john1682 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Ok, just a general question... This girl I'm dating always asks me to go places with her but at the end of her question she'll always add, "if you want to". All the time! So I just tried to flip it on her & asked, "do you want me to"... Only to get the same type of reply. So what's the verdict?
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Shes insecure. It's a language / verbiage crutch. Throwing it back in her face makes the situation worse. Reassure her. Don't challenge her 5
Versacehottie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Shes insecure. It's a language / verbiage crutch. Throwing it back in her face makes the situation worse. Reassure her. Don't challenge her on top of what donnivain said. it's a feminine way of speaking that she is unlikely that conscious of. If you read about women's verbal communication vs men's, this is pretty common. Even if she removes the phrase "if you want to", the inntonaton at the end of the sentence will likely go up indicating a question rather than a statement. It's a girl vs. boy thing. If your siblings are only brothers or you're an only child, perhaps you haven't been around this as much as someone who grew up with a sister(s). It could mean she is insecure but it is also the way women relate and could have nothing to do with her insecurity or security. If i find a link that explains this, I will post. 1
preraph Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 She is being overly polite and trying not to come across as bossy or whatever. But yes, she does want to go to those places. She just doesn't want you to feel you have to go do something you hate so she's adding that "if you want to." She's nice. Don't make her feel bad for being nice about it. Just be straight yes or no you want to go or not. 6
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 on top of what donnivain said. it's a feminine way of speaking that she is unlikely that conscious of. If you read about women's verbal communication vs men's, this is pretty common. Even if she removes the phrase "if you want to", the inntonaton at the end of the sentence will likely go up indicating a question rather than a statement. It's a girl vs. boy thing. Crap, I just realized I do this. It's not even intentionally most of the time. I guess I do it because I don't want to sound needy or demanding.
Versacehottie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 here's a little link (not the best but just a quick search found): https://www.achievesolutions.net/achievesolutions/en/Content.do?contentId=10241 But to answer probably your real question, I doubt your girlfriend is lame or a doormat, this is a common way women TRY to bond with men--as confusing as it may be to men
Versacehottie Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Crap, I just realized I do this. It's not even intentionally most of the time. I guess I do it because I don't want to sound needy or demanding. it's a effort to bond that we aren't even that aware we do. Apparently it confuses guys. Who knew? LOL
d0nnivain Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Versacehottie raises a great point. Women & men do speak very differently. as an only child in a male dominated profession, I forget that as a woman my Martian is better than my Venutian (men v women). My point remains valid. Don't throw it back at her. You will only alienate her 1
DArtagnan2 Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 Why she says it could be a number of things. More times then not its just a response like "yeh, cool if you want to, lets" At least when I say something like that, its what I mean. But I am a guy and based on what people are describing as a guy's language versus a girls its probably taken however the other person see's it in their mind. When all I mean is "yeh cool, if you want to, lets!" I would suggest next time she says that, say "I do." and then make the plans to do it.
WhiskeyJack Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I know in my shoes, if I add "If you want to" It's because I want to do said thing with you but add that just in case you don't want to, its my way to give you an out without it being hugely embarrassing. 1
WrinkledForehead Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I don't use this as a typical part of my speech but I do say it consciously to my boyfriend on occasion. Usually it's my way of being accommodating and in particular, accommodating during a stressful time in our relationship. It's being polite but offering him an out and I suppose reassuring him that I won't be upset if he says no.
PegNosePete Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 To me it sounds like fear of rejection. Basically she's giving you a way out, a way to easily say no without coming across as mean or nasty. I would just take it at face value... simply say of course I want to, I don't mind what we do as long as we do it together. You'll get extra points for that one, as well as giving her more confidence for next time
bene Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I suppose I do it as well and it never occured to me that it might be confusing If I suggest something, I don't want my date to just drag along when he's not interested in going. So I would add "if you want to" to show that I want to go somewhere with the guy if he wants to go as well. Otherwise I would go with a friend, family, colleague or not go at all. That said, of course I hope that he's gladly willing to do what I suggested I wouldn't read much out of it. It is just a way of being polite and accommodating.
Eternal Sunshine Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I do this when I lack confidence that the guy is really into me. Best thing to do is re-assure her. Of course I want to!!!
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