Ending with OW and it is so hard.

[jackslife]

My forum has been going (dragging) on for some time now.

 

Can I just say thank you to everyone who has taken time to respond. Even the tough love responses have some validity and often carry sound advice. Several posters have put a lot of time and thought into the advice they give and that has really been appreciated.

 

Given the fact that I am a WS and non aggressive decent advice has been given by BS's makes me realise appreciate it all the more.

 

WS's do get a real kicking on here (unsurprisingly), but it is worth pointing out that we are not all bad people. In some cases we are good people who have made bad decisions, not just recently but many years ago which have affected the decisions we are now making. Non of us can turn the clock back, but many of us would if we could.

 

Anyhow I'm thread jacking my own post. Again, just wanted to say thank you to all for the advice.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you for your response. Overwhelmed is exactly how I feel. I have virtually shut down with my wife now. She's suggested we have a weekend away to talk. But then with my OW moving on with someone else I'm thinking should I force an issue - confession, talk of leaving, to try and get her back before I lose her forever. My OW contacted me again today saying she hated the thought of me being so miserable and I should just try to be happy. But if her being in touch with me was making me miserable we should stop that too. She's gone from endlessly texting me, telling me she loves me to seeing someone else and hoping I'll just pull the plug. All in the matter of a couple of weeks.

 

My plan (hah!) was to work on my marriage with the OW out of the picture, but then all I think is if I split with my wife, I'll have lost the OW anyway and be alone. Your advice does make sense though along with the advice given by the poster who followed you. Maybe I should stick to the plan, completely end with the OW, work on my marriage and if that fails start a new life.

 

You are so correct. The big 50 is daunting - despite being the fittest I've ever been - and the break up of the affair has absolutely destroyed me. And I know it is all my fault - I should have spoken to my wife before I had the affair, I shouldn't have let the affair drift on after OW became single. I should have ended it and then spoken to my wife. Then I could have be honest and say marriage is over and now is time to move on. Every decision I have made has been the wrong one.

 

I can't go back to looking for another affair, but I can't have a life without sex and emotional connection. I'm 50 years old and breaking up my marriage and life seems daunting. A couple of previous posters said I was a risk averse coward with low self esteem. Whilst true, I think this is part of the emotional turmoil I've been in.

 

Your advice does seem like good advice though. Completely let OW go, then try and heal whilst taking time to speak properly to my wife. Making life changing decisions right now seems dangerous. I'm just so fraught.

 

I have a theory about the mid-life crisis. I think it has to do with being unhappy for so many years that a person finally just throws up their hands and does what they want to do because they realize that life is just too short.

 

I think it's interesting that you haven't had a conversation with the OW about this. I'm pretty sure that she is saying those things to you because she feels she has waited around for you long enough and it's time for her to move on if you plan on staying in your marriage. My xMM was so jealous last Xmas when I showed up at a party with a date. In the parking lot, he quickly told me that he loved me. I was simply amused and laughed. After everything he's done, 10 yrs down the road of ripping my heart out, did he really think an ILY uttered in a parking lot was going to change things? Was it charming? Yeah, that's him. I brought a date with me because the previous Xmas his wife and kids were at the same event with MM. I didn't even show up to that one and, believe me, everyone questioned that because it was an event that I should've attended. MM told me that he watched for me all night, hoping I'd walk in the door.

 

Jack, for a woman, this is very confusing behavior and an OW only has so much energy for it. After a certain amount of time goes by, she loses faith in the MM and has to do something to keep herself sane. I am truly saddened that if you love her that much that you're making the choice you're making. I think you're doing as my MM has done. I see him occasionally and I doubt we'll ever fully break ties, but he would start an affair with me again in a heartbeat if I let it happen. His health is a mess and he's very lonely. We held hands all the time when we were together, and the way I treated him was exactly how I would've treated him if I had been his gf or wife. I said it before, I think he made a mistake. Now his wife has a degenerative illness and he'll never leave her. And I wouldn't want him to. Who leaves a sick spouse? But there was a window of time when he could've left and didn't take that chance. Now it's gone. I'd hate to see that happen to you.

 

So, I'm curious, what prompted OW to say to you that she hated the thought of you being so miserable?

 

Please give it a lot of thought before confessing the affair to your wife. This is a big deal and it will absolutely change everything forever. It will also crush her, more than anything else could. Even you leaving her wouldn't be as crushing as her being told that you have been cheating on her. Then you're going to have to deal with the guilt of hurting someone like that, and every issue in your marriage will get drowned because every discussion will be about the affair.

[bathtub-row]

And, btw, Jack, I happen to think you're a very good guy. I think it's great that you give this so much thought. I guess what I'd say to you, though, is that your marriage is not going to change overnight, or with a long weekend conversation. You know what your marriage is. If you can get on board with that and be happy, I say go for it. But if you're heartbroken and in love with someone else, I don't think you're doing anyone any favors by staying in your marriage.

 

Still, I know you've got a lot of time invested in your marriage and it absolutely is not an easy thing to walk away from. I hope you'll keep us posted.

[tnimbus]

You're a good guy jack, and you're trying to do the right thing...you have to do what is the right thing for you. Sometimes pulling back can help that become clearer. When you're fraught and overwhelmed...no good decision comes from that. Your mind, body and emotions have to heal some in order to see your way.

I cannot speak to a sexless, connectionless marriage...that isn't something I've experienced. During my EA, my partner and I still had sex, and our connection was still there....it never died, it just got a bit tarnished from lack of polishing, so to speak. He is the sexiest man on Earth to me, always has been, and he feels the same about me..our bond has never been completely broken. The reason I say this is because I think if our sexual and emotional connections had been completely dead...I would've departed the relationship, AP, or not.

I'm not saying that is what you should do..I can't tell anyone what they should/shouldn't do, and I wouldn't try...I'm just saying it's a very serious breach when intimacy is completely lost....and especially if one partner is okay with that while the other suffers. 50 is not old these days, by any means, and if your needs aren't being met...and aren't going to be...that is a serious factor. Rationally and emotionally.

It's very hard to do...and it's one of the reasons I mentioned the 90 days....but if you can calm yourself, and pull back into a very rational mindset, even if it's only for 30 days..or 21 even (the time to break an addictive habit)...that can help with the emotional overwhelm.

I'm not generally one to say this...I think honesty is always best....but, if you choose to leave your wife, maybe it would be best to leave the A out of the mix. It doesn't sound like you would be leaving her only because of the A, but because the marriage itself stopped working long ago. I think maybe that will be painful enough all on it's own...but emotionally survivable. You love your wife, it's apparent, and don't wish to cause her needless pain. If divorce comes...maybe that way, it could be as amicable as possible.

Again..I can't say I know the best way to navigate these waters...but if I can at least give you a bit of a start on a compass, I hope it helps. In my thoughts jack. You're not alone.