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My wife cheated, I'm in ruins


Trustnoone

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I'm 48 WW is 43. Twin boys are two and a half. Married 19 years, together 25 years. She was my first I am not her first.

.

WW had a miscarriage in 2008 and I was devastated. I concentrated on her healing and didn't communicate to her my feelings. From this point I did everything for WW. I became a better husband. We continued to try to have a child. No success. My worst fear would come true, I would never hear a child call me dad.

 

Fast forward to 2010. We had started our own business with friends. I was busy working full time (different company) and part time for our company. I notice she is spending time with OM at work. On our way home either she or he would call. They would talk another half hour. She would tell me of their conversations. In hindsight I was so stupid for not seeing this! I believe the EA started in march of 2010. WW says late July. I believe the affair ended in August of 2011. WW says January 2011.

 

Then came a phone call to work. A phone call came in saying someone from her department was having sex in a forest preserve. Call was really saying her and her OM. WW spoke to OM then two days later informed me. They got their story straight. I didn't believe her and investigated but found no signs of an affair. I told her to back off from OM she did. They would have lunch together about two times a week, sometimes more. Also seen driving together quite often.

 

Two weeks later after the call I observe them driving together. Confront on the way home and she says they are just friends. I no longer see them together. In October they have sex for the first time. They also made out and groped each other two to three times a week since early September. This continues through January 2011. They had sex in the middle of January for the second and last time. Making out also stops.

 

March of 2011 WW is pregnant. We had been trying to conceive for fifteen years. According to WW affair ended in January 2011. I believe now the affair lasted 18-24 months but WW says it was six months. I have no actual proof of either.

 

I remember we fought after New Years regarding being intimate to conceive a child. I admit I had given up trying for a child. I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster anymore after fifteen years. I guess it's fair to say I gave up after the miscarriage. I wanted to be intimate romantically not just when all the planets lined up and the temperature perfect. If it happened I couldn't be happier but I was done trying. Anyway we fought all of January. For valentines day I bought her lingerie. In 2011 this was our first time being intimate. WW conceived in January of 2011. Doctor did tell me the conceived date could be off two weeks. I told this to WW during the pregnancy and she could only say she doesn't remember every time we were intimate.

 

Fast forward to April 2013 our anniversary. We stay at a hotel and return from shopping. As I park I notice two people having sex in a car two spots away. My gut screamed affair. I couldn't control my emotions. I waited three days then asked my WW if she was having an affair. WW waited about five seconds then replied you have nothing to worry about. My heart stopped, was ripped from my chest and thrown on the floor. I knew, she had cheated and I died on the inside.

 

I was suicidal for the next thirteen months. In August I asked WW to find a marriage counselor. We started in September of 2013. We went every week. January 20th 2014 was my d-day. I got her to confess. WW lied to the MC from September 2013 to January 2014. I was again devastated on d-day. Highly suicidal but hid it from everyone. June 3rd 2014 my MC figured everything out. I was relieved I finally had nothing to hide about wanting to die. I am recovering and in reconciliation with my WW. WW has one chance. As for me this will not be my defining moment in life. It will be how I raise two beautiful young boys to be respectable men.

 

I came here as writing this is cathartic for me. I still have rage and that has come through on some posts of mine. I apologize to those I offended. Probably not the person you want advice from so I tell parts of my story in posts for the OP to see a different side or maybe a better understanding. I'm not qualified to really give advice but sometimes I'll throw in my two cents.

 

I exposed the affair to OM's wife and got him to quit his job. Have not gone any further on exposure. I am currently seeking a post-nup that will be heavily in my favor. Even though I never thought I would become cold and calculating towards my wife, she left me no choice. I hate infidelity, WW changed, I changed, marriage changed, our lives changed. Why? Why choose infidelity?

 

Thanks for reading this long post, but its time to dismount my soapbox.

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I'm so, so sorry for what your wife has put you through. She is lucky you took her back. Many men just cannot get over infidelity. I wish you well. Come here and write anytime you choose.

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Wow sorry bro.

I would get a DNA kit today.

What a horrible situation.

 

 

No need for the kit. They are not mine biologically. Pain is unbearable, but the twins are innocent. They need a person to give them a chance in life. This is my motivation and hopefully my defining moment in life.

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No need for the kit. They are not mine biologically. Pain is unbearable, but the twins are innocent. They need a person to give them a chance in life. This is my motivation and hopefully my defining moment in life.

 

Your wife also mislead you at that time to believe the pregnancy was yours?

 

And now you understand the twins aren't yours?

 

She's lied, cheated and stolen your peace of mind for years yet you plan to stay and overlook all of that?

 

Is she worth forfeiting that much self esteem by staying?

 

Is she even remorseful? What has she been doing to try and earn your trust back, anything - everything?

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No need for the kit. They are not mine biologically. Pain is unbearable, but the twins are innocent. They need a person to give them a chance in life. This is my motivation and hopefully my defining moment in life.

 

My goodness your wife is a real piece of work. If the pain is so unbearable have you ever thought about divorcing her? There are alot of good women who would cherish you. Why stay?

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No need for the kit. They are not mine biologically. Pain is unbearable, but the twins are innocent. They need a person to give them a chance in life. This is my motivation and hopefully my defining moment in life.

 

Personally, I can understand why you feel that way about the children. In your case, given the long duration and the extent of the deception...I'd honestly recommend divorcing her, but treating the kids as your own. Shared custody, child support, etc...

 

But remove her from your life.

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compulsivedancer
Personally, I can understand why you feel that way about the children. In your case, given the long duration and the extent of the deception...I'd honestly recommend divorcing her, but treating the kids as your own. Shared custody, child support, etc...

 

But remove her from your life.

 

Make sure you get a lawyer's advice on this. If you feel these are your sons (even if they aren't biologically), make sure you are protected as their father. It would be so much worse to divorce her and lose the right to ever see them again.

 

Thank you for finally sharing your story.

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Make sure you get a lawyer's advice on this. If you feel these are your sons (even if they aren't biologically), make sure you are protected as their father. It would be so much worse to divorce her and lose the right to ever see them again.

 

Thank you for finally sharing your story.

 

Totally agreed. I meant to imply that as part of the divorce process, but kudos for making sure it got spelled out.

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I cant imagine what you are going through. I don't think I could stay and there would be no way in the world I would raise someone else's kids.

 

I understand there are much better men out there than me but I would not be able to deal with him coming around and wanting to see his kids. I would not sign any bills or anything at this point.

 

I would contact an attorney and look for the quickest divorce possible.

 

If you stay with her then you better get used to the OM being a part of your life from now on.

 

Clay

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I'm interested in why you're trying to reconcile after all she's done to betray you...?

 

Please give a long list of why this is in your best interest...

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WW says late July. I believe the affair ended in August of 2011. WW says January 2011.

 

...March of 2011 WW is pregnant.

 

I don't understand this part. Did she have a child from this pregnancy? If so you are going to DNA test, right?

 

Your story is painful to read and is so much like most of the stories us BH's have. You are going through the worst pain, the worst time of your life. Stay with the counseling for your own sake whether you stay with her or not.

 

Please don't think you have to stay in this marriage because of the kids. You can be a great father without living with their mother. You will never forget what she has done, so you need to try to figure out if you can ever accept what she did and go on with your life without feeling contempt for her and anger at yourself for not divorcing her when it all began.

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tornapart2002

The boys are not yours but you want to be their father... That is great and you are a real man and father.

I am sorry for what this woman has done to you.

I could never stay. It makes me angry for you.

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No need for the kit. They are not mine biologically. Pain is unbearable, but the twins are innocent. They need a person to give them a chance in life. This is my motivation and hopefully my defining moment in life.

 

 

I'm sure that your wife appreciates what you are doing but at the same time there is no chance that she will ever respect you as a man. In her eyes you have lost the edge.

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I will not divorce. Personal reasons is all I will say. If I read this post I would agree with all of you that divorce is the only way. I have not been a perfect husband. Our marriage was not perfect. I did not deserve this. Nothing on this earth or in heaven will justify what she did. My MC looks at me in disbelief until she figured out who I am, what I stand for. WW made many bad choices, no argument from me, but she is a human being. Every wayward spouse is a human being. From my previous posts I have shown anger towards wayward spouses. But in the end they are human. I am human. Each and every person on this forum handled their relationships as they see fit, I will do what I need to do. Part of that is posting my story in the hopes that my pain is alleviated. At this time I feel it's important to be around people who know what infidelity is. How it destroys. This is my way to vent. I appreciate all responses and will try to answer all questions. How timely I answer, well two and a half year old twins take a lot of your time.

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Wait...wait.... you know that the twins are not yours biologically? So, is the OM the biological father? Or did you adopt or go to a sperm bank? what's the deal?

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I'm so, so sorry for what your wife has put you through. She is lucky you took her back. Many men just cannot get over infidelity. I wish you well. Come here and write anytime you choose.

 

Thank you for this. I think I may be posting quite a bit. The response and questions asked will be difficult but I have hope it makes me a better person.

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No need for the kit. They are not mine biologically. Pain is unbearable, but the twins are innocent. They need a person to give them a chance in life. This is my motivation and hopefully my defining moment in life.

 

 

 

To my mind they're your kids if you bring them up - anybody can get a woman pregnant but to bring up two good boys takes real work. The man that brings them up is more the father than the one that slipped her the seed.

 

 

I'm fortunate, I know my girls aren't biologically mine but there was no deception involved, and now I truly think of them as my own, and they of me as their father.

 

 

I advised a friend who had doubts on parentage of his kids and wanted a DNA test to think through what he would do when he knew the result, whatever the outcome. If they weren't biologically his, would he turn his back on the children that looked upon him as their father? He didn't have the test in the end.

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Your wife also mislead you at that time to believe the pregnancy was yours? Yes

 

And now you understand the twins aren't yours? Yes

 

She's lied, cheated and stolen your peace of mind for years yet you plan to stay and overlook all of that? Yes,

peace of mind, no

Overlook, not humanly possible

Is she worth forfeiting that much self esteem by staying? Self esteem can't be stripped away and rebuilt. Rebuilding that now.

 

Is she even remorseful? What has she been doing to try and earn your trust back, anything - everything?

Trust- this will take very heavy lifting on her part. I will better answer this later as I am pressed for time at the moment.

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Yeah, the stats aren't good for men that discover that the kids aren't biologically theirs especially of they're young. It makes it difficult to bond with the kids and it's a constant reminder of the betrayal that was done to them. And that's not fair to the kids.

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Keep venting, i know that is what you came to do.

 

You deserve a lot of respect for taking care of the kids... I am assuming the post-nup is taking care of all the legal stuff as you said "one chance" SO i think you have your bases covered to back your reasons for staying with her and taking care of her kids.

 

I sit here and try to imagine the pain like that especially not being able to have your own kids.... I ... have nothing to offer but a hug of support and wish you the best.

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I'm 48 WW is 43. Twin boys are two and a half. Married 19 years, together 25 years. She was my first I am not her first.

.

WW had a miscarriage in 2008 and I was devastated. I concentrated on her healing and didn't communicate to her my feelings. From this point I did everything for WW. I became a better husband. We continued to try to have a child. No success. My worst fear would come true, I would never hear a child call me dad.

 

Fast forward to 2010. We had started our own business with friends. I was busy working full time (different company) and part time for our company. I notice she is spending time with OM at work. On our way home either she or he would call. They would talk another half hour. She would tell me of their conversations. In hindsight I was so stupid for not seeing this! I believe the EA started in march of 2010. WW says late July. I believe the affair ended in August of 2011. WW says January 2011.

 

Then came a phone call to work. A phone call came in saying someone from her department was having sex in a forest preserve. Call was really saying her and her OM. WW spoke to OM then two days later informed me. They got their story straight. I didn't believe her and investigated but found no signs of an affair. I told her to back off from OM she did. They would have lunch together about two times a week, sometimes more. Also seen driving together quite often.

 

Two weeks later after the call I observe them driving together. Confront on the way home and she says they are just friends. I no longer see them together. In October they have sex for the first time. They also made out and groped each other two to three times a week since early September. This continues through January 2011. They had sex in the middle of January for the second and last time. Making out also stops.

 

March of 2011 WW is pregnant. We had been trying to conceive for fifteen years. According to WW affair ended in January 2011. I believe now the affair lasted 18-24 months but WW says it was six months. I have no actual proof of either.

 

I remember we fought after New Years regarding being intimate to conceive a child. I admit I had given up trying for a child. I couldn't take the emotional roller coaster anymore after fifteen years. I guess it's fair to say I gave up after the miscarriage. I wanted to be intimate romantically not just when all the planets lined up and the temperature perfect. If it happened I couldn't be happier but I was done trying. Anyway we fought all of January. For valentines day I bought her lingerie. In 2011 this was our first time being intimate. WW conceived in January of 2011. Doctor did tell me the conceived date could be off two weeks. I told this to WW during the pregnancy and she could only say she doesn't remember every time we were intimate.

 

Fast forward to April 2013 our anniversary. We stay at a hotel and return from shopping. As I park I notice two people having sex in a car two spots away. My gut screamed affair. I couldn't control my emotions. I waited three days then asked my WW if she was having an affair. WW waited about five seconds then replied you have nothing to worry about. My heart stopped, was ripped from my chest and thrown on the floor. I knew, she had cheated and I died on the inside.

 

I was suicidal for the next thirteen months. In August I asked WW to find a marriage counselor. We started in September of 2013. We went every week. January 20th 2014 was my d-day. I got her to confess. WW lied to the MC from September 2013 to January 2014. I was again devastated on d-day. Highly suicidal but hid it from everyone. June 3rd 2014 my MC figured everything out. I was relieved I finally had nothing to hide about wanting to die. I am recovering and in reconciliation with my WW. WW has one chance. As for me this will not be my defining moment in life. It will be how I raise two beautiful young boys to be respectable men.

 

I came here as writing this is cathartic for me. I still have rage and that has come through on some posts of mine. I apologize to those I offended. Probably not the person you want advice from so I tell parts of my story in posts for the OP to see a different side or maybe a better understanding. I'm not qualified to really give advice but sometimes I'll throw in my two cents.

 

I exposed the affair to OM's wife and got him to quit his job. Have not gone any further on exposure. I am currently seeking a post-nup that will be heavily in my favor. Even though I never thought I would become cold and calculating towards my wife, she left me no choice. I hate infidelity, WW changed, I changed, marriage changed, our lives changed. Why? Why choose infidelity?

 

Thanks for reading this long post, but its time to dismount my soapbox.

 

Wow sorry bro.

I would get a DNA kit today.

What a horrible situation.

 

 

 

In this case a DNA test is mandatory. WW's always lie about the length of the affair. With your WW getting pregnant. With your WW insisting that you try to get her pregnant.

 

 

SCREAMS your WW trying to cover up that you may not be the bio dad.

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In this case a DNA test is mandatory. WW's always lie about the length of the affair. With your WW getting pregnant. With your WW insisting that you try to get her pregnant.

 

 

SCREAMS your WW trying to cover up that you may not be the bio dad.

 

He's already stated he is NOT the bio father.

 

 

Since you stated that you will never get divorced - what is it you plan to do to improve your marriage?

 

What is your W willing to do to repair this awful damage she's done?

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OP,

 

I feel for you. I would never tolerate infidelity. I apologize, but find your decision to remain in the marriage tragic, not heroic. These children, not yours, you wanting to remain their father, admirable, but your idealistic explanation is peculiar to me. Your "we're all human and make mistakes" explanation is both appreciated and dangerous for those who have a difficult time getting out of relationships that are not healthy. Your wife's affair was not A mistake...deliberate, premeditated and orchestrated to last a duration of one destructive act after another. Good luck.

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