I need some outside perspective

[homeiswithyou]

I have recently been broken up with by the 'love of my life'. I casually saw people throughout high school and the first bit of University, however had never met somebody that I was fully compatible with and didn't care to pursue a real relationship. I met my ex at a mutual friend's party, and we would continue to casually bump into each other for the next two years but never became close. Two years later, we bumped into each other while I was working at a bar. We exchanged numbers, and went on some great dates, though we knew he was leaving for five months to work in the States. I casually saw people during this time, however something was holding me back from becoming serious with anyone else, I'd like to think it was instinct. Flash forward five months, he came back to town and we hit it off right where we left off. We only had eyes for each other, and feel completely in love within the next few months. During that time, he was only in town for four days a week and would return home to another city for the remainder of the week. We were inseparable while he was in town, and we would keep a solid communication while he wasn't. We used the word 'forever' a lot, but it never lost its meaning. Eventually he finished up his class, and would be moving home full-time to begin a career. He ended up moving to another province for a great work opportunity, and I was more than willing to keep up a LDR. For many many months after this, we kept up solid communication and would visit each other often. We had grown extremely close. I met his entire family (cousins, grandparents, siblings, parents) and loved them all. He is really close with his family so that was important. I was in my final year of University, and became busy with filling my resume with extra curriculars. He's a very emotional guy, and brought up that he thinks our communication became worse. We worked it out, and went back to texting and calling all the time. We shared our lives with each other. I went to visit him and we went to a concert put on by one of our favourite bands. We returned to his house, and I knew something was on his mind. I asked him about it, but he said it was nothing and not to worry. We woke up the next day, and he said he felt that our relationship was emotionally stressful on him. At some points he missed me so much he couldn't sleep, and it was affecting him at work. He didn't know if he wanted to do it anymore. Of course, this was a complete shock. Is it even possible to miss someone so much that you don't want to be with them? Anyways, I returned home and gave him his desired space. Of course we kept in contact, just slightly less than usual. He seemed to be his upbeat, loving self. He was coming to visit me in two weeks, and in the two weeks before it was as if we never had an argument. We would snapchat each other silly pictures, talk on the phone for an hour at night, text during the day. When he came up to visit, he said that he had been feeling good this past month, and has decided that he is not ready for a serious relationship. At first I acted very calmly, and we just talked about it. Our relationship has been near perfect. We took a break and went to the beach, he insisted on opening the door to the car for me, holding my hand, hugging and being adorable in the water, building a sandcastle, just fun little things that we would normally do. Once we returned home, he insisted that he just didn't want a relationship. It's not that he wants anyone else (he's really not the type, trust me, he's telling the truth), but he just needs to 'figure himself out'. In the city he works, he doesn't speak the same language, and has one friendly roommate, but that's it. I feel as though he's lonely, and he blames me for it because I'm not there. Only a month ago, he was telling my friends how lucky he was to have me, and how that we're going to end up together. It just doesn't make sense.

 

He really is the absolutely perfect guy (other than being confused with what he wants). We get along perfectly when we're together, we make each other better people, we didn't get boring, and we have never been in love with anyone as much as we have been with each other.

 

He checks my snapchat updates regularly, but he has not initiated contact. It has been two weeks, and I'm not sure what to do. I hate the term 'NC'. I don't want to play games and make him jealous or feel bad, I want him to be happy. I want to keep solid communication with him, I'm just not sure how to go about doing so, or even if it's a good idea. We have a very strong relationship, and I know in my heart and in my head that we're meant to be. I'm willing to be patient and give him space, I just want to make sure he's okay.

 

What is your take on the situation? Anything helps. Thank you in advance.

[PegNosePete]

he insisted that he just didn't want a relationship. It's not that he wants anyone else (he's really not the type, trust me, he's telling the truth), but he just needs to 'figure himself out'.

Sorry, I don't trust you on that one. You are wrong. I guarantee you, whenever anyone ever uses that phrase, there is someone else.

 

What does he need to figure out? He can't be specific... he is hiding something.

 

You obviously have different relationship expectations. He doesn't want a relationship, he has told you plainly and clearly. If you're cool to carry on "casual dating" which no doubt means seeing other people, then carry on. But that's not what you want is it? So this is simply not going to work out for you. Sorry.

[Zahara]

It's not that he wants anyone else (he's really not the type, trust me, he's telling the truth), but he just needs to 'figure himself out'.

 

He may not want anyone else, but it doesn't change the fact that he doesn't want to be with you as well. It's pretty common "reasoning" to give when one can't let go of you completely based on their need to still have you to fill in the gaps in their life. What happens when he figures himself out and realizes he is still not wanting a relationship?

 

Only a month ago, he was telling my friends how lucky he was to have me, and how that we're going to end up together. It just doesn't make sense.

 

Actions not words. What are his actions telling you? People can say anything they want when they're in the moment, when someone wants to hear what they want to hear, when it reflects well on them, etc.

 

We get along perfectly when we're together, we make each other better people, we didn't get boring, and we have never been in love with anyone as much as we have been with each other.

 

Unfortunately, that doesn't seem enough of a strong hold for him to keep continuing the relationship. Don't project what you feel and how you view your connection.

 

We have a very strong relationship, and I know in my heart and in my head that we're meant to be. I'm willing to be patient and give him space, I just want to make sure he's okay.

 

Again, don't project. His actions are showing you otherwise. Sitting around and waiting for someone to deem you worthy to be in a relationship with is doing it at the expense of your emotional health and mental wellbeing. Don't sit around and wait for him to choose you. You only enable their indecision because they will never be given the gift of feeling the loss of you, but you become a crutch for him while he goes on living life based on his terms.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Zahara

[d0nnivain]

If you are going to fix this, you have to continue talking.

 

 

When can you close the distance gap? Was there ever a plan to do that? If he sees no hope that you will ever be together & he hates where he lives, he just might be viewing everything as hopeless, especially since you describe him as a emotional man.

 

 

Get him to sit down & articulate what "figuring himself out mean". Ask the hard Qs. Is he curious about possibly dating somebody else? Does he feel pressured to marry since you're close to graduation & something is telling him that's the next step even if he's not ready for it yet? Find out what's on his mind, if you can.