Boyfriend is scared to settle down.

[acapelo_dp]

But if he wanted you to go live in Europe with him wouldn't he ask you? Wouldn't he say something like 'hey, what do you think about us moving to Europe for a year' 'We should plan for Europe'. Sounds like your asking him to include you then he says well umm yea I want you to go. Once again what do YOU want in life? Are you going to keep putting your dreams aside to follow a man?

 

I definitely don't want to put my dreams aside. My dreams are to finish school and travel, but I want him by my side. He doesn't see it the same way, so I guess that way we aren't compatible.

 

It's hard because I love him a lot. He is my best friend aside from my boyfriend...so saying "just dump him" is way easier said than done. Everytime I ask if he wants to break up he says no way. Or "do you think we should be together?" he says "yes of course, I love you." ugh.

[spiderowl]

What's with all these weak women that let men push them around because 'they are in love'.

 

I think that's harsh. It's not always easy to see the wood for the trees when you are in a relationship. It's especially hard on those who are genuine and want things to work. It's easy to leave a lover if you don't really feel much for them or haven't invested in a relationship.

[hotpotato]

I definitely don't want to put my dreams aside. My dreams are to finish school and travel, but I want him by my side. He doesn't see it the same way, so I guess that way we aren't compatible.

 

It's hard because I love him a lot. He is my best friend aside from my boyfriend...so saying "just dump him" is way easier said than done. Everytime I ask if he wants to break up he says no way. Or "do you think we should be together?" he says "yes of course, I love you." ugh.

 

I hate to be Debbie Downer, but a lot of people will say what you want to hear to keep you around. Some people will keep you around until they find another branch to swing to.

 

You sound like a very kind person, and I think he's taking you for granted. I really applaud you for trying to make it work, but I think you are working too hard and have ended up in a one sided relationship.

 

Leaving him might be hard, but what other alternatives do you have? Stay with him for 5, 10, 15 years until he sees the light?

[Leigh 87]

I wanted to travel more. I am a travel addict.

 

But I am too in love with my boyfriend to go and do my own thing like I had planned.

 

I am working around my hopes and dreams: I'm still doing them but in a way that my bf is comfortable with and is conductive to a healthy relationship. I am saving overseas travel until either he can come on a honey moon overseas after marriage OR I will simply take one last short trip and then call travel quits for now.

 

When you are truly in love in the deepest sense of the word you just don't say the stuff your "boyfriend" is saying.

 

There are different levels of love. For instance, if this man was head over heels in love with you he definitely wouldn't say the things that he said. Yes there are cases of head over heels in love couples simply having different values and goals but it is rare they break up over something like travel.

 

Head over heals in love feels like you would move mountains to try to make things work so you can be with the person you yearn for so badly. Come on now, this boyfriend of yours could very well take you with him.

 

I have never ever ever heard of a head over heals in love man say " of bummer, we'll I insist on travelling with my best mate only and the thought of travelling with you as well in order to ensure a long term future isn't a viable option"

 

He may love you as a person. But he is not crazy about you. At age 24 and after a year together, this man would work his desire to travel around a relationship with you.

 

He isn't madly in love with you. I urge you to find a man who is.

Edited June 23, 2014 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

It was my choice. But it was his choice too, he wanted me to move and I made that choice for myself and to be with him. He said he didn't think of what would happen he just wanted me here. Now I'm here. In the beginning he wanted to live together and move forward, but as soon as his family moved here it was different and he did a 180. He put his family first and I accepted that. And yes I do love him and I invested a lot in this relationship, so I'm not just going to dump him as soon as he says something like this. I want to think it over and see what I want and what he wants as well.

It's not really realistic to say that our relationship won't last, zero chance. We have lasted a year and I didn't think it would even turn out to be this long lasting. We fell in love, that is what he said to me. He didn't think he would but he fell in love with me and wants me by his side but he just wants to have his options open to travel and do whatever with his life. Which is fine, but I'm trying to decide if I'm willing to accept it or not.

 

 

He is not in love with you.

 

The poster kiss _ andmakeup has a fiancé (or now hubby?) who she broke up with because he was fearful of marriage and commitment. He then came back when he realized that she was the love of his life. This is an extremely rare story.

 

Mostly, when a man decides that his goals to travel solo with his buddies takes precedence over your relationship, he is not in love and never will be with the woman in question.

 

When a man is in love......When he cherishes a woman and when he is head over heels for them, he will not let a one in a million woman get away because he wants to travel alone with mates or because he is afraid of settling down.

 

or in kiss_andmakeups case, her partner WAS in love with her and realized as such. He had commitment issues and came running back to her, desperate to do what it took to resolve his issues.

 

Let this man go. He is not in love with you. If he was he could have easily fit you into his plan of travel since you also wish to travel.

[MissBee]

Okay, she didn't say married. But the term " settling down " is pretty specific relating to getting married.

 

No it's not...and she already said that wasn't what she meant, so I don't really think there is much to debate here.

[acapelo_dp]

What more do you want to hear? Grow up.

 

Obviously I want to hear that he sees a future with me which is the whole point of this thread. I'm grown, thanks. No need to be rude.

[acapelo_dp]

He is not in love with you.

 

The poster kiss _ andmakeup has a fiancé (or now hubby?) who she broke up with because he was fearful of marriage and commitment. He then came back when he realized that she was the love of his life. This is an extremely rare story.

 

Mostly, when a man decides that his goals to travel solo with his buddies takes precedence over your relationship, he is not in love and never will be with the woman in question.

 

When a man is in love......When he cherishes a woman and when he is head over heels for them, he will not let a one in a million woman get away because he wants to travel alone with mates or because he is afraid of settling down.

 

or in kiss_andmakeups case, her partner WAS in love with her and realized as such. He had commitment issues and came running back to her, desperate to do what it took to resolve his issues.

 

Let this man go. He is not in love with you. If he was he could have easily fit you into his plan of travel since you also wish to travel.

 

Thanks for your input Leigh. We are having a discussion tomorrow when I go to his place to try and resolve the issue and see if we are going to stay together or not. So I will update how that goes

[acapelo_dp]

I hate to be Debbie Downer, but a lot of people will say what you want to hear to keep you around. Some people will keep you around until they find another branch to swing to.

 

You sound like a very kind person, and I think he's taking you for granted. I really applaud you for trying to make it work, but I think you are working too hard and have ended up in a one sided relationship.

 

Leaving him might be hard, but what other alternatives do you have? Stay with him for 5, 10, 15 years until he sees the light?

 

Thank you

 

I just really don't know what he wants me around for then. Because he is perfectly happy being single and he chooses to be with me for some reason. But I'm going to discuss it more with him tomorrow..

[MCGar]

It's the phrase: He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

In this scenario, it's probably pie. Sounds like he's the type to like pie.

 

I'm not ascribing his emotional intentions. He might not have ANY IDEA that he is doing this. Especially since he gives you such vague answers. Makes me think he does very little probing into his own mindset about his intentions.

 

He wants you at his disposal.

He wants you to have your own interest and life so that you won't cling too much.

He wants to have an open ended carefree adventurous lifestyle for himself where he can pick up and go if the right offer comes along.

He wants to be comfortable and hang with you when he wants.

He wants to keep tabs on you so he can feel good about where you are and if you are ok.

He wants to be the caring fuzzy boyfriend

He wants you to move all the way to him but not follow through on his end of the adjusting of lifestyle

He wants you to stop trying to pin him down on a freaking answer because he doesn't know enough about himself to tell you that he wants all of the above.

He wants to not direct you to stay but he doesn't want to be the one responsible for keeping you there.

He wants you but not the commitment, planning, adjusting, follow-through that goes past keeping his weekends comfortable with his girlfriend.

 

 

He is possibly 14.

 

I know you don't really want to hear the 'break up' refrain. I can't possibly know how much you two love each other.

 

All I can do is give my advice based on what I've gone through and observed.

 

1. THE DATING PERIOD is usually the best you are ever going to get. It get really REAL after that. Even if his behavior does improve a bit, you can't change a person's personality! Can't. Not. Ever. They will revert to baseline personality every time things are rough. It's just natural and the norm. Yes, people CAN grow and mature, BUT it has to come from the inside out. You can't do it for them, prod them into it, or talk them into it. They have to initiate it themselves.

So unless you like him as is, then consider that he might not be for you.

 

2. When I dated my now husband. I did it with the complete understanding (within myself) that I was in a position to completely walk away if I felt I had to compromise myself. We started when I was 26 and we both were upfront about the end goal of exclusivity and marriage. He also dated me willing to walk if he found himself having to compromise himself. And by that I mean, if either one of us had put each other in the position to become someone different to get along, etc. If our relationship in anyway harmed the other person's character, then it just wasn't meant to be.

 

from your descriptions, you started out independent and now, because of him, you have become very dependent based on a very shaky and vague situation. You may feel you aren't dependent on the inside, but your actions are very much so.

 

Move back home, live your life. Life will throw huge challenges at you, you need to have someone at your side that is someone that you don't even have to glance towards to see if he has your back. Believe me, there are alot of really good men that could do that in a heartbeat. (Usually those guys are the ones overlooked while good women try to reform bad guys)

[me85]

Yes you have every right to be upset.

 

I would have a serious serious talk with him immediately, if I were you.

 

I'd have to give the whole, "I think it's for the best if we just go our seperate ways" speech.

 

I'd even move back to where I was before (unless you wanted to stay because you're job was great.)

 

You are 100% wasting your time with this guy.

 

I'm sorry but what you're dealing with isn't right.