Broke up with soulmate - letting go of friends[update]

[artsygirl78]

Today is a hard day - I am reaching out on the forums and keeping myself from looking at my ex's fb page. It has been at least a month of NC.

 

Today I am getting myself ready to go to our mutual friends' summer BBQ party. This is where I met my ex two summers ago, and found myself talking to him for three hours and leaving the party with a secret crush, since he wasn't available. Last summer it was around this time that he contacted me on fb and we started talking, and the courtship began. And now, everything is over.

 

He will not be there, I think my friends were worried about my sensitive heart and did not invite him, but even after everything - after the upset, after everyone telling me that breaking up with him was a wise choice and the right thing to do, I wish I could see him again, talk to him, tell him how much I loved him. He was a mess in some ways, but there was an awful lot to love about him, a lot that was special and unique about him, and in other ways, we were like two peas in a pod and there was an extremely deep bond. I know two months into it I can't be expected to be completely over it, but I am just heartbroken. Maybe part of me doesn't want to see the upsetting parts of his personality which were the catalyst for the breakup. Maybe part of me is mourning the dream I had of him and who I thought he was when I first met him, or of what our relationship could have been. I was supposed to be living with him this summer and working on our relationship, and getting married quickly after, and instead I am here in New York, alone, and feeling very lost.

 

I am scared of all the things everyone else here posts about - that I will never get over him. That he was my last chance for happiness. That I will never be able to love a man or be as attracted/connected to someone as much as I was with him. I worry that I was the one that over reacted to what he said was completely innocent, and that it was my reality that was distorted and breaking up with him was a mistake. There are men asking me out on dates and I could not be less interested in anyone. I couldn't even imagine getting excited about someone, giving them all of myself the way I was devoted to my ex. I am hoping and praying with time that this will lessen into the gentle, kind waters of indifference over my ex, and lots of beautiful memories of someone I really loved at one time.

 

I am so grateful for all of the posters here. It helps me feel I am not alone and do not have to be ashamed of the emotional roller coaster that is the grieving process over the loss of a loved one. Thank you for listening.

[artsygirl78]

I am 10 weeks into my BU, and 8 weeks into NC. I have had a tough couple of days, and am on here looking for the strength to do the right thing.

 

You can read the long story of my breakup in the original thread listed under my name.

 

I was contacted today by a close friend of my ex, she is a really nice woman (one of the few of his friends that I really, really liked) who said that she wanted to keep in touch with me despite my breakup with my ex, that she thought the world of me and she wanted me to let her know how I was doing with my performing, when and where I would be, etc. etc. I was really touched by the message, but it made me a little sad. I responded with a warm message but made no mention at all of my ex.

 

She then replied enthusiastically, and reiterated that she wanted not only specifics of concert location dates and times, and was really excited to keep in touch, but that she also was interested to see how my career progresses and when I find the true love of my life . . . it just made me sob uncontrollably. It made me so, so sad, and also there is part of me that wonders if she is fishing a little bit, to open up a conversation about what happened with my ex, or see if I am dating anyone yet. I want to take the bait so badly and am trying really hard not to. I want so badly to believe that my ex is hoping I am still available and looking for her to find the answer for him, and the cynical side to me says that is just a fantasy in my head and she either feels bad for me (even worse) or she is just curious on her own and is wondering what went on. What would you do in this situation? Should I respond to her comment about my love life? Should I ignore it? Part of me wants to let her know "my side" of the story, but I don't want to get caught up in anything childish. I just feel confused.

[Strength in Healing]

Take the bait, there's a nice hook waiting to pierce your cheek.

[artsygirl78]

Take the bait, there's a nice hook waiting to pierce your cheek.

 

Ouch, point taken. For the record, I was the one to instigate the breakup, so I am thinking she might want to know my side of the story as to why. I have no idea what my ex may or may not have told her.

[writergal]

^^What Strength In Healing wrote ^^. Do NOT trust this woman, OP. Your breakup with her buddy is NONE of her business. Of course she's fishing. She's nosy and will probably report everything that you tell her back to your ex, and only create more drama for you than a Shakespearean tragedy. Keep this woman at arm's length for your own good. She sounds like an opportunist who will only cause more trouble for you than you deserve. Resist the urge to reply to her sugary-sweet email message which is probably as authentic as pleather. Don't take her bait for your own sanity.

[artsygirl78]

^^What Strength In Healing wrote ^^. Do NOT trust this woman, OP. Your breakup with her buddy is NONE of her business. Of course she's fishing. She's nosy and will probably report everything that you tell her back to your ex, and only create more drama for you than a Shakespearean tragedy. Keep this woman at arm's length for your own good. She sounds like an opportunist who will only cause more trouble for you than you deserve. Resist the urge to reply to her sugary-sweet email message which is probably as authentic as pleather. Don't take her bait for your own sanity.

 

Thank you!! I am a grown woman and should know better, but LORD, why does this have to be so hard?!?! It leaves me feeling like I am going to be doomed to the nightmare of never getting back with my ex, yet never going to be able to get over my ex, and be stuck at square one. This test of will SUCKS.

[marcjb]

If you initiated the breakup, and want to get back together with your ex, then why don't you contact your ex and communicate with them instead of hoping to do it through a middle man?

[artsygirl78]

After I initiated the breakup, and asked for time to be left alone, my ex contacted me and I did open up to talking, to which I poured my heart out, told him how much I loved him and tried to explain how deeply his behaviour hurt me, and my ex told me he loved me and seemed to really want to work still work things out, but when I point blank said he needed to let me know whether he wanted to work on things as a couple or just stay friends, so that I we could either make a plan to talk, or I would take space so I could grieve, he never responded. So he sort of ended up doing the dumping in the end.

[writergal]

Thank you!! I am a grown woman and should know better, but LORD, why does this have to be so hard?!?! It leaves me feeling like I am going to be doomed to the nightmare of never getting back with my ex, yet never going to be able to get over my ex, and be stuck at square one. This test of will SUCKS.

 

Hey breakups are hard - even when you initiate it. Give yourself TONS of credit for following through on your gut feelings about breaking up with your ex being the right thing to do. It's kind of a lame metaphor, but treat a breakup like a sprain. At first, there's the acute pain phase where no matter what method you use to numb the pain, you know the pain is still there. Well, eventually you get sick of using crutches or a walking boot and so you take a few steps and wince because your foot still hurts a little, but only a little, so you know you can walk on it again. Then eventually the pain completely disappears and whala your foot is healed. The test of "will" is one you created for yourself. So you'e stronger than you think if you've made it 10 weeks since the BU. If you're hurting and need emotional support, you must have more trustworthy friends you can call on than Ms. Nosy?

[marcjb]

Maybe at that point he thought you haven't had enough time? How much time has it been now? Consider contacting him again if you were still the one to initially breakup with him just so you don't have any regrets, then the ball will really be in his court.

[writergal]

After I initiated the breakup, and asked for time to be left alone, my ex contacted me and I did open up to talking, to which I poured my heart out, told him how much I loved him and tried to explain how deeply his behaviour hurt me, and my ex told me he loved me and seemed to really want to work still work things out, but when I point blank said he needed to let me know whether he wanted to work on things as a couple or just stay friends, so that I we could either make a plan to talk, or I would take space so I could grieve, he never responded. So he sort of ended up doing the dumping in the end.

 

Yeah, his lack of response is his response to your question. I mean, you gave him a chance to follow through on his words and his actions contradicted his words. Never go by someone's words. Go by their actions. He was all talk, and no action...which is your answer: he doesn't *really* want to work on your relationship as a couple. That sucks obviously, but better that you know that now.

 

Give yourself time to heal. Distract yourself with friends, fun activities, trips, or whatever it is that you like to do. Call on friends when you need some emotional support and you'll be ok.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, no talking about the breakup with the ex's friend. That's his confidant, not yours. The breakup that brought me here two years ago was the sister-in-law of my best friend. I knew my ex's sister for years before even meeting my ex, but there was no way in hell I was going to dump my s--t on her. My ex's sister was her confidant, while my best friend was mine. So all discussions I had about my ex were with him and him only and while I don't know for sure, I doubt my ex was discussing me much with my best friend because she knew that he was my confidant (I've known him for 15-plus years).

 

So yeah, you can talk to this person, but not about your ex.

[artsygirl78]

I originally posted this as a response to someone else's beautifully written post, but I wanted to add this here - part of what makes this forum great is to be witness to how other people heal and move on through their grief. I wanted to share where I am right now. I am at the end of my third month of NC after a very intense relationship that I believed would culminate in a wedding this summer, so I feel everyone's pain here, and I can say without a blink of an eye that in the beginning, I too felt deep in my heart what other posters have said here - that I would be doomed to repeat the same mistakes, that I would never love again "the same way" - since I was the person who broke off the relationship, I also felt deeply that because I still loved my ex more than life itself, he was the "last one" and since I couldn't make it work, that was going to be the "end" for me.

 

And then several things happened that really woke me up out of my stupor. A very close friend of mine lost his young wife to cancer. He is now a widower and a father of a toddler at 40 years old. Another colleague of mine was happily engaged to her college sweetheart, and out of the middle of nowhere, he passed away from a random illness that left her absolutely shocked. The wedding invitations were out in the mail and she was planning what was supposed to be the best day of her life. Within weeks of hearing this, I also heard of a new engagement - the widower of a childhood friend - a beautiful young woman in her twenties who had passed away while pregnant from cystic fibrosis - was engaged to be married again.

 

In each of these pairs, these people were - ARE - amazing. Emotionally mature, positive, deep souls, wonderful friends, brilliant minds, kind, possessing a depth of character. Each of these couples were truly, madly, deeply in love with another. They were true soul mates - I saw in their relationships the kind of deep love and devotion I could only wish to experience with a husband in my own life. And yet the hand of fate had taken their partner away from them. Does this mean that this is now the end for them and that they will never love deeply again? NO - ABSOLUTELY NOT. The young widower who is now engaged, spoke of his first wife as if the Universe itself created them as soul mates and that they were destined to love one another in this life. And they did. And yet - and yet - HE FOUND LOVE AGAIN. Not the same, because each person, and what each person brings through their unique life, is gorgeously different. But he has found happiness and has fallen in love deeply again, enough to want to share his life with someone. And so will my dear friend who is a young single father, and my sweet colleague who is mourning her fiance.

 

And so will you, and so will I. All we can do, whether people leave us because it is time for our paths to part, or life and destiny takes the people we love away from us, is to continue to learn, and grow, heal our hearts and be open, when we are ready, to love again. And we will be able to love deeper and better for our experiences. I never thought I would be ready, or want to love another man again - and yet I feel myself waking up and feeling the yearning to love someone and be devoted to them. And this is a good thing My heart is built to love a life partner, and I am going to stay open and make myself ready to meet my husband. I will cherish the memories of my ex and learn the hard lessons I needed to face through what did not work in our relationship, so that the next one can be healthier and more grounded. A better me makes a better partner. I choose to believe in love!!

[artsygirl78]

Hi All,

 

I wanted to check in here and thank all of you who have offered words of advice, support and condolences. It has been almost four months since my breakup with my ex, and I am feeling weirdly strong, which, in a funny way, sort of makes me sad! I wanted to share where I am in the healing journey to help some of you that are on their way or have gone through similar things.

 

The two biggest things I have noticed, is that there is this subtle grief that is about being sad about the very act of letting him go. It is such a funny, odd, sad thing - but there is part of me that does not want to let go of pining away for my ex, because it means letting go TRULY and letting him become a part of my past. He is behind me in the rear view mirror. Which makes me feel relieved and sad at the same time. My grief and my old obsessing or ruminating over him, kept me in a sense, still "attached" to him even though I have been NC since mid-June. It is the last little goodbye, in a way. I think this is maybe why people still obsess, or cause drama in keeping contact, or facebook stalk, because they want to keep that sense of being "in" something with their ex - but all that is happening is that you are hurting yourself and keeping yourself from moving on. I was deeply connected to him and loved him deeply, and it is so sad to realize he will never be a part of my life, I will not be able to be friends with him (although that is MUCH healthier for me in the end). If you feel yourself feeling this way, you are not alone - the being sad over feeling yourself heal is a part of the healing process. It is such a subtle, little thing ,and yet so important. It is OK to move on and be happy, which is what I am really starting to do, and looking forward to my future and meeting someone new!

 

The other thing I realized I was doing to myself that was hindering my healing process to a HUGE extent, was that I was spending a lot of time over at the house of mutual friends of my ex and I. I met my ex at their house, he and I spent our first (very intense) weekend together at their house, and spent a lot of time together in general either with them as couples or just hanging out. It is literally the scene of where my ex and I fell in love with one another, were physically intimate with one another for the first time - I mean, no wonder why I get so sad when I spend time with these people. I ended up sleeping over there by myself after having girl's night while my friend's husband was away, and I slept in the same room where my ex and I stayed the whole weekend. Talk about visiting the scene of the crime. It was like I was hanging out with his ghost and U couldn't get away from him, or release him, it was so painful. It would be like going back and sitting all night at the table in the restaurant where your ex husband proposed, or hung around all day at the scene where you fell in love. It is almost masochistic. I love my friends and I think they are great people, but I also know they are keeping in touch with my ex and talk to him all the time, it is not good for me - I feel like it keeps me attached by proxy. It is time to take some space for myself. It is OK to admit to myself that for now, spending time in the place that is a huge romantic symbol of the beginning of my relationship with my ex is not a good thing. What helps is that in a few weeks I leave town for the whole entire fall and part of the winter, so I have an excuse to take some space from my friends.

 

What I can't help but feel is also odd, is that they are selling their house, they have put it on the market and might be moving - it was almost like they came into my life at a time when I wasn't feeling confident, and through them I met someone that was a deep love for me, and now that this chapter of my life has closed, they are moving away from my life path, too. Everything is changing 180 degrees in my life right now - moving overseas, pursuing a completely different career, completely new friends where I am going, I even look different (lost 40 pounds over the summer) - all has changed. Everything might be easier with 20/20 hindsight, but it is almost like I have outgrown this chapter of my life and they are part of it, and I am truly moving on now - and letting go. For those of you really hurting right now, the kind of hurt that feels like it is going to kill you if you don't kill yourself first, take it from me that it WILL get better. I am still a little sad, I still keep my ex somewhere in my heart and wonder from time to time how he is doing, when we dated I truly thought he was the love of my life and it was sad that we just didn't seem to be compatible, I will always acknowledge that I did love him very deeply. But it has been almost four months and I can feel my heart healing, moving on, feeling happy and excited about life, and open and interested in the possibility of meeting another man. If you had talked to me in May I NEVER WOULD HAVE BELIEVED IT. Use me as hope that you will heal, too - if I can do it, so can you!!!! xoxoxoxo