Live in boyfriend blues

[Stumble]

I live with my bf for a year now. Before I moved in I was looking for a rented flat of my own and never thought of living together with a bf. Because I stayed at his 2-3 nights a week and we get on well and never argued so I agreed to move in. He owns the flat and he has 2 other tenants who I get along with.

 

Before I moved in I said I won't be cooking everyday for us because I hate cooking and he agrees that it's fine. I also said I'm not ironing his clothes either cos I hate ironing and we have to share house work he said okay.

 

My bf is a very funny and sweet guy but lazy. I'm lazy sometimes too but I felt like I am giving more in the relationship than him. Throughout the whole year I was happy half of the time because (I'm trying to make this as short as I can)...

 

1) first 2-3 weeks of moving in he didn't help with cooking cleaning or anything. I was expected to cook, clear the table while he goes for a smoke, then I'd wash the dishes alone. He will then come back and watch telly. I was surprised about how he can just let me and watch me do things without asking if he can help with anything.

 

2) watching telly, he never asks or want to share what channel we both want to watch. Once a week we would watch the program that I and him like. Other than that's it s just what he likes. I'd go off and watch my own stuff on my ipad

 

3) I think he is addicted to tv. He turns it on as soon as he wakes up if he has a day off then watches it all day if he doesn't have to fix things in the house. Then he watches it until 1am. Sometimes falls asleep on the sofa. We don't go to bed together which sometimes bother me. I go to bed first cos I have to get up before him. I brought this up before that we don't go to bed together at all, some times it s nice to have our alone time in bed before we fall asleep and alone time from his flatmates. He just said he can't fall asleep if he goes to bed early. I felt like he was having a relationship with the tv than with me. When he watches tv most of the time he won't talk to me, he is fixated on the tv and also laughs at the adverts.

 

4) he doesn't like going out much which I understand that he is a homebody but he doesn't even like going out for a short walk in the park even when I asked him to come with me sometimes. In winter he will say it's too cold,summer he says it's too hot. Getting him out of the house with me was like pulling teeth. He came out with me 2-3 times for a walk and market during the whole year we live together. He prefers to stay in and watch tv, whereas when he was single he was out a lot. Most of the time I let him do what he wants even though I'd prefer that him to join me sometimes. I would go and do my own things either by myself or with friends. I even started yoga even i enjoyed I told him to try it with me and see if he likes it. He never went with me. I did not force him to do things because I respect his choice but I started to feel like I was not in a relationship. I felt like I was still single.

 

5) He doesn't take me out to cinema or restaurants either. I'm not a high maintenance girl who needs to be dined and wine all the time in expensive places but the fact that he doesn't do anything with me at all apart from watching tv together in the house really bothers me. He said it s because he doesn't have enough money and he is putting his money away for the mortgage for the house. Then when I offered to take him out he still says not he doesn't want me to waste my money. I understood when he said that but there are things we can do for free which he was unwilling to do with me. Once I managed to persuade him to go for a steak dinner in a nearby restaurant which I booked the table for. I was looking forward to it and so was he. Then when the time comes when we were about to leave, he asked me if we should invite his flatmate to come too. We had argument about that because I said 'do you not understand what "couples time" is? and he said I didn't need to speak to him like that. Hours later I apologised, then we made up and went for the dinner. However, I did not feel like booking anything with him again incase we will argue again.

 

6) he expect me to serve him food on the table where he is watching tv if I cook it and he comes home later in the evening after work, I'd tell him food is ready and cook on the stove, help yourself and he sometimes would sulk and make me feel guilty buy not going to get it himself and continues to sit or sometimes makes an unhappy face expression. He would always ask me to make him tea, get the desert mid night snack for us/him while we were watching tv. He doesn't seem to want to lift his finger or do anything for me, he is happy to watch me run around and do things for him.

 

7) he doesn't show any affection. Apart from us not going to bed together, if we are in the living room watching tv there are no cuddles and he never puts his arms around me. I just felt like I was craving the attention. I always the first one to go up and be the playful one and kiss him. Sometimes he would be playful back and sometimes he would say he wants spaces most of the time I give him space because I also like my own space but I started to feel very lonely even though we were sitting in the same room,

 

I have talked to him about all of the issues above and with some of them he changed and helped out like cooking and cleaning (he will only cook when he is hungry, if I'm hungry I have to wait). He likes to eat late at around 9pm where as I normally eat my dinner at 6.30-7pm.

 

When I spoke to him about not going out and do stuff together he said this is who he is and if I'm not happy then themes nothing he can do.

 

My question is.. am I being needy? Shall I leave this relationship?

[d0nnivain]

You aren't needy in a negative, over the top kind of way. But your legitimate needs are not being met. He has everything he wants. What are you getting out of this? When you answer that, you will know whether to stay or break up.

[FitChick]

When you act like a doormat, people wipe their feet on you.

 

If you have a month to month rental and not a lease, give your landlord notice so you can get your deposit back. Tell the boyfriend you are moving and if he wants the flat he should tell the landlord. If you have a lease in your name only you have to wait it out I guess before moving or see if you can transfer it to his name.

 

The boyfriend might suddenly become Mr Perfect so you, his servant, don't move and, if that happens, don't be fooled.

[Stumble]

When you act like a doormat, people wipe their feet on you.

 

If you have a month to month rental and not a lease, give your landlord notice so you can get your deposit back. Tell the boyfriend you are moving and if he wants the flat he should tell the landlord. If you have a lease in your name only you have to wait it out I guess before moving or see if you can transfer it to his name.

 

The boyfriend might suddenly become Mr Perfect so you, his servant, don't move and, if that happens, don't be fooled.

I admit it was partly my fault for not putting my foot down and let him treat me like a doormat. But I try to deal with it by talking to him about what he does that I'm not happy with. I can move out no problems and I know he will try to stop me and and say he will change etc etc ....but you said don't be fooled..you think he won't really change? I think he might change but not sure how long for.

[clia]

Honestly, the two of you just don't sound very compatible. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? I don't think you sound needy; the two of you are just different people who want different things. If you've talked to him about these issues and are still unhappy in the relationship, you should probably just move out and move on.

[Zahara]

I admit it was partly my fault for not putting my foot down and let him treat me like a doormat. But I try to deal with it by talking to him about what he does that I'm not happy with. I can move out no problems and I know he will try to stop me and and say he will change etc etc ....but you said don't be fooled..you think he won't really change? I think he might change but not sure how long for.

 

Doesn't seem like talking has changed anything. When you are in a relationship, there must be compromise. He doesn't even care to compromise for you and just told you that if you aren't happy, then too bad.

 

He cooks and cleans now -- only when he is hungry? I'm speechless.

 

Of course he will stop you from moving out? Who will he have to be his maid and cook?

 

Look, he's not changing. He told you that if you're not happy, then there's nothing he can do.

[Diezel]

You just listed a term paper's worth of reasons to leave him.

What else do you need?

[Stumble]

Honestly, the two of you just don't sound very compatible. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? I don't think you sound needy; the two of you are just different people who want different things. If you've talked to him about these issues and are still unhappy in the relationship, you should probably just move out and move on.

That was exactly what I thought too, that we might be 'incompatible'. I am thinking about moving out, break up with him, go through the break up crap now rather than being with him for another year or two which will make it harder for us to break up. This way he can move on and meet the right girl for him and I can meet someone who enjoys walks with me.

[littleplanet]

I live with my bf for a year now. Before I moved in I was looking for a rented flat of my own and never thought of living together with a bf. Because I stayed at his 2-3 nights a week and we get on well and never argued so I agreed to move in. He owns the flat and he has 2 other tenants who I get along with.

 

Before I moved in I said I won't be cooking everyday for us because I hate cooking and he agrees that it's fine. I also said I'm not ironing his clothes either cos I hate ironing and we have to share house work he said okay.

 

My bf is a very funny and sweet guy but lazy. I'm lazy sometimes too but I felt like I am giving more in the relationship than him. Throughout the whole year I was happy half of the time because (I'm trying to make this as short as I can)...

 

1) first 2-3 weeks of moving in he didn't help with cooking cleaning or anything. I was expected to cook, clear the table while he goes for a smoke, then I'd wash the dishes alone. He will then come back and watch telly. I was surprised about how he can just let me and watch me do things without asking if he can help with anything.

 

2) watching telly, he never asks or want to share what channel we both want to watch. Once a week we would watch the program that I and him like. Other than that's it s just what he likes. I'd go off and watch my own stuff on my ipad

 

3) I think he is addicted to tv. He turns it on as soon as he wakes up if he has a day off then watches it all day if he doesn't have to fix things in the house. Then he watches it until 1am. Sometimes falls asleep on the sofa. We don't go to bed together which sometimes bother me. I go to bed first cos I have to get up before him. I brought this up before that we don't go to bed together at all, some times it s nice to have our alone time in bed before we fall asleep and alone time from his flatmates. He just said he can't fall asleep if he goes to bed early. I felt like he was having a relationship with the tv than with me. When he watches tv most of the time he won't talk to me, he is fixated on the tv and also laughs at the adverts.

 

4) he doesn't like going out much which I understand that he is a homebody but he doesn't even like going out for a short walk in the park even when I asked him to come with me sometimes. In winter he will say it's too cold,summer he says it's too hot. Getting him out of the house with me was like pulling teeth. He came out with me 2-3 times for a walk and market during the whole year we live together. He prefers to stay in and watch tv, whereas when he was single he was out a lot. Most of the time I let him do what he wants even though I'd prefer that him to join me sometimes. I would go and do my own things either by myself or with friends. I even started yoga even i enjoyed I told him to try it with me and see if he likes it. He never went with me. I did not force him to do things because I respect his choice but I started to feel like I was not in a relationship. I felt like I was still single.

 

5) He doesn't take me out to cinema or restaurants either. I'm not a high maintenance girl who needs to be dined and wine all the time in expensive places but the fact that he doesn't do anything with me at all apart from watching tv together in the house really bothers me. He said it s because he doesn't have enough money and he is putting his money away for the mortgage for the house. Then when I offered to take him out he still says not he doesn't want me to waste my money. I understood when he said that but there are things we can do for free which he was unwilling to do with me. Once I managed to persuade him to go for a steak dinner in a nearby restaurant which I booked the table for. I was looking forward to it and so was he. Then when the time comes when we were about to leave, he asked me if we should invite his flatmate to come too. We had argument about that because I said 'do you not understand what "couples time" is? and he said I didn't need to speak to him like that. Hours later I apologised, then we made up and went for the dinner. However, I did not feel like booking anything with him again incase we will argue again.

 

6) he expect me to serve him food on the table where he is watching tv if I cook it and he comes home later in the evening after work, I'd tell him food is ready and cook on the stove, help yourself and he sometimes would sulk and make me feel guilty buy not going to get it himself and continues to sit or sometimes makes an unhappy face expression. He would always ask me to make him tea, get the desert mid night snack for us/him while we were watching tv. He doesn't seem to want to lift his finger or do anything for me, he is happy to watch me run around and do things for him.

 

7) he doesn't show any affection. Apart from us not going to bed together, if we are in the living room watching tv there are no cuddles and he never puts his arms around me. I just felt like I was craving the attention. I always the first one to go up and be the playful one and kiss him. Sometimes he would be playful back and sometimes he would say he wants spaces most of the time I give him space because I also like my own space but I started to feel very lonely even though we were sitting in the same room,

 

I have talked to him about all of the issues above and with some of them he changed and helped out like cooking and cleaning (he will only cook when he is hungry, if I'm hungry I have to wait). He likes to eat late at around 9pm where as I normally eat my dinner at 6.30-7pm.

 

When I spoke to him about not going out and do stuff together he said this is who he is and if I'm not happy then themes nothing he can do.

 

My question is.. am I being needy? Shall I leave this relationship?

 

 

 

 

Well OP, you may be compatible in other ways, but as mutual live-ins, it leaves a lot to be desired.

I'd suggest you get your own place again, and see what develops from that point onward.

What you describe here looks like someone living together for decades, and being taken completely for granted.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't sound at all like he really grasps the whole concept of a couple living together and mutually handling domestic realities.

 

When I refer, jokingly - to myself as "housetrained" it really means that I get the whole concept of domestic responsibilites. And I learned that long ago. And it was a woman who taught me, bless her heart.

 

And believe me - if and when kids ever do show up, this had better be nailed down solid, or the afterwash could swallow up domestic bliss pretty quick!

[ktya]

OP

 

I know what its like to live with a partner yet feel alone while sitting in the same room.

 

My ex never cleaned and was always glued to an ipod or nintendo or computer or something or other. She never worked either and i also had tenants living in my house. She had a kid too and because she never went out or did anything the kid was always bored. She wouldnt fix the kid lunches or proper dinners just told her to grab snacks on the weekends. The place was a disaster all the time.

 

We broke up and got along really well for a while.

 

You might try one of these 2 options...

 

1) move out and keep dating him. He will be all upset at you moving out but tell him what you wrote in your post is why you are leaving.

 

2) break up with him permanently and move on and move out

 

You might try #1 first

[Stumble]

OP

 

I know what its like to live with a partner yet feel alone while sitting in the same room.

 

My ex never cleaned and was always glued to an ipod or nintendo or computer or something or other. She never worked either and i also had tenants living in my house. She had a kid too and because she never went out or did anything the kid was always bored. She wouldnt fix the kid lunches or proper dinners just told her to grab snacks on the weekends. The place was a disaster all the time.

 

We broke up and got along really well for a while.

 

You might try one of these 2 options...

 

1) move out and keep dating him. He will be all upset at you moving out but tell him what you wrote in your post is why you are leaving.

 

2) break up with him permanently and move on and move out

 

You might try #1 first

I think I need to end it completely. I don't think the #1 will fix him.

[Stumble]

Well OP, you may be compatible in other ways, but as mutual live-ins, it leaves a lot to be desired.

I'd suggest you get your own place again, and see what develops from that point onward.

What you describe here looks like someone living together for decades, and being taken completely for granted.

 

Your boyfriend doesn't sound at all like he really grasps the whole concept of a couple living together and mutually handling domestic realities.

 

When I refer, jokingly - to myself as "housetrained" it really means that I get the whole concept of domestic responsibilites. And I learned that long ago. And it was a woman who taught me, bless her heart.

 

And believe me - if and when kids ever do show up, this had better be nailed down solid, or the afterwash could swallow up domestic bliss pretty quick!

Yes, I sometimes wonder how horrible my life will be if we have kids one day. I can see myself running around picking up nappies and buy milk all by myself..and will have to take care of him as well as kids. I am already tired as it is. Anyway I told him I'm moving out and I am tired of doing everything all by myself.

[Elle1975]

I live with my bf for a year now. Before I moved in I was looking for a rented flat of my own and never thought of living together with a bf. Because I stayed at his 2-3 nights a week and we get on well and never argued so I agreed to move in. He owns the flat and he has 2 other tenants who I get along with.

 

Before I moved in I said I won't be cooking everyday for us because I hate cooking and he agrees that it's fine. I also said I'm not ironing his clothes either cos I hate ironing and we have to share house work he said okay.

 

My bf is a very funny and sweet guy but lazy. I'm lazy sometimes too but I felt like I am giving more in the relationship than him. Throughout the whole year I was happy half of the time because (I'm trying to make this as short as I can)...

 

1) first 2-3 weeks of moving in he didn't help with cooking cleaning or anything. I was expected to cook, clear the table while he goes for a smoke, then I'd wash the dishes alone. He will then come back and watch telly. I was surprised about how he can just let me and watch me do things without asking if he can help with anything.

 

2) watching telly, he never asks or want to share what channel we both want to watch. Once a week we would watch the program that I and him like. Other than that's it s just what he likes. I'd go off and watch my own stuff on my ipad

 

3) I think he is addicted to tv. He turns it on as soon as he wakes up if he has a day off then watches it all day if he doesn't have to fix things in the house. Then he watches it until 1am. Sometimes falls asleep on the sofa. We don't go to bed together which sometimes bother me. I go to bed first cos I have to get up before him. I brought this up before that we don't go to bed together at all, some times it s nice to have our alone time in bed before we fall asleep and alone time from his flatmates. He just said he can't fall asleep if he goes to bed early. I felt like he was having a relationship with the tv than with me. When he watches tv most of the time he won't talk to me, he is fixated on the tv and also laughs at the adverts.

 

4) he doesn't like going out much which I understand that he is a homebody but he doesn't even like going out for a short walk in the park even when I asked him to come with me sometimes. In winter he will say it's too cold,summer he says it's too hot. Getting him out of the house with me was like pulling teeth. He came out with me 2-3 times for a walk and market during the whole year we live together. He prefers to stay in and watch tv, whereas when he was single he was out a lot. Most of the time I let him do what he wants even though I'd prefer that him to join me sometimes. I would go and do my own things either by myself or with friends. I even started yoga even i enjoyed I told him to try it with me and see if he likes it. He never went with me. I did not force him to do things because I respect his choice but I started to feel like I was not in a relationship. I felt like I was still single.

 

5) He doesn't take me out to cinema or restaurants either. I'm not a high maintenance girl who needs to be dined and wine all the time in expensive places but the fact that he doesn't do anything with me at all apart from watching tv together in the house really bothers me. He said it s because he doesn't have enough money and he is putting his money away for the mortgage for the house. Then when I offered to take him out he still says not he doesn't want me to waste my money. I understood when he said that but there are things we can do for free which he was unwilling to do with me. Once I managed to persuade him to go for a steak dinner in a nearby restaurant which I booked the table for. I was looking forward to it and so was he. Then when the time comes when we were about to leave, he asked me if we should invite his flatmate to come too. We had argument about that because I said 'do you not understand what "couples time" is? and he said I didn't need to speak to him like that. Hours later I apologised, then we made up and went for the dinner. However, I did not feel like booking anything with him again incase we will argue again.

 

6) he expect me to serve him food on the table where he is watching tv if I cook it and he comes home later in the evening after work, I'd tell him food is ready and cook on the stove, help yourself and he sometimes would sulk and make me feel guilty buy not going to get it himself and continues to sit or sometimes makes an unhappy face expression. He would always ask me to make him tea, get the desert mid night snack for us/him while we were watching tv. He doesn't seem to want to lift his finger or do anything for me, he is happy to watch me run around and do things for him.

 

7) he doesn't show any affection. Apart from us not going to bed together, if we are in the living room watching tv there are no cuddles and he never puts his arms around me. I just felt like I was craving the attention. I always the first one to go up and be the playful one and kiss him. Sometimes he would be playful back and sometimes he would say he wants spaces most of the time I give him space because I also like my own space but I started to feel very lonely even though we were sitting in the same room,

 

I have talked to him about all of the issues above and with some of them he changed and helped out like cooking and cleaning (he will only cook when he is hungry, if I'm hungry I have to wait). He likes to eat late at around 9pm where as I normally eat my dinner at 6.30-7pm.

 

When I spoke to him about not going out and do stuff together he said this is who he is and if I'm not happy then themes nothing he can do.

 

My question is.. am I being needy? Shall I leave this relationship?

 

He's "Sweet" but you have very little compatibility. "Sweet" isn't enough to make a relationship last. Imagine yourself with kids..

 

If you addressed the problem and nothing budged, I would leave, yes. You don't have much in common.

[GemmaUK]

Me and the one partner I lived with kinda figured out together what each of us was good at around the home and we spilt all the chores down the middle.

We were a team!

Going out and doing things together and apart is all part of a healthy relationship too. It doesn't have to be expensive.

I wouldn't live with another guy if all of that that wasn't the deal.

 

You're not his maid, nor his mother.

He is just as capable as you at 'doing' things to contribute. He is just being lazy..and you have let him to some extent. Habits can creep up on you.

They can be resolved if both are willing but he isn't even willing.

He is disrespectful.

 

Sounds like you need to get out.

I would.

[Stumble]

Me and the one partner I lived with kinda figured out together what each of us was good at around the home and we spilt all the chores down the middle.

We were a team!

Going out and doing things together and apart is all part of a healthy relationship too. It doesn't have to be expensive.

I wouldn't live with another guy if all of that that wasn't the deal.

 

You're not his maid, nor his mother.

He is just as capable as you at 'doing' things to contribute. He is just being lazy..and you have let him to some extent. Habits can creep up on you.

They can be resolved if both are willing but he isn't even willing.

He is disrespectful.

 

Sounds like you need to get out.

I would.

Thanks for your thought. He has tried to improve after the chat. He helps with cleaning a lot more and also cooking but will only cook when he gets hungry and doesn't care when I'm hungry. Have came out with me to the park eventually but he would drive us there (the park is 15 mins walk from where we live!!!!) then we walk around the park and he drove us back home. What the hell!

[preraph]

You have to keep in mind that however it starts in the beginning is how it's going to be. If you had refused to meet any of his demands and refused to let him hog the tv and do nothing that first week, he'd be gone by now. I suggest you tell him you want to find a real roommate and he needs to leave.

[Stumble]

Cheers for the insight

[Cynicalme]

Move out. Just move out. You're the girlfriend, not the wife/mommy/housemaid/cook.

 

You're are getting zilch out of this arrangement. Continue dating if you like, until you meet someone else (and you will).

[travelbug1996]

wheres the love story?? how did you end up moving in and does his roomates have a separate flat?

 

personally, no affection, im out.

[Daisydance]

I was in that exact same relationship for 5 years and despite the chats where he understood I felt neglected, bored and used nothing ever changed. It was very hard to end the the relationship as he hadn't done anything in particular wrong he just wasn't prepared to put in as much effort as me. The worst but was the refusal to go to bed the same time ever. Also the inviting friends to the rare occassion we did go anywhere. My mum saw him recently she said I wouldn't recognise him now. Im glad I didn't let it carry on

[SoPeachy]

You just listed a term paper's worth of reasons to leave him.

What else do you need?

true that