Newbie82 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum, so I’m not sure exactly how this works, but I do need to vent/get some advice! I was in a relationship for 6 years, broke up 1.5 years ago, as my bf was cheating on me. I am 31, almost 32, and now lost in the dating world, which has put my confidence/self esteem to the test! I am not quite sure how to relax and be patient and let things happen naturally as I’m so used to being in a ‘secure’ relationship, where you don’t have to worry about how much you text, what you say that will make them disappear etc. I haven’t had any luck dating in the past 1.5 years, as I guess I tend to try and rush things and might come across as desperate? I am talking to a guy now (we haven’t met yet), but we have skyped, called etc…and we get along great. However, if he doesn’t text me back in a few hours or something I get so anxious and think that he’s not interested in meeting, talking anymore. Yesterday I sent him one at 4pm, and he didn’t reply until midnight. The time between then and when he replied it felt like my stomach was in knots, even though his reply was very nice and sweet. I just start imaging the worst!! And today I replied to his text, 3 hours ago and still waiting. How do you learn how to relax and trust that things will work out if they’re mean to work out??
todreaminblue Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Has he given you any reason not to trust him?
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Meet.............now. Every minute invested in a man you have not met yet is a wasted minute. 4
Author Newbie82 Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 No he hasn't given me any reasons not to trust him (although we arent 'seeing' each other so he can do what he wants). He just normally doesn't take this long to reply to my messages, but maybe he's just been busy....
d0nnivain Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Try to remember men & women view time differently. There was a thread about guys waiting 5 days . . . which is ridiculous but a few hours is nothing. I do agree that meeting sooner rather than later in a safe place is best. If you can Skype, what's holding you back from meeting?
Author Newbie82 Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Thats kind of the problem at the moment. He lives about a 2 hour ferry ride away..but is planning to move to where i am in September for work. I was going to suggest taking the ferry over to meet this weekend, but I dont want to bombard him with texts..
thekid36 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Hi everyone, I’m new to this forum, so I’m not sure exactly how this works, but I do need to vent/get some advice! I was in a relationship for 6 years, broke up 1.5 years ago, as my bf was cheating on me. I am 31, almost 32, and now lost in the dating world, which has put my confidence/self esteem to the test! I am not quite sure how to relax and be patient and let things happen naturally as I’m so used to being in a ‘secure’ relationship, where you don’t have to worry about how much you text, what you say that will make them disappear etc. I haven’t had any luck dating in the past 1.5 years, as I guess I tend to try and rush things and might come across as desperate? I am talking to a guy now (we haven’t met yet), but we have skyped, called etc…and we get along great. However, if he doesn’t text me back in a few hours or something I get so anxious and think that he’s not interested in meeting, talking anymore. Yesterday I sent him one at 4pm, and he didn’t reply until midnight. The time between then and when he replied it felt like my stomach was in knots, even though his reply was very nice and sweet. I just start imaging the worst!! And today I replied to his text, 3 hours ago and still waiting. How do you learn how to relax and trust that things will work out if they’re mean to work out?? Hi! Welcome to the forums! What we experience in life is bound to have an effect on us going forward. No matter how much we may try to diminish it. Personally, I think that you are not coming across as desperate. That's first of all. I think that you just are coming across as being sincere. You like someone and enjoy his specific company. But, you also have to be aware of the person on the other end. If you try to text or call constantly before really reading the other individual out, it could be seen as being a bit pushy. One text or any other contact at a time while waiting for a response may be the best route to go at first. I was talking to one woman online awhile back and all was just going great. We were in different states and met online by chance. Not on a definitive dating site. I really was enjoying our time together and naturally, wanted more. One day, I brought up how it would be nice to perhaps meet over the summer. It totally freaked her out and now, we are barely even friends. So, goes to show you that everyone is different. As is each and every situation. It is hard to like someone and wait for something back. Yet, you have to try to respect the other person while still staying true to yourself. Just because he does not respond right away does not necessarily mean anything is wrong. As long as this lad gets back to you in a timely manner, I would not get too worried at this point. Just enjoy the time you spend together and stay optimistic!
Gaeta Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 People are on dating sites to meet. If offering someone to meet scares them off then they have no business on a dating site. It's a meeting, not a marriage. If asking this man to meet over the next weekend is overwhelming him then you don't want to have any business with him. He's not a little girl, he's a man!
Author Newbie82 Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Thank you everyone! Is it a bad idea to ask him if everything is ok? Or just go along as if im not anxious at all as I still haven't heard from him.
thekid36 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Thank you everyone! Is it a bad idea to ask him if everything is ok? Or just go along as if im not anxious at all as I still haven't heard from him. I would give it around 24 hours or so since you first texted. If he still has not contacted you back, then I would consider sending him another text. Even though I have been burned with this before, I think that it is reasonable to respond to someone within this timeframe. You want to be with someone who is into you the same way as you are to him.
HappyLove Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Thank you everyone! Is it a bad idea to ask him if everything is ok? Or just go along as if im not anxious at all as I still haven't heard from him. Do NOT ask if everything is ok! Just go on as usual and yes ask to meet this weekend. You have to realize most people OLDing are dating others while communicating with you. YOU should be doing the same. You need to meet soon because you are building up a fantasy in your head that doesn't exist. He may show up and be 60 pounds over weight, beer gut, and triple chin....been there done that even though the pics were soooo handsome. If he dodges meeting you he's probably married, a liar, already in a relationship. Just don't let it drag on when you really don't know this guy and if he's worth your time at all. Don't emotionally invest in the unknown. Oh I see you've skyped so "should be" ok in that department. Still you don't know until you meet. Good luck!
thekid36 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Do NOT ask if everything is ok! Just go on as usual and yes ask to meet this weekend. You have to realize most people OLDing are dating others while communicating with you. YOU should be doing the same. You need to meet soon because you are building up a fantasy in your head that doesn't exist. He may show up and be 60 pounds over weight, beer gut, and triple chin....been there done that even though the pics were soooo handsome. If he dodges meeting you he's probably married, a liar, already in a relationship. Just don't let it drag on when you really don't know this guy and if he's worth your time at all. Don't emotionally invest in the unknown. Oh I see you've skyped so "should be" ok in that department. Still you don't know until you meet. Good luck! Okay, so a few things here. I could be wrong. But, I think that the OP is talking to this man exclusively. On her end of things, I mean. From what she has said so far, at least. This seems to be out of choice. I am just curious as to why you would seem to suggest that one talk to or date multiple people at a time. I can assure you that not all men online are out there talking to a whole bunch of women all at once. Nor does everyone out there necessarily see dating as a kind of generous game or bountiful buffet. Whether online or completely away from the computer. Sure, some prefer to pursue things differently than me. Many will want to talk and get to know more than one soul in a given period of time so as to decide which one is most interesting. I totally understand that. But, not all of us should have to try to meet people the same way you would, either. Please realize this is not meant to attack you and only is meant to offer up possible discussion. I happen to completely agree with what you suggest about meeting sooner than later!
Author Newbie82 Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 Well, in general, I get very anxious at the beginning to get to know someone as I worry whether they like me, and can take anything the wrong way. I need to learn how to relax. For me, dating multiple people at the same time hasnt always worked as it just makes me more anxious. It is a learning process I suppose! 1
thekid36 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Well, in general, I get very anxious at the beginning to get to know someone as I worry whether they like me, and can take anything the wrong way. I need to learn how to relax. For me, dating multiple people at the same time hasnt always worked as it just makes me more anxious. It is a learning process I suppose! Relaxing is always a good bet. Easier said than done. Especially, for those of us who tend to not do things half-ass! Perhaps you are intense and passionate about all you tend to care about. Which would in theory make it more difficult to do so. I am also wondering if you are an analytical person. I ask this because of being the same exact way. And, I have honestly learned that when with dating and relationships, the more you think, the less you tend to understand, so to speak. No way I could ever date more than one person at a time! I also would want my partner to feel the same. Not because she has to do what I would at all. But, as a result of her own volition. As a result, some consider me as completely crazy. Others, completely controlling. I learned long ago that you have to make yourself happy and do what is best on your end. No way we can please everyone. You seriously sound very sincere. It sounds as if you genuinely want to find the right man. Don't change completely so as to try to impress others or find more dates. Stay true to who you are as a person. There is someone out there who will appreciate you for all you are. 1
HappyLove Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Well, in general, I get very anxious at the beginning to get to know someone as I worry whether they like me, and can take anything the wrong way. I need to learn how to relax. For me, dating multiple people at the same time hasnt always worked as it just makes me more anxious. It is a learning process I suppose! I preferred to stick to dating one person as well until....I started OLDing! You'll learn soon enough that that's how it is. People are sending out tons of winks and messages and setting up multiple dates a week. You're a fool if you assume a man is only messaging you alone after meeting on such a public site. Also I suggest meeting up with more than one man because it helps not to invest so much in someone your not even dating. Full disclosure: I think OLDing is a waste of time and works for very FEW people.
Author Newbie82 Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 Thank you everyone! I asked him about meeting still and he is still up for it, so I am taking the ferry over on Saturday to meet with him! He didn't seem AS excited as he has in the past, so im trying to keep my contact with him then to a minimum. Such a game, and so many rules, I hope i don't come across as needy/desperate on our date if I really like him! =S Although I know it should be if I like him too, but I'm worried that he won't like me and that that might come across. Not sure why I'm so anxious!!
FitChick Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 He probably prefers dating locally. Too bad you already said you'd take the ferry to meet him. You should have had him come to you which would prove he was at least interested. Do NOT stay over at his place or you will become a booty call and nothing more. Either book the last ferry or get a hotel room if you want to spend a whole weekend. Don't let him come to the hotel, meet him elsewhere. If he sweet talks you and "future fakes" to get sex, tell him you need to think about it and maybe when he comes to visit you (where he will stay in a hotel) you will discuss it. If you get on, make him come to your city at least every other time to prove continuing interest. If he seems indifferent, let him go. He will be moving to your city in a couple of months and probably won't know anyone so might contact you again when you can reassess.
Author Newbie82 Posted June 26, 2014 Author Posted June 26, 2014 Yes I do agree! He did say that he would be happy to come my way but I wasn't sure when that would be and I would rather meet sooner rather than later before investing too much. At least I will be able to gage his interest after this! I have definately rushed into sex before and it never worked out so I won't be doing that this trip!
thekid36 Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 Yes I do agree! He did say that he would be happy to come my way but I wasn't sure when that would be and I would rather meet sooner rather than later before investing too much. At least I will be able to gage his interest after this! I have definately rushed into sex before and it never worked out so I won't be doing that this trip! The cool thing about waiting is think about how electric the sex will have the chance to be after having built up a little anticipation in advance! And, if it does not work out, you will perhaps be proud of your own self for not having rushed what was never there or meant to be! Deciding to meet now sounds like a rather rational decision. Hope that this weekend is a happy one!
Recommended Posts