Can't believe this is happening. [26M] with [23F] and it's over.

[throwitaway]

We met each other a year and a half ago, and I was the first boyfriend she had ever had. Not to mention, she had never dated before and had just graduated college, and was living by herself for the first time. I pursued her for a few months and finally she agreed to be with me. The next year and a half was full of passion, love, adventure, and happiness.

...But not all was well. A few times over the course of the relationship, she doubted herself, saying to me "Maybe I want to date other people". obviously, huge red flags, but I passed them off as insecurity and took a few days intermittent breaks for her to resolve them. Additionally, (and this is huge) her brother committed suicide a few months before we got together. She moved to the city to basically start a new life, and found me.

Fastforward a year and a half later. She's now partying constantly and going out with her friends who are all around her age and don't have much else to do or live for - and who are all single. The relationship was rocky and we were getting increasingly codependent when I suggested we break up. She made it a break, and we spent a heartwrenching month of back and forth before she decided to make it official.

Her reasoning was that she "needed time to be independent and discover herself" and that "eventually, she wanted to date other people". At the same time... she still loves me, and misses me, and thinks about me every day. She has acknowledged that it isn't fair for me to wait for her, or spend time with her in the interim, and that she understands that by doing this, I can't hang around and need to move on.

I know it's none of my business, but she's now engaging in self-destructive behavior, numbing the pain through partying and drugs. She's said she isn't trying to find anyone right now, but still thinks she wants to "explore"... and "wishes she had met me later in life". I still love her with everything I have, and I know she feels the same, but she has said she's not in a place to make a commitment to a relationship right now.

 

Do I engage with her and try and work through the issues with her, or simply leave her be, even though we both feel like we wish we could be together?

Edit: We met each other yesterday, and she was insistent on continuing the breakup and that "we can't go back to the relationship we had". We were still intimate - not sexually, but otherwise - and she expressed that she does want to be with me in the future. She is still extremely confused about what it is she actually wants.

 

tl;dr: Inexperienced girl falls in love, has emotional trauma from the past, issues burst forth and spill over into the relationship. Guy wants to be with her, but has no idea how to help.

[Frank2thepoint]

I recommend you leave her be. She is still young, inexperienced with dating other men, so she does need to discover what she wants. It is not healthy for either of you to continue when both of you are in pain with each other. Don't force it, just let go. I understand this will be hard right now because you have feelings for her, you have a connection, and you want to be there for her in hopes she will realize what she is losing, but the possibility of that is improbable. Let her live her life, however she chooses, however positive or negative. Take stock that you had a good year and a half, had passion, and most of all had an experience. Don't get embittered, just walk away, heal, and move forward with life.

[Cpt]

She can give you all these reasons but at the end of the day she just wants to screw around with other dudes and "salute" around. I don't blame her for the way she feels, and I definitely feel for you. She did the right thing by ending it with you.

 

There is most likely another guy in the picture.

 

My advice: go NC immediately and move on.

 

You deserve someone who will love you and cherish you.

[lolablue17]

She told you everything and she has been very polite. To "date other people" means to "**** other guys" (maybe not just the sex, maybe she desire new love and excitements as well).

 

All that "I still love you and miss you" crap is not total BS. But it's reliable like writing on ice.

 

Leave her and start full NC.

[throwitaway]

There is most likely another guy in the picture.

 

I agree with you about healing and moving on, though I know there isn't a guy in the picture now, invariably at some point there will be. She is definitely making a mistake.

 

I can't save her from herself or from making mistakes, and she has to make those to understand what she had. I just don't understand why she would reach out to me and want to meet up so badly if she's already made the decision to "move on". She says was sorry because she feels "it was hard for me to see her".

 

Pissed off and confused.

[lolablue17]

. I just don't understand why she would reach out to me and want to meet up so badly if she's already made the decision to "move on". She says was sorry because she feels "it was hard for me to see her".

 

Because you are not just her lover, you are also her good friend, maybe even a "father image" to her. She feels comfortable and safe around you. But she still desires to live as a single.

 

I understand her interest to keep you around her. But I dont see any benefit for you - only pain.

[throwitaway]

Update:

 

After the last conversation we had a month ago, I initiated NC. I have not made an effort to get in touch with her... yesterday was her birthday. It's been really hard and I'm still trying to dig myself out of this and make sense of everything, but i'm starting to realize that I'm not going to have any answers anytime soon. Our last conversation ended with me letting her know that continued contact is unhealthy, and that we need to not speak with each other for a while. I didn't specify the time interval.

 

In the time since, she's fired up a dating profile, and I know she's been out on dates with other guys. How she could do that so quickly after the breakup is hurtful, but she's a single girl and enjoys the attention from men. No mistaking that. Her OKC profile lists that she is looking for "passion" instead of "dedication" in a relationship.. this is not the girl that I was with for so long. I've read the GIGS thread over and over, but it's not really any consolation.

 

A diminishing part of me hopes some day that she will recognize what she's lost, and a growing part of me is starting to feel like there's something better for me out there.

[jbelle6]

Update:

 

After the last conversation we had a month ago, I initiated NC. I have not made an effort to get in touch with her... yesterday was her birthday. It's been really hard and I'm still trying to dig myself out of this and make sense of everything, but i'm starting to realize that I'm not going to have any answers anytime soon. Our last conversation ended with me letting her know that continued contact is unhealthy, and that we need to not speak with each other for a while. I didn't specify the time interval.

 

In the time since, she's fired up a dating profile, and I know she's been out on dates with other guys. How she could do that so quickly after the breakup is hurtful, but she's a single girl and enjoys the attention from men. No mistaking that. Her OKC profile lists that she is looking for "passion" instead of "dedication" in a relationship.. this is not the girl that I was with for so long. I've read the GIGS thread over and over, but it's not really any consolation.

 

A diminishing part of me hopes some day that she will recognize what she's lost, and a growing part of me is starting to feel like there's something better for me out there.

 

 

She's just being a normal 23 year old I think. I also agree with others that she may have met or had eyes on another guy, no one wants to believe that but it's often true.

 

You won't get answers, even if you talk to her, sometimes the dumper themselves don't really know why their feelings change or they don't want to hurt our feelings and tell us the truth.

 

She was able to walk away and date so easily/quickly because before us women leave, we think about it for a long time, it's not usually impulsive. She's checked out way before you did is all. No contact is great so your feelings can get to where hers are.

 

I'm sorry this happened, it is a terrible feeling.

[throwitaway]

She texted me earlier last week. It was pathetic, "hey there, how r ya". I am sure it's because she was simply just bored and lonely, otherwise it would have been a more conerted effort. The last time that her and I spoke was 6 weeks ago, and I told her that it wasnt healthy for us to keep talking and that we need to not speak with each other fo r a whiele. I am guessing that she let her loneliness get tthe better of her... or something.

 

Whatever it is, I didn't respond. I ended up meeting up with her brother in law for dinner on thursday, and he was telling me how she's "different now". spending a lot more time with her roommates and girl friends, and generally just going out with them. He's not really privy to how she's feeling emotionally but he told me that she asks if he has spoken with me. Idiotically, he said yes and that she then asks how I'm doing, to which he replies: "Not good".. and that "he doesn't understand". Apparently, after hearing this, she shuts down and doesn't engage anyone else for the rest of the evening. Probably, she's just feeling guilty or something.

 

After she texted me, she's signed on okcupid a couple times (I check her profile to see when she's logged on... I need to stop, I know) and is probably trying to find someone to keep her company or something. No idea what's going through her head.

 

The last time we met, she told me she felt she needed more experience before being in a committed relationship. Personally, i feel like I need to continue giving her a lot of space and letting her make her own mistakes and do her own decisions without engaging her. This is for two reasons... one, I don't want her to feel like it's so simple to keep me hanging around, and two, I actually do want her to conciously make the decision that she does want to be with me, instead of me chasing her. I dont know why, but something tells me that it's going to take about 6 months before we can have any serious discussion about this, and maybe up to a year (around feb-may) before we have any chance of serious reconciliation. She has to deal with her fear of commitment and be resolute in making a choice...

 

Part of me wonders that if we don't open up a line of communication at all, how do we even have a chance of getting back together? But i feel like we'll have more opportunities later down the line. I eliminated all methods of contact so she has no idea what i'm doing. I don't know if she still thinks of me everyday, the way I do for her... I miss her so much.

[umirano]

Wanna make your life better? Stop checking her OLD profile, or anything else about her.

 

It's over, she needs to get things out of her system and you're in the way. Now you can stay where you are and get run over by her drive to see what's out there (and the necessary disregard for your feelings) or you can move on to explore your own life.