pink55 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I'm a 22 year old female, and I'm not sure why I behave this way. I've been in 3 serious relationships, and other than that I've spoken to numerous guys romantically but it never led to something serious (at least from my side). I find that I get this thrill out of making men fall in love with me - but once they do, the thought of them starts to disgust me - whether I'm in a serious relationship with them or not. At first, I thought this behavior was only limited to guys I was NOT serious about... but I've noticed a trend in my 3 serious relationships. I genuinely feel like the guy I'm dating is the one for probably a year. During that year, the guy isn't exactly head over heels for me. However, as soon as the guy starts to express how madly in love he is with me, how much he needs me, and how important I am to him - I become extremely cold and weirded out. I get to the point where I think about all the times I've been intimate with them, and it REALLY disgusts me. I think to myself.. How did I end up with this guy !? How did I think this guy was so perfect?! He's so average like everyone else. When I get into this phase, I start thinking about other guys. Either guys in the past I've been with or other guys in the present. I always chalked up my behavior as "oh I havn't found the one yet" - but in the relationship I am in right now, I REALLY believe he IS the one. Yet! Here I am again.. Feeling utterly disgusted at myself for settling with yet another "average" guy who at first seemed like a good catch, but now is boring me to death with his expression of love and neediness. I know this sounds horrible. And I understand that I have a serious problem... I want to fix it before I break anymore hearts.
giblesp Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Glad that you're aware you have a problem. I've met women who go through their whole lives treating men badly. Whereas unbalanced men use women for sex, I've seen unbalanced women use men for emotional validation and then as an emotional toilet. Speaking from experience on this one. Be single and so some self work, see where this pattern is coming from. Consider therapy. No one deserves to have their heart cut out, and you have done some heart cutting young lady. 1
Jethro Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Do you have any mental illness? I'm not trying to offend, and I may be completely off base, but what you are explaining can be characteristic of borderline personality disorders and narcissism as well as other mental illnesses. I'm not trying to scare you, but I lived a lifetime with a woman who had these issues and they use love as a tool to feed their egos and illnesses. 1
ktya Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I was with a borderline personality girl. She struggled with similar issues. The moment she gave a damn she pushed me away. The tail end of what should have been a very romantic vacation she got angry with me for practically no reason. Then when id back off she would cry. I recall her saying to herself, "why is this happening its so soon this time"
Author pink55 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Glad that you're aware you have a problem. I've met women who go through their whole lives treating men badly. Whereas unbalanced men use women for sex, I've seen unbalanced women use men for emotional validation and then as an emotional toilet. Speaking from experience on this one. Be single and so some self work, see where this pattern is coming from. Consider therapy. No one deserves to have their heart cut out, and you have done some heart cutting young lady. I agree. I have used men only to feel better about myself - and once I feel like they've stroked my ego enough... I tend to move on to something bigger and better. However, I really don't know what causes me to be this way. I feel guilty, unstable and depressed.
Grumpybutfun Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Believe it or not you are just like Groucho Marxx......please accept my resignation,as I don't want to belong to any club that will have me. In other words, there is something about how you have been unable to bond with your father or even mother and you have poor self esteem so you can't attach out of fear that you are attaching to someone who isn't good enough in general if they would be with you and love you. You believe deep down that you don't deserve anything good so you make those who love you into ordinary and talk yourself into believing you are settling because anyone worthy wouldn't be that interested in you. This is about you and your ideas you have about yourself. Might be a good idea to talk to a therapist about attachment and bonding issues and work on your self esteem and self-worth. Do not start anymore new relationships until you get a handle on your self doubts and self loathing. Best, Grumps 5
Author pink55 Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 Do you have any mental illness? I'm not trying to offend, and I may be completely off base, but what you are explaining can be characteristic of borderline personality disorders and narcissism as well as other mental illnesses. I'm not trying to scare you, but I lived a lifetime with a woman who had these issues and they use love as a tool to feed their egos and illnesses. I havn't been diagnosed with anything. I don't think I'm narcissistic... I actually dislike myself in terms of appearance and who I am. I have low self-esteem, and consider myself unworthy. I think I do use men to feel validated... but why would that make me jump from one men to another? Why can't ONE man make me feel validated for the rest of my life, so that I don't break his heart or cheat in the process?
littleplanet Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I'm a 22 year old female, and I'm not sure why I behave this way. I've been in 3 serious relationships, and other than that I've spoken to numerous guys romantically but it never led to something serious (at least from my side). I find that I get this thrill out of making men fall in love with me - but once they do, the thought of them starts to disgust me - whether I'm in a serious relationship with them or not. At first, I thought this behavior was only limited to guys I was NOT serious about... but I've noticed a trend in my 3 serious relationships. I genuinely feel like the guy I'm dating is the one for probably a year. During that year, the guy isn't exactly head over heels for me. However, as soon as the guy starts to express how madly in love he is with me, how much he needs me, and how important I am to him - I become extremely cold and weirded out. I get to the point where I think about all the times I've been intimate with them, and it REALLY disgusts me. I think to myself.. How did I end up with this guy !? How did I think this guy was so perfect?! He's so average like everyone else. When I get into this phase, I start thinking about other guys. Either guys in the past I've been with or other guys in the present. I always chalked up my behavior as "oh I havn't found the one yet" - but in the relationship I am in right now, I REALLY believe he IS the one. Yet! Here I am again.. Feeling utterly disgusted at myself for settling with yet another "average" guy who at first seemed like a good catch, but now is boring me to death with his expression of love and neediness. I know this sounds horrible. And I understand that I have a serious problem... I want to fix it before I break anymore hearts. wow. Nip it in the bud, kiddo. You have a lot of water left to run under the bridge. Love = boring / neediness. Until you love someone enough to need them more than be bored by them....you're right. The pattern will continue. But do yourself a big favour. Before you go rushing off into the "I'm broken and need therapeutic professional meddling" kick...... might not be a bad idea to just slow down to a slow crawl. You're thrilled by the spill. But the mess on the floor is not something you're interested in......cleaning up. This doesn't make you a villain. It probably makes you a little more complicated than you'd rather be. But that is no crime, either. You might try the approach of being a lot more up front about your past.....and see what comes back. Otherwise, maybe you're a square peg trying to fit into a round hole (or vice versa.) And....as with anything - there's a reason for it. Whatever that is......go easy enough to give yourself a fighting chance to figure it out. Funny thing: I've known men who did this their whole lives. Somehow - they got addicted to the "hero worship" over it. I never saw them as heroes.......... (but there definitely is a double standard at work) However and whyever you're not ready for love - you wouldn't trust it as far as you can throw it. No moral judgements. You know yourself well enough to recognize this. Take a little time to find out why. (Is there a man on the planet who wouldn't wind up eventually being.....average?) A question for the ages....... but your age is the pertinent source for a good answer! 1
giblesp Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I agree. I have used men only to feel better about myself - and once I feel like they've stroked my ego enough... I tend to move on to something bigger and better. However, I really don't know what causes me to be this way. I feel guilty, unstable and depressed. Only you can make yourself feel good about yourself. You're young and have plenty of time to figure it out. Drop relationships for a while, and look after your own mental space. Get healthy and rediscover that 'feel good.' A relationship will come to you when you're ready. Look to yourself first.
Gunthar Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) Perhaps you don't really believe what they are telling you when they finally open up and declare their feelings for you. Not only that, but maybe you think they have no business saying such things (because you estimate it's totally unwarranted/unjustified) and so you fire up the contempt machine (contempt for them)? I know I struggled at the same age a bit. A girl I knew was into me. When I found out she was really into me, I really withdrew even though she was kinda hot. I just didn't know what to do with a person that really was into me. Different issue, I guess. 20-or-so years later, I'm not sure I am any different. One thing though... I'm confused. Are you upset with yourself because you say you are actually getting 'fooled' thinking you're picking a great guy when it later turns out they aren't?, or are you upset with yourself because they're probably great but you end up judging them as average at the same time they are opening up to you? Or do I need to back and re-read?? G Edited June 20, 2014 by Gunthar
preraph Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Sounds like you're insecure in some way despite your ability to attract men and need the assurance and validation that you are attractive. Who convinced you you weren't? Anyway, it's not nice, so stop it.
Gunthar Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I think you need to consider that you probably aren't making them fall for you, they just are (falling for you, naturally). If you aren't being the real you, then you can't hold them accountable for not seeing through you. What makes you say you 'make them fall in love with you'? And... sorry if I'm not tracking with you (or, am I?)...
todreaminblue Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I dont have this problem......it must be hard for you to develop any real dead set emotional attachments..... i have a problem with guys who actually dotn fall in love with me and stay that way ...they end up just loving me always.......and because i invoke honesty in them they tell me ...i am not in love with i will always love you i know i am to be loved....for i am loveable...no i am not up myelf please dotn think that......i want a guy to stay in love with me......and not make me let them go, for as soon as i hear that ..its over.........my heart sinks and knows i didnt have what it took to keep them....so i let them go and i am their friend.......life long......part of me feels i am not attractive enough to sustain a guy too many flowers in the field and i am a violet.....with a short stem among tall and stately vermilion poppies......a forget me not among a sea of graceful tulips....more likely a forget me not is my lot in life........guys find it hard to forget me..................what i will say though is they try again after i have let them go to come back to me they seem to see me differently once i let them go....because they forget me not....lol.....sorry .....thought it was cute..........but it cant be undone.......and they remain friends with me...i dont discard others......even ones that hurt me deeply i would suggest to not go around breaking guys hearts.....its not a nice thing to do ...so dont date unless you feel it in your heart just for the sake of having someone dont date unless you truly feel soemthing in that heart fo yours.........feel it not in your head but in your heart and then maybe you will understand how their heart might feel and hurting a heart will become something you just cant do .for you will know you dont want yours to hurt either..........deb
ascendotum Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I havn't been diagnosed with anything. I don't think I'm narcissistic... I actually dislike myself in terms of appearance and who I am. I have low self-esteem, and consider myself unworthy. I think I do use men to feel validated... but why would that make me jump from one men to another? Why can't ONE man make me feel validated for the rest of my life, so that I don't break his heart or cheat in the process? An ex reminds me a bit of your nature. She seemed to despise all exs (they were not bad to her...she was the cheater more), except one. The love of her life rugged alpha guy ex. The only one who broke up with her. The woman had issues and was seeing a therapist but it wasn't helping as she had been seeing them for numerous years. Maybe date a macho rugged guy who is a bit emotionally unavailable, and doesn't treat you like no.1 priority in his life. what you say above certainly fits in with what GBF wrote. Go out with guys like I mention or just do FWBs while you work on your issues with a therapist or self help books.
jbelle6 Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Dating guys for a year at 22 is pretty good. You're 22, you aren't going to marry these guys and if you did you would be divorced well within a decade statistically speaking...I would not say you have a problem yet, it's OK to not have the same feelings after a while, isn't that why we are all dating?
Strength in Healing Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 As someone mentioned, it possibly is narcissism, what with the whole "perfect love" notion (you stating you thought they were perfect, etc) It could also be extremely low self-esteem; you think that for them to want to be with you, something must be wrong. Doesn't mean you realize this consciously; could be completely sub-conscious. Goes along with narcissism as well, considering all narcissism is is extremely low self-esteem at your center. My advice, get help before you continue being in relationships.
Goldenbrwn Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I havn't been diagnosed with anything. I don't think I'm narcissistic... I actually dislike myself in terms of appearance and who I am. I have low self-esteem, and consider myself unworthy. I think I do use men to feel validated... but why would that make me jump from one men to another? Why can't ONE man make me feel validated for the rest of my life, so that I don't break his heart or cheat in the process? I'm not a psychologist but I would think you probably do this because you don't like yourself and consider yourself unworthy. When they are indifferent to you or don't seem to love you yet then fine maybe they are just using you for sex or something....but as soon as they fall in love with you then you freak out because if they can love you then they must not be as great as you originally thought they were. Deep down when you think of the great amazing men you want you probably feel those guys are too good for you so if they love you instead of using and rejecting you they must not be great guys.
Noproblem Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Well, I have the same problem. I can so relate to your story. I would be so thrilled for a new guy who usually is not that interested, I would head over heels over him until he get interested and then I get this unusual nausea about him, I can't stand him anymore..... I can't even see him any special or anything.. This was in the past now..... Now, it's different.... The situation is not better, but it's different.....
iiiii Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 LOL, isn't this what the PUA guys say, that they need to act disinterested in order to attract girls? Maybe there is some truth in it, for some girls. OP, I can't help out, but wish you well sorting this out. It doesn't sound like a recipe for long term happiness.
hoping2heal Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 (edited) Something happened to you, what was it? At least ask yourself that if you would rather not share the "what" with us. You seem to have a dynamic where you need approval from men, but once you have it you panic. Sounds like trust issues. Sounds like your misguided way of getting your emotional needs met, but you want to be non-commital because of your trust issues. Furthermore, the fact that they seem to think so highly of you, causes you to in turn think less of them. Do you think something is wrong with you? Unworthy of love? What is it? Guys are special until they think you are, and then they are average. Hmm Net shrinks, gotta love em Edited June 21, 2014 by hoping2heal
littleplanet Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 I havn't been diagnosed with anything. I don't think I'm narcissistic... I actually dislike myself in terms of appearance and who I am. I have low self-esteem, and consider myself unworthy. I think I do use men to feel validated... but why would that make me jump from one men to another? Why can't ONE man make me feel validated for the rest of my life, so that I don't break his heart or cheat in the process? As Grumps said.....it's possible that you lose respect for someone who falls for you......if you're unworthy in your own eyes - then they become unworthy for caring about you. A question I never thought of asking you before.... Has your heart ever been broken? (and not necessarily in the romantic sense, either.) But at any rate, using men to feel validated isn't working. That thing about disliking yourself in terms of appearance and who you are: Quite often this works the opposite. A solid romance will help us overcome those feelings. Just as often happens.....if we lose someone who feels that way about us - our self esteem takes a dive. At any rate.....as one respondant pointed out - 3 year-long relationships by your age is a bit of an accomplishment. They're not exactly flash in the pan. (You're not exactly 5-week fickle!) But that thing about validation. There's self-validation, too. People can be mirrors for one another. If you dislike yourself in the way you describe, an emotional connection with someone else provokes that same response outward. This isn't necessarily haughty disdain. To recap: You dislike yourself in terms of appearance and who you are. You have low self esteem and consider yourself unworthy. And someone loving you has no positive affect on how you perceive yourself. Do you have any good friends whose friendship you accept and value in spite of your flaws? If the answer to that is no.......well then this could be part of the answer to your problem. Love is not just the celebration of someone else's 'perfection.' It is also a celebration of the acceptance of flaws. (because of course.........nobody's perfect.) At any rate - whatever validation you're seeking.....obviously has a shelf-life. Which means that it is no real validation at all. Which could very well mean it has more to do with you, and less to do with them. It could be that you don't really like the way they love you.......... or it could be that you don't really like love at all. (just a thought......I'm just thinking out loud, here.) I remember when I was in my senior year of high school - I knew a girl who actually helped me get over this stuff. It wasn't a romance though. She was a good friend.
ponchsox Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 This happened with my last gf. We dated, had an amazing time together, great sex, even used the love word. Then one weekend I give her roses, bring her over to my parents house for dinner, and boom the next day she is gone. Some women leave she things get real. They like the chase but they get freaked out when facing a commitment. You're young. Be single for a while. You'll eventually want to fall in love with someone.
ThorntonMelon Posted June 21, 2014 Posted June 21, 2014 Taking into account I am not a Dr., I've dated 3 borderlines, and you sound just like them. Good news is it is treatable if you admit you have a problem. Find a therapist who specializes in BPD and you can save everyone a lot of heartache.
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