central Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 You haven't even been dating for a year, and you want a commitment. No wonder he's hesitant! A year is far too soon to even consider marriage (IMO, two years is the minimum). Give him some space and see what happens. This is a time when you should both be exploring options. If that means pulling back from him to explore your own options while letting him explore his, you may both come to a real understanding or your priorities and how each of you fits with them.
Els Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 You haven't even been dating for a year, and you want a commitment. No wonder he's hesitant! A year is far too soon to even consider marriage (IMO, two years is the minimum). Give him some space and see what happens. This is a time when you should both be exploring options. If that means pulling back from him to explore your own options while letting him explore his, you may both come to a real understanding or your priorities and how each of you fits with them. As a 24 year old male myself, one year of dating is not even close to the amount of time needed for me to decide on settling down or not. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on him to make a life decision that you want, without actually taking into account what he wants. Why do you want to get married at 24??? You two do realize that 'not being ready to marry yet' is a lot different from going on a long-term backpacking trip without inviting your girlfriend who moved across the country to live near you, right? The former is understandable at their age, the latter is just selfish IMO (though of course she should have considered that before moving). 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 If this had been the standard 24 yo relationship, I would probably be on the fence about it, since 24 really is quite young for many people to be settling down. On the other hand you have sacrificed a lot to move to him, which says a lot about your commitment to this R vs his. And you are right to be indignant that he hasn't sacrificed anything or given you any such commitment in reciprocation - though to be fair, if you had wanted to settle down together as a condition for you moving to be with him, you should have discussed that before doing it. It's time to leave, IMO. Maybe take some time to go backpacking and travel in another country yourself, too. In the future, be more assertive about your needs before making such big sacrifices. Just so we are all clear I do NOT want to get married! I have told him this. Marriage scares me. I would just like him to want to be able to live with me in the next two years and he said he doesn't know. That's all I want. I want him to be committed to me enough to at least see me in his future and want me included in his life plans. But that's not happening
Els Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Just so we are all clear I do NOT want to get married! I have told him this. Marriage scares me. I would just like him to want to be able to live with me in the next two years and he said he doesn't know. That's all I want. I want him to be committed to me enough to at least see me in his future and want me included in his life plans. But that's not happening Ah, okay, I understand that. And yes, I agree with your last sentence. The question is: What are you going to do about it?
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Ah, okay, I understand that. And yes, I agree with your last sentence. The question is: What are you going to do about it? I don't know. He has made me so happy up until this weekend. He texts me everyday, makes plans with me every weekend, he is really affectionate and says he loves me so much. He really does care about me. Maybe I am being selfish in holding him back from things he wants to do? Maybe I'm asking too much. I did sacrifice a lot but he did say he hates when he feels like I dislike him for "ruining my life" and leaving my friends. If I break up with him I won't be happy here. I won't be happy back him because he's not there, and it's a small town. I don't know what to do. Maybe see where this relationship goes, but start keeping my options open...
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) Just so we are all clear I do NOT want to get married! I have told him this. Marriage scares me. I would just like him to want to be able to live with me in the next two years and he said he doesn't know. That's all I want. I want him to be committed to me enough to at least see me in his future and want me included in his life plans. But that's not happening You may not want to get married right now, but that's where this is basically going...you've obviously got to take the next step first though, living together then together X amount of years, then you're to expect marriage after that time because you deserve it or what not...this is nothing new, women do this all of the time, it's why they insist so much on "moving forward", it's this eventual process leading up to the inevitable...he doesn't want to take that step because he sees the writing on the wall. What you're going to do is like a lot of women do...simply settle for something else because you can't get what you want....right now...and then try again in the future or until you're done "waiting", then you're going to throw another tantrum and start to pressure him again and start making ultimatums. You'll keep trying until you get what you want or you get dumped most likely, or the minority and actually leave for yourself once you've finally had enough, but I doubt it's time for that yet and the more time you stay and spend then you're going to say "well I invested so much into this so far..." Make your own big girl decisions taking control of your own life, don't be a woman blaming a man for all her problems when they're frankly pretty honest with you as a 24 year old man can possibly be, after all it's not like women are clear in their communication..he's telling you that you can do what you want if that's what you need, go back home...stop trying to twist it in a different way or manipulate the situation, stop trying to guilt him or *gasp* clutch your chest because he's not willing to "stop" you from going back home. Listen to what he's saying and what he wants, he's telling you....stop trying to change it, or just hope something else will happen or change, maybe down the road he'll be interested maybe not...leave, or take responsibility for your own decision to stay, don't twist it around into him being the problem and not doing what you want him to do and make that the problem. Edited June 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Topical content 4
Els Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I don't know. He has made me so happy up until this weekend. He texts me everyday, makes plans with me every weekend, he is really affectionate and says he loves me so much. He really does care about me. Maybe I am being selfish in holding him back from things he wants to do? Maybe I'm asking too much. I did sacrifice a lot but he did say he hates when he feels like I dislike him for "ruining my life" and leaving my friends. No, you're not being selfish. You have the right to want what you want; and trust me, not many people are going to be happy about their partner going backpacking without talking to them about it or inviting them, if they'd just moved across the country to be near to him/her. He's clearly backing out of a lot of things, and you have to decide whether that's okay for you or not. If I break up with him I won't be happy here. I won't be happy back him because he's not there, and it's a small town. I don't know what to do. Maybe see where this relationship goes, but start keeping my options open... Maybe leave him and move somewhere new where you think you have the greatest chance of happiness?
kiss_andmakeup Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I don't think you're wrong for wanting the things you do. But I do think you made the first mistake here, and that was to move across the country for a man after less than a year of dating, with no solid commitment, and no firm idea of where this relationship was headed in the future. When you were planning to move with him, was there any type of discussion about the future of this relationship, living together, etc? It kind of sounds like you did this very haphazardly, which is not faring well for you now. I think you know that you need to leave him. But sadly, I don't think you will. 4
hotpotato Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 So my boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year. I moved to a new city across the county to be with him. I have my own apartment and a full time job, and a small circle of acquaintances. I lived in his apartment for the first three months I moved here and it was wonderful. He then wanted to live together and I was skeptical, and we ended up not doing that because he moved his family (father and two brothers here) due to issues they were having. They now all live together. Basically we had a talk this weekend and he said that he was talking to his best friend and he wants to do a back pack Europe trip next year for a month and a half. This upset me a bit because he has never planned a trip with me, and doesn't get excited about things with me it appears. I have mentioned to him numerous times how fun it would be to go hiking and yet it never happens. Anyways, I basically can't hold him back and he said he wanted to see my reaction since I am an important person in his life. We then discussed our relationship more and he said that he has thought about it and the thought of moving in together and "settling down" scares him and he doesn't want that right now. He wants to be able to go on a trip with his best friend (which he said he wanted to do for awhile now, and doesn't want to do this with a girlfriend). He also said that he wants to be able to move to a different city if he wants, he may want to live in Europe for a year. He doesn't want to have a person be a significant impact in his life if he happens to make these decisions. Basically I am hurt because he did a 180 on me. He is such a wonderful boyfriend. Spends every weekend with me, takes me on dates, tells me how much he loves me etc and wants me in his life but he wants to be able to make other things priority before me whenever they come up in his life. I don't think it's fair. On one hand I don't know what he means by being tied down because I would never hold him back from going on a trip or doing something he wants, I just may not be going with him. I feel like our relationship isn't going to last long term. I feel hurt and like I am wasting my time with him as he doesn't discuss the future and won't. He wants to "see how things go." Do I have a right to be upset? I am mostly upset about what he said about priotity. He said that it's perfectly fine to but things before me whenever they come up in his life. I feel like I will be taking a back seat many times in his life. I made him a priority when I left my job, family and friends to be here for love and it's not what I had hoped....... I can understand why you are upset, but I must ask, was any of this discussed before you moved? I'm not sure if he did a 180. Imo you assumed the relationship was more serious than it really was and moved to be with him. He wants to go traveling with buddies but doesn't want to go hiking with you? Hmm.... Usually, when you move cross country to be with a guy, he's fine with you moving in. I have sacrificed everything. And he doesn't like how sometimes I bring it up and he said that he doesn't like how some days it feels like I dislike him for "ruining my life" he says he is totally in love with me and wants me in his life but wants me to be happy. He wants me to be in this city for other things besides him and when I mention moving back home he says "do what makes you happy. I'd rather you stay but that's your decision to make." It makes me feel like he doesn't care either way. It hurts. I have become independent -I got a job before even moving here, I have my own apartment, and I have made a small group of friends. I've become friend with his friends and I've met his family and even though he put them before me for a long time I accepted them as my family away from home. I just want to start planning things without him and it makes me not want to spend time with him cause it feels like , what's the point? He wouldn't mind of I didn't spend time with him either way it feels like. It sounds like you thought that if you did X he would do Y, and he resents that. Iiii moved to be with you, now commit to me! It sounds like a transaction or maybe passive aggressive. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are a placeholder for him. You correctly suspect he doesn't care either way if you spend time without him. That being said, I do think you should do things on your own. You dont have to be around him all the time. It sounds like he's the focal point of your life. I don't know. He has made me so happy up until this weekend. He texts me everyday, makes plans with me every weekend, he is really affectionate and says he loves me so much. He really does care about me. Maybe I am being selfish in holding him back from things he wants to do? Maybe I'm asking too much. I did sacrifice a lot but he did say he hates when he feels like I dislike him for "ruining my life" and leaving my friends. If I break up with him I won't be happy here. I won't be happy back him because he's not there, and it's a small town. I don't know what to do. Maybe see where this relationship goes, but start keeping my options open... You won't be happy at your current residence, won't be happy back home, is there any other place you'd be willing go? 1
hotpotato Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) You'll keep trying until you get what you want or you get dumped most likely, or the minority and actually leave for yourself once you've finally had enough, but I doubt it's time for that yet and the more time you stay and spend then you're going to say "well I invested so much into this so far..." Exactly. I hope that she does make a stink about commitment. Maybe that will make the relationship end sooner instead of the worse case scenario-her spending years and years with him, no commitment, she's bitter, then he leaves and marries someone else. I could have been in a similar situation. My soon-to-be ex had moved cross country. He wanted me to follow him. I would have had to live in an expensive metro area I didn't like. H didn't offer me a ring or any kind of solid commitment. I just didn't move in with him, and I am glad I didn't because he dumped me for someone else. I simply told him what the problem was, and the relationship started fading. I didn't force the issue or offer an ultimatum. My philosophy is that I shouldn't have to bring it up. If a guy wants to commit, it's obvious. The writing is always on the wall, but sometimes we try to see things that aren't there. If I had moved in with him, I would have been stuck in some city very foreign to me and trying to find my way home. Edited June 23, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 It's also irritating because lastnight he sent me three texts because I didn't answer. I was working until 10:30pm then he blows up my phone saying he was worried about me taking the bus alone at night. Thoughtful as it is, I transit alone all the time. He tells me to be more independent and have my own life and when I try he texts me all the time: I just told him I needed some space for awhile and he said okay if that's what you need. So I'm going to spend a few days thinking about things.
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Please, don't play the martyr card at your age...' I did this for him? I sacrificed....whatever.' You are an adult. This was YOUR choice. He's 24. Too young to be stifled in life. He has been honest. Accept it or move on. If you see yourself in this role 'forever' then just accept it. If not, move on. Be an adult. The odds of the two of you having a long lasting relationship is about zero. Anyways. You are going to hang around and get more frustrated. You'll come up with more and more excuses to stick in there....but I love him and he....blah, blah, blah...'. It was my choice. But it was his choice too, he wanted me to move and I made that choice for myself and to be with him. He said he didn't think of what would happen he just wanted me here. Now I'm here. In the beginning he wanted to live together and move forward, but as soon as his family moved here it was different and he did a 180. He put his family first and I accepted that. And yes I do love him and I invested a lot in this relationship, so I'm not just going to dump him as soon as he says something like this. I want to think it over and see what I want and what he wants as well. It's not really realistic to say that our relationship won't last, zero chance. We have lasted a year and I didn't think it would even turn out to be this long lasting. We fell in love, that is what he said to me. He didn't think he would but he fell in love with me and wants me by his side but he just wants to have his options open to travel and do whatever with his life. Which is fine, but I'm trying to decide if I'm willing to accept it or not.
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 I don't think you're wrong for wanting the things you do. But I do think you made the first mistake here, and that was to move across the country for a man after less than a year of dating, with no solid commitment, and no firm idea of where this relationship was headed in the future. When you were planning to move with him, was there any type of discussion about the future of this relationship, living together, etc? It kind of sounds like you did this very haphazardly, which is not faring well for you now. I think you know that you need to leave him. But sadly, I don't think you will. Yes, I moved without even thinking it through. I had visited him for a week and we seemed to get along really well, I was really into him and he was into me. I moved to start a life here and see where we would go. I didn't even think we would be in a relationship the way we are. We are really close and have lasted this long...so in my mind it's meant to be for the moment. I know that I need space from him and to think. I need to build MY own life here. I need to stop relying on him for support and things to do. I don't want to break up with him. I have never been more in love with someone, sadly. Is it worth it to break up, even if he treats me so well and shows me so much love? I don;t know.
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 I can understand why you are upset, but I must ask, was any of this discussed before you moved? I'm not sure if he did a 180. Imo you assumed the relationship was more serious than it really was and moved to be with him. He wants to go traveling with buddies but doesn't want to go hiking with you? Hmm.... Usually, when you move cross country to be with a guy, he's fine with you moving in. It sounds like you thought that if you did X he would do Y, and he resents that. Iiii moved to be with you, now commit to me! It sounds like a transaction or maybe passive aggressive. I'm sorry, but it sounds like you are a placeholder for him. You correctly suspect he doesn't care either way if you spend time without him. That being said, I do think you should do things on your own. You dont have to be around him all the time. It sounds like he's the focal point of your life. You won't be happy at your current residence, won't be happy back home, is there any other place you'd be willing go? Nothing was really discussed before I moved. I was looking at apartments and found a female roommate but last minute he decided it would be best if I stayed with him. So I lived with him for three months and it went really well. It's when I moved out on my own and he moved his family in when we began having some issues, mainly him not making me a priority. He is the focal point of my life right now and I don't like it at all. Before I moved I was single and happy, doing things I liked doing and being with my friends. Now I don't have a close circle of friends, but he does. So he doesn't exactly understand what I am going through right now. When I bring up maybe taking a break or breaking up he gets sad. He said he does not want to break up. When I mention moving back home he says "do what makes you happy, but you have me here..." I don't understand what he wants. He loves loves hiking and we did it last year. He did it a lot last year. He has even turned down hiking with his usual hiking buddies, not just with me. He doesn't seem motivated to do anything. He does the same things every weekend and most of the time I am kind of bored doing the things he wants to do all the time...
HappyLove Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Sounds like A LOT of your life revolves around this relationship. You need to sit and think about yourself! How comes you don't have any goals to where you want to make a life for yourself? There should be a bunch of things that you want to achieve in your life for YOURSELF! You don't even like where you're living it sounds like. It's all for this guy who's not even as committed as you. You don't want to go back to your small town. Time to start putting pen to paper and figure out where you would like to live. What are YOUR goals and dreams?
HappyLove Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 Yes, I moved without even thinking it through. I had visited him for a week and we seemed to get along really well, I was really into him and he was into me. I moved to start a life here and see where we would go. I didn't even think we would be in a relationship the way we are. We are really close and have lasted this long...so in my mind it's meant to be for the moment. I know that I need space from him and to think. I need to build MY own life here. I need to stop relying on him for support and things to do. I don't want to break up with him. I have never been more in love with someone, sadly. Is it worth it to break up, even if he treats me so well and shows me so much love? I don;t know. Was this an online relationship and you up and moved?
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Sounds like A LOT of your life revolves around this relationship. You need to sit and think about yourself! How comes you don't have any goals to where you want to make a life for yourself? There should be a bunch of things that you want to achieve in your life for YOURSELF! You don't even like where you're living it sounds like. It's all for this guy who's not even as committed as you. You don't want to go back to your small town. Time to start putting pen to paper and figure out where you would like to live. What are YOUR goals and dreams? I do have goals and dreams, I have discussed them with him as well. I want to go back to school next year and finish a degree in social work (right now I have a psychology degree). I like my job but I want to be able to help people more. That is one of my goals. I would also like to travel more, and he knows this as well. I just would like to travel with him and he has other plans. So maybe I will plan a trip with someone else next year. 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Was this an online relationship and you up and moved? I came to this city to visit a friend and I met him here. He got my number and we texted for five months, then I came back for a week for a visit. Then two months later I moved here. So not quite online, we had met in person. We actually have quite a few mutual friends. We went to the same university but didn't know each other then.
HappyLove Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 I do have goals and dreams, I have discussed them with him as well. I want to go back to school next year and finish a degree in social work (right now I have a psychology degree). I like my job but I want to be able to help people more. That is one of my goals. I would also like to travel more, and he knows this as well. I just would like to travel with him and he has other plans. So maybe I will plan a trip with someone else next year. Time to start living your dreams and doing things for yourself with or without him. Don't hold yourself back for someone who says 'do what you like' I mean he's certainly not fighting for you.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 So, if I understand correctly, you'd barely spent any time together in person and had no discussions about the future before you moved to be with him. I guess you see now how short-sighted that was. It sounds as though you had and still have very different expectations of this relationship. In fact, he actually told you he didn't think about what would happen. He just wanted you there. This was your first major indication that he's a "live-for-the-moment" kind of guy, not necessarily looking for a future. OP, what are you hopes for this relationship at this point? For example, where would you hope to be with him in a year? if it's vastly different from his views, then you really need to re-consider what the shelf-life of your relationship is.
MissBee Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) So my boyfriend and I have been dating nearly a year. I moved to a new city across the county to be with him. I have my own apartment and a full time job, and a small circle of acquaintances. I lived in his apartment for the first three months I moved here and it was wonderful. He then wanted to live together and I was skeptical, and we ended up not doing that because he moved his family (father and two brothers here) due to issues they were having. They now all live together. Basically we had a talk this weekend and he said that he was talking to his best friend and he wants to do a back pack Europe trip next year for a month and a half. This upset me a bit because he has never planned a trip with me, and doesn't get excited about things with me it appears. I have mentioned to him numerous times how fun it would be to go hiking and yet it never happens. Anyways, I basically can't hold him back and he said he wanted to see my reaction since I am an important person in his life. We then discussed our relationship more and he said that he has thought about it and the thought of moving in together and "settling down" scares him and he doesn't want that right now. He wants to be able to go on a trip with his best friend (which he said he wanted to do for awhile now, and doesn't want to do this with a girlfriend). He also said that he wants to be able to move to a different city if he wants, he may want to live in Europe for a year. He doesn't want to have a person be a significant impact in his life if he happens to make these decisions. Basically I am hurt because he did a 180 on me. He is such a wonderful boyfriend. Spends every weekend with me, takes me on dates, tells me how much he loves me etc and wants me in his life but he wants to be able to make other things priority before me whenever they come up in his life. I don't think it's fair. On one hand I don't know what he means by being tied down because I would never hold him back from going on a trip or doing something he wants, I just may not be going with him. I feel like our relationship isn't going to last long term. I feel hurt and like I am wasting my time with him as he doesn't discuss the future and won't. He wants to "see how things go." Do I have a right to be upset? I am mostly upset about what he said about priotity. He said that it's perfectly fine to but things before me whenever they come up in his life. I feel like I will be taking a back seat many times in his life. I made him a priority when I left my job, family and friends to be here for love and it's not what I had hoped....... Yes you have a right to be upset, although to be honest I find many women too quick to up and move and rearrange their lives for a man who hasn't made ANY kind of serious commitment to them. Frankly, unless a man has proposed to me and we're planning on marrying I absolutely would NOT move across country, leave my job, my family or friends to be with him...on the promise of what? Nothing....no! It seems men hardly ever do this and women resent them for it, but it makes sense that especially if your relationship isn't a marriage or isn't at that level of commitment like you are engaged or even living together that you should NOT make life altering decisions based on it. It seems like your boyfriend has never promised a future. When you moved and all this it wasn't even like you moved in together or anything...it seems you moved on your own volition and less so because he encouraged it or committed to you. The talk your bf has IMO is a "break-up talk" he pretty much has told you that he has no clue what he wants and could move to Europe for a year or do anything under the sun that doesn't include you and he doesn't want to have to think about your feelings. If my bf told me this I would break up with him as that is NOT a relationship with any kind of future. My bf and I haven't been together a year but he's buying a house and making career decisions and thinking about my future career possibilities and factors me in...that makes me know I am a priority and that he sees me in his future so if he's making plans he will consider how they will affect me. I don't at all expect this from him as we're not a super established couple, but the fact that he does so freely says a lot. Your bf though is doing the complete opposite. I had a guy who I was casually seeing say similar things when I talked to him about where he saw us and pretty much his answer was that he wasn't ready to settle down, he is on the road a lot, he may up and move to a different country, wasn't sure if America was for him and the list of excuses continued....I ended things. Then and there I realized he was not serious about me and he didn't see me as a priority. You can't make your bf prioritize you. You're not actually holding him back in terms of your actions but he is clear that basically he doesn't want to act like a committed man with you, i.e. take you with him, actually care about your feelings and opinions, actually be around and not maybe go live on another continent for a year etc. Everything he is saying is that he cannot promise you anything and he wants to be free to be single and do whatever without having to answer to you or anyone. And please don't convince yourself that this is okay and if you just "don't bother him" and "allow" him to do this things will be fine. A man who loves you and sees a future with you would NEVER say these things and a year is PLENTY of time for a man to either be in love with you and see you in his future or for him not to, and if you're together for a year and he's talking like this, trust and believe that it only goes downhill and he won't wake up one day and all of a sudden value you or want to settle down with you. It sucks but better to cut your losses and move on to a relationship where you're valued and where you're a priority...as maybe he liked you well enough and found you good enough to be with for now but clearly doesn't see you as someone he wants a life with and he is clearly not afraid to lose you. Edited June 23, 2014 by MissBee 2
MissBee Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 (edited) As a 24 year old male myself, one year of dating is not even close to the amount of time needed for me to decide on settling down or not. I think you are putting a lot of pressure on him to make a life decision that you want, without actually taking into account what he wants. Why do you want to get married at 24??? She said nothing about getting married....where did she say this? One year is plenty of time to know if you see a future with someone or you don't. It doesn't mean you need to get married immediately but you do know if a relationship is worth an investment or to cut your losses after 12 months. This man basically wants to be a rolling stone and is telling her he could just up and go to Europe, a different city or anything else and her thoughts and feelings don't count. I'm sorry but after a year of being with someone, if you value them or see a future with them their thoughts and feelings should count and it's something AUTOMATIC. You either feel like you are in love and don't want to lose the person and want to keep them and do things with them and be with them OR you don't. At 24 or 17 you know how this feels, even if you aren't planning to marry, you still can't help but want to spend time with this person and include them when you have fallen for them. He plans elaborate month long overseas trips with friends and prioritizes his buddies and seems excited to be with them but not his gf...that is a HUGE problem! These are the things she's complaining about and these are the clues that you're wasting your time with someone who doesn't give all that much craps about you. A year is PLENTY of time for a man to either be in love with you and excited to go places with you and plan you into his life OR for him to realize he is lukewarm and could care less...this guy is clearly in the latter category. Lots of 24 year olds have relationships where they are not getting married right now but are mature enough and actually care enough to include their SO in on important things or to see some kind of future there. Point is: he has told her point blank she isn't his priority. And if he is "too young" and doesn't want to commit, that's totally fine, but they want different things and should part ways. He isn't wrong for wanting to spread his wings and she isn't wrong for expecting to be prioritized as his gf...if he can't give her that then she should move on as plenty other people can. Edited June 23, 2014 by MissBee 1
Author acapelo_dp Posted June 23, 2014 Author Posted June 23, 2014 Thanks for the replies. It's just strange because he says "I want to move in with you, I just can't tell you when you give you a timeline." "I want you with me in the future, I just would like to live somewhere else and travel." Then I ask him if he ever moves, say to Europe for a year, if he would want me to come and he said "Well yeah I would want you to come with me." Like...okay, so I have to uproot my life everytime YOU want to do something in your life? I can say with confidence he would not do the same for me. I am really conflicted right now.
HappyLove Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 But if he wanted you to go live in Europe with him wouldn't he ask you? Wouldn't he say something like 'hey, what do you think about us moving to Europe for a year' 'We should plan for Europe'. Sounds like your asking him to include you then he says well umm yea I want you to go. Once again what do YOU want in life? Are you going to keep putting your dreams aside to follow a man? 1
Keenly Posted June 23, 2014 Posted June 23, 2014 She said nothing about getting married....where did she say this? One year is plenty of time to know if you see a future with someone or you don't. It doesn't mean you need to get married immediately but you do know if a relationship is worth an investment or to cut your losses after 12 months. This man basically wants to be a rolling stone and is telling her he could just up and go to Europe, a different city or anything else and her thoughts and feelings don't count. I'm sorry but after a year of being with someone, if you value them or see a future with them their thoughts and feelings should count and it's something AUTOMATIC. You either feel like you are in love and don't want to lose the person and want to keep them and do things with them and be with them OR you don't. At 24 or 17 you know how this feels, even if you aren't planning to marry, you still can't help but want to spend time with this person and include them when you have fallen for them. He plans elaborate month long overseas trips with friends and prioritizes his buddies and seems excited to be with them but not his gf...that is a HUGE problem! These are the things she's complaining about and these are the clues that you're wasting your time with someone who doesn't give all that much craps about you. A year is PLENTY of time for a man to either be in love with you and excited to go places with you and plan you into his life OR for him to realize he is lukewarm and could care less...this guy is clearly in the latter category. Lots of 24 year olds have relationships where they are not getting married right now but are mature enough and actually care enough to include their SO in on important things or to see some kind of future there. Point is: he has told her point blank she isn't his priority. And if he is "too young" and doesn't want to commit, that's totally fine, but they want different things and should part ways. He isn't wrong for wanting to spread his wings and she isn't wrong for expecting to be prioritized as his gf...if he can't give her that then she should move on as plenty other people can. Okay, she didn't say married. But the term " settling down " is pretty specific relating to getting married.
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