My GF won't communicate with me when she's mad

[Emilia]

But isn't that still better than b*tching someone out and making a huge scene?

Clearly neither is good but surely it's better when someone is honestly expresses their feelings? The silent treatment is designed to convey that the other person doesn't care about you. How could that be ever a good thing?

[Strength in Healing]

You bagged yourself an immature idiot.

[soccerrprp]

I now realize how wrong I was too. So tonight, when I get back (assuming she's still awake, since I'll be late), should I ask if we can talk and immediately go into why I behaved the way I did, and how I need to be better at communicating?

 

I am not excusing her silence, but some people are prone to closing off to "figure things out." This is, imho, mostly not promising as it usually means that she is stewing over doubts. You should have this talk about communication and as others have suggested, use "WE."

 

As per maturity, you BOTH need to work on that in terms of communication.

[antineutrino]

This is generally not good OP. You don't want to get hooked on someone who 'treats you mean to keep you keen'!

 

I understand. But when she's not mad at me (which is the overwhelming norm), things are amazing between us. We have so much fun together and are really happy together.

[Fondue]

The difference is that he's acknowledged that he's being immature, and tried to communicate with her. She's maintained her cone of silence for something like 24 hours now.

 

Screw it. You've tried to get her to communicate, and she won't. Clearly it's more important to her to feel superior than to actually be an adult and talk to you. Let her be immature all she wants, but let her do it alone. Go do you own thing, spend time with friends, whatever you like. Eventually, she'll probably text you or something. And if she takes issue with your absence when she does, tell her that you had better things to do than try to communicate with somebody who refuses to speak to you. Stand your ground on this. If she starts screaming at you, leave or hang up. If she threatens to leave you, call her bluff.

 

I probably sound a bit strident, but this kind of emotional abuse is uncalled for.

 

Have to agree with this 100%.

 

While he was a (a very little) bit immature to begin with, he owned up to it and tried his best to communicate. Although I wouldn't have cried (and that probably made you look pathetic, actually), I think you are not to blame here.

She took it too far and is now "punishing" you and exerting her force on you emotionally.

 

**** that.

 

The BEST thing now is to simply have fun, man. Don't even worry about her. Forget about her for now. Enjoy YOURSELF. Trust me. That's the best offense here. She's not going to know what to do with herself once she notices you're not there, you went out, you're doing something else. ****ing see a friend, have a beer, pack a bowl, play some video games, watch a futbol match, play futbol. Whatever. Just go out and enjoy it.

 

It is even better if you guys don't live to together. You don't have to come home to anything, so you're free.

 

Trust me. Enjoy this time. She'll eventually come around. Whatever you do, DO NOT try to apologize AGAIN and re initiate anything. She is the one doing the damage now, not you. You're only giving her more power by continuing to coddle her.

[Diezel]

Good lord... no wonder she slaps you around.

You cried over this? And you are asking her what you did wrong when SHE slapped you?

 

You might want to check her purse... your balls might be in there next to the tampons and her lip gloss.

 

I think it's time to dump this chick and find a woman you can actually be a man with... and not only that but one that can respect you as well. I don't care how playful that is, if you don't like it, she shouldn't be doing it and you should be letting her know.

[Fondue]

Good lord... no wonder she slaps you around.

You cried over this? And you are asking her what you did wrong when SHE slapped you?

 

You might want to check her purse... your balls might be in there next to the tampons and her lip gloss.

 

I think it's time to dump this chick and find a woman you can actually be a man with... and not only that but one that can respect you as well. I don't care how playful that is, if you don't like it, she shouldn't be doing it and you should be letting her know.

 

Oh yah, also this.

 

She definitely owns your pair, man.

 

How can you let a woman abuse you both physically and emotionally? And you come back and beg for her forgiveness.

 

Take back your balls, man. At least have that.

[GemmaUK]

I understand. But when she's not mad at me (which is the overwhelming norm), things are amazing between us. We have so much fun together and are really happy together.

 

I'm back tracking on my last post here.

 

Pete and Soccer are right (even though Soccer's first post almost made me jump outta my skin! )

 

I agree with the guys that you both need to sit and have a proper talk about your communication/argument styles.

 

She shouldn't have slapped you but also you should have said something the first time it ever happened (in a jokey way or not) that you did't like it.

 

I think you both need a calm conversation to go through what happened with the basis of the conversation being how you avoid this kind of thing again.

Incidents like this are a shame when all the rest is good.

 

It isn't fair that she goes aloof on you but if she explains to you that if ever she does this you're better to just wait for her to reach out to you then you could at least not feel the need for a load of apologies while she calms down.

 

I think what mustn't happen this time around is that you don't just play like all is good when she comes back. Make sure you have that talk and have an adult conversation about it rather than letting it turn into another argument.

 

You get along really well from the sound of it most of the time so you have a good basis you can work from.

Learning how to resolve stuff like this is just another part of relationships and working at them.

[soccerrprp]

OP,

 

Is this OCD self-diagnosed or medically?

[antineutrino]

OP,

 

Is this OCD self-diagnosed or medically?

 

OCD? What do you mean?

[soccerrprp]

OCD? What do you mean?

 

Oh, crap, wrong thread. Sorry.

[ascendotum]

Yes, it is tame.

She goes quiet on you pretty often though doesn't she?

 

Looking at past posts and this also she is being abusive towards you.

.....

I think you should get away from her before this gets any worse.

Her times when she goes aloof on you aren't going to stop. It's a way of control for her and isn't nice at all.

 

she has the upper hand in this relationship.and knows it. For the OP, crying, and sucking up to her and proffering ILYs is not change the relationship dynamic at all. she will just have less respect for him as a man. Passive aggressive behavior shytes me,and while I agree its not a mature response, I think he should give her a taste of it herself. Don't react when sh pulls the emotional strings like this.

[soccerrprp]

In the end. You both need to talk about how communication is vital to the health of the relationship. She sounds like so many people, especially ladies that I know, who need deal with doubt or conflict by closing themselves in until they are ready to resolve or simply dismiss. The latter being unhealthy.

 

When she's not angry with you, she's great as you've said. When angry, she's doubting things, questioning.

 

So, this is a predictable pattern then, right? Have the talk and let her know how you feel about being shut out.

[Stumble]

That's actually kind of a good thing. She is thinking things through and not talking to you until she's level-headed and calm. That's actually a very mature way to respond, you should consider yourself lucky.

 

Unless of course you would prefer all the drama that comes with yelling and screaming and getting all emotional and upset.

this is definitely not good when someone does this. It's emotional manipulation, which is not an acceptable behaviour in both men and women.

 

Also, it is not good to shout or scream either. However, she should talk to you and let you know what the problem is instead of keeping quiet for days, as if she enjoys watching you suffer. Red flag.

[acrosstheuniverse]

This is now a deal breaker after lasting four years in a relationship with a guy who did this. It was so manipulative, I was so in love with him (dated 18-23), that obviously I just wanted to make him happy and when he was happy, the way he treated me made me happy, it was all very co-dependent. He used to get silent and moody if something happened he didn't like, which could range from my skirt being too short (or me going swimming, seeing a male gynae and so forth)... through to us all being out for dinner and him feeling I was focusing more on my friends than him (well, duh! You see your partner so often and have so much quality time that when you go out to socialise you're both supposed to enjoy the fact you're with your friends too). It was embarrassing and controlling. I tried to act in ways that would please him (wearing skinny jeans on nights out while all my friends wore pretty dresses, not hanging out one on one with guy mates as much as I normally would) because the way he was when he was giving me the silent treatment made me so anxious until it was resolved I couldn't bear it.

 

He wasn't a nasty, bad person, nor was he consciously an abuser or anything like that. He was just an immature teenage boy with a lot of anxieties and insecurities that he couldn't handle being pushed, and I was too immature and inexperienced to stand up for myself and show him what I would and wouldn't stand for. I learned a lot, not sure what he was like in subsequent relationships.

 

Treating you like this is wrong, OP. She could have said what the other posters said 'look, I'm too angry to talk properly right now so how about we get a bit of space and we can chat later at dinner?' that's the adult, respectful thing to do. She is acting like a spoilt princess and the fact she's actually got you crying about it will only make her lose respect for you more. The next time she starts with it, tell her that you're not going to be ignored by somebody who loves you, get up and leave. And then act in the above manner. If she gets in touch, tell her you're just thinking things over and calming down and you'll speak to her later. Then when you do speak, inform her that you won't stand for the silent treatment and if that's how she plans to resolve all arguments in the future, you don't think you're as compatible as you once thought.

 

Trust me, you have to get her out of this or she'll just keep doing it. Nobody wants a relationship on tenterhooks like this.