The killing words Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 So I have broken up from my Fiancé for a month now. She dumped me. No Issues with us, we were perfect she says, it was my kids. For the first 3 weeks we have been in contact. I have not initiated it, she kept finding things of mine at her place LOL. Skip forward to father's day she texts me "Happy Fathers day!!" I didn't respond until the next day. We had conversation and I told her not to keep contacting me because I am hurt. I told her just because she doesn't hurt its not alright. She said she does hurt, its just part of the process. I said the difference is I miss us and she doesn't. She texted back "Us...it could happen". So I didn't respond for a 1/2 an hour because I thought it was a typo, I thought she meant to put couldn't. I asked what she meant, and she said never mind. "just leave it alone please!" So after 3 days of NC, I was exercising at local park and low and behold she was there. She never comes to that park. She was with her son and another kid. My heart dropped because I though it was a boyfriends kid ( I don't know if she is even dating anyone). So I texted her and asked her pointedly is that your boyfriends son. She responded but not about my question. So I called. I was curious dammit LOL . She said no, you shouldn't assume. She then had to get off the phone cause her son needed something, she said she will call me right back. I texted her back and said "it's ok, I have to leave, spend time with your son and we will talk some other day". She responded "seriously let's do it" I texted her" if you are still at the park I will wave as I go by". She was. I decided to stop by.. She was looking for me to go by. I walked up and she told me to go. So I walked away. She then called me right after and explained that she didn't want her son to see me (we were close) She said we can talk, hug or whatever later???? I also asked if it was a typo and she said no. I just don't know what to think of it. What do you guys think? BTW She says she is not over me.
zen2475 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I think you both need some time and space apart to figure out what you really want. There was a reason you both broke up, and trying to reconcile now would be premature. Reconciliation is possible, but it takes time and space to heal and reflect on what happened in the relationship (or not), what your respective short comings were in the relationship, and what can be done to repair that and develop a stronger, new relationship with that person. I genuinely feel she misses you, and of course she would. However, you need to protect yourself, step back and heal. Now is not the time to force anything, and rehashing what you both know went wrong doesn't help anything. Go NC for a while and reflect. You can tell her you would like to speak with her, but right now you need time and space to heal and think, and that you hope sometime in the future you can talk.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I think you need to stop talking to her and you need to stop responding to her. Absolutely nothing positive will come if you continue your current path. 1
Author The killing words Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 Simon you seem really bitter. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but I don't know
Author The killing words Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 I think you both need some time and space apart to figure out what you really want. There was a reason you both broke up, and trying to reconcile now would be premature. Reconciliation is possible, but it takes time and space to heal and reflect on what happened in the relationship (or not), what your respective short comings were in the relationship, and what can be done to repair that and develop a stronger, new relationship with that person. I genuinely feel she misses you, and of course she would. However, you need to protect yourself, step back and heal. Now is not the time to force anything, and rehashing what you both know went wrong doesn't help anything. Go NC for a while and reflect. You can tell her you would like to speak with her, but right now you need time and space to heal and think, and that you hope sometime in the future you can talk. Thanks Zen I appreciate it
Simon Phoenix Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Simon you seem really bitter. Maybe I'm reading it wrong but I don't know Definitely not bitter. Just direct. Staying in contact and trying to play the guessing game is a express train to confusion and anxiety and paranoia and pain. Staying in contact like you are is the worst thing you can do short of stalking and begging. Go NC to get yourself under control and get your thoughts back to you instead of trying to guess what's going on with her, which is one of the most useless enterprises on Earth. But yeah, I'm not bitter. Just trying to keep you from going down the wrong path. 2
Author The killing words Posted June 21, 2014 Author Posted June 21, 2014 I understand what you are saying but she's contacting me. Since we broke up. This is the first that I contacted her.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 I understand what you are saying but she's contacting me. Since we broke up. This is the first that I contacted her. That doesn't matter. You still shouldn't be responding.
ponchsox Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Sometimes you just have to man the #$&@ up and not care.
Author The killing words Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Sometimes you just have to man the #$&@ up and not care. Ya I guess it worked for you that's why your on here
JahnJahn Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Ya I guess it worked for you that's why your on here What are you looking for exactly? Do you want people to tell you to keep pursuing her and its a good idea to play the guessing game? People here actually care enough and attempt to lessen your/our pain. When people suggest NC and cutting her off, it may be difficult at first but you will eventually start seeing things for what they truly are. Your case is not special, people here have gone through the same things and that is why most people advocate NC because they are tired of seeing people hurt and refuse to live their lives. Some are direct and some try to take you through a process, but the end result would be to take care and love yourself and NC is easily the best option for you. Even if she contacts you, do not contact her back. Nothing she has to say is worth your time (at least for now). If she says she misses you, it means absolutely nothing. If she says she cares about you, it means absolutely nothing. It will not help you heal and it will keep you on a string that gets reinforced every time you engage her. Trust me, a lot of us still love our ex's and have the urge to contact them etc but we know nothing will come out of it. We all make the mistake in thinking our emotional decisions are right. NC is hard, very hard, especially if you cared deeply for someone, but breaking NC before you feel like you are ready for whatever they say to you and not care or wonder what they mean etc (the guessing game) will just damage you emotionally. At the end of the day, it boils down to how much you care for yourself. Nothing anyone here says will stop you from doing what you have already decided. It is only when you want to love yourself and take care of yourself will you actually act on the advice given. You are advised to go NC and cut her off for as long as you need to heal, If you choose not to, then that is all up to you and your sanity. 1
Author The killing words Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 I was just trying to get an opinion other than N/C. they should just call it the n/c freakin board. One of the other members said something different. Not just go N/C. I understand that I have to let go. I was just being human and wanted to understand the thinking behind it. That's exactly it.
Author The killing words Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Oh the opinion doesn't have to be she loves you and you will get back together next week That's not what I want to hear and I know its not true. What I would like to hear is give it time, give her space she is contemplating something. She wants to talk but is scared... or whatever. To suggest I don't love myself is effed up.
JahnJahn Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Oh the opinion doesn't have to be she loves you and you will get back together next week That's not what I want to hear and I know its not true. What I would like to hear is give it time, give her space she is contemplating something. She wants to talk but is scared... or whatever. To suggest I don't love myself is effed up. And what do you think NC is? If you already know what you want to hear then you do not need outside opinions. What else is there to do? There is actually nothing else you can do other than let go. If you wish to go LC, then do that. But that is going to cause you more confusion than anything else. She will keep on manipulating and sending breadcrumbs your way until she reaches the point where she has found true happiness and does not need to string you along. Contacting her when she sends you breadcrumbs is not giving it time nor her contemplating anything positive. If you feel she needs space, give her exactly that and dont contact her until you are at a stage when anything she tells you will have minimal to no effect on your happiness (then you can contact her then if you want). 2
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Oh the opinion doesn't have to be she loves you and you will get back together next week That's not what I want to hear and I know its not true. What I would like to hear is give it time, give her space she is contemplating something. She wants to talk but is scared... or whatever. To suggest I don't love myself is effed up. What's the point of coming to an advice website if you only want to hear a certain thing? Seems kind of pointless to me. I just don't get the point of people coming to sites like this when they are close-minded to everything but what they want to hear. NC isn't advised because we are lazy. It isn't advised because we don't like you. It's advised because 99 percent of the time, it's the best option. If you want to charge ahead without a helmet in an NFL game, that's your perogative, but don't get upset when people tell you that's foolish. If you want people to blow sunshine up your ass, you aren't going to get that here. But if that's all you are looking for, you are cheating yourself and subjecting yourself to unnecessary pain and anguish. Ultimately though, it's up to you. 1
Author The killing words Posted June 22, 2014 Author Posted June 22, 2014 Again its not that I want sunshine blown up my ass (unless it was some hot bathing suit model) just wanted different opinions. Different points of view. I'm not upset. Not at all. I put it out there so I expect feedback whether I agree or disagree. I put it out there for critique I own that. Thanks for your input!
Simon Phoenix Posted June 22, 2014 Posted June 22, 2014 Again its not that I want sunshine blown up my ass (unless it was some hot bathing suit model) just wanted different opinions. Different points of view. I'm not upset. Not at all. I put it out there so I expect feedback whether I agree or disagree. I put it out there for critique I own that. Thanks for your input! Sometimes people agree. Demanding different opinions seems pointless to me -- if everyone is spouting off similar opinions, that should be telling. Other perspectives that come naturally are good, but demanding them defeats the purpose. Either way, I think you need to detach from your ex and get your head straight. That means not initiating contact and not responding to her contact. I think this would be the best way to go to get you where you need to be, but ultimately, it's up to you and how much anguish you want to go through in this situation. 1
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