Origami Chopsticks Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Hey everyone, I'm new here, but I really needed, and still do need, a place to talk to others about some relationship issues. Recently my boyfriend (I think I can still call him that) and I have been having issues and we've been talking the last couple of days about them while he's traveling for work. I felt offended by the suggested intimacy between him and a friend. He explained it, and maybe this is just his skills with words, in a way that I could determine that I at least needed to give this person and their interactions together another chance before determining that I want no part in it. I proceeded to open up about past experiences that helped feed into my issues and insecurities. I never really talked about exes, he does pretty often, but I did tonight to try and help him understand me, what things he does appear like for me based on experiences. He looked like he was maybe interested in her (though he never seemed to flirt back) or at least was willing to let her enjoy flirting and suggestive comments to her hearts content. He at least enjoyed the flattery of her attention and I felt for me that this made me secondary whenever this person came to visit (about every year), and the conversation was prompted by her plans to visit in a month. But we concluded that, I determined what was right for me to continue this relationship in a way that we didn't have to feel bad or on edge. But I also needed him to take more care to make me the one he's with and present those appearances when she's around, and not let it come off like they're more than we are unless that was intent, in which case he needed to let me go. I need a level of respect, and if not from her, definitely from him. I felt some serious headway was made for me, this being the only thing we've really fought on in our entire relationship. Actually feeling safe to open up as I did, I finally felt safe to vocalize what I've felt nearly from the start of being together. After wishing each other a goodnight I said those three words to lead to the end of our conversation. I heard nothing, and suddenly the call was gone. I panicked! I rushed through thoughts on whether the call was cut off, whether he actually heard me and I called back just to confirm and understand, still better than leaving me with no response at all. I've been holding these words back because I know, whatever he says, he's still scared of a horrible experience he had potentially happening again. One of his exes left him while he was out on work. He literally came home to her completely packed and gone. He actually talked to me today about how he worried that he might come home to me gone, or that I'd setup another bed for us to sleep separately, because our talks have been getting serious. I just think it's getting to be unfair to hold so much fear in that past experience, as horrible as it was, and to keep me so far. We're exceeding the length of his longest relationship (I don't know if it's the same one) before me and I think its time for him to realize that I'm more than another relationship to grow from, but maybe we could just grow in it instead. I feel like this "love you" matter has room for him to just reflect and determine for himself, some people just don't want to say it immediately without being sure. But after three years, at least 2.5 of solid dating (he did hesitate and thought about keeping it more casual towards the start) that if he can't acknowledge me and find those feelings soon, that he's actually done the very thing he said he was avoiding those 2.5 years ago; continuing a relationship unfairly expecting feelings that may not be there, may foresee-ably never come, to come later. I thought it was mean and unfair after a few months, but if he pulled the same thinking now, while heart broken, I'd have to decide to cut things off or to be content with this halfway "together, deeply caring for one another, but not mutually in love" relationship. I know people will probably say I'm stupid for even waiting this long to say it myself, and to give thought to a guy who hasn't formed the sureness to say it himself after so much time. But I really hadn't needed to hear it based on how we interacted. He's been there and cared for me in a way I can't even say members of my family have ever been. But I don't even know how to follow up with him and how we should be when he gets home now. Then we have vacation plans, and while it'll be good to get out of the house that we share with less than pleasant people and get away from work, I don't know if I just ruined our trip and the comfort between us. I let him initiate all other affection and terms of endearment, feeling that I came to these feelings sooner than he did and I accepted that a while ago. But I don't know what to do with this. Somewhere deep down I determined the words weren't important, but when I did decide to give us that bit more through verbalizing, that it would be because of the love I felt in return and in a way a security that the words would also be returned. I was not thinking I'd be left, confirmed with all this love and emotion not reciprocated at least enough to put to words (someone could love someone more, but if one person can say it and the other can't long after the other has, then it's not a mutual relationship, is it?) A man that had a quiver to his voice, fearing that I may have been planning on taking off or that I would even setup a separate place to sleep, hasn't determined that whatever he feels is worth the words. I don't want to overlook those emotions and his actions over words, but can it be argued that once that much is put in that the words should take less to say? Could there really be that much in that past relationship (or even another) that even all this time he's going to be guarded and more time is reasonable? I can't say I'd give up everything with him. He's too wonderful in every other way and he's been with me through some of the worst things, including a lot of loss. But I would have to muster up the ability to be content with whatever is between us.
jbelle6 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 I wouldn't stick around. If he doesn't know if he loves you after 3 years then he doesn't. That's plenty of time to figure it out. I don't believe in true opposite sex friends, one or both always want to sleep with each other. If she is flirting with him right in front of you and he doesn't stop it, heck, if it's not in front of you and he doesn't stop it, then I'd be gone. If she is worth more than you let them have each other. I can't even imagine a guy flirting with me like that in front of my partner then me brushing it off as just friends. How disrespectful. People like to think they are special and unique and that they are entitled to act a certain way because of things that happened in the past. Well, no we aren't entitled to that because then we carry the hurt on to others. He's been with you for three years, he needs to get over it. 1
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