chloejade Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 Hello all, This community is usually the best with a helping hand so I'll keep it short and stick this one out there. I have been in a wonderful relationship with a 30 year old southern man (Alabama) for almost a year now. Overall our relationship has been very good and strong and though we've had our hard times we have recently been communicating more than ever and he's told me several times he's the happiest he's ever been and that he wants to spend our lives together. Up until a couple of days ago, he has told me he's falling in love with me more and more each day. He is quite loving and is fairly attentive to my needs and patient with some of the "BS" I bring to the table (since we all do to a certain extent) We have been living together for about six months, residing in New York State while he was working on a contract and I was going to school online and telecommuting to my previous contract position. Basically we had no friends in the small town that we lived as neither of us were from the area and we spent 100% of our spare time together. We had several small fights due to our close quarters and a death in my family that took me by surprise and made me difficult to live with for a couple of weeks. Recently he lost his job and he decided that our best bet was to go to our separate homes (his in Alabama, mine in Canada) and stay with our parents for a couple of weeks while aggressively searching for jobs in Canada, which he is very open to though it's a big move for him. I was very honest that I didn't want this to be a long separate period as I'm really just not cut out for long distance. I told him upfront that I was unhappy with the idea but would be patient as long as we were both sticking to our promise to work together from afar. After leaving each other about a month ago, I went home to work on our plan. He had told me that he was in need of a job soon but was experiencing some anxiety with the thought of a job search. I helped him make his resume and cover letter and provided him with a list of 40 positions to apply to. HE on the other hand has gone on a three week bender, exploring and drinking with his friends. He told me it feels nice to wind down and stay away from reality but has asked me to help by applying to jobs for him so that we could end the distance soon. I was upset that he didn't seem to want to work on this as well and each day I kept bringing up that he didn't seem to want to close the distance though he reassured me he would soon work on it too. Last week he came to visit me at home and spent the week with my friends and family as well and told my parents he'd be returning within a week or so. The day before my birthday he left for a friends bachelor party in Vegas and I definitely voiced that I felt a bit ditched and was uncomfortable with it being as that we had made no progress and I was starting to feel insecure in our relationship. Several times he reassured me things would be fine and that we were moving forward together. Even while in Vegas he contacted me often and we texted and spoke so often. We were both exchanging texts and he was often the one initiating the conversations, and while drunk and sappy he said so many times that we were made for each other etc. He voiced however that he was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety over the job search. I invited him to come back to my house so we could work together and I could help him. On the third day when he was supposed to fly home, him and his friends missed their flights and decided to go home another day. The next day he got drunk again and missed his flight. I was a bit taken back by his actions and called him irresponsible. The following day he contacted me via email saying that he was extremely overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure to find a job fast. He told me he needed his winding down period and was close to being able to move forward with the job search and moving forward together. He told me that he understood if I had to move in a different direction "figuratively speaking" and look for jobs in different cities. He also told me to make no mistake that he wanted us to be together long term and he wanted it more than anything else in life. For the time being though, he was having a hard time dealing with reality and was scared. I called him and begged him to fly to me so that I could help him and care for him. He promised to visit within a couple of weeks but I pushed it and pursued it until he told me that for the time being a break was needed so that he could wind down/destress and that he believed the time apart would save our relationship and secure a long term future for us. He guaranteed me he wasn't leaving me but needed a break. He told me he has no doubts about us, but needs some self reflecting and to make a plan. He also suggested that missing each other for a few days is a good thing. I felt so terrible about this but told him I'd give him space. One day later I found a job in the city we are looking to move to and a place to stay for a couple of months. I contacted him to let him know and he was happy but short. The last message he sent me told me he had all the faith in the world and was proud of me. I found out through social media that his guy friends have all left and he's spent the last five days with a platonic female friend which he has not told me. I am extremely hurt by this but don't think I should contact him. Though he has said that he is excited to move with me, I don't know when I am able to contact him again and don't want to stress him further because I love him and don't want him to be anxious. He told me he'd contact me when ready to talk and accept responsibility. We've exchanged some texts, mostly long on my part, but reassuring on his. I don't understand his actions and am very hurt that this is happening. I don't know how to wrap my head around the break especially because he was short, brief and didn't want to answer questions. I feel like he ran away instead of working together with me this week. I also feel terrible that he put me on a shelf to spend a week with a female friend in Vegas, knowing very well how hard I've been pulling for us. I'm scared that when push comes to shove, he's pulling away and won't be able to handle this anxiety of this move though he told me just yesterday everything he is doing is to save our relationship. I don't understand whether to wait days/weeks to contact him. I can't eat or sleep thinking that he's having a blast and forgetting about me or whether I should read between the lines. I don't want to lose my best bud and the person I love the most but I really feel this is unfair to me and I'm having a hard time since I'm confused. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INPUT- ANY INPUT! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
thekid36 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 (edited) Hello all, This community is usually the best with a helping hand so I'll keep it short and stick this one out there. I have been in a wonderful relationship with a 30 year old southern man (Alabama) for almost a year now. Overall our relationship has been very good and strong and though we've had our hard times we have recently been communicating more than ever and he's told me several times he's the happiest he's ever been and that he wants to spend our lives together. Up until a couple of days ago, he has told me he's falling in love with me more and more each day. He is quite loving and is fairly attentive to my needs and patient with some of the "BS" I bring to the table (since we all do to a certain extent) We have been living together for about six months, residing in New York State while he was working on a contract and I was going to school online and telecommuting to my previous contract position. Basically we had no friends in the small town that we lived as neither of us were from the area and we spent 100% of our spare time together. We had several small fights due to our close quarters and a death in my family that took me by surprise and made me difficult to live with for a couple of weeks. Recently he lost his job and he decided that our best bet was to go to our separate homes (his in Alabama, mine in Canada) and stay with our parents for a couple of weeks while aggressively searching for jobs in Canada, which he is very open to though it's a big move for him. I was very honest that I didn't want this to be a long separate period as I'm really just not cut out for long distance. I told him upfront that I was unhappy with the idea but would be patient as long as we were both sticking to our promise to work together from afar. After leaving each other about a month ago, I went home to work on our plan. He had told me that he was in need of a job soon but was experiencing some anxiety with the thought of a job search. I helped him make his resume and cover letter and provided him with a list of 40 positions to apply to. HE on the other hand has gone on a three week bender, exploring and drinking with his friends. He told me it feels nice to wind down and stay away from reality but has asked me to help by applying to jobs for him so that we could end the distance soon. I was upset that he didn't seem to want to work on this as well and each day I kept bringing up that he didn't seem to want to close the distance though he reassured me he would soon work on it too. Last week he came to visit me at home and spent the week with my friends and family as well and told my parents he'd be returning within a week or so. The day before my birthday he left for a friends bachelor party in Vegas and I definitely voiced that I felt a bit ditched and was uncomfortable with it being as that we had made no progress and I was starting to feel insecure in our relationship. Several times he reassured me things would be fine and that we were moving forward together. Even while in Vegas he contacted me often and we texted and spoke so often. We were both exchanging texts and he was often the one initiating the conversations, and while drunk and sappy he said so many times that we were made for each other etc. He voiced however that he was feeling a lot of stress and anxiety over the job search. I invited him to come back to my house so we could work together and I could help him. On the third day when he was supposed to fly home, him and his friends missed their flights and decided to go home another day. The next day he got drunk again and missed his flight. I was a bit taken back by his actions and called him irresponsible. The following day he contacted me via email saying that he was extremely overwhelmed and under a lot of pressure to find a job fast. He told me he needed his winding down period and was close to being able to move forward with the job search and moving forward together. He told me that he understood if I had to move in a different direction "figuratively speaking" and look for jobs in different cities. He also told me to make no mistake that he wanted us to be together long term and he wanted it more than anything else in life. For the time being though, he was having a hard time dealing with reality and was scared. I called him and begged him to fly to me so that I could help him and care for him. He promised to visit within a couple of weeks but I pushed it and pursued it until he told me that for the time being a break was needed so that he could wind down/destress and that he believed the time apart would save our relationship and secure a long term future for us. He guaranteed me he wasn't leaving me but needed a break. He told me he has no doubts about us, but needs some self reflecting and to make a plan. He also suggested that missing each other for a few days is a good thing. I felt so terrible about this but told him I'd give him space. One day later I found a job in the city we are looking to move to and a place to stay for a couple of months. I contacted him to let him know and he was happy but short. The last message he sent me told me he had all the faith in the world and was proud of me. I found out through social media that his guy friends have all left and he's spent the last five days with a platonic female friend which he has not told me. I am extremely hurt by this but don't think I should contact him. Though he has said that he is excited to move with me, I don't know when I am able to contact him again and don't want to stress him further because I love him and don't want him to be anxious. He told me he'd contact me when ready to talk and accept responsibility. We've exchanged some texts, mostly long on my part, but reassuring on his. I don't understand his actions and am very hurt that this is happening. I don't know how to wrap my head around the break especially because he was short, brief and didn't want to answer questions. I feel like he ran away instead of working together with me this week. I also feel terrible that he put me on a shelf to spend a week with a female friend in Vegas, knowing very well how hard I've been pulling for us. I'm scared that when push comes to shove, he's pulling away and won't be able to handle this anxiety of this move though he told me just yesterday everything he is doing is to save our relationship. I don't understand whether to wait days/weeks to contact him. I can't eat or sleep thinking that he's having a blast and forgetting about me or whether I should read between the lines. I don't want to lose my best bud and the person I love the most but I really feel this is unfair to me and I'm having a hard time since I'm confused. PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR INPUT- ANY INPUT! THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! Hi! Going to ramble so I apologize in advance! Sometimes, just getting your thoughts out tends to be sort of therapeutic. First of all. It sounds as if living together for awhile has had an effect on this relationship. Especially with it being to the extreme. In other words, you both being isolated with one another and away from family and friends. Some of that was producing stress. Even as much as you want to be together. Perhaps too much was being put into this. Then, he loses his job all of a sudden. It would make sense that he would feel even more stressed. He most likely felt the desire to take care of you so as to help things get back on track. That is when things have seemed to take a turn for the worse. I have honestly never heard of a woman finding work for a man. Nor, of a man expecting his woman to help. You have a lot more patience than a lot of people would have! His actions lately are really not acceptable. Whether or not he is stressed has nothing really to do with it. Nor how much he may care for you. He basically is ditching you so as to have a frantic free for all. Acting like a child as opposed to a man. It is all fun and games when all is going great. But, this is not exactly how relationships are. When things come up as a couple, they have to be solved. This is your thing right now, so to speak. Do you think he is handling this in a mature way with your best interest at heart? Or, do you think he is not being fair to you and the relationship in general by going out and making up for all of time he seems to perhaps have wanted back? A person can say he cares till the cows come home to be honest. What matters more is actions. I am worried that if he cannot step up to the plate and deal with this, that even more problems will come up even if you decide to stick together. You seem to be doing all you can to make this work. This is very important. Says a lot about who you are as a person and the kind of partner that you are. His behavior lately is sort of selfish. That goes against what being a couple is about. He may want to be with you but not be ready for all that comes with it. Is this the kind of man you want to ultimately be with? Edited June 27, 2014 by thekid36 2
Author chloejade Posted June 27, 2014 Author Posted June 27, 2014 Hi! Going to ramble so I apologize in advance! Sometimes, just getting your thoughts out tends to be sort of therapeutic. First of all. It sounds as if living together for awhile has had an effect on this relationship. Especially with it being to the extreme. In other words, you both being isolated with one another and away from family and friends. Some of that was producing stress. Even as much as you want to be together. Perhaps too much was being put into this. Then, he loses his job all of a sudden. It would make sense that he would feel even more stressed. He most likely felt the desire to take care of you so as to help things get back on track. That is when things have seemed to take a turn for the worse. I have honestly never heard of a woman finding work for a man. Nor, of a man expecting his woman to help. You have a lot more patience than a lot of people would have! His actions lately are really not acceptable. Whether or not he is stressed has nothing really to do with it. Nor how much he may care for you. He basically is ditching you so as to have a frantic free for all. Acting like a child as opposed to a man. It is all fun and games when all is going great. But, this is not exactly how relationships are. When things come up as a couple, they have to be solved. This is your thing right now, so to speak. Do you think he is handling this in a mature way with your best interest at heart? Or, do you think he is not being fair to you and the relationship in general by going out and making up for all of time he seems to perhaps have wanted back? A person can say he cares till the cows come home to be honest. What matters more is actions. I am worried that if he cannot step up to the plate and deal with this, that even more problems will come up even if you decide to stick together. You seem to be doing all you can to make this work. This is very important. Says a lot about who you are as a person and the kind of partner that you are. His behavior lately is sort of selfish. That goes against what being a couple is about. He may want to be with you but not be ready for all that comes with it. Is this the kind of man you want to ultimately be with? I needed to see this from another persons point of view. I guess I feel guilt for the times I've told him he was irresponsible etc but in reality I was simply trying to keep us on track since we have goals together. Do I wait it out for a bit and then hope that we can work through this? Surely his liver has to hurt by now? Is it ok to text him I'm a few days or is it best to just wait and carry on with my life? The last text he sent me was yesterday saying he has all the faith in the world in us. I simply didn't respond because now I need my space.
thekid36 Posted June 27, 2014 Posted June 27, 2014 I needed to see this from another persons point of view. I guess I feel guilt for the times I've told him he was irresponsible etc but in reality I was simply trying to keep us on track since we have goals together. Do I wait it out for a bit and then hope that we can work through this? Surely his liver has to hurt by now? Is it ok to text him I'm a few days or is it best to just wait and carry on with my life? The last text he sent me was yesterday saying he has all the faith in the world in us. I simply didn't respond because now I need my space. Hi! Seeing things from someone else's perspective is usually helpful. You really should not feel too guilty to be honest. He has been acting in a very irresponsible way. Whether he usually is by nature or not. You deserve a man and not a child. A man who is not going to run and hide when his partner really needs him the most. Please do not get caught up on his words right now. The actions are just not backing them up. If he truly had faith and was committed to it, then he would not put all of the burden/responsibility on you. I like that you are taking some space and feel that this may be healthy for you going forward. If he truly means what he claims and wants this to work out, then he knows where and how to find you. Let him come to you though. Don't go out of your own way at all to search him out.
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