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My wife cheated, I'm in ruins

Trustnoone

By Trustnoone
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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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I'm going to go a little different direction with this. If your wife is willing to do the work and you want to stay, then I wish you all the best with R.

 

I am concerned that there is still such a discrepancy in your dates - does this mean she is still lying and trickle-truthing you? I'm not sure how you can move forward without her being honest and owning up to what she did. Make sure you get help with this in MC.

 

Does the OM know that he may be a father?

 

Compulsivedancer,

 

Thank you for this post. WW is willing to do everything, part of the reason she will have this chance. I will also do what is needed from myself. Yes, OM is aware that he is the biological father. Her timeline will be produced at our next MC session. She has acknowledged that the EA did start sooner and that the affair was about nine months total. Other time I thought she was having the affair has been explained last night. So the affair is nine months. I can accept that. For me it doesn't matter how many times she had sex. Once was too many so any time they did after doesn't matter. The fact she did it once nuked my world. WW has owned the affair, she stopped the affair, OM wanted the affair to continue and she on her own began a form of no contact. WW would only deal with him for work, no other conversations. This she did before the affair was confirmed to me. Her guilt is through the roof, as it should be. She is remorseful for what she has done. She has respect and empathy for me. My heart will heal in time and if I become a better father, person and man from this then all the better.

 

Side note, were you and CM starting a family or are all the threads I read blending together on me? Good luck to you CD I wish you the best.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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Just one more thought, get her to take a polygraph test with regards to the dates and length of affair. If she is still lying to you this may get you a parking lot confession. How do you know this is her first infidelity?

 

Aliveagain,

 

This has crossed my mind on several occasions. Of course WW denies any other affairs or ONS, but at a time like this my mind runs in a thousand different directions. I have brought this up to our MC last week. I am unsure what the MC believes. I haven't fully decided on a poly yet but it is on the table. WW agreed immediately to take the poly if I so desired. So I got that going for me!

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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I'm sorry to say this but if that's how you feel then you get what you deserve.

 

What she did is without a doubt low as you can go and if you refuse to do anything about it, then be prepared for more infidelity and you better pray to God that she can't have any more kids but can still pass on STD's

 

Bubbaganoosh,

 

I have gotten what I didn't deserve so if I get what I do deserve I'll be better off, thanks! I couldn't agree more that what she did was low. WW has consequences she faces each day. Her typical day starts and this is only the first hour, with regret, shame, fear, crying, depression, and the thought of she doesn't even know who she is. WW admits to being a monster and begins every day since d-day with I'm sorry and I love you. Now these are words and not actions but throughout the day I witness the actions. If I didn't her chance is over. When I say she is working hard, she is. She hasn't let up since d-day. I know on another thread I posted that I couldn't believe she has lasted this long, but she has. Most importantly, I know she has. I'm certainly glad I'm not in her shoes.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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Just remember your wife can divorce you....get back together with the OM/Kids Bio Father....then tell the kids he's your real daddy but you will still be on the hook to pay child support. Usually up to two years of knowledge the kids aren't yours depending on state. :sick:

 

In like Flynn,

 

I will pack her bags, drive her to his house, carry the bags inside, and give her spending money. WW hates him. Now some other guy... Sorry but sometimes my sarcasm gets me in trouble! WW does hate him and the thought of talking to him now makes her want to vomit. She has not contacted him at all.

SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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In most states and common law countries, if a husband and wife band together as a united front and oppose any paternity overtures by the OM, the children of the marriage will be conclusively presumed as the legitimate offspring of the marriage. After passage of a certain time (often anywhere from 6 to 24 months), that conclusion will become irrebuttable. Crudely put, as a married man, you get "first dibs" on any children your wife bear. This is good for you, OP, as it means you probably do NOT have to spend years wondering if OM or fWW will do something to blow up your precious family.

 

Obviously you'll need to take your exact facts to a competent family law practitioner in your jurisdiction to be sure of this. Please don't guess or assume anything, as the actual law is often quite different from what people think it is and there is a lot if misinformation circulating out there.

HereNorThere Established Member

HereNorThere

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As an adopted child myself, I commend you on wanting to be a father to these children. However, you must make sure that the OM has signed away his paternal rights and you have adopted the children. Their birth certificate may can have you listed as a father, but he could one day challenge you in court for custody.

 

Please make sure to be as honest as you can with your children about where they came from. Being betrayed by a parent is much, much more devastating than any infidelity. Take it from someone who has been there.

 

Good luck OP.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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In like Flynn,

 

I will pack her bags, drive her to his house, carry the bags inside, and give her spending money. WW hates him. Now some other guy... Sorry but sometimes my sarcasm gets me in trouble! WW does hate him and the thought of talking to him now makes her want to vomit. She has not contacted him at all.

 

I wish she didn't "hate him" - that shows emotion.

 

There's that FINE line between love and hate...she has work to do. When she "feels" neutral about him - that will be progress for all.

 

Since she feels hatred - she should look at what those feelings REALLY represent. She's not being honest with herself. The one she should be mad at is herself - she can blame no one else for her own actions.

 

Just saying...

dragon_fly_7 Established Member

dragon_fly_7

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I think this is one of the most saddest and disturbing story of a cheater I've ever read during my time here esp the part of how you still want to be a great father to the twins, even though they're the OM's biological children.

 

Trustnoone I really had to read your posts again but it was so intense. Not too many men would forgive that but I guess if you want to try to work it out, there has to be completely honesty on her part and no trickle truth whatsoever.

 

I'm still at lost of words. The most innocent party in this story are the kids.:(

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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To the TS, I feel for you. I have a similar situation and is currently in R. But if I were in your case, you should let go of your WW. End your marriage. You do not deserve a person like this treating you like dirt. And to take care of your children that possibly from the OM? The pain. These horrors can haunt you a lifetime.

 

Stronghusband,

 

I like you have chosen the path of reconciliation. On your thread I commented that I support you in your choice. I also was wary that your wife could still work with the OM and a reason to expose. Maybe after you read my story you understand where I was coming from and why. The reason I'm here is for opinions and to vent. I have no vendetta against anyone and appreciate the comments. I hope you are stronger than I and that your WW still working with her OM does not become an issue. I couldn't deal with this after a few months. The triggers got worse each day. I understand fully that you can't control what your wife will do, as I couldn't either. Trust but verify has helped me get to where I am today. Good luck to you.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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well, it seems like you've decided to try and make it work. if that's what you really want, then by all means give it a shot. i do suggest that you follow through in protecting yourself(post-nup) and your assets, though. you now know that your wife is perfectly capable of betraying you in the most ultimate way.

 

does this OM know he is the real father of these children?

 

Artie,

 

I have protected myself as much as possible for the moment. It does scare the he!! out me she is capable. If it happens again I will be better prepared with the action I have taken.

Yes, the OM is aware.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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I perfectly understand how you feel since I experienced infidelity when my partner cheated on me and went with another woman. I know it's a huge struggle of an emotional stress. I believe that you are a good man, though you don't deserve this but hold on and just have faith that rays of hope smiles at you and time comes that you will free your heart from grief and hatred and you will learn to love life in spite of everything. For now, just embrace the pain, let your heart grieve till one time you wake and it hurts no more.

 

Stop any leaning towards discouragement and self-pity. You don't have time for that. Cast all your fear on to God....

 

I am so sorry for the grief and turmoil you had to go through. I hope you yourself have found happiness and peace. Thank you for posting this. You have actually brought a tear to my eyes as I read this. For the first time in along time it was not a tear of sadness but a tear for peace and joy. You have lifted my spirits more than I can say. Thank you.

 

When our MC figured this out she suggested something to me. She asked me to surrender myself to Jesus. Let Him take control from here. I did this as I noticed myself that my spiritual faith was gone. I was mad at Him for giving me more than I could handle. For allowing my WW to stray. I surrendered the following morning. Each day since my pain is less and my head more clear. I asked for forgiveness myself for losing my faith. Thank you again.

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drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

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...

 

 

When our MC figured this out she suggested something to me. She asked me to surrender myself to Jesus. Let Him take control from here. I did this as I noticed myself that my spiritual faith was gone. I was mad at Him for giving me more than I could handle. For allowing my WW to stray. I surrendered the following morning. Each day since my pain is less and my head more clear. I asked for forgiveness myself for losing my faith. Thank you again.

Who is your marriage counselor - a priest/nun/pastor or whatever? I can understand this kind of "advice" if you are in some kind of religious MC - but it is incredibly unprofessional - maybe even criminal - for a MC to suggest just trusting jesus or whatever other god you believe in to just take over your life. Really, I think it's malpractice for sure and would likely get any real counselor barred by the board that oversees the conduct of counselors in your state. I guess this is your problem to deal with so you do what you want. Let me know how jesus does handling your life for you.

 

Others will, and do, say how strong you are to try to reconcile with a WW who - along with cheating on you for god knows how long - came up pregnant with another man's child(s) and brought them home for you to raise. Look up cuckolding. And now you get to see these innocents and experience this massive trigger every day for the rest of your life. Of course its not the children's fault - it's their mothers fault. They didn't deserve to be born into this situation but her callus disregard for her wedding vows and selfish, sexual desire for another man has dealt them a lousy hand that they have to play for the rest of their lives.

 

I don't think you show any strength at all. I see at as such incredible weakness of character that you are paralyzed by the fear of losing your wife - the person who betrayed you and has caused this whole, disgusting mess. Maybe whatever it is inside you that allows yourself to be treated worse then dirt will help with your "reconciliation" or whatever you want to call it. Safe and happy in your martyrdom you just might be ok. Whatever happens from here on I beg you to put the welfare of those innocent babies over either of your needs. Maybe that means you divorcing her so she can find another man to raise them. At least that man will know the score going in. For him, the kids will not trigger memories of the affair, their cheating mother, and their bio father - her OM. If you stay you cannot predict if or when you are going to face all of these facts and explode or have a breakdown or whatever. The longer you are "daddy" to the kids the more painful and difficult it would be if you finally decide you don't want to live with your WW. I'd be interested to know what your MC thinks of this scenario.

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Davey L Established Member

Davey L

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Davey L

 

Thanks for this, it gives me hope that I will succeed in raising my boys. You have actually made me smile!

 

 

 

Glad I made you smile - it means I've achieved something today!

 

 

Like some others have said - take some legal advice, make sure you are legally recognised as father. I think here in the UK you are the father if you are on the birth certificate hence have the rights of a father (and the responsibilities too, of course). But I am no expert on law - take some professional advice and find out what your rights are responsibilities are, and how best to safeguard that.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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I can't see why your W would be motivated to repair the damage she caused when she knows you're not going to divorce her.

 

She's got you raising two boys you didn't produce - she didn't OFFER her truth.

 

What makes you think she might start growing a conscience now - or may suddenly become an honest woman of honor? I doubt she will.

 

How can you not feel disgust when you even look in her direction?

 

 

2sunny

 

One chance is all she gets. Mess up, I'm done.

 

I chose to raise the boys she didn't ask. I won't turn my back on two innocent boys. Or girls for that matter. They are innocent and deserve a chance in life. If I walked away from two small kids I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I took them to Florida in March, played with them in the ocean, the beach, and the pool. We had a blast!

 

She may or may not. My gut says she will find honor.

 

While I hate what she did I never hated her. Am I pissed off at what she did? YES. She has it in her to change. She has that strength.

LostOnes05 Established Member

LostOnes05

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You are a very strong person, and I applaud you for working on your marriage and taking care of the twins. However, at what point do you say enough is enough? I was cheated on in my first and (so far) only relationship and it is something that I find irredeemable, especially the lies that followed the cheating. What is worse is that she had you believe these children were yours. I'm sorry and I know the children are innocent but that doesn't mean that their mom should benefit because of your love for them. How do you trust or respect someone like that? Go to sleep next to them? Look them in the eyes and know they are truthful with you? To watch the children grow and begin to look like her and the other man, while having no biological children of my own would hurt me to the core. I respect your decision...I just don't know how you do it everyday.

 

Best of luck and sorry this happened to you!

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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My sympathies.

 

However, by taking divorce off the table she is free to do whatever she wants knowing damn well there will be NO repercussions. You will continue to be her safety net and contribute financially to her life, whilst she begins her next escapade.

 

I also have a huge problem with the whole "people make mistakes" in your story. Your wife may not be evil per se, but her actions have shown that she openly has no respect for you.

 

The children may be innocent in all of this, but that does not mean you have to 'sacrifice' and continue living with her. There are many ways in which you could remain a father for them.

 

 

Syco

 

She has one chance, mess it up and I'm gone, divorce. Is it what she did horrible, by all means yes. She is a human being. You are a human being. I am a human being. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Do you? Yes. Did she? Yes. Have you ever made a bad choice? I'm sure of it. Not to this magnitude but you have probably made a bad choice. I do. I have. I have decided to give her one chance. Respect. Before affair? Yes. During affair? No. Now? Yes. How well do you know her or me? You know what I have typed. She gets this one chance. I know she respects me. Probably more now than before the affair.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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Does your gut say your WW has EVER been unfaithful at any other time in your relationship or no?

 

2sunny

 

No. That includes dating and marriage.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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Ok then, I hope she signs your document right away!

 

2sunny

 

She has offered to go pick it up as soon as its ready. Will sign it upon receipt. I wouldn't offer this chance for her if she were not worth it. She is. I know she has it in her to make the changes. For all the years we have together I can give her one chance. It's all I can give her.

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Owl Established Member

Owl

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Trust...I don't have an issue with your decision. First off...it's yours and yours alone to make. It's not anyone else's business. Secondly...you seem to recognize what you're signing up for.

 

You've done your homework, you've made your decisions, and you stand by them. You've got a plan to proceed.

 

Nothing but respect for you, my friend. That is how things get done.

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revelations Established Member

revelations

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Who is your marriage counselor - a priest/nun/pastor or whatever? I can understand this kind of "advice" if you are in some kind of religious MC - but it is incredibly unprofessional - maybe even criminal - for a MC to suggest just trusting jesus or whatever other god you believe in to just take over your life. Really, I think it's malpractice for sure and would likely get any real counselor barred by the board that oversees the conduct of counselors in your state. I guess this is your problem to deal with so you do what you want. Let me know how jesus does handling your life for you.

 

Others will, and do, say how strong you are to try to reconcile with a WW who - along with cheating on you for god knows how long - came up pregnant with another man's child(s) and brought them home for you to raise. Look up cuckolding. And now you get to see these innocents and experience this massive trigger every day for the rest of your life. Of course its not the children's fault - it's their mothers fault. They didn't deserve to be born into this situation but her callus disregard for her wedding vows and selfish, sexual desire for another man has dealt them a lousy hand that they have to play for the rest of their lives.

 

I don't think you show any strength at all. I see at as such incredible weakness of character that you are paralyzed by the fear of losing your wife - the person who betrayed you and has caused this whole, disgusting mess. Maybe whatever it is inside you that allows yourself to be treated worse then dirt will help with your "reconciliation" or whatever you want to call it. Safe and happy in your martyrdom you just might be ok. Whatever happens from here on I beg you to put the welfare of those innocent babies over either of your needs. Maybe that means you divorcing her so she can find another man to raise them. At least that man will know the score going in. For him, the kids will not trigger memories of the affair, their cheating mother, and their bio father - her OM. If you stay you cannot predict if or when you are going to face all of these facts and explode or have a breakdown or whatever. The longer you are "daddy" to the kids the more painful and difficult it would be if you finally decide you don't want to live with your WW. I'd be interested to know what your MC thinks of this scenario.

 

My friend I have a feeling that OP is staying with the WW for a reason and probably a reason he does not feel comfortable posting about here. In his situation (depending on where in the world he lives) leaving his WW even after being cuckold can mean ruin for him. So sometimes staying with a WW such as this is for his own protection and that of the kids. Remember that a lot of places will make him pay for those kids even though they are not his. So waiting until they turn 18yrs old can be a wiser move than just leaving right now. I am hoping that this is the case with OP and he is not staying behind fear of loosing his WW or that he will not find another woman.

 

What OP's WW has done is probably one of the cruelest things a WW or any woman can do to a man. The trouble is that even when the courts or the general public will acknowledge this the OP will still be taken advantage of. This will be done because everyone will minimize the damage done to the OP by saying the children are innocent. While I do agree that the children are innocent, this battle cry is used to enslave men like this OP all the time. The bottom line is that OP's WW has not just successfully hurt OP, she has also made escape much too costly in the long run. Remember OP is old enough that he may not be able to recover paying off the child support and alimony.

 

However drifter777 I have to agree with you that leaving this WW would be the healthy thing to do mentally for the OP, the trouble is that the financial ruin will also destroy the OP's mind also. This is why in part of my post I made suggestions about leaving later after the kids have grown. Remember that he is not obligated at this point morally (at least in my opinion) to even notify the WW that he is or will leave. To be honest with you I don't think that even if the OP stays with the WW he owes her any fidelity or anything else at all. Women like this deserve to end up living alone with their wine, anti-depressants and cats. I really do hope that OP keeps it cool for now only to leave his WW later on. Then retire someplace were she cannot get to him and he gets to enjoy other women, even if it is just one night at a time. So let's hope that the OP is just being smart and planning a long term escape plan rather than actually trying to work things out with the WW. I am just very thankful that I will never have to worry about having a wife or girlfriend like this WW. I have done something that the feminist did not expect. Instead of playing the game by their rules, I got up and walked out on it.

revelations Established Member

revelations

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Trust, I know you have your reasons for staying with your WW. I just want you to know that in my book you owe your WW nothing at all. So if staying with her gets too difficult for any reason at all, then have a plan ready to leave her butt and leave her without notice. I know I come off mean and I also know that this is your WW, so I mean no disrespect to you. To me seeing a WW treating someone the way you were treated really bothers me. So I wish the best for you and what you want for her kids. This is why I say that I am hoping you are just waiting until your in a better position to dump and leave your WW. However even if you do stay with your WW as far as I am concerned you do not owe it to her to be faithful. Remember their are always trips you can take alone to places were you can meet up with nice women. You can also hire escorts and such and enjoy yourself that way. Some people do not like my perspective, however can you tell me of any other contract were one person can totally break every agreement and yet your still expected to fulfill your obligations? That is correct a marriage contract is the only one that will allow a WW to cheat, have kids by an OM and make the BH pay for it all. Worse yet is that the WW can still demand that you remain loyal under threat. So no matter what you do, do it for yourself. Remember that your WW has no interest in protecting you or respecting you at all.

soccerrprp Established Member

soccerrprp

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Syco

 

She has one chance, mess it up and I'm gone, divorce. Is it what she did horrible, by all means yes. She is a human being. You are a human being. I am a human being. Do I make mistakes? Yes. Do you? Yes. Did she? Yes. Have you ever made a bad choice? I'm sure of it. Not to this magnitude but you have probably made a bad choice. I do. I have. I have decided to give her one chance. Respect. Before affair? Yes. During affair? No. Now? Yes. How well do you know her or me? You know what I have typed. She gets this one chance. I know she respects me. Probably more now than before the affair.

 

I am convinced, by this explanation, again, that you are in denial or emotionally enslaved by her or the relationship you thought you had.

 

Again, she did not make a SINGLE mistake, she actively engaged in a series of "mistakes" which makes them NOT mistakes, but deliberate acts of betrayal. She enjoyed, planned, and executed an affair that encompassed many repeated acts of deception, lack of respect for you and your marriage. Like some have said, she has also put you in danger by having unsafe sex.

 

What if the children's father wants a relationship? You have NO idea if her wanting to remain is b/c her cheating friend has pulled away from her and she is desperate for support. NO IDEA.

 

Do you know that sexual immorality is a reason for divorce in scriptures? Did your counselor tell you that? I'm not saying to abandon the innocent children, but you have not thought things through. You have not thought about the what ifs!

 

Good luck.

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SoulStorm Established Member

SoulStorm

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You said you were cold and calculating after dday.

Can you describe some of the things you did and what was her response initially to them?

I wish you the best.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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You said you were cold and calculating after dday.

Can you describe some of the things you did and what was her response initially to them?

I wish you the best.

 

Soulstorm

 

2 days after d-day, financially cut off, accounts separated, number of lawyer to contact to contact me, bags packed in foyer, OM's wife notified, all her belongings removed from bedroom, lawyer drawing up pre-nup in my favor, 60-40 spit for custody (60) was me, threat to notify her boss, letter written describing her affair in sealed envelopes addressed to all family members on both sides, lawyer starting alienation of affection lawsuit paperwork. Not to mention my charming and witty banter.

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Trustnoone Established Member

Trustnoone

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I am convinced, by this explanation, again, that you are in denial or emotionally enslaved by her or the relationship you thought you had.

 

Again, she did not make a SINGLE mistake, she actively engaged in a series of "mistakes" which makes them NOT mistakes, but deliberate acts of betrayal. She enjoyed, planned, and executed an affair that encompassed many repeated acts of deception, lack of respect for you and your marriage. Like some have said, she has also put you in danger by having unsafe sex.

 

What if the children's father wants a relationship? You have NO idea if her wanting to remain is b/c her cheating friend has pulled away from her and she is desperate for support. NO IDEA.

 

Do you know that sexual immorality is a reason for divorce in scriptures? Did your counselor tell you that? I'm not saying to abandon the innocent children, but you have not thought things through. You have not thought about the what ifs!

 

Good luck.

 

soccerrprp,

 

The only thing I'm in denial about or from is alcohol.

Seriously, I know all of what you mentioned above. According to the bible I am allowed divorce as she had intercourse. I understand what she has done. I have lived this for some time now. I get it. You are not me. You don't know all that has happened. My purpose for coming here was venting and seeing other sides. I haven't been shown anything I haven't thought of on my own. But some posters drifter777 don't understand. He will not be happy, like you, until I divorce. I have my reasons, which I'm unable to expose at this time. Since I get it how about you let it go? When you wake tomorrow morning does my decision, stay or divorce, impact your life at all?

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