audreysrose Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 (edited) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/435331-eight-months-later-why-does-my-ex-still-hate-me It's been a while and some things have changed. I would appreciate a little advice. After dating for over a year, my ex finally broke up with my "best friend" who he left me for. I'd heard for the last several months that they'd been having problems and that she was treating him bad, flirting with other guys, and overall driving him crazy. As I mentioned in my original post, this girl has the exact opposite qualities of what he wants in someone. I heard through mutual friends that he finally reached his breaking point. He was fed up with her flirting and ended it for good. He said dating her was a mistake. It's also gotten back to me that she is now desperately trying to reconcile with him, making promises that she will change and things will be different. She has been calling, texting, telling him to come over because she's lonely, etc. Whenever he's around she corners him to try and make him talk to her. She tries to dress all sexy to get his attention. And I do see him looking at her so maybe it's working. As for me, I never did those things. In the initial week or so after our breakup I did try to get him back. But I eventually accepted the fact that he no longer wanted me and left him alone, even though I saw him at church every week with his girlfriend and it almost killed me inside. I did all the things I read about on here. I spent time with friends and started taking care of myself. I lost nearly 70 lbs in the year or so since our breakup. And I know he's noticed. As soon as I walk in the room I feel his eyes on me. He comes to church less. I guess it's probably awkward seeing 2 ex-girlfriends now. When he does go he still glares at me. One of my friends said he was recently asking about me. How I'm doing, if I'm dating anyone (I'm not), etc. But he also badmouthed me and got annoyed when my friend defended me. Why does he even feel the need to talk about me at all? And I'm stupid. You don't have to tell me, I know. I still have feelings for him. Dumped over a year ago and I still would run to him if I had the chance. But I never act like that. When he's around I smile and laugh with my friends, pretending he doesn't exist when in reality I couldn't possibly be more aware of his presence. I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it normal to be stuck on someone like this? I know he's my first love and all, but I can't seem to get interested in any other guys. My blood boils when I see his ex talking to him. I'm scared he's going to get back with her and I'll have to go through all that pain again. I put on a brave face but the truth is I'm pathetic. I miss him like crazy and I feel like a loser for it. Please be kind. Edited June 22, 2014 by audreysrose
elseaacych Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Be patient with yourself. Honestly, I think you've just subconsciously been waiting for this "rebound" to fail. (which is why you've been closed off emotionally to other options-because you've been unable to move on.), And now that the rebound has failed, you have no idea what to do. Now is his chance to make his move. If he has no intention of making his move, you will know soon enough. If he doesn't, you have to let yourself move on. Go through the grieving process, knock him off his pedestal, go full NC. Stop caring about what he's up to, because he obviously has showed he doesn't care about you. Even if he does make a move, you are still hurt from the last relationship and will likely be unable to reconcile your feelings in order to reconcile with him. Move on, you can do it.
Author audreysrose Posted June 24, 2014 Author Posted June 24, 2014 That makes a lot of sense actually. I think I have been hoping it would fail at some point even though I was trying to focus on myself. I just want to reach out to him so bad but I know I shouldn't.
Elle1975 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 Grats on losing 70 pounds!!!! My advice? Lose more if you feel you need to, and date a guy who will not dump your for a friend. I am realy impressed by your will power. It would have been easy to eat all kind of junk food after your break up. That's awesome!
Bumpin in My Trunk Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 He probably wants you back and is thinking about it. I guess the time for him came when he decides whether he wants to try with you again. But like most people here say, if your ex wants you, he will, let you know. You will just have to wait. And most likely you shouldn't take him back. Unless he's reeaaaally trying hard to show you that he regrets it and genuinely wants to be with you.
Author audreysrose Posted June 25, 2014 Author Posted June 25, 2014 You know I always heard that people gorge on junk food and stuff when they go trough a breakup but I never did that. This was my first time and I was so devastated that just the sight of food made me nauseous. I couldn't eat for a few weeks and one of my friends gave me a bunch of protein shakes so I wouldn't get sick. Eventually I started exercising and eating better because it made me feel good and when I started to look good I felt even better. Yes I guess I have to be patient and see what he does. I know I can't wait forever. I don't even understand why I can't get over him. I should hate him but I can't. I almost wonder though. With someone like my ex who is insecure and feels unworthy of me to start with did I make things worse? I never let him see how much I was suffering. What if he wants to be with me but feels like I'm so much better without him that he stays away??
elseaacych Posted June 25, 2014 Posted June 25, 2014 What if he wants to be with me but feels like I'm so much better without him that he stays away?? Someone who dumps you for your best friend isn't likely to have conscientiousness to think like that. There's also no way you can answer that question. I would suggest that you ask yourself questions you can answer: why, after all of this time, you have chosen to wait for someone who was inconsiderate and unkind. Why would you wait on someone who has chosen to leave you, knows he can leave you, and continues to stay away regardless of how awesome you are. (Hello! You have some amazing willpower! Not everyone can turn a breakup into a seventy pound weight loss.) It may seem hard and scary to ask yourself these questions, but you may be surprised by the answers and inspired to do something you never thought you could do.
Author audreysrose Posted July 9, 2014 Author Posted July 9, 2014 I need some serious help. I'm driving myself crazy. I always thought I was following no contact because I didn't talk to him at all even though I saw him at church every week. Now he doesn't go so I don't see him at all and it's making me crazy! I have NO idea what he's up to. My mind is running wild imagining he's back with his ex or that he has someone new. I was doing so well the entire year after we broke up and now my willpower is dying and I want to text him so bad but I know I can't. I'm so mad at myself because I thought I was doing better. I'm surprised I'm reacting this way because I know it's better to not see him at all than to see him with her.
exhausted1 Posted July 9, 2014 Posted July 9, 2014 Your take on no contact is still focused primarily on him and what he is doing and what not. You were still able to keep tabs on him, intentional or not. This should be your time. You need to work to a point where you should not care if he gets back with this girl or not. In fact, if they get back together, it might be the best thing for you. I know it's hard and it sucks but know that you're not unique to these feelings. That's why a lot of us are here on LS.
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