Priv Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Hi Priv, yes, but if she was sure about him she wouldn't be making this thread. After I met my wife, the exact moment our eyes locked, other women ceased to exist. Surely I'm not the only person in the world who knew there was something amazing so other women weren't feasible for me anymore? Casually dating is how you figure out what or who speaks to your soul. Anything less is settling. Best, Grumps True, if she was sure this thread would not exist. Had that feeling before (unsuccesfully in the end but still ), best feeling in the world. And the standard I like to uphold to my next gf. Maybe I am projecting that. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 True, if she was sure this thread would not exist. Had that feeling before (unsuccesfully in the end but still ), best feeling in the world. And the standard I like to uphold to my next gf. Maybe I am projecting that. I hope I didn't offend you, Priv about the projecting comment. We all want things to be a certain way so we can calculate based on known variables. My projection comment wasn't an insult, because I do it too. I hope your next gf is nice and peaceful.... G
Priv Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 (edited) No worries, you didn't. Also, the US is playing portugal right now. Why are you still posting? ps. so do I Edited June 22, 2014 by Priv 1
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 A lot of you mentioned that I wouldn't have made this thread if I truly thought this younger guy was amazing. If you knew my dating history, you may understand. I was with a guy for 7 years who I assumed would marry, but he left me for another woman at a very hard time in my life (mom was struggling for her life). I was faithful, caring, etc. and would have done anything for him. The next serious relationship was last year. I was head over heels in love. One day I decided to have the "where is this going" chat in which I'd hoped we'd exchange "I love yous" or whatever. Instead he dumped me. My heart has been broken twice with guys I really cared about. I wonder if my heads were in the cloud with both relationships. I'm trying to be more realistic about love/relationships now. Yes, I feel strongly about this guy but I have felt strongly about two other guys and where'd that get me?
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 I dont think its cultural. I think its demographics and a rural/urban divide. In a smaller town if a girl multi dates it gets around that shes loose. If a guy mukti dates and it gets around he gets tagged as a player. In a bigger city, anonymity is the default. Also the younger generations are in this hookup culture right now. Well, I'm 31 so I am definitely not in the hookup culture now. I also have always been a one crush kind of girl. During my last relationship, I had so many friends say I needed to date around and see what I wanted from a guy before becoming exclusive with any one man. I didn't do this. I thought I'd prove them wrong, but I ended up broken hearted again. I thought maybe having more options, meeting more people was what I should be doing?? I mean, as long as we're not exclusive yet.
ktya Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Well, I'm 31 so I am definitely not in the hookup culture now. I also have always been a one crush kind of girl. During my last relationship, I had so many friends say I needed to date around and see what I wanted from a guy before becoming exclusive with any one man. I didn't do this. I thought I'd prove them wrong, but I ended up broken hearted again. I thought maybe having more options, meeting more people was what I should be doing?? I mean, as long as we're not exclusive yet. Then maybe you need to do what im doing, and casually multi date. I had a 9 year relationship and engaged end pretty much like your 7 year one, and a string of largely crappy relationships afterward. Like you i would date someone, go exclusive pretty quickly, and from there the velocity of the relationship would pick up fast. But it always takes a few months of living together before the crazy comes out. When i was with my most recent ex i told her if things didnt work she would be my last girlfriend for a long time and i would just date around. And thats what im doing. I almost rebounded soon but caught myself and now im in the groove. Casual multi dating its key to be clear as to where your at. I usually drop the bomb on the first date to get it out of the way. That way if they want to upgrade the status of the relationship the onus is on them to bring it up. I dont tell them when im going on other dates, but if they ask if im seeing other people im honest and answer a flat yes or no. The ones who ask that question always want to know how many, ill only give them the number of girls im sleeping with at the time because theyre going to figure im sleeping with them all anyway. I omit the ones i havent from that number. Im finding its working out well - although having that one reliable girl i can call over at any time, sometimes i do miss that.
Author abby_tx Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Then maybe you need to do what im doing, and casually multi date. I had a 9 year relationship and engaged end pretty much like your 7 year one, and a string of largely crappy relationships afterward. Like you i would date someone, go exclusive pretty quickly, and from there the velocity of the relationship would pick up fast. But it always takes a few months of living together before the crazy comes out. When i was with my most recent ex i told her if things didnt work she would be my last girlfriend for a long time and i would just date around. And thats what im doing. I almost rebounded soon but caught myself and now im in the groove. Casual multi dating its key to be clear as to where your at. I usually drop the bomb on the first date to get it out of the way. That way if they want to upgrade the status of the relationship the onus is on them to bring it up. I dont tell them when im going on other dates, but if they ask if im seeing other people im honest and answer a flat yes or no. The ones who ask that question always want to know how many, ill only give them the number of girls im sleeping with at the time because theyre going to figure im sleeping with them all anyway. I omit the ones i havent from that number. Im finding its working out well - although having that one reliable girl i can call over at any time, sometimes i do miss that. So how is multidating helping your life or what do you hope to accomplish by doing so? I'm just curious as I wonder if I'm supposed to do the same?
TigerLilly78 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 So you only kissed him last date? Yeah exclusivity is way out still then. Go ahead. At this point theres nothing serious other than that you really like the guy. Exclusivity i would wait until either shortly before or after sex, preferrably after. Or if you really want to lock him down, have the talk next date and if he says yes give him the most mind blowing sex as a thank you. Wowzers why is after sex a preference to find out if there is going to be a lasting relationship? the priorities are really weird these days..also you need to give some one sex as a thank you for deciding on dating you..odd again maybe its just me I guess im an old fart but my vag isn't a interactive thank you card..lol God I miss the dating in early 2000's. This question wouldn't even have been on the table, we just liked one person and focused on making it work with them and that was that. Get rid of him and move onto the next guy don't use someone as a backup ffs. mhmmm totally agree today people aren't just happy when they find one person they are interested in there must be a herrum to choose from then they wonder why dating is so complicated its cause you make it that way.. 5
ktya Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Well heres the thing. You get in a relationship and you become part of a couple. Your SO after a while gets comfortable and the honeymoon wears off and you start to see the real them. They have opinions on what you should do and how you should live your life and you have your own opinions about them. Then theres always the expectation that this should be "going somewhere" which leads to its own stresses and dramas. Friends of the opposite sex become landmines if your close to them, you often lose them. Multi dating, different people fill different needs. One girl is hot like a porn star and i can sit and drink all day and bull**** with her - but shes an emotional wreck due to a previous abusive relationship and not stable. Another is smart but a bit awkward, but i enjoy cooking and sitting down to a meal with her. Shes also tremendously busy and i doubt she has the time for a full on boyfriend so i see her where i can. Another is super cute and we have 1950s style dates with the taking her elbow. But she has a boyfriend. Sex is great. Another is prolific on he phone. You can see my point. I can take my favorite qualities of each without taking the bad. When drama starts up, i let them deal with their sh.t and see hem when things are normal again. Im also always free to meet more people, and meeting and learning about new people is always interesting. Also, on my end the freedom is great too. If my work buddy shows up on friday night and wants to get smashed i can sit down and enjoy the sun and get smashed with him. My ex left me with over $3000 in unpaid bills ive been catching up on, if im feeling a bit poor its no biggie to just not line up any dates while the money tree recharges without someone saying "why are you not spending time with me whats wrong". It has definite advantages over a standard type relationship, especially one with the wrong person. But it has drawbacks too. You have to schedule dates as nothing is implied. Nobody is exclusive unless they feel like it so you do risk them meeting someone and locking down with them. And if they start seeing someone new and exciting you cant demand to have some of their time. What i like best about it is each date , meeting, or encounter has a purpose and that is to have an enjoyable time. Because lets face it, thats the point of being with someone of the.opposite sex anyway, enjoying eachothers company. Once it gets to a point where its no longer enjoyable, you simply hang out with them less. In a relationship theres this whole breakup and drama because you both went exclusive with eachother and theres nobody else on the hook - i am talking to 8 girls right now sleeping with 3 and i already have 2 dates lined uo for next week. If girl 4 were to break it off with me, no crying or feeling sorry for myself about it ive got enough action. Hope this helps.
ktya Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Wowzers why is after sex a preference to find out if there is going to be a lasting relationship? the priorities are really weird these days..also you need to give some one sex as a thank you for deciding on dating you..odd again maybe its just me I guess im an old fart but my vag isn't a interactive thank you card..lol I would never even consider going exclusive with someone until ive had sex with them. I suggested the sex as a thank you because they havent.
veggirl Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I find it hard to believe you really like this guy. If so, why would you even consider going out with someone else? Anytime I've really liked someone, I've had eyes for them and them alone. Do you often find yourself looking for the next best thing, worried you'll miss out or something? If you ACTUALLY are interested in seeing how things go with the first guy then have the decency to date ONLY him. 2
SoleMate Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 ...my vag isn't a interactive thank you card..lol Agreed!!!!!! [10 char] 1
TigerLilly78 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Well heres the thing. You get in a relationship and you become part of a couple. Your SO after a while gets comfortable and the honeymoon wears off and you start to see the real them. They have opinions on what you should do and how you should live your life and you have your own opinions about them. Then theres always the expectation that this should be "going somewhere" which leads to its own stresses and dramas. Friends of the opposite sex become landmines if your close to them, you often lose them. Multi dating, different people fill different needs. One girl is hot like a porn star and i can sit and drink all day and bull**** with her - but shes an emotional wreck due to a previous abusive relationship and not stable. Another is smart but a bit awkward, but i enjoy cooking and sitting down to a meal with her. Shes also tremendously busy and i doubt she has the time for a full on boyfriend so i see her where i can. Another is super cute and we have 1950s style dates with the taking her elbow. But she has a boyfriend. Sex is great. Another is prolific on he phone. You can see my point. I can take my favorite qualities of each without taking the bad. When drama starts up, i let them deal with their sh.t and see hem when things are normal again. Im also always free to meet more people, and meeting and learning about new people is always interesting. Also, on my end the freedom is great too. If my work buddy shows up on friday night and wants to get smashed i can sit down and enjoy the sun and get smashed with him. My ex left me with over $3000 in unpaid bills ive been catching up on, if im feeling a bit poor its no biggie to just not line up any dates while the money tree recharges without someone saying "why are you not spending time with me whats wrong". It has definite advantages over a standard type relationship, especially one with the wrong person. But it has drawbacks too. You have to schedule dates as nothing is implied. Nobody is exclusive unless they feel like it so you do risk them meeting someone and locking down with them. And if they start seeing someone new and exciting you cant demand to have some of their time. What i like best about it is each date , meeting, or encounter has a purpose and that is to have an enjoyable time. Because lets face it, thats the point of being with someone of the.opposite sex anyway, enjoying eachothers company. Once it gets to a point where its no longer enjoyable, you simply hang out with them less. In a relationship theres this whole breakup and drama because you both went exclusive with eachother and theres nobody else on the hook - i am talking to 8 girls right now sleeping with 3 and i already have 2 dates lined uo for next week. If girl 4 were to break it off with me, no crying or feeling sorry for myself about it ive got enough action. Hope this helps. Shes cute but shes got a BF? emmm....I read this post and honestly all I hear is fear of commitment talking and that's ok it sounds like you have had a bad run far as relationships go so this is your safe way of doing things. But lets be honest nothing worth having is ever easy and every one has their draw backs. Not saying one should settle but to really learn about some one you have to see them good and bad not just the "fun"parts. I don't know to me this is a nonconstructive attitude to have when one wants a real relationship as the vibe im getting from the OP I could be wrong I don't know..
ktya Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Shes cute but shes got a BF? emmm....I read this post and honestly all I hear is fear of commitment talking and that's ok it sounds like you have had a bad run far as relationships go so this is your safe way of doing things. But lets be honest nothing worth having is ever easy and every one has their draw backs. Not saying one should settle but to really learn about some one you have to see them good and bad not just the "fun"parts. I don't know to me this is a nonconstructive attitude to have when one wants a real relationship as the vibe im getting from the OP I could be wrong I don't know.. OP asked me what i see in multi dating and what i hoped to get out of it. Im not a committment phobe at all, my longest relationship was 9 years shortest was 8 months most living together and engaged once. Id marry the right girl - key being the absolute right girl which i may never find - but im not going to put up with relationships for a while. 17 years of back to back serious relationships most of which ended badly and i have little to show for them. Laughably the only girl im seeing that i would lock down and put a ring on her finger is the one with the boyfriend and ive told her so. Theres another special girl i met off here on loveshack id go for too but i havent met her yet in person. Until i find the right someone im going to play the field like wildfire. And hou tend to just know immediately if they are in that league.
Author abby_tx Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 I find it hard to believe you really like this guy. If so, why would you even consider going out with someone else? Anytime I've really liked someone, I've had eyes for them and them alone. Do you often find yourself looking for the next best thing, worried you'll miss out or something? If you ACTUALLY are interested in seeing how things go with the first guy then have the decency to date ONLY him. read my explanation a few posts up. I have always been like you, only having eyes for one guy. I have got burned. I think I'm just scared that I like this guy and want some cushion when it fails. Any time I have really, really been into a guy it has failed.
Author abby_tx Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 For what it's worth, if I found out any girl I'm dating is dating others, I will bow out immediately. I want nothing to do with anyone who is dating multiple guys. If I go out with a girl and I'm interested in her after the first date, she is the only one I will date. No multi-dating, no need to have talks about being exclusive, ect. Everyone seems to want to keep their options open these days so they can keep looking for the bigger, better deal. Thanks for saying this. It would not be worth losing him because I went out with a guy I didn't even care about. I would be sad if roles were reversed too. 1
veggirl Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 read my explanation a few posts up. I have always been like you, only having eyes for one guy. I have got burned. I think I'm just scared that I like this guy and want some cushion when it fails. Any time I have really, really been into a guy it has failed. I read the whole thread. Wanting a cushion in case things fail is selfish and really cruel to all parties involved (unless they are aware one of them is the back up and one of them requires a back up). You think people who date 2 guys at once can't get burned? You can date one person at a time without jumping in feet first immediately. It sounds, to me, like your problem is rushing into things immediately rather than slowly getting to know the person. BTW, everyone who is happily married or in a relationship? guess what...that's because all of THEIR other relationships failed too. MOST relationships fail, you know.
Author abby_tx Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 I read the whole thread. Wanting a cushion in case things fail is selfish and really cruel to all parties involved (unless they are aware one of them is the back up and one of them requires a back up). You think people who date 2 guys at once can't get burned? You can date one person at a time without jumping in feet first immediately. It sounds, to me, like your problem is rushing into things immediately rather than slowly getting to know the person. BTW, everyone who is happily married or in a relationship? guess what...that's because all of THEIR other relationships failed too. MOST relationships fail, you know. Who knows. You're probably right. When my last relationship ended, my mom was also in the hospital and I don't think I was over my 7 year relationship. I ended up starting counseling and going on a very low dose of antidepressant (my first time ever on an antidepressant). I felt so low at that point in my life. I'm the happiest I've been in a really long time. I guess I just keep thinking back to that place I was at and really want to avoid it any way I can. I mean, not that I think a breakup would tear me apart that badly. Interesting you say the way to do it is take things more slowly. I guess I thought the way to do this was not becoming exclusive right away or meeting other guys. If i only date him, how do you take things slowly? Just hold off on sex??
TigerLilly78 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 BTW, everyone who is happily married or in a relationship? guess what...that's because all of THEIR other relationships failed too. MOST relationships fail, you know. Yep I think you hit the nail on the head here most do fail until you find the one that doesn't heck some never find it I guess but how can you ever give it a honest try when your to busy lining up back ups.. like you said date one person for a while get to really know them before you jump into a true commitment bf/gf but that said also respect that persons feelings in the mean time isn't that the base of real dating anyways? use to be I thought...eh dating has become a game and so many wonder why they lose it..
HappyLove Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 It has only been THREE dates with a guy you met ONLINE! Sorry but online relationships can be very fickle. You think you've met a great guy and then he vanishes. I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket if I were you.
TigerLilly78 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 It has only been THREE dates with a guy you met ONLINE! Sorry but online relationships can be very fickle. You think you've met a great guy and then he vanishes. I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket if I were you. I don't get why meeting people on line is so different to another way not everyone on line is a flake or a scumbag...
Author abby_tx Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 It has only been THREE dates with a guy you met ONLINE! Sorry but online relationships can be very fickle. You think you've met a great guy and then he vanishes. I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket if I were you. :(:(:(:( I have had guys disappear after one and come to expect that. If after three he disappeared, I'd be so bummed.
HappyLove Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 :(:(:(:( I have had guys disappear after one and come to expect that. If after three he disappeared, I'd be so bummed. It sucks but it happens A LOT!
ktya Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I don't get why meeting people on line is so different to another way not everyone on line is a flake or a scumbag... No but there is no interconnections with friends of friends so people are more likely to flake. As guy you can send 100 well worded messages and get two responses, which on our side is quite rude to put up with. I understand the reason why, the sheer overflow of messages, but i still consider it flakey. In the guy side they i guess just disappear when they dont get laid.
TigerLilly78 Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 No but there is no interconnections with friends of friends so people are more likely to flake. As guy you can send 100 well worded messages and get two responses, which on our side is quite rude to put up with. I understand the reason why, the sheer overflow of messages, but i still consider it flakey. In the guy side they i guess just disappear when they dont get laid. True but unless your strictly going to date friends of friends or family you can have the same thing with a stranger you meet in a bar or club or at the grocery far as not getting a response when you send a on line message I just consider they weren't interested and move on..
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