abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 So, I have a silly question.I went on three amazing dates with a guy. He's a few years younger than me which at first bothered me (to the extent I almost didn't go on the date with him). But he's amazing and our connection is undeniable. I haven't gone out with anyone since I met him because there simply haven't been any other guys I was interested in meeting. Until today. Here's the back story: 2 months ago, a guy showed up in my matches who lived hundreds of miles away. I usually don't message people who aren't in my city, but he had such a great nose I messaged him that I needed a sculpture made of his nose. Just as a joke. We messaged back and forth a bit, but knowing we'd never meet, I let it die out fairly quickly. Today he messaged me to say he got offered a job in the city I live in and is moving here in a week. He wants me to show him around town. I really don't know what to do. My relationship with the younger guy has been slow because he's been out of town for work a lot and we've had to wait a week+ for our next date. But as of Friday, the traveling for his job is over and we should be able to see each other more. I guess what I'm asking is at what point should I not be meeting other guys? This has never usually been an issue with me because there's never been any other guys I've been interested in while getting to know someone else. I can be pretty picky.
LostOnes05 Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Verify if the younger guy is seeing anyone else. If not then, you should probably focus on his nose and not this other guy. You've already invested time there. If he is seeing other people, then no harm...no foul. 1
KaliLove Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 In my opinion, until you have 'the talk', you're both free to continue seeing other people.
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Verify if the younger guy is seeing anyone else. If not then, you should probably focus on his nose and not this other guy. You've already invested time there. If he is seeing other people, then no harm...no foul. But we've only been on three dates. Isn't that too soon to ask him if he's seeing other people??
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Depends how you met him and what you talked about. If you made it to talking about your future together, no. If you havent had an exclusivity talk, and havent had sex with him, then you should be in the clear. Call me jaded but until i have an exclusivity talk i just assume that the girl has other dates lined up and keep dating. Who knows what hes up to with all of his travelling to. Might be worth asking him if your not sure
KaliLove Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 But we've only been on three dates. Isn't that too soon to ask him if he's seeing other people?? If you think it's too soon to ask if he's seeing other people, then it's too soon for you to be worrying about not seeing other people yourself. Why should you hold yourself to a different standard than you hold him to? Have fun and go with the flow!
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Depends how you met him and what you talked about. If you made it to talking about your future together, no. If you havent had an exclusivity talk, and havent had sex with him, then you should be in the clear. Call me jaded but until i have an exclusivity talk i just assume that the girl has other dates lined up and keep dating. Who knows what hes up to with all of his travelling to. Might be worth asking him if your not sure I met this guy online. On our dates, we have only had get to know you talks or share funny stories. We haven't discussed what we want in the future and definitely haven't talked about exclusivity. Our first kiss didn't happen until our third date. I would not be comfortable asking him if he's dating anyone else at this point because it feels like we're still just getting to know one another. But I wonder at what point exclusivity should be brought up??
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I met this guy online. On our dates, we have only had get to know you talks or share funny stories. We haven't discussed what we want in the future and definitely haven't talked about exclusivity. Our first kiss didn't happen until our third date. I would not be comfortable asking him if he's dating anyone else at this point because it feels like we're still just getting to know one another. But I wonder at what point exclusivity should be brought up?? So you only kissed him last date? Yeah exclusivity is way out still then. Go ahead. At this point theres nothing serious other than that you really like the guy. Exclusivity i would wait until either shortly before or after sex, preferrably after. Or if you really want to lock him down, have the talk next date and if he says yes give him the most mind blowing sex as a thank you.
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 So you only kissed him last date? Yeah exclusivity is way out still then. Go ahead. At this point theres nothing serious other than that you really like the guy. Exclusivity i would wait until either shortly before or after sex, preferrably after. Or if you really want to lock him down, have the talk next date and if he says yes give him the most mind blowing sex as a thank you. Yeah, I think we were both too nervous to kiss before then! Since two dates had come and gone without him making a move, I almost thought he wasn't into me. Hopefully now that he made a move, things will make a little more sense on dates! But still not sure if I can bring up exclusivity by the next date. And do I mention anything to the guy who's moving here before he comes? Like, "i'm not sure I can meet you yet?"
Dallers Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 God I miss the dating in early 2000's. This question wouldn't even have been on the table, we just liked one person and focused on making it work with them and that was that. Get rid of him and move onto the next guy don't use someone as a backup ffs. 5
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 God I miss the dating in early 2000's. This question wouldn't even have been on the table, we just liked one person and focused on making it work with them and that was that. Get rid of him and move onto the next guy don't use someone as a backup ffs. what? this advice makes no sense. get rid of the younger guy who i actually really like? i'm just trying to be smart here.
Dallers Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 what? this advice makes no sense. get rid of the younger guy who i actually really like? i'm just trying to be smart here. It makes perfect sense if someone you like is back on the scene and you like him more and are considering dating him do not keep the younger guy around as well. Date one person at a time.... 2
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Its really up to you abby. If you really like the younger guy focus on him. If you feel its not at the point where your ready to hold out for him then do what you like with the other guy. You might tell the other guy that youve been dating a really nice guy and give him a heads up that if things keep going this way you might go exclusive and be unable to see him. But if the other guy is anything like me he will just keep trying until you outright reject him.
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 It makes perfect sense if someone you like is back on the scene and you like him more and are considering dating him do not keep the younger guy around as well. Date one person at a time.... I think you misunderstood my post (which is understandable as I'm bad at telling stories in a clear/concise manner! ) The guy I really like is the younger guy who I have gone on three dates with and would love to eventually become exclusive with if things keep progressing. The guy who is moving here is someone I barely know. Just a cute guy from the internet who is moving here. I'm just asking if it's okay to meet up with him and show him around the city since the younger guy and I are not exclusive yet or if that's ****ty?
Author abby_tx Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Its really up to you abby. If you really like the younger guy focus on him. If you feel its not at the point where your ready to hold out for him then do what you like with the other guy. You might tell the other guy that youve been dating a really nice guy and give him a heads up that if things keep going this way you might go exclusive and be unable to see him. But if the other guy is anything like me he will just keep trying until you outright reject him. I do REALLY like the younger guy. I haven't felt this way about a guy in so long. He's amazing. But I feel like this amount of interest this soon is dangerous, so I'm trying to be realistic and not have any expectations or expect him to want to jump into anything serious with me. Would I stop dating if I knew he liked me? Absolutely. But to shut myself off to the world before knowing if he does seems unwise and that's sorta why I'm asking. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should give the guy moving here a heads up. 1
Priv Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 This really must be an American thing with the 'do what you want till you agree to be exclusive' (think I even read about that in an article, going to look it up). I never encountered any of these issues. But cultural differences aside, emotionally we are all the same. If these dates were so amazing and you are really into the guy, why even consider going on a date with another man? How do you think guy number 1 will take it learning you went on a date with another man? My guess is he is going to walk or at the very least decrease his emotional commitment in you. And you can't really not tell, that would be totally dishonest. This whole thing reminds me a bit of a episode of two and a half men, where Charlie is not technically cheating yet on the fiancee he took back by phone some night because she is in a different time zone and its still a day early in his zone. As in, you are going to bring up exclusivity next date but lets make the best of it till you do. At the very very least you are ruining your get together story (but that is just the romantic in me speaking). 5
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I do REALLY like the younger guy. I haven't felt this way about a guy in so long. He's amazing. But I feel like this amount of interest this soon is dangerous, so I'm trying to be realistic and not have any expectations or expect him to want to jump into anything serious with me. Would I stop dating if I knew he liked me? Absolutely. But to shut myself off to the world before knowing if he does seems unwise and that's sorta why I'm asking. Maybe you're right. Maybe I should give the guy moving here a heads up. There you go. Give the guy moving there a heads up so he doesnt think he is walking into a sure bet. Hold out with younger guy until his work stuff slows down and you get to spend more time with him. If it doesnt turn out the way you hope then start dating the other guy.
Dallers Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 At the very very least you are ruining your get together story (but that is just the romantic in me speaking). No that is totally normal, we are just guys who like to focus on being happy with one person and removing anyone else from the equation. You are right though now until you are exclusive you can do what you want. Which is why people are easily caught up with other people while the guy who deserves the attention loses it. Sad what the dating world has become. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Yes, you can see who you want until you talk exclusivity. The guys here are projecting what they would want but you have no obligation while casually dating...this is just the time when you are interviewing guys to see who is compatible. Be honest and open and let them know you are just dating right now, not ready for marriage or a commitment until you get to know them. Casually dating is smart until you know a person. Jumping into commitment before knowing someone is inefficient and illogical. Good luck, Grumps 2
todreaminblue Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I think you misunderstood my post (which is understandable as I'm bad at telling stories in a clear/concise manner! ) The guy I really like is the younger guy who I have gone on three dates with and would love to eventually become exclusive with if things keep progressing. The guy who is moving here is someone I barely know. Just a cute guy from the internet who is moving here. I'm just asking if it's okay to meet up with him and show him around the city since the younger guy and I are not exclusive yet or if that's ****ty? dating others isnt going to make it anymore exclusive....and could actually kill what you have and in the very least confuse you more than you already are,it isnt smart when you already confused to add another guy to the mix.....more guys dont make things better or smarter just more complicated...even fi the guy has the nose of a horse...ok...i get that image......simplify dating...... dating one guy one at a time see it through take the risk of losing out on other dates play it like no plan b.if you truly do liek the guy you are with.....that to me is smart because then its real and important you see it through and look forward to getting to know the guy you supposedly really like.......deb
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Yes, you can see who you want until you talk exclusivity... Casually dating is smart until you know a person. Jumping into commitment before knowing someone is inefficient and illogical. Totally. I wish i had casually dated multiple people years ago and not jumped serially from one relationship to the next. I would have learned a lot of things that would have saved me thousands of dollars, lots of friends, a whole lot of heartache, police involvement and a court battle over paternity and most importantly: my youth. 1
Priv Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Yes, you can see who you want until you talk exclusivity. The guys here are projecting what they would want but you have no obligation while casually dating...this is just the time when you are interviewing guys to see who is compatible. Be honest and open and let them know you are just dating right now, not ready for marriage or a commitment until you get to know them. Casually dating is smart until you know a person. Jumping into commitment before knowing someone is inefficient and illogical. Good luck, Grumps Sorry Grumps, but I am not projecting anything. Abby talks in her posts about how she really likes him, how amazing the dates were, how amazing he is, and how she would like exclusivity. Why potentially ruin that? That is pretty much all I am saying. 4
Priv Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 But I don't come from a multidating backround. That's why I brought up cultural issues. The 'talk' is not something I am familiar with. 1
Grumpybutfun Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Sorry Grumps, but I am not projecting anything. Abby talks in her posts about how she really likes him, how amazing the dates were, how amazing he is, and how she would like exclusivity. Why potentially ruin that? That is pretty much all I am saying. Hi Priv, yes, but if she was sure about him she wouldn't be making this thread. After I met my wife, the exact moment our eyes locked, other women ceased to exist. Surely I'm not the only person in the world who knew there was something amazing so other women weren't feasible for me anymore? Casually dating is how you figure out what or who speaks to your soul. Anything less is settling. Best, Grumps 1
ktya Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 But I don't come from a multidating backround. That's why I brought up cultural issues. The 'talk' is not something I am familiar with. I dont think its cultural. I think its demographics and a rural/urban divide. In a smaller town if a girl multi dates it gets around that shes loose. If a guy mukti dates and it gets around he gets tagged as a player. In a bigger city, anonymity is the default. Also the younger generations are in this hookup culture right now.
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