Should dumper ever apologize to the dumpee?

[BC1980]

mightycpa,

 

In my mind the apology would be for treating her like crap when I was trying to break up (tried about 3 times in the last month, after 3 prior tries). I realize I wasn't being the best boyfriend and I wasn't very understanding. It was hard because, as I said, I felt like I was trying to raise her and teach her more than I wanted to with my partner.

 

It would be along the lines of:

 

"You didn't deserve what I did to you. You have every right to hate me. We were having troubles and you admitted that I was trying to break up with you for a while, but what I did was cowardly and uncalled for.

 

I'm sorry for being an unemotional boyfriend. I'm sorry for the way I handled just about everything. Took me long enough to realize, but things finally hit me. I was wrong in how I treated you and how I ended it... and I know it."

 

That would be the gist I guess...

 

Honestly, what would you have done differently? It sounds like she wasn't giving you much of a choice because she would not accept the breakup. I think you are looking back on the situation and rewriting it to some extent. You are imagining that you could have done things differently, but the reality is that you likely did the best you could under the circumstances.

 

It sounds like you are regretting how things turned out in general, which is understandable. No one goes into a relationship hoping it will end and that people will be in pain. Unfortunately, that is all part of the risk of loving someone. You might hurt someone and get hurt in return. I'm sorry that you had to be the one to break it off, but don't vilify yourself when it's unnecessary. You are dealing with all of these emotions, and you think that apologizing will somehow put all of this to rights.

[Zapbasket]

mightycpa,

 

In my mind the apology would be for treating her like crap when I was trying to break up (tried about 3 times in the last month, after 3 prior tries). I realize I wasn't being the best boyfriend and I wasn't very understanding. It was hard because, as I said, I felt like I was trying to raise her and teach her more than I wanted to with my partner.

 

It would be along the lines of:

 

"You didn't deserve what I did to you. You have every right to hate me. We were having troubles and you admitted that I was trying to break up with you for a while, but what I did was cowardly and uncalled for.

 

I'm sorry for being an unemotional boyfriend. I'm sorry for the way I handled just about everything. Took me long enough to realize, but things finally hit me. I was wrong in how I treated you and how I ended it... and I know it."

 

That would be the gist I guess...

 

I think you should send it. I also think you should end it with the suggestion that you get together and talk. A letter alone won't clear the air; you need to go face to face, if she is willing, and each of you have a chance to articulate your feelings. Don't go into it expecting an agreement re: your version of why things "had" to be the way you made them. No justifications, just apologize for the hurt you caused.

 

I think you should do this especially given you and her parents all will converge again over time in the small place you live. And most especially given you were part of each others' lives for so long, even beyond the time you dated.

[mightycpa]

 

It would be along the lines of:

 

"You didn't deserve what I did to you. You have every right to hate me. We were having troubles and you admitted that I was trying to break up with you for a while, but what I did was cowardly and uncalled for.

 

I'm sorry for being an unemotional boyfriend. I'm sorry for the way I handled just about everything. Took me long enough to realize, but things finally hit me. I was wrong in how I treated you and how I ended it... and I know it."

 

That would be the gist I guess...

 

No. Don't do it. I'm thinking way back to the most hurtful breakup, and the method she used was pretty ****ty, and I tried to imagine getting this from her.

 

So, if I can step into her shoes for a moment, it falls a little flat because your apology essentially says that you've been thinking about you, not about me. In other words, it doesn't say "you didn't deserve the ****ty way I broke up with you because you were a great girlfriend, and we had great times, and I invalidated all of that when I kicked you out with a letter."

 

Instead, it smacks of "I'm sorry I broke up with you the way I did, because for whatever reason, you brought out the worst in me. You have every right to think I'm an ******* because I treated you that way." There is an implication that the next one is going to fare better. I don't know exactly how to say it, but that's the feeling I get from it.

 

Remember that letter from DavidLarsson's ex? For whatever reason, the tone of that one struck a nice chord with me.

 

Just my opinion. I know you don't mean it that way.

[Always Pondering]

I'd have to side with not apologizing about this after such a long time and leaving things as is.

 

It would be along the lines of:

 

"You didn't deserve what I did to you. You have every right to hate me. We were having troubles and you admitted that I was trying to break up with you for a while, but what I did was cowardly and uncalled for.

 

I'm sorry for being an unemotional boyfriend. I'm sorry for the way I handled just about everything. Took me long enough to realize, but things finally hit me. I was wrong in how I treated you and how I ended it... and I know it."

 

That would be the gist I guess...

 

I realize it isn't your intention and it may not be the case but it's a possibility for your ex to not be fully healed from this. If so, she may misinterpret this message as a warming-up to asking for reconciliation which would in turn throw her back in a loop.

 

I believe she would understand with time that you two were simply incompatible and forgive you without having to tell you. I don't feel the apology would accomplish much and hypothetically if you were to send it, would things change for your end if she didn't even reply to it at all?

 

That's just my personal opinion anyways.

[SoThatHappened]

Honestly, what would you have done differently?

At the very least given her more time to leave, possibly move myself out for a week or so. Or tried one more time to do it in person.

 

No justifications, just apologize for the hurt you caused.

...

I think you should do this especially given you and her parents all will converge again over time in the small place you live. And most especially given you were part of each others' lives for so long, even beyond the time you dated.

That's what I hope it would accomplish, in case we come across each other again and because we spent over half of our lives together, on and off.

 

Remember that letter from DavidLarsson's ex? For whatever reason, the tone of that one struck a nice chord with me.

 

Just my opinion. I know you don't mean it that way.

I hear you on both sides of your reaction to my apology. Also, that "novel" to DavidLarsson was brutal. I would never write anything like that. Ugh.

[SoThatHappened]

I'd have to side with not apologizing about this after such a long time and leaving things as is.

 

I realize it isn't your intention and it may not be the case but it's a possibility for your ex to not be fully healed from this. If so, she may misinterpret this message as a warming-up to asking for reconciliation which would in turn throw her back in a loop.

 

I believe she would understand with time that you two were simply incompatible and forgive you without having to tell you. I don't feel the apology would accomplish much and hypothetically if you were to send it, would things change for your end if she didn't even reply to it at all?

 

That's just my personal opinion anyways.

 

All very good points. I think the length of time for me is very different. I'm just dealing with this now because I didn't deal with it before. Drowned myself in a 22 year old instead. (facepalm)

 

I have no idea how far along she is in healing. Don't want to throw her back into a loop.

[hoping2heal]

I gotta say...

 

I think your guilt is simply attributable to the fact that you're a sensitive person. I know you claim you weren't emotionally (something?) but whether you let your emotions be shared with other people or not, you seem to be a caring and empathetic person.

 

I don't see that you did anything wrong. I think all of your reasons for wanting to break up were completely valid and guess what? Sometimes, it's super understandable that a dumper would dump a dumpee and this is one of those times.

 

I think given her history and how difficult it was to get the break up to stick previously, that you're asking for trouble by reaching out to her. Forgive yourself; you made the right choice for you and it was a smart, well informed decision at that.

[elseaacych]

If any apologies are to happen, they should happen at the time of the breakup. Any time later could be misconstrued as insincere, or wanting to get back in good graces.

 

I got no apologies at the time of the break up, from my rather inconsiderate and oblivious dumper, and if I were to get one now, I wouldn't necessarily view it as a positive, I would just wonder what he wanted.

 

But c'est la vie. I know you wonder sometimes. I wonder about my ex sometimes, you just have to let it go and know things happen for a reason.

[SoThatHappened]

I gotta say...

 

I think your guilt is simply attributable to the fact that you're a sensitive person. I know you claim you weren't emotionally (something?) but whether you let your emotions be shared with other people or not, you seem to be a caring and empathetic person.

 

I don't see that you did anything wrong. I think all of your reasons for wanting to break up were completely valid and guess what? Sometimes, it's super understandable that a dumper would dump a dumpee and this is one of those times.

 

I think given her history and how difficult it was to get the break up to stick previously, that you're asking for trouble by reaching out to her. Forgive yourself; you made the right choice for you and it was a smart, well informed decision at that.

Thank you. I say I'm not emotional because I never was, until I was trying to breakup with her and then again when I got my heart crushed afterwards. Cried like a little baby.

 

I'm more logical, practical, and optimistic than emotional. I learned that women don't always want an answer. That's what I'd always give to her when she was having a problem though. Every problem has a solution, right? That's how I saw things and it took a long time for me to learn that she didn't want solutions. I wasn't there for her emotionally. She didn't see how emotional I could get though until I broke down and told her I was miserable.

 

My reasons may have been valid, but I did plenty of things wrong.

 

Regarding asking for trouble if I reach out: that's what I'm worried about.

[SoThatHappened]

If any apologies are to happen, they should happen at the time of the breakup. Any time later could be misconstrued as insincere, or wanting to get back in good graces.

 

I got no apologies at the time of the break up, from my rather inconsiderate and oblivious dumper, and if I were to get one now, I wouldn't necessarily view it as a positive, I would just wonder what he wanted.

 

But c'est la vie. I know you wonder sometimes. I wonder about my ex sometimes, you just have to let it go and know things happen for a reason.

I apologized in the letter for doing it that way, but felt that I HAD to leave her alone after she left. And have done so ever since.

 

If I were to apologize, I think she'd see an opening (we got back together I don't know how many times over 17 years). I also think that she would not go against advice from friends and family if she were want to get back together. I hope that she's in a place where it can be water under the bridge and we can both get a little... well... closure I guess.

 

It's just crazy. I know we both love each other. Always will. Just one of those things where we weren't compatible.

[hoping2heal]

She may not share the same perspective as you, with regards to realizing that the two of you are not compatible and that the break up was for the best. If she doesn't, I think you are going to cause her false hope and hurt. You know that whole "actions speak louder than words" thing? She could take your "actions" as meaning deep down you want her back; even if your words say otherwise.

 

Maybe one day down the road you two will "have closure" in the way you describe, but a year out may simply be too soon for her.

[BC1980]

At the very least given her more time to leave, possibly move myself out for a week or so. Or tried one more time to do it in person.

 

I think you wish it could have gone down differently, and she would have simply accepted it and left. For whatever reason, she refused to accept it. She also had her choices. Her choices basically forced your hand, and you had to ask her to move out via a letter. There is no "good" way to break up with someone, but it looks like you tried for months. I would actually lay more blame on her for how it ended. When my ex dumped me, I left that same night. I sure wasn't going to stick around and prolong it. IMO, you are taking on guilt for something that isn't your fault. You should also be kind to yourself for some of the decisions you made at an emotional time.

 

Would you actually want to apologize to your long term ex if you hadn't just gotten your heart broken? The two are definitely related.

[Ordinaryday]

My ex said he was doing me a favor and something to the effect of me being able to find a better match. I didn't see it that way at all, and I still don't. That's not to say his point is valid, but it's valid for him. At the risk of getting too woo woo, is there really a universal truth after a breakup? I'm talking about a breakup where there was no cheating or abuse involved. There was no clear cut, black and white reason to breakup up.

.

 

Completely true!!!

 

I have often had dumpers say the same sort of cliches to me "oh we are not right for each other, you will see that! I am doing you a favour by allowing you to find someone better" and other sorts of cliches, and it always just felt like they were trying to push their explanation onto me and bully me into seeing things their way.

 

even their 'apologies' have antagonised me because they always were apologies from THEIR perspective which NEVER acknowledged or seemed to consider that I saw things differently.

 

SHE thought we had a great connection but it was more of a "family bond" than a "romantic bond" and she tried to push that onto me. I DIDN'T see it that way, I thought we had a FANTASTIC "ROMANTIC BOND" and any justifications from her that we were "better off as friends" have annoyed me cos I didnt see it that way.

 

so it is best just to leave them alone. the dumpee rarely sees eye to eye with the dumper. and trying to 'apologise' to them just comes across as condescending.

[Zapbasket]

 

so it is best just to leave them alone. the dumpee rarely sees eye to eye with the dumper. and trying to 'apologise' to them just comes across as condescending.

 

I understand the reasoning behind this view, but I have to disagree somewhat. I see nothing wrong with reaching out to people in our past to apologize, no matter how much time has passed. Back in 2007 I dealt with a jarring event that made me recognize how I inadvertently mistreated an old friend I hadn't spoken with in years. I called him out of the blue and left him a voice message to the effect of, "I had some things happen to me recently that made me realize I was wrong about ____ all those years ago. I know it was a long time ago but I want you to know that I see now what I did and I am really sorry if you were hurt by it." He called me back, thanked me, and we caught up and shared some laughs, and even though it didn't resurrect the friendship I think my apology meant something to him.

 

I think of an apology as a kind of "Reparation Act" that even years after the damage done serves to acknowledge the hurt and loss the other party experienced. It's a way of honoring a person's humanity, and the care you had and have for the person. It is very validating, not necessarily condescending at all. After all, we're much more than the people we are, the roles we play, in our relationships. I think long-overdue apologies serve to acknowledge that. Apologies can be very healing no matter how much time has passed.

 

If you send her the note, please let us know what happens.

[Ordinaryday]

I think of an apology as a kind of "Reparation Act" that even years after the damage done serves to acknowledge the hurt and loss the other party experienced. It's a way of honoring a person's humanity, and the care you had and have for the person. It is very validating, not necessarily condescending at all. After all, we're much more than the people we are, the roles we play, in our relationships. I think long-overdue apologies serve to acknowledge that. Apologies can be very healing no matter how much time has passed.

 

If you send her the note, please let us know what happens.

 

it depends on the situation.

 

when you are dumped, no matter how they do it they basically are saying they dont think you are good enough for them and they think their life will be better without you in it. they may not actually say those words but THEIR ACTIONS say the words for them!

 

so no, a lot of dumpees dont appreciate essentially being told "sorry about HOW I dumped you, I was wrong. I still dont want you in my life, I still think my life is better without you in it, but... sorry for hurting you"

 

seriously??!?!

[Zapbasket]

it depends on the situation.

 

when you are dumped, no matter how they do it they basically are saying they dont think you are good enough for them and they think their life will be better without you in it. they may not actually say those words but THEIR ACTIONS say the words for them!

 

so no, a lot of dumpees dont appreciate essentially being told "sorry about HOW I dumped you, I was wrong. I still dont want you in my life, I still think my life is better without you in it, but... sorry for hurting you"

 

seriously??!?!

 

I feel you on this. I am writing as one who was just coldly cut off after every major relationship I've been in. It hurts, it's confusing, it feels very negating, and it's insulting that they can just cut off like that when in every case there were plenty of reasons why I could/should have broken up with them. It would mean a lot to me if especially my most recent ex and my 2007 ex reached out to say that how they handled things was wrong and they wish they'd done it differently and they are so sorry for the hurt they caused.

 

See, I think that when someone apologizes for how they broke up with you, they're also expressing remorse at how they acted in the relationship with you, too--since what always precipitates HOW someone breaks up with you is how they handle the conflicts between you and within themselves.

 

I'd like to see these exes show the courage to reach out to me, at the risk of my wrath or indifference. It shows that they care, that they have grown wiser.

 

But I see your point that if an ex comes to you apologizing for the breakup but still doesn't want to try again or doesn't feel s/he made a mistake in breaking up, then it just rains the hurt of rejection afresh upon you and the apology feels self-serving and pointless. Still, to me, at least, if the apology were sincere and heartfelt, that gesture feels a lot more human and soothing than a cold, abrupt cut-off.

[SoThatHappened]

Would you actually want to apologize to your long term ex if you hadn't just gotten your heart broken? The two are definitely related.

 

I've realized that the two are related. The pain I've felt hurt even more when I imagined what the long-term ex went through. That's what hurts the most, knowing I've caused pain and wasn't good to her towards the end.

 

I resented her, but that's no excuse. I was really a jerk because I wanted her to change.

[SoThatHappened]

If you send her the note, please let us know what happens.

 

I definitely will.

[SoThatHappened]

... if the apology were sincere and heartfelt, that gesture feels a lot more human and soothing than a cold, abrupt cut-off.

It would be genuine.

 

I look back on the last 1.5 years after I realized things weren't going to change and I'm embarrassed about how I treated her. Sure, I tried to end it multiple times, but that doesn't excuse how I treated her.

 

Just torn between it possibly hurting her or giving her false hope.

[shoegal4]

If it's going to make you feel better, just do it. Don't expect a response or a reaction but if it will help you move on then by all means - do it.

 

You're broken up and there are reasons behind that. You're both adults. This is about you and what you need also. I understand where everyone is coming from in regards to her feelings but if this is something you need to do in order to flatline the emotional chaos going on inside your head then do it.

[BC1980]

I've realized that the two are related. The pain I've felt hurt even more when I imagined what the long-term ex went through. That's what hurts the most, knowing I've caused pain and wasn't good to her towards the end.

 

I resented her, but that's no excuse. I was really a jerk because I wanted her to change.

 

It's understandable that you feel the way you do, but you also have to realize that there is nothing you can do to make it "right" in her eyes. An apology won't negate all that happened.

 

I think you really want to send an apology, and you will do what you need to do. I wouldn't expect much from it though, and it's not going to alleviate much of your guilt. It might temporarily help, but the guilt will still be there. I think it would take months to work through that kind of guilt, especially after 6 years with someone. You have to realize that the apology is completely self-serving though? If it were about your ex, none of this would have been precipitated by your recent break up. However, I think your heart is in the right place, and you don't fully realize why you feel this need to apologize one year later.

[Zeurich]

Giving the reasons for the dump might help full in the future for the dumper either dumpee in your words

[SoThatHappened]

If it were about your ex, none of this would have been precipitated by your recent break up. However, I think your heart is in the right place, and you don't fully realize why you feel this need to apologize one year later.

For me, I finally felt what it's like getting your heart ripped out and treated like I meant nothing.

 

I realized how that feels now, and wouldn't wish it on anyone. I realized I broke the long-term ex's heart, but I never came to grips with how it actually feels until now.

 

I'm wondering now how I'd feel if the recent ex sent me a heartfelt apology months and months down the road... if it was genuine, I think I'd be glad she finally realized what she'd done and I would be civil to her if I ran into her afterwards.

 

Eh... I don't know. Gonna keep mulling this over, maybe keep a draft apology going here and there. Maybe send it, maybe rewrite it so many times that I forgive my self by that point.