiated the "what's going on with us" conversation about 3 times since we've been talking (1 year). The first 2x it wasn't so bad, not much changed. This last time which was around May 7th or 8th I think changed things. He never flirts with me anymore but does text me daily and I think he does care about me. He calls less but does call occasionally. Since August last year (after the first conversation) I decided not to initiate ANY form of contact with him so for months it's been all him. I really try hard not to be needy or insecure but it has come out. I think I may have ruined things... A couple weeks ago he started calling me more often again and I swore I'd just be happy with things the way they were and not mess them up. I didn't get the chance though....the very next day he was all cold and distant. This in turn made me pull away a bit but we are getting back into the groove of things and it's getting better. He is still not flirting with me any longer or its very rare now. He still finds a way to contact me daily (except for yesterday and today). Sigh.... I do not plan on initiating any contact with him but I have to admit I am bummed. Is there a way to salvage what I had before (flirty texts, attention and calling me) or am I doomed? I know it's hard to maybe give advice since I can't put the entire story down in writing but I hope there's enough here to give someone an idea of what I can expect or do? Like I said, I work with him a couple days a week so being absolutely scarce is not an option for me. I do not chase him by any means but I can't seem to stay away any more than I have been since we work together. What to do? Thanks and sorry for the long post...
Assasda Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 If you want that old thing back, you might wanna try calling him again then. Going out to dinner 1
JungleLover Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I do not plan on initiating any contact with him but I have to admit I am bummed. Is there a way to salvage what I had before (flirty texts, attention and calling me) or am I doomed? . Yes, there is a way...learning the art of backing off. Continue to not initiate contact. Let him contact you and if he gets playful, you can get playful back but do not initiate the playfulness yourself. For example, if he sends you a flirty text tonight, you can respond with a flirty text and do it all night long until things are wrapped up. Do not send him a text the following day , not even to wish him a great day. Let him do it. I would keep this up until you are back into full swing. It will get back there. You were putting out and he is coming out of a divorce so he won't just walk away from this forever at this point. 1
Author LaDonna Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Thanks for the quick reply JungleLover. Oh I so wish he'd send me a flirty text. He has not in so long. He helped me out with a favor a couple weeks ago to where we had an hour drive together and he did make a few flirty/sexual comments that day but on the regular, it has not been happening. We worked together on a project last week and he swatted my butt at one point--I was so surprised I jumped because it was unexpected. He contacts me regularly & seems to want to see me but I don't understand the instant pull back from last week? I did nothing wrong at all. I also don't totally understand the complete lack of flirting for the last month. Maybe it's because he can't give me what I'm looking for and doesn't want to lead me on? I never initiate contact with him via text, phone or anything. I ALWAYS let him do it. It's somewhat rare for him to go 2 days with NC though. I am trying to be happy but am feeling sad and a little depressed that things are going downhill fast. I hope it's just in my head. I know I'll see him Monday and Wed. next week. I plan to just show my happy side and not show worry. It's hard to hide disappointment and anxiety though...
JungleLover Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I plan to just show my happy side and not show worry. It's hard to hide disappointment and anxiety though... Yes, do this. This guy is going no where. Be patient. You will see. He is going no where at all. He will keep coming back. What is going to keep him coming back is the low pressure and backing off attitude from you. 1
GemmaUK Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I can't see this going anywhere. None of the signs are good at all for that. If you just want some fun and just while it lasts then yep..let him do the chasing. He isn't looking for a relationship from you though..not a real one.As long as you are cool with that then no worries. 2
Elle1975 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 Seems like the playfulness that you were getting with being FWB has dwindled down. You initiated the talk three times. He got the message. He knows where you stand, and yet he's not interested. Sticking around is not going to slowly change his mind. I'd say break things off. Be clear about the why you're breaking things off. You want a long term commitment. He can decide then. At 40 with no kids he might be looking for someone with no baggage. That could be why too. 1
preraph Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I dated a couple of separted/divorcing guys and I can assure you they will be very distracted and you'll lose their focus during that process. They will also probably continue to sleep with their wife if she will let them, and seems like that happens when they're all sentimental dividing up their things. He'll be a newly divorced man. It's unlikely he'll want to turn right back around and make a commitment to you or anybody but will instead want to take advantage of his newly found freedom and date around for some time. He cares about you, obviously, but I hope you didn't divorce assuming you two would be committed because he's going to be a free man and he's said as much. 1
JungleLover Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 I should clarify because I agree with the above post. I was under the thought that you realize that you are rebound and that you both are divorcees and just looking for fun. If you are looking for something deep from this guy then I wouldn't even focus on him. I am under the impression you are just looking for a fling. If you are then that is okay. If you are looking for a relationship, forget it.
travelbug1996 Posted June 28, 2014 Posted June 28, 2014 he's not interested. find another guy that actually wants to spend time with you. not just text and call.
Author LaDonna Posted June 28, 2014 Author Posted June 28, 2014 Thank you all for the replies. I wasn't expecting to want a committed relationship but this guy is great. I know there are other great ones out there. You know how it is when you're experiencing heartbreak....he seems to be the end-all-be-all... I didn't divorce hoping that I'd get this guy. I am actually very happy that I chose to get the divorce. It has nothing to do with the new guy. Guess I didn't wanna think I was the rebound girl. I wanted to be something special. At least I have a great friend out of the deal I suppose... Heck, maybe I'm not entirely ready for a relationship but I've done my time playing the field when younger, from what I know from him he has not. Thanks again...
Recommended Posts