throwitaway Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 My previous story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/473297-can-t-believe-happening-26m-23f-s-over Most of that is the summary of it, and nothing has changed since she sent me the "Hey there, How r ya" Text on June 4th. I chose not to respond because I felt like if she really did want to talk to me she would have made a more concerted effort. I've been off facebook for a while and she was just at EDC, probably raving her face off, and posted a few pictures of herself in a bikini/swimsuit. This used to be a girl who would never do something like that, but I don't know who she is anymore. It's officially been 2 months NC. I've been struggling to move on, because I've been looking for hope in the wrong places. 4 days before she contacted me she removed the OKC app from her phone (don't ask me how I know) and hasn't logged in since June 18th, but she's been traveling since then. I've been watching when she signs on and it's usually right before she goes off to sleep. Yes, this is unhealthy. I'm aware. Here's the question - should I have defriended her? If so, should I try sending a text message to reopen the lines of communication...? She sent me a text, ostensibly trying to give it a shot... and maybe she's getting tired of the dating scene (as per the above) but to be honest, I don't know anything. She went from Vegas to Hawaii for the next week and is looking like she's having the time of her life. I'm not in that life anymore, and I don't even know if she thinks about me the way I think about her. Can someone please help me clear my head about what I should do? 2
lauri Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 My previous story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/473297-can-t-believe-happening-26m-23f-s-over Most of that is the summary of it, and nothing has changed since she sent me the "Hey there, How r ya" Text on June 4th. I chose not to respond because I felt like if she really did want to talk to me she would have made a more concerted effort. I've been off facebook for a while and she was just at EDC, probably raving her face off, and posted a few pictures of herself in a bikini/swimsuit. This used to be a girl who would never do something like that, but I don't know who she is anymore. It's officially been 2 months NC. I've been struggling to move on, because I've been looking for hope in the wrong places. 4 days before she contacted me she removed the OKC app from her phone (don't ask me how I know) and hasn't logged in since June 18th, but she's been traveling since then. I've been watching when she signs on and it's usually right before she goes off to sleep. Yes, this is unhealthy. I'm aware. Here's the question - should I have defriended her? If so, should I try sending a text message to reopen the lines of communication...? She sent me a text, ostensibly trying to give it a shot... and maybe she's getting tired of the dating scene (as per the above) but to be honest, I don't know anything. She went from Vegas to Hawaii for the next week and is looking like she's having the time of her life. I'm not in that life anymore, and I don't even know if she thinks about me the way I think about her. Can someone please help me clear my head about what I should do? The truth is here you aren't in NC. Looking at photos and seeing what she is up to isn't helping you at all. You need to remove her and block her from Facebook because of the following: 1) It protects you 2) She can't use it as a tool to get you jealous and send you stupid breadcrumbs 3) It helps you move on. If you're worried this will ruin your chances of ever getting back together with her, you are wrong. No one is going to want to be with someone who is still hurting / not confident in themselves. You need to pick yourself back up and move forward - blocking and deleting off of Facebook is the first step to doing so. Also, her facebook photos appear that she is having the "time of her life". Do not read too much into them because it means nothing...it is just a front. 4
movingonnow1 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 The truth is here you aren't in NC. Looking at photos and seeing what she is up to isn't helping you at all. You need to remove her and block her from Facebook because of the following: 1) It protects you 2) She can't use it as a tool to get you jealous and send you stupid breadcrumbs 3) It helps you move on. If you're worried this will ruin your chances of ever getting back together with her, you are wrong. No one is going to want to be with someone who is still hurting / not confident in themselves. You need to pick yourself back up and move forward - blocking and deleting off of Facebook is the first step to doing so. Also, her facebook photos appear that she is having the "time of her life". Do not read too much into them because it means nothing...it is just a front. I agree with this. Did you end up deleting her? 2
Chi townD Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 No, do not defriend her on Facebook. Not at all. BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK!!! If you defriend her, you can still look on her page and still get some insight on her life and she can get the same from you! You are NOT in NC. Dude, you need to get there. SHE should be the one discovering that YOU'VE went to Vegas and Hawaii! Not the other way around! You need to start making positive changes in your life. 5
Simon Phoenix Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 At minimum you have to block her news feed, but like Chitown said, you have to block her entirely. I mean, you haven't even taken step 1 in No Contact. 1
Elle1975 Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 My previous story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/473297-can-t-believe-happening-26m-23f-s-over Most of that is the summary of it, and nothing has changed since she sent me the "Hey there, How r ya" Text on June 4th. I chose not to respond because I felt like if she really did want to talk to me she would have made a more concerted effort. I've been off facebook for a while and she was just at EDC, probably raving her face off, and posted a few pictures of herself in a bikini/swimsuit. This used to be a girl who would never do something like that, but I don't know who she is anymore. It's officially been 2 months NC. I've been struggling to move on, because I've been looking for hope in the wrong places. 4 days before she contacted me she removed the OKC app from her phone (don't ask me how I know) and hasn't logged in since June 18th, but she's been traveling since then. I've been watching when she signs on and it's usually right before she goes off to sleep. Yes, this is unhealthy. I'm aware. Here's the question - should I have defriended her? If so, should I try sending a text message to reopen the lines of communication...? She sent me a text, ostensibly trying to give it a shot... and maybe she's getting tired of the dating scene (as per the above) but to be honest, I don't know anything. She went from Vegas to Hawaii for the next week and is looking like she's having the time of her life. I'm not in that life anymore, and I don't even know if she thinks about me the way I think about her. Can someone please help me clear my head about what I should do? Ostensibly trying to give it a shot by sending you " "Hey there, How r ya"? Is it the text you're referring to? That's just a break crumb, don't read into it. So, yes.. remove and block. If she wants to give it another shot, she's gonna have to do a hell of a lot better than sending you a quick message out of boredom or nostalgia. 2
Ewelorka Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 My previous story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/473297-can-t-believe-happening-26m-23f-s-over Most of that is the summary of it, and nothing has changed since she sent me the "Hey there, How r ya" Text on June 4th. I chose not to respond because I felt like if she really did want to talk to me she would have made a more concerted effort. I've been off facebook for a while and she was just at EDC, probably raving her face off, and posted a few pictures of herself in a bikini/swimsuit. This used to be a girl who would never do something like that, but I don't know who she is anymore. It's officially been 2 months NC. I've been struggling to move on, because I've been looking for hope in the wrong places. 4 days before she contacted me she removed the OKC app from her phone (don't ask me how I know) and hasn't logged in since June 18th, but she's been traveling since then. I've been watching when she signs on and it's usually right before she goes off to sleep. Yes, this is unhealthy. I'm aware. Here's the question - should I have defriended her? If so, should I try sending a text message to reopen the lines of communication...? She sent me a text, ostensibly trying to give it a shot... and maybe she's getting tired of the dating scene (as per the above) but to be honest, I don't know anything. She went from Vegas to Hawaii for the next week and is looking like she's having the time of her life. I'm not in that life anymore, and I don't even know if she thinks about me the way I think about her. Can someone please help me clear my head about what I should do? Pardon me, Dear, but it is essential here who broke up and why (?) Please vent. ;-)
Author throwitaway Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 wow. I have to say, the responses here have really made me wonder if I've made any progress at all in healing, and the honest truth is I really don't think I have. I defriended her a while back but I think blocking is too much. I'm friends with all her friends and family and they know that I'm back on facebook. In fact, her friend just approved me to a facebook group that I joined to try and liven up my social life. The basic story is that she started going out a lot, like every day with her roommates. I went on vacation for a week and came back and she blurted out that she didn't even really "miss me" when I was gone. We had some back and forth after I told her I had a great time at a bachelor party and I did adderall to try it for the first time, and she told me she wanted to do cocaine. I basically straight up said, no way dude.. that's on a different level, and she escalated it to "maybe I want to date other people". That was the fourth time that she had said something like that, and I had enough. So i told her that's it, and walked out. The next day she called and basically begged to just make it a break. After a month of back and forth, she had actually gone on a date and we met up. She wanted to put certain "conditions" in place for us to get back together, such as not seeing each other enough, giving each other space, slowing down... I was fine with everything but I asked do you actually want to see other people for sure, yes or no. She said she didn't know. That's when we actually broke up. I saw that very soon after the actual breakup, she was going on OKC and even Tinder to try and hit up guys... and she started going out on dates pretty much immediately. We had plans to go to coachella together the next month and met up a couple times, and we always parted with "I love you" and making out.. and then we met up at Coachella. She was coming down from Molly (and mentioned she had been doing other drugs too) and irritated and was being very cold and standoffish.. She said things like "I'm not in a place to be in a committed relationship right now", "I don't know what I want", but she said she still loved me, etc.. We had a followup conversation to that and she apologized for acting the way she did, she said she wasnt like herself. I told her that we need to not speak with each other for a while and went completely dark and offline for 2 months. I just reactivated FB because I'm sick of not having any social activity in my life myself. I spoke with her brother in law a few weeks ago and he said that she has basically completely turned herself into a girl like her friends. Last Sunday, apparently she blew off fathers day dinner because she was too lazy to take the ferry to go see them. Sorry this turned into such a long post.. 2
Author throwitaway Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 I should also mention that she has always been somewhat flirtatious. When we first got together, she would enjoy getting drinks bought for her from guys and giving them her number.. and when I told her that it made me uncomfortable, she wasn't happy about it. The last day I saw her before the conversation, I had been gone for a week and she told me to meet her at a bar. I went to the bar and was hanging out with her and her friends.. and some guy walked up to her and whispered something in her ear. she laughed after he said it but didnt seem uncomfortable with how close he was. I had enough. I felt humiliated and felt completely taken for granted. I took this girl halfway around the world, through the jungles of the amazon, I supported her financially when she was transitioning through leases, i treated her family like my own -- her BROTHER inlaw even told me, I deserved better than to be treated the way she's treating me.. Love is a ****ed up thing. She didn't use to be this way... I don't know what happened to her. She would read science fiction books with me, play video games with me, 3.5 from a top ranked university grad.. It makes me sad but I feel like there was never anything I could have done to prevent it from happening. 2
Ewelorka Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 (edited) It makes me sad but I feel like there was never anything I could have done to prevent it from happening. You are right. You had nothing to do with it. It is a case of a wrong timing and different values at your current lives. Don't worry the pain will pass. :-) Please in a meantime, do yourself a huge favor and like the guys above suggested, do block her on facebook, so you or her won't be able to see each other at all, & cut off the contact completely, also try not to appear anywhere where she is appearing at least in the beginning. Also delete all irrelevant friends ( like her best friend who isn't really someone you know well) or at least hide feed updates of your common friends on facebook. Find someone to lean on, a friend who can support you in it, be close to your friends, but try not to make them tired with you venting too much and being a party pooper. VENT HERE, here will be always someone to help you, and the forum is filled with loving wise older people with a wise advice to offer. Please, take advice only from people smarter than you and giving you a spark of hope. Your inexperienced young friends who has never gone through this might not be the most suitable advisors, unfortunately. Stay focused on what you want in life and what kind of person you want to be and you want to be with. Let it be your long term goal. You are young tho, so go ahead and don't waste your time on crying and being sad forever. Life is beautiful. Go out, read, have fun. Enjoy each moment and be bold. Don't be afraid to love, but love the right person. Be thankful and happy now, because none of us knows how much time we got. Warm greetings! Edited June 25, 2014 by Ewelorka
hogwild Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 Timing. It's a killer. She's not a bad person. She's actually pretty darn great in that she's being honest. She's young and not ready to be tied down with the ropes of love. She wants to be tied down while getting sha-boinked in her pleasure palace. Sorry for being so cartoonishly graphic. Yeah, it sucks. But in life, timing is soooo important. And sometimes there ain't a damn thing you can do about it. The key is, choose more wisely in the future. Go for a girl who is READY for something serious. Or a girl who ISN'T trying trade her front teeth to get high on crystal Kool-Aid or whatever you wacky kids are smoking these days. Proudly let her go... like a fart after a bean burrito. Be not ashamed! Blast from your butt, I AM LETTING YOU GO BECAUSE YOU STINK! But our time together was magic beans. And I'll never forget the times we rolled around in guacamole. Dang it, I gotta stop writing while hungry. Even if she wasn't going through some drama in the family she would be tempted to live and discover life on her own. You can't protect her from making the mistakes, but you can protect yourself from making the mistake. You can help her grow to be an adult, by letting her experience everything on her own without your shoulder to cry on. You wrote: " She's said she isn't trying to find anyone right now, but still thinks she wants to "explore"... and "wishes she had met me later in life." I still love her with everything I have, and I know she feels the same, but she has said she's not in a place to make a commitment to a relationship right now." She DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME. She's not in a GIVING loving state of mind. She's in a selfish state of mind. AND THAT'S OK! Most everyone has that stage of life. For some people, that stage of life never ends. She is wise pushing you away, knowing her wild nature, and her wild plans. She is protecting you from deeper hurt by pushing you away now. Imagine if you insisted and one day found out she has been secretly having SEX with SEXY people in SECRET, while wearing Victoria's Secret, making it all the more SEXY! BE GRATEFUL THAT SHE IS HONEST. AND LET HER GO. It will be as hard for you, but eventually it will be the best solution for the both of you. She will forever live in your memory like a tramp stamp tattoo lives on the lower back of club-going women of the early 2000's. And you should be thankful for meeting her and the experiences you two had. Like that one involving peanut butter, a bikini, and a blindfold. But there is an end to everything. So you have to take steps ahead without looking back. You don't need to erase her from your memory, but from your current life, so you can start in a healthy way to build your life that will make you happy. LIVE YOUR LIFE THE BEST YOU CAN, take care of yourself, get busy, make new friends, work, study, exercise, date... HAVE HOPE! EVERYTHING WILL BE GREAT and BETTER once you allow yourself to be happy without her! REMEMBER to have FUN! And make sure the person you choose next is someone compatible with your values, not just your taste for peanut butter on nipples. There is someone great out there for you! But for now, enjoy being single, work on yourself & grow your confidence! I've got a few videos that might help you to cheer up and move on! "Should you get your ex back or move on?" "Should I start dating even if I'm not sure I'm over my ex"? "How to Choose the Right Person for a Relationship" 3
Author throwitaway Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Hogwild, you are definitely right about her being selfish. She actually bailed on father's day dinner with her dad and her brother-in-law (who had this year become a father). I had spoken with her brother in law around then for some stupid reason and he expressed to me how hurt he was around that time. I don't really think she cares; She's just chasing things that make her feel good temporarily. She went to EDC to do a bunch of drugs and party and then hawaii to escape, this is probably going to take a while before she crashes. I should also mention that I posted pictures from my own trip to Scandinavia which I went to for 9 days or so as well, which was an incredible experience. A couple of things have happened. She came back, and now she has a new job, publicly she's still connected to me on Linkedin so that's how I saw. But as of a week ago, I've started talking to a new girl and have actually been on a number of dates.. This new girl that I'm talking to is older (29) and is into me, last night we spoke on the phone for two hours. I feel like she's on my level. So get this. After I get off the phone, I go to take a shower and come back to see that my ex has liked my profile on OKC. I think I liked her a while back when I was just swiping through profiles, so it ended up matching. It's just so incredibly juvenile... she's obviously lonely (it happened around midnight) but that's her problem for letting go of the best thing that ever happened to her. Honestly, who cares? I'm actually starting to just feel indifferent about her and I feel great talking to this new girl, who has a lot more experience and knows how to handle herself around a man. It's been 4 months since she said "I want a break" and 2 months since NC.. and I feel so much different.
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