How do you deal with not being able to be there for your girlfriend/boyfriend?

[Seven18]

Hello everyone.

 

As you might have figured, I'm in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend, and I honestly need advice.

We met on the internet.

My girlfriend feels like she is the ugliest person on earth.

She says she's often made fun of by people, wether they are co-workers, family members or people she doesn't even know.

Her family is also incredibly heartless to her, not giving her support at all, and depriving her of any freedom.

She occasionally (rather, very often) gets into a depressive state of mind, where she also tends to easily get angry at me (though as of recently, she did well not to do that, since she doesn't want to hurt me), and where she just feels like giving up.

It also happens sometimes, that she doesn't go to work because of that.

There are also many things, may it be nature or illness, that deprive her of her 'femininity', or so she says.

I don't want to say what it is, since it's the internet, and I really don't want to make too much known about my girlfriend.

But anyway, I think she's the most beautiful person ever.

I ask her for pictures of herself at any given time, and tell her always seriously how I think of her.

I also asked her if it is all right I record our video chats, and since she said yes, I also do so every time.

I get in a trance-like state watching her, just feeling happy and comfortable, without worrying about anything.

She said, during the time we met, and when we were alone, she could relax.

But the thing is, when I'm not there, she faces hardships every day.

I want her to lead a happy life, being happy to be alive, and live in comfort without worrying about anything.

But we can't meet often.

I'm so frustrated as in what I could do for her.

I would love to be there for her all the time.

How can you deal with a situation like that, I wonder?

It is hard on me as well, to know that the person I love has so many problems everyday, feels so troubled everyday, and yet I can't do anything for her.

I wouldn't expect that someone has a solution for this, but perhaps some useful advice.

[d0nnivain]

You can't fix her problems. She has serious self esteem issues & is probably clinically depressed. She needs professional mental help.

 

You being there would not change any of things she's experiencing.

 

Encourage her to address her situation but that's about all you can do.

[blynnae05]

She is obviously suffering from depression due to people putting her down which really messes with her self-esteem and it also sounds like shes stuck in this black hole where shes constantly surrounded by negativity so that can make her feel crazy and get ffusterated easily. Dont take it personal when she easily gets angry with you. Most likely its not about you and Im sure she does.net mean to do it. Just be patient with her. Unfortunately, you cant fix her problems. Sure you can be there for her and support ber and try and lift her self esteem by telling her how beautiful she is or the accomplishments she makes. You make her feel comfortable and sounds like youre her security. So what you say and do effects her. Just do your best to keep her happy. As far as her issues, she needs to take these issues to a professional psychologist. Thats all she can do. And all you can do is try and make her happy

[Aedra]

I felt a bit depressed reading this. I relate to your girlfriend soooo much. I can say that its awesome you really want to be there for her when she feels this way. But once you are called fat and ugly enough as a kid, especially by parents or relatives, it pretty much sticks with you permanently... All the compliments in the world, even from a loving partner, never truly get rid of it.

 

The #1 thing you can do in my opinion is to visit her in person when you can and try and organize some professional help. Random compliments aren't enough, she needs to rework her brain. You being there and trying to get her proper support would mean a great deal and make an impact. She also needs to get far away from people that keep putting her down, or at least spend alot less time with them. Until the day comes when she says "**** it, I'm not letting other people's words affect who I am" there's not much else that will *really* build her self worth, she can't rely on another person to feel better constantly.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Aedra

[justwhoiam]

I doubt there's even one single woman on earth who is happy with her appearance all the time. We're all unsatisfied with it occasionally.

 

But if a woman is constantly depressed with herself because of what she looks like, she needs to do something about it. The first thing she should do would be addressing single things that make her unhappy. Like: she has moustaches, she can have them permanently removed. And one thing out of the way, and so forth. There will be things she needs to accept about herself. If they need surgery to be corrected, it's better that she welcomes her peculiarities. We don't need to be perfect. At times, defects make you beautiful, surely special and, quite often, even unique.

 

To address those issues, I think another woman's support would be better. A man wouldn't fit the role. I mean, it's like talking about children's issues with someone who never had children: they might understand, but they never experienced anything, so they can only talk by theories, for what they're worth.

 

So, does she have a close female friend? If she doesn't, that's part of her issues. For a woman, not having any female to relate to in one's life is sad, in any stage of one's life.

 

Quick recap:

- female friend

- positive support

- addressing small things, one at a time

- getting better <> looking better

- only then, psychologist if needed (for her self-esteem, to accept her imperfections, after correcting a few things about herself that can lift up her spirit, e.g. change in her diet, losing weight, some exercise, beauty sessions, hairdos, etc.)