Ending with OW and it is so hard.

[jackslife]

Thank you all for the recent replies. I will respond next week, in full. But all of the last batch of responses are really helpful. You have no idea how much, and I include the ones where I get a bit of a kicking.

[notserene]

For their emotional development, kids don't need to see a "passionate marriage" between their parents. That's something adults say to justify their divorce. If you are "content" at home as you say, and you are able to control yourself so there isn't excessive fighting, then a stable, peaceful home is the best gift for kids. They care about your love for them, and your time with them, more than they are aware of your love for your partner.

 

I think staying for kids is a good thing, when both people can pull it together and knock off their pettiness and fighting and functional as a family unit, with or without romantic passion.

 

I wish I could like this post 100 times. Divorce is hard on kids. It's 100 times harder if you leave for someone else. Your son will be angry at you and will most likely despise the OW because she is a convenient target for his anger (it hurts too much to be so angry at someone you love and trust).

 

If you can be in the same room as your wife without the two of you trying to literally strangle each other, fix your marriage.

[cocorico]

I wish I could like this post 100 times. Divorce is hard on kids. It's 100 times harder if you leave for someone else. Your son will be angry at you and will most likely despise the OW because she is a convenient target for his anger (it hurts too much to be so angry at someone you love and trust).

 

If you can be in the same room as your wife without the two of you trying to literally strangle each other, fix your marriage.

 

I think a safe guess is, whichever way you choose, your kids will wish you'd taken the other route. My parents "stayed together for the kids" - we kids hated that. Others whose parent split wished the parents could have stuck it out together. I think it's hard for kids either way, and so kids like to imagine that the road not ravelled would have been the better one. Truth is, there is no way of knowing, because each family, each situation is different and you don't get replays to see which works better for your particular configuration - and, for whom in your configuration. Different people may prefer different outcomes.

 

The best you can do is make a choice based on the most authentic and sustainable version of yourself, and *make* that choice work best in your life and for the others involved! whatever that turns out to be.

[lollipopspot]

I think it's hard for kids either way, and so kids like to imagine that the road not ravelled would have been the better one.

 

If kids are wishing their parents divorced, then the parents are clearly not controlling themselves and holding the family together in a stable, peaceful way. That's a failure of the parents.

 

Regardless of what people want, actual outcomes show that kids are better off when the parents don't divorce (less delinquency, higher academic scores, etc.).

[daretotrustlove]

My kids are not delinquent and get high scores at school. They are also emotionally more stable than if we had stayed married. Kids are not stupid they know when u are not in a loving relationship don't kid yourself, I was a victim of the stay together no matter what!!!

 

 

I have to say, my kids are not delinquent either. Top of their class and deans list in college. Wow...I must of messed up somewhere.

[April Moon]

 

I want you to know that OW/OM can feel just as much pain as a BS.

 

I don't think this is a fair statement on so many levels.

[jackslife]

 

Please tell your OW that another discarded MOW has a message for her: run for your dear life and don't look back..

 

I think that is what my AP is doing.

[jackslife]

So my OW has now met someone else. The NC hadn't worked and she regularly texted me, right up until she met someone else and it worked out for her. Then the texts stopped. We've been in touch but she is moving on, she was prepared to be with me, but I chose not to leave my wife so she has started a new life.

 

I did what I should have done ages ago and gone NC.

 

The OW said most people in an unhappy marriage, face up to it and either leave or work at it, but I've done neither. Telling her how much I want her, but not actually leaving my wife for her.

 

My intention was always to try and end with OW and then work on my marriage. Well from today it looks like I can. My wife is a good woman and wife, caring of our son and loves me. We've been together 24 years and married for 11, but I no longer want her physically and if we didn't have our son I wouldn't be with her now. I've mentioned before the sex stopped nearly 4 years ago in my marriage due to the menopause. But I did nothing to try and reignite it and used it as an excuse to justify a two year affair.

 

I have withdrawn so much from my wife in the last 6 months. When the affair was light and easy, although we didn't have sex I was huggy, touchy and feely. Now we don't kiss, hug or even touch. But all this is down to me, am I punishing her for the lack of sex, or just trying to force a confrontation? how can anyone put up with that lack of intimacy and not question it? (or as my IC said "is she a mind reader? No? then how is she supposed to know?"

 

Part of me thinks "you got away with it, there's been no D Day", the affair cost you nothing, why rock the boat. Find another bored OW and start again. But that's no life is it? Surely a happy life with a woman you love, who you have great sex with all honest and out in the open had got to be better? Another side of me thinks talk to your wife... but if I do confess during this I stand to lose it all. But if I don't will I feel trapped and be miserable for ever?

 

For 18 months I had a wonderful affair which met my physical and emotional needs and a great home life. Wouldn't I be mad to confess and end it all?

 

The above is part confession and part cry for help. I know I'll get a bit of a kicking from some posters, but LS also has a lot of very smart people who give very good advice and I could do with some right now.

Edited August 19, 2014 by jackslife

[purplesorrow]

"Simplify, simplify.

 

Regardless of the reasons do you want to be with this man? Do you still want to sleep with this man? Do you look at him and think 'wow, I want to be with this fella?'

 

All questions all of us could ask ourselves about our spouses and partners. if your answers to the above is 'no' then you have your answer and the marriage is over."

 

 

Just exchange the man for woman and him and her in the advice you gave me.

[fellini]

Just leave.

 

Your original post:

 

"But does the fear of breaking up your family, moving out of the family home you've built for years, fear of future loneliness, financial instability, justify staying in a comfortable but loveless marriage? (My wife loves me, but we haven't had sex in 3 years + and now I'm not sure I still would) Can a marriage be rebuilt after all this?"

 

Fear of breaking up is not a good enough reason to stay

Fear of leaving the family home is not a good enough reason to stay

Fear of lonliness or ending up being alone is not a good enough reason to stay

Fear of financial setbacks is not a good enough reason to stay

Fear of walking away from a loveless marriage is not a good enough reason to stay.

 

Neither for YOU nor for HER nor for the kids

 

You don't have a marriage to rebuild. You are living with a room mate of the opposite sex.

 

Rather than make a halfazzed attempt to pump 2000 volts into a dead horse and end up once again riding the neighbors mare, you should be working on your ESTEEM issues to get OUT and start a new life. In that new life you can explore your options for a relationship guilt free.

[dichotomy]

So my OW has now met someone else. The NC hadn't worked and she regularly texted me, right up until she met someone else and it worked out for her. Then the texts stopped. We've been in touch but she is moving on, she was prepared to be with me, but I chose not to leave my wife so she has started a new life.

 

Did not take her long - but good for her. She deserves a dedicated partner since that is what she wanted right? I mean she was honest she did not just want a FWB type affair with you I assume, she wanted a man to her self.

 

 

 

The OW said most people in an unhappy marriage, face up to it and either leave or work at it, but I've done neither.

 

Or find ways to cope deal with it, other than an affair. It takes a lot of work.

 

My wife is a good woman and wife, caring of our son and loves me. We've been together 24 years and married for 11, but I no longer want her physically and if we didn't have our son I wouldn't be with her now.

 

How is she a good loving wife to you specifically? (more about that below)

 

So even if her internal (more about that term) sexual drive came back - you would not want her physically. That's a difficult issue.

 

 

I've mentioned before the sex stopped nearly 4 years ago in my marriage due to the menopause. But I did nothing to try and reignite it and used it as an excuse to justify a two year affair.

 

But all this is down to me, am I punishing her for the lack of sex, or just trying to force a confrontation? how can anyone put up with that lack of intimacy and not question it? (or as my IC said "is she a mind reader? No? then how is she supposed to know?"

 

Are you punishing her - or she you with the lack of sex? She needs to be a mind reader to know you want sex - and has denied you for 3-4 years??? Has she put in the efforts to repair her internal drive? apologized and said she is so sorry things are not working in her body? and more importantly what about her external drive - that is her drive to sexual satisfy the man she loves? If I was in a wheel chair - and truly loved my wife and she had sexual needs - well I got hands, mouth, and toys and videos, and would take joy in pleasing my wife even. Why does your wife not "love you" enough to use something other than PIV sex to take care of you? What does it mean to really love someone?

 

Part of me thinks "you got away with it, there's been no D Day", the affair cost you nothing, why rock the boat. Find another bored OW and start again. But that's no life is it? Surely a happy life with a woman you love, who you have great sex with all honest and out in the open had got to be better? Another side of me thinks talk to your wife... but if I do confess during this I stand to lose it all. But if I don't will I feel trapped and be miserable for ever?

 

For 18 months I had a wonderful affair which met my physical and emotional needs and a great home life. Wouldn't I be mad to confess and end it all?

 

Look you cheated, wrong period. Ok? You now this. We all do. it was a very long affair, not just sex but emotions and longing and talk of leaving. Your wife will be crushed. If you have not found the right marriage therapist - try this first about the lack of sex and intimacy, but in the end she has abandoned part of the marriage (sex), and you abandoned your vows to her.

 

The above is part confession and part cry for help. I know I'll get a bit of a kicking from some posters, but LS also has a lot of very smart people who give very good advice and I could do with some right now.

 

I don't have any great answers for you, a sexless marriage is amazingly painful. There have been both females and men on this board (myself included) who have tried to cope with low sex or no sex marriages. Some have cheated (including one woman here who suffered terrible guilt), some have divorced, others found ways to cope and focus on other parts of the marriage.

 

The problem I see is that while sex is a big part of it - I see emotional disconnection from both you and your wife in the marriage. Your affair was not just some NSA agreement with a woman - but a emotional (loving one).

 

Why are you really staying and trying to work on it?

Edited August 19, 2014 by dichotomy

[jackslife]

"Simplify, simplify.

 

Regardless of the reasons do you want to be with this man? Do you still want to sleep with this man? Do you look at him and think 'wow, I want to be with this fella?'

 

All questions all of us could ask ourselves about our spouses and partners. if your answers to the above is 'no' then you have your answer and the marriage is over."

 

 

Just exchange the man for woman and him and her in the advice you gave me.

 

I could quote you back fair response to my point above where you said we are real people in real lives and it's not that simple (i'm paraphrasing). But it's a fair point.

[jackslife]

you should be working on your ESTEEM issues to get OUT and start a new life. In that new life you can explore your options for a relationship guilt free.

 

How did you pick up on low self esteem from my posts? I'm not disagreeing it's just very impressive that you found that.

[fellini]

How did you pick up on low self esteem from my posts? I'm not disagreeing it's just very impressive that you found that.

 

Because you think leaving is something unknown to you, but in fact before you were married you were alone, and you obviously survived. Now suddenly you,want to stay connected to someone you dont truly wish to be with only because she provides you with a safe haven from your fears. You are dependent on something and you dont need to be, youobviously dont think you're going to make it without her, or worse, you dont want to be alone. Esteem issues, not necessarily low self esteem.

 

These are, by the way, normal responses. I had to work at getting to the point where I could say and believe that I did not fear ending my marriage, and leaving the home i have lived in for 12 years, 10 of which included my daughter. Now i don't fear this, and i can be in this marriage because it is what i want, not because i dont want to face alternatives.

 

I dont think my WS is there yet. Im pretty convinced her A was intended to have an exit strategy for herself, and she still says she doesnt want to be alone, but I think she means physically only and im talking both physically (live without a man) and emotionally (not having a lover in her head).

[jackslife]

The problem I see is that while sex is a big part of it - I see emotional disconnection from both you and your wife in the marriage. Your affair was not just some NSA agreement with a woman - but a emotional (loving one).

 

Why are you really staying and trying to work on it?

 

We both come from unbroken homes, we have a wonderful son, the thought of divorce is a complete anathema to me, unthinkable. Only in the last 6 months had I even considered it.

 

We share a lovely son, I don't want to hurt our family and then going back to my original post all the usual reasons as picked off one by one by Fellini.

[fellini]

We both come from unbroken homes, we have a wonderful son, the thought of divorce is a complete anathema to me, unthinkable. Only in the last 6 months had I even considered it.

 

We share a lovely son, I don't want to hurt our family and then going back to my original post all the usual reasons as picked off one by one by Fellini.

 

You will always be a family. Just not a nuclear one.

 

Personally I think it's wrong to raise children in a loveless marriage. Not the least of which we are teaching them by our own example to settle for less all in the name of an ideal that does not exist. Children do not need to be taught that its okay to be with someone you do not really want to be with. And they know what is going on, a lot more than we pretend.

 

It'll be worse if you cheat again and your child starts to think of you as the serial cheating daddy.

[HermioneG]

How did you pick up on low self esteem from my posts? I'm not disagreeing it's just very impressive that you found that.

 

Because outside of straight up narcissists, low self esteem is a key factor in infidelity. Not being able to internally validate, and needing the outside process. It's pretty common. Routine.

[bathtub-row]

I just have to say that I don't know how people do it. How one spouse thinks it's ok to never have intimacy, and how the other lives with that. I don't know how you do that for years but I think a lot of people do.

 

When I had an affair with a MM, he was 50 and I was 45. The passion and deep friendship between us is still there today, 10 yrs later. But we rarely speak and ended the affair a few years ago. But I always think he made the wrong choice to stay in his marriage. He has a lot of health problems that I believe are related to stress and lack of intimacy in his life. His wife is clueless and thinks the way things are is just fine. His kids already know their parents don't get along. One of his kids joked with him about what it was going to be like when all the kids left home. Well that's where they are now. Whenever he sees me, he's hopeful that we'll have a night of sex but I won't go down that path again. He made his choice and I'm not going to be on the sidelines of his life.

 

It's all a matter of what you hold dear. You still have a lot of life to live. I'm also not sure that your OW is really over you or has really established a new relationship. She may just be slightly moving on but deep down hoping that you'll fight for her. Have you ever considered that?

[jackslife]

 

It's all a matter of what you hold dear. You still have a lot of life to live. I'm also not sure that your OW is really over you or has really established a new relationship. She may just be slightly moving on but deep down hoping that you'll fight for her. Have you ever considered that?

 

I think your point about your affair partner is a good one. I'm 50 myself and suddenly feel as if I am at a crossroads. Do I stay with my wife (and go for another FWB affair,) or leave and start a new life. Do I want to look back in 10 years time and wished I'd ended my marriage?

 

It's surprised me as to just how stressful an affair is, but way before then I could have screamed I was so unhappy and not known why. I have a decent, good, caring wife, so why can't I be happy with her - life would be so much easier.

 

I had to go NC over my OW because when I spoke to my wife, when the affair question came up, I could at least say it was over and I wasn't leaving for another woman. Then when everything is sorted I could start afresh. I risk losing my OW but I'd feel I'd ended the marriage because I'd fallen out of love with my wife and not just for a younger, prettier model. Or am I just kidding myself there? The thought of leaving for someone else just feels like I'm adding a whole lot more misery to a bad situation.

 

You could be right about how the OW feels... it's been a tough time for both of us.

 

Not sure if I'm answering any questions, asking more or just rambling on... thank you for your reply though.

[jackslife]

Because outside of straight up narcissists, low self esteem is a key factor in infidelity. Not being able to internally validate, and needing the outside process. It's pretty common. Routine.

 

Really? It's all new to me - I've never been in this situation before, so it's not routine or common from my POV.

[HermioneG]

Really? It's all new to me - I've never been in this situation before, so it's not routine or common from my POV.

 

Okay. It's notated in most of the literature, that unless you have a personality disorder, your self esteem is a likely problem. You need a lot of external validation, you have poor boundaries, and you're conflict avoidant. The story you have presented on here is routine, it is ordinary, and you're a pretty regular wayward.

 

If that is not routine to your understanding of why affairs occur, then I think you would be well served to do some research. It is illuminating.

[bathtub-row]

I think your point about your affair partner is a good one. I'm 50 myself and suddenly feel as if I am at a crossroads. Do I stay with my wife (and go for another FWB affair,) or leave and start a new life. Do I want to look back in 10 years time and wished I'd ended my marriage?

 

It's surprised me as to just how stressful an affair is, but way before then I could have screamed I was so unhappy and not known why. I have a decent, good, caring wife, so why can't I be happy with her - life would be so much easier.

 

I had to go NC over my OW because when I spoke to my wife, when the affair question came up, I could at least say it was over and I wasn't leaving for another woman. Then when everything is sorted I could start afresh. I risk losing my OW but I'd feel I'd ended the marriage because I'd fallen out of love with my wife and not just for a younger, prettier model. Or am I just kidding myself there? The thought of leaving for someone else just feels like I'm adding a whole lot more misery to a bad situation.

 

You could be right about how the OW feels... it's been a tough time for both of us.

 

Not sure if I'm answering any questions, asking more or just rambling on... thank you for your reply though.

 

The answers aren't easy because you're afraid of taking the risk. We all are. Like my xMM, it really came down to him not having enough faith in us. And it's easier to stay with the devil you know than the one you don't know. Most people don't like risk. They stay in the safety net. I have taken huge risks in my life - particularly where relationships are concerned - and I'm alone today. I know that's the most horrid idea in the world to most people but given the options I had, I felt I had no choice. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm not cut out to deal with bad relationships. I just simply can't do it. A lot of people, on the other hand, can. I think it all has to do with your tolerance level.

 

In your case, you don't believe in what you and the OW have, or that you could ever be in a happy marriage. Even though it hurts you to let her go, you're still willing to do it because you don't believe anything could be any better than the lifeless relationship you're now in. You think everything will eventually come to what you now have. It's hard to argue with fear and beliefs. And no one can tell you what the right move would be. It's life and it's often a mess and it rarely gives us answers.

 

Maybe you can ask for a sign that would point you one way or another. Maybe that would give you clarity and confidence about whatever you decide.

Edited August 22, 2014 by bathtub-row

[tnimbus]

I feel for you jackslife, I truly do. I wish I had a magic answer to light your way. I'm 48, heading closer and closer to the big 50, so I understand a lot of the angst I feel from your posts....just being at this point in life can be stressful all on it's own. You're not alone. "How did I get here?" "What do I want for the next part of my life?" "If I make the wrong choices, what will happen?"...the self-questioning (rending) can be relentless and deeply self-esteem damaging. Going to "comfort", even if that "comfort" adds more damage is so easy to do.

It sounds like you're in a state of overwhelm atm...trying to answer and fix all the questions, doubts, and fears that are running rampant in your mind. You can't do it all at once...trust me, I tried.

The only bit of advice(for what it's worth) I can give, is to give yourself the gift of 90 days of NC, true NC with the OW, and let yourself heal from that as much as you can. In those 90 days, try not to make any life altering decisions, look at what is, not what you want to be, and let your wounds heal. I can't promise that it will all be crystal clear then, but your brain and body will be rested some, and healed some. Rest and healing will help you get your footing a bit, if nothing else. I hope that helps some.

[loveboid]

It doesn't have to be these two women. You could divorce and date any single woman.

 

Really it depends on what you value and I am sure that has changed over time. This is a good opportunity for you to reassess your values.

[jackslife]

I feel for you jackslife, I truly do. I wish I had a magic answer to light your way. I'm 48, heading closer and closer to the big 50, so I understand a lot of the angst I feel from your posts....just being at this point in life can be stressful all on it's own. You're not alone. "How did I get here?" "What do I want for the next part of my life?" "If I make the wrong choices, what will happen?"...the self-questioning (rending) can be relentless and deeply self-esteem damaging. Going to "comfort", even if that "comfort" adds more damage is so easy to do.

It sounds like you're in a state of overwhelm atm...trying to answer and fix all the questions, doubts, and fears that are running rampant in your mind. You can't do it all at once...trust me, I tried.

The only bit of advice(for what it's worth) I can give, is to give yourself the gift of 90 days of NC, true NC with the OW, and let yourself heal from that as much as you can. In those 90 days, try not to make any life altering decisions, look at what is, not what you want to be, and let your wounds heal. I can't promise that it will all be crystal clear then, but your brain and body will be rested some, and healed some. Rest and healing will help you get your footing a bit, if nothing else. I hope that helps some.

 

 

Thank you for your response. Overwhelmed is exactly how I feel. I have virtually shut down with my wife now. She's suggested we have a weekend away to talk. But then with my OW moving on with someone else I'm thinking should I force an issue - confession, talk of leaving, to try and get her back before I lose her forever. My OW contacted me again today saying she hated the thought of me being so miserable and I should just try to be happy. But if her being in touch with me was making me miserable we should stop that too. She's gone from endlessly texting me, telling me she loves me to seeing someone else and hoping I'll just pull the plug. All in the matter of a couple of weeks.

 

My plan (hah!) was to work on my marriage with the OW out of the picture, but then all I think is if I split with my wife, I'll have lost the OW anyway and be alone. Your advice does make sense though along with the advice given by the poster who followed you. Maybe I should stick to the plan, completely end with the OW, work on my marriage and if that fails start a new life.

 

You are so correct. The big 50 is daunting - despite being the fittest I've ever been - and the break up of the affair has absolutely destroyed me. And I know it is all my fault - I should have spoken to my wife before I had the affair, I shouldn't have let the affair drift on after OW became single. I should have ended it and then spoken to my wife. Then I could have be honest and say marriage is over and now is time to move on. Every decision I have made has been the wrong one.

 

I can't go back to looking for another affair, but I can't have a life without sex and emotional connection. I'm 50 years old and breaking up my marriage and life seems daunting. A couple of previous posters said I was a risk averse coward with low self esteem. Whilst true, I think this is part of the emotional turmoil I've been in.

 

Your advice does seem like good advice though. Completely let OW go, then try and heal whilst taking time to speak properly to my wife. Making life changing decisions right now seems dangerous. I'm just so fraught.