Shattered, not coping

[i8barbie]

This is going to be long. This will also be the first time I've shared the entire story, so it will be beneficial for me to get it all out.

 

2 years ago in May I met a girl after breaking up with a very abusive ex that cheated on me. She became my best friend, and literally saved my life. During this time she ended up falling in love with me. I stopped contact that October because of something she had done, but 3 months later, realized I was in love with her and reached out. She had started dating someone a week or 2 after NC. I had burned her a CD since she loves my taste in music, and ended up running into her at the bar. We ended up spending the night together, and it was fantastic. She broke things off with the other girl shortly after.

 

Now we hit January/February of last year and I moved her to another city. Things were great at first, but I ended up panicking and told her I wanted to explore life and date as I had only been in one other serious relationship (that was very abusive), and she said she would wait for me because she was deeply in love. I ended up casually seeing 3 people from March-January, but none lasted, as no one could compare to her. I made sure to keep them out of our home, off my facebook, etc, so it wasn’t in her face. We remained best friends and spent the majority of our time together. I always came back to her. In December, I told her I just wanted to be friends, but that it was a decision I would regret for the rest of my life. I just knew that if I had made the commitment to her, I’d be done, and that scared me.

 

So she started to move on without telling me she was doing so. One night in March she tells me she met someone she found intriguing. It was hard to take, but I took it. The following Monday I find out it’s our roommates friend. She then has her over, and they keep me awake til 4 am partying. The next day I’m bombarded with facebook posts and photos of them. I admit I lost my mind. I freaked out, yelled, told her I couldn’t be her friend, among some other very unpleasant things. Usually when this happens she tries talking me down, helping me remain calm, but she fueled it, and continued to see this girl.

 

I emailed the girl and asked her not to be in our home while I was still living there out of respect. I went back home as I was feeling suicidal about the situation, and found out when I returned that she had spent the night while I was away. I was livid once again, but this time explained that it was because I was so in love with her. I asked how she didn’t notice. I had always come back to her, couldn’t commit to others, then flew off the handle when she mentioned interest in anyone else. I had just been so heart broken before that I was terrified of being with her.

 

We ended up trying to work things out, starting in April. Beginning of May she told me she could not give her heart to me again, and I broke down sobbing, begging, pleading, and went to stay with a friend. She emailed me 2 days later saying that if I truly wanted to work on it, that she would too. She said she needed time and space, and couldn’t fully say “yes” yet. I told her in order for anything to work the past has to be left where it belongs, and we move forward. She ultimately couldn’t do this.

 

I found out 2 weeks ago she was having an affair with the girl she told me she broke contact with in March. Her and her friends would all go out together while I was at home (with kidney stones at the time), then she’d come sleep with me, and make love to me in the morning. The thought of it makes me so physically ill, and like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I found out when I looked at her phone. She had the girl as “Dear one”. I asked her blatantly if it was the girl from March and she denied, but I found out later when a friend told me. Before I made this discovery I had called her telling her I was really low and wanted to harm myself. She called the police, and got very upset with me. Turns out she was on a date with the girl and her friends. While I was breaking down sobbing, she just stood there with a smile on her face and told me she felt nothing, that it was my fault. Her parents removed her from the house that night because they thought I would hurt her (I had slapped her once the previous summer for yelling and swearing in my face). Before she left I said “if you cared, you wouldn’t see her again” and she promised she wouldn’t. The following day her parents came to town and told me to stay elsewhere. That weekend was pride and her friends and family spent it with her and the new girl.

 

I had a friend pack and move my things last week. She picked up the remaining things last night, and found that she taped her door shut (!) so she could tell if anyone was inside (she had a photo that belonged to me in her room, it wasn’t snooping). She then texted my friend to say the shower curtain and baking pans were her and to bring them back, which I found outrageous. I haven’t been able to function since it happened. I sent her an email (which was mature, I had a friend read it to be sure), and my ex just responded that “just because things fell apart between us, doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough”. She apologized for lying to herself, and that she didn’t deserve forgiveness. Pity, really.

 

She would tell me all the time that I was her roots, her anchor, that her love was grounded in me, that I was her keeper, that she never felt so whole with another person, etc. She wrote me a book of “50 reasons why you’re awesome”. She spoke of our children leading up to the break. She told me she would never in her life hurt me the way my ex did, especially since her ex finacee cheated on her with her best friend. I found out shes still seeing the girl, and all of her friends just say I’m crazy and to cut me off.

 

Let me be clear on a few things: I am not abusive. I would never in my life harm anyone. Did I react poorly with the slap? Yes. Second, when we tried to reconcile, I did everything to show and prove to her that I was sorry for not being ready to commit sooner. It wasn’t just words, it was also through actions. Third, her and I both suffer from depression. She started to break months ago and wouldn’t seek help, so I sought help for her, and she’s now medicated. She also apologized that she didn’t get help sooner.

So, here I am. Completely broken, not able to eat, and my mind is constantly stewing with the thoughts of them together, living life as though everything is fine and nothing happened. I am also mourning the loss of my best friend. Having her friends love this other girl more, spending all of their time together. I’m left with few friends, and few places I can go where I won’t run into them. I’ve gone complete NC (blocked and deleted all related parties from FB, deleted photos/emails/texts/numbers), and still, nothing eases the pain. How can someone do this? I was her best friend, she knew I had been hurt like this before.

 

I know I was not perfect. The reality is that I was just not ready when she was, and I let my fear get the best of me, so much that I told her I only wanted to be friends. I tried to show it in other ways, through actions, so she would still know how I felt. Now I’ve lost my best friend, my lover, my home, and the life we shared. I am left to rebuild everything from scratch, in a city that I’m now paranoid to go out in, while she is living it up with her new lover, with no remorse or regret.

 

I’m shattered. I have lost 10 pounds since it happened, I just can’t stomach food..my sleep is off, and my mind cycles through everything over and over and over. Even when I try to distract myself it’s all I can think about. How this amazing person that was my best friend and treated me better than anyone else, has done this to me. I take responsibility for my share, but if she truly loved me, how could this have happened? And now to go on as if I deserved to be cheated on.

 

I so badly wanted to burn her a CD of “our songs”, and leave it in a place in the house where she won’t find it right away, like a book or something. I decided not to, as she now only remembers the negative between us, and not the love we shared. That’s what’s hardest..knowing she feels no remorse. Even though it was incredibly painful what she did, part of me still wants her to reach out again. But I think I have to crush that hope.

 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

[FitnessRN]

First: The girl was in an abusive relationship? That says a lot about her! She could of made a sob story up to try to get you to fall for her, or she just has terrible self-esteem and is desperate. She is a TRAINWRECK! I was with one ex that manipulated me when I hit rock bottom confused about my career..that was 5 months too long..it was messed up. She did everything to try to isolate and control me..after I cut her off..I felt fantastic, I was over it immediately. She stalked for months until she found a new guy lol.. I get over things fast. I can bet you will too after you read a few more comments.

 

 

You never want to be with a girl with terrible self-esteem, issues, and baggage. With girls with terrible self-esteem, I have observed them being the ones that leave guys fast when they don't take their crap when they are desperate for a guy. The guy who doesn't take her crap she leaves and goes to a big time desperate loser and they are together for a while and he doesn't take her crap. All you need to do is give them 3 or 4 compliments and they fall in love with you..Those girls with terrible self-esteem are a players target!

 

 

I always think of dating/relationships as only one time and then its one and done and its over forever.

[CaliBabe]

Ummm FitnessRN, I think you have it wrong. The OP was in an abusive relationship.

 

Not her ex.

[FitnessRN]

Ummm FitnessRN, I think you have it wrong. The OP was in an abusive relationship.

 

Not her ex.

 

 

 

My bad, I read it real fast.

[FitnessRN]

This is going to be long. This will also be the first time I've shared the entire story, so it will be beneficial for me to get it all out.

 

2 years ago in May I met a girl after breaking up with a very abusive ex that cheated on me. She became my best friend, and literally saved my life. During this time she ended up falling in love with me. I stopped contact that October because of something she had done, but 3 months later, realized I was in love with her and reached out. She had started dating someone a week or 2 after NC. I had burned her a CD since she loves my taste in music, and ended up running into her at the bar. We ended up spending the night together, and it was fantastic. She broke things off with the other girl shortly after.

 

Now we hit January/February of last year and I moved her to another city. Things were great at first, but I ended up panicking and told her I wanted to explore life and date as I had only been in one other serious relationship (that was very abusive), and she said she would wait for me because she was deeply in love. I ended up casually seeing 3 people from March-January, but none lasted, as no one could compare to her. I made sure to keep them out of our home, off my facebook, etc, so it wasn’t in her face. We remained best friends and spent the majority of our time together. I always came back to her. In December, I told her I just wanted to be friends, but that it was a decision I would regret for the rest of my life. I just knew that if I had made the commitment to her, I’d be done, and that scared me.

 

So she started to move on without telling me she was doing so. One night in March she tells me she met someone she found intriguing. It was hard to take, but I took it. The following Monday I find out it’s our roommates friend. She then has her over, and they keep me awake til 4 am partying. The next day I’m bombarded with facebook posts and photos of them. I admit I lost my mind. I freaked out, yelled, told her I couldn’t be her friend, among some other very unpleasant things. Usually when this happens she tries talking me down, helping me remain calm, but she fueled it, and continued to see this girl.

 

I emailed the girl and asked her not to be in our home while I was still living there out of respect. I went back home as I was feeling suicidal about the situation, and found out when I returned that she had spent the night while I was away. I was livid once again, but this time explained that it was because I was so in love with her. I asked how she didn’t notice. I had always come back to her, couldn’t commit to others, then flew off the handle when she mentioned interest in anyone else. I had just been so heart broken before that I was terrified of being with her.

 

We ended up trying to work things out, starting in April. Beginning of May she told me she could not give her heart to me again, and I broke down sobbing, begging, pleading, and went to stay with a friend. She emailed me 2 days later saying that if I truly wanted to work on it, that she would too. She said she needed time and space, and couldn’t fully say “yes” yet. I told her in order for anything to work the past has to be left where it belongs, and we move forward. She ultimately couldn’t do this.

 

I found out 2 weeks ago she was having an affair with the girl she told me she broke contact with in March. Her and her friends would all go out together while I was at home (with kidney stones at the time), then she’d come sleep with me, and make love to me in the morning. The thought of it makes me so physically ill, and like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I found out when I looked at her phone. She had the girl as “Dear one”. I asked her blatantly if it was the girl from March and she denied, but I found out later when a friend told me. Before I made this discovery I had called her telling her I was really low and wanted to harm myself. She called the police, and got very upset with me. Turns out she was on a date with the girl and her friends. While I was breaking down sobbing, she just stood there with a smile on her face and told me she felt nothing, that it was my fault. Her parents removed her from the house that night because they thought I would hurt her (I had slapped her once the previous summer for yelling and swearing in my face). Before she left I said “if you cared, you wouldn’t see her again” and she promised she wouldn’t. The following day her parents came to town and told me to stay elsewhere. That weekend was pride and her friends and family spent it with her and the new girl.

 

I had a friend pack and move my things last week. She picked up the remaining things last night, and found that she taped her door shut (!) so she could tell if anyone was inside (she had a photo that belonged to me in her room, it wasn’t snooping). She then texted my friend to say the shower curtain and baking pans were her and to bring them back, which I found outrageous. I haven’t been able to function since it happened. I sent her an email (which was mature, I had a friend read it to be sure), and my ex just responded that “just because things fell apart between us, doesn’t mean you aren’t good enough”. She apologized for lying to herself, and that she didn’t deserve forgiveness. Pity, really.

 

She would tell me all the time that I was her roots, her anchor, that her love was grounded in me, that I was her keeper, that she never felt so whole with another person, etc. She wrote me a book of “50 reasons why you’re awesome”. She spoke of our children leading up to the break. She told me she would never in her life hurt me the way my ex did, especially since her ex finacee cheated on her with her best friend. I found out shes still seeing the girl, and all of her friends just say I’m crazy and to cut me off.

 

Let me be clear on a few things: I am not abusive. I would never in my life harm anyone. Did I react poorly with the slap? Yes. Second, when we tried to reconcile, I did everything to show and prove to her that I was sorry for not being ready to commit sooner. It wasn’t just words, it was also through actions. Third, her and I both suffer from depression. She started to break months ago and wouldn’t seek help, so I sought help for her, and she’s now medicated. She also apologized that she didn’t get help sooner.

So, here I am. Completely broken, not able to eat, and my mind is constantly stewing with the thoughts of them together, living life as though everything is fine and nothing happened. I am also mourning the loss of my best friend. Having her friends love this other girl more, spending all of their time together. I’m left with few friends, and few places I can go where I won’t run into them. I’ve gone complete NC (blocked and deleted all related parties from FB, deleted photos/emails/texts/numbers), and still, nothing eases the pain. How can someone do this? I was her best friend, she knew I had been hurt like this before.

 

I know I was not perfect. The reality is that I was just not ready when she was, and I let my fear get the best of me, so much that I told her I only wanted to be friends. I tried to show it in other ways, through actions, so she would still know how I felt. Now I’ve lost my best friend, my lover, my home, and the life we shared. I am left to rebuild everything from scratch, in a city that I’m now paranoid to go out in, while she is living it up with her new lover, with no remorse or regret.

 

I’m shattered. I have lost 10 pounds since it happened, I just can’t stomach food..my sleep is off, and my mind cycles through everything over and over and over. Even when I try to distract myself it’s all I can think about. How this amazing person that was my best friend and treated me better than anyone else, has done this to me. I take responsibility for my share, but if she truly loved me, how could this have happened? And now to go on as if I deserved to be cheated on.

 

I so badly wanted to burn her a CD of “our songs”, and leave it in a place in the house where she won’t find it right away, like a book or something. I decided not to, as she now only remembers the negative between us, and not the love we shared. That’s what’s hardest..knowing she feels no remorse. Even though it was incredibly painful what she did, part of me still wants her to reach out again. But I think I have to crush that hope.

 

Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

My fault I read it real fast, and skimmed through it. Ok..

 

 

After reading that, you have a wacko manipulating you when you were already broken from a abusive ex...sucks. I sense a dangerous woman and a sociopath.

 

 

You dodged a bullet buddy! You should be happy that infested rodent is out of your life!

[i8barbie]

Any others have advice or words to share? Please..

[Chi townD]

Yep! You both were in the wrong. And this has turned into a toxic relationship that was doomed to explode.

 

 

You were wrong when you ended it with her to "explore and date" other people considering that you one had one serious relationship. How do you think THAT felt to her at the time? Probably felt like the same punch in the gut feeling you got. Then, when you were done running around, "Okay! I'm done! Love you again! Let pick up where we left off!" Sorry, doesn't work that way.

 

 

Now, she was in the wrong too! Bring the girls she's sleeping with around and partying till four in the AM. Smiling at your obvious pain. Sleeping with this girl in your place. Yeah, that was thoughtless and rude.

 

 

You need to stick a fork in this and move on. I take it that this is a lesbian relationship and, if this is the case, it's usually a tight knit community and you have a lot of mutual friends. So, your going to have to distance yourself from that crowd. You need to go NO CONTACT on her. If she calls, let it go to voicemail. If she texts, ignore it. BLOCK HER ON FACEBOOK AND ALL FORMS OF SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!!!

 

 

Time to heal and start making positive changes in your life.

[Grumpybutfun]

First of all, you broke up with her repeatedly. You told her to move on. You only wanted to be with her when she was involved with another woman. Partnerships are about being transparent, dependable and loving and honestly, you were not those things. All of this drama isn't a relationship or a friendship. Just because you have feels for each other doesn't mean it is stable or healthy. My viewpoint is that you and your ex rushed into a relationship too quickly before you were healed from the trauma of your abusive relationship. You needed time to recover and heal and figure out why you were in such a relationship. Instead you rushed into another one with your gf and treated her like she was expendable every time you pushed her away (which I understand why since you were so damaged from the abusive relationship.) You aren't healthy emotionally or mentally and you really need to see someone professionally to deal with self esteem, anger, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Btw, hitting anyone for any reason is not okay and may be a byproduct of your own abuse. Please get help. You are seriously depressed, angry, and out of control and are sabotaging your relationships and your healing.

Good luck and keep posting if you need encouragement. You are going to be okay if you become proactive and get some professional counseling.

Grumps

Edited June 20, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[i8barbie]

First of all, you broke up with her repeatedly. You told her to move on. You only wanted to be with her when she was involved with another woman. Partnerships are about being transparent, dependable and loving and honestly, you were not those things. All of this drama isn't a relationship or a friendship. Just because you have feels for each other doesn't mean it is stable or healthy. My viewpoint is that you and your ex rushed into a relationship too quickly before you were healed from the trauma of your abusive relationship. You needed time to recover and heal and figure out why you were in such a relationship. Instead you rushed into another one with your gf and treated her like she was expendable every time you pushed her away (which I understand why since you were so damaged from the abusive relationship.) You aren't healthy emotionally or mentally and you really need to see someone professionally to deal with self esteem, anger, self harm and suicidal thoughts. Btw, hitting anyone for any reason is not okay and may be a byproduct of your own abuse. Please get help. You are seriously depressed, angry, and out of control and are sabotaging your relationships and your healing.

Good luck and keep posting if you need encouragement. You are going to be okay if you become proactive and get some professional counseling.

Grumps

 

 

 

 

 

I was not ever in a relationship with her up until the last few months. We were best friends and I told her I needed time before I could commit to her in that way. So, I didn't continually break up with her. She told me she would wait until I was ready to make that commitment. By the time I was, all of this had happened. I have not sabotaged my healing in any way, as I've actively sought out support groups, deleted everything that involved her and what we had, and cut out the people we knew mutually. I've been keeping myself busy, meeting new people, and will be starting counseling shortly. I'm sure you meant well in your response, but it wasn't very helpful, and actually quite rude.

[Chi townD]

I was not ever in a relationship with her up until the last few months. We were best friends and I told her I needed time before I could commit to her in that way. So, I didn't continually break up with her. She told me she would wait until I was ready to make that commitment. By the time I was, all of this had happened. I have not sabotaged my healing in any way, as I've actively sought out support groups, deleted everything that involved her and what we had, and cut out the people we knew mutually. I've been keeping myself busy, meeting new people, and will be starting counseling shortly. I'm sure you meant well in your response, but it wasn't very helpful, and actually quite rude.

 

 

How the hell was that rude?!?! Grumpy just hit you with a 2x4 to hopefully open your eyes to what you're not seeing.

 

 

Look, if you're doing all of those things to better yourself and heal from this, then great! But, I also stand by what he said about seeking professional help. There's nothing wrong with seeking help if you need it and there's nothing in it to imply that you're a "nut job" or anything close to that. However, you did state you threatened suicide or hurting yourself a couple of times to your Ex and you HAVE to know that, that kind of behavior and thought patterns aren't good or healthy.

 

 

And if your still living with her, then move! Like...yesterday! You need to get yourself in the right frame of mind and in a positive position in your life to help you heal from this.

 

 

I think you might have took what he wrote the wrong way.

[i8barbie]

So, I came here because some new things have developed and I need some encouragement.

 

 

First, my grandmother passed away on Sunday and I wanted nothing more than to call her. I didn't, I've stuck with no contact, but it was extremely difficult. My friend that moved me out texted her and told her I just had a death in the family and its best if she just leave me alone (she was asking for a few things she thought I took in the move). It's been eating away at me to know if she replied, but I haven't asked. She hasn't reached out to me directly, and that's all I need to know.

 

 

Second, yesterday my first ex (the abusive one) contacted me via email. It's been over 2 years since we broke up. I ran into her in California in April and she essentially told me it was good to see me and to give her a call some time. I am already struggling to deal with my current situation, and now this happens?!

 

 

I could really use some help, I'm not doing very well..

[Chi townD]

First, sorry to hear about your grandmother.

 

 

Second, it's always weird to figure out how these people tend to pop back up into your life. You need to ignore them all!

 

 

Take time to mourn the loss of your grandmother. Surround yourself with family right now. And when your ready, then it's time to start moving on into a brand new life for yourself.

 

 

Do not contact your Ex or even the Ex that you were in an abusive relationship with. You need time for yourself. You don't need to be with someone to identify yourself with! It's okay to be alone for a while. It's okay to take this time to rediscover yourself and learn to love yourself again. Because, I'm assuming that your self esteem, your confidence and your self wroth are in the toilet about now. You need to learn to love yourself. Because if you can't do that, then how do you expect people to love you!

[i8barbie]

How the hell was that rude?!?! Grumpy just hit you with a 2x4 to hopefully open your eyes to what you're not seeing.

 

 

Look, if you're doing all of those things to better yourself and heal from this, then great! But, I also stand by what he said about seeking professional help. There's nothing wrong with seeking help if you need it and there's nothing in it to imply that you're a "nut job" or anything close to that. However, you did state you threatened suicide or hurting yourself a couple of times to your Ex and you HAVE to know that, that kind of behavior and thought patterns aren't good or healthy.

 

 

And if your still living with her, then move! Like...yesterday! You need to get yourself in the right frame of mind and in a positive position in your life to help you heal from this.

 

 

I think you might have took what he wrote the wrong way.

 

 

 

 

 

I found it rude because of the assumptions made about me and the way in which they were written. I see the situation quite clearly. I owned up to the mistakes I made in it, and I also mentioned I was doing what I could to move on and heal, including professional help. I also mentioned I've made steps in my mental recovery by seeing a doctor, getting medication, etc, and I did try to help her in this as well.

 

 

We no longer live together. I got my friend to move all of my stuff out for me, thank god.