enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I have to nip this in the bud and fast or i wont ever have a relationship (or at least a healthy one) with anyone again. I will be dating a guy (not a boyfriend), things will be going great and progressing. Then he will mention seeing me the following week. Great. What I do wrong is this: I will then start texting him the day after or maybe the next day and asking what day we are getting together. Instead of letting him text/call me, and set something up. So, of course he tells me he will have to check his schedule and then instead of seeing him that week, it ends up being the following week when I finally back off and give him space. What to do?? I have tried to relax and it doesnt work. Every single time, it never fails and I get too anxious. I think this is a form of chasing and taking the limelight away from the guy who is supposed to pursue/ask the girl out.
Philosoraptor Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Well it seems like you need to learn patience. Fill your life with other things so you can take your focus off of whomever you are seeing. Fill the rest of your life with happiness and it will provide relationships better soil to blossom. 1
Strength in Healing Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Lol so wait... you're saying what's preventing you from having a relationship is you're texting someone asking what day the plans are good for? Hell. When a girl does this, to me, it shows initiative. I appreciate it personally. This is a little nuts that you think your relationships are failing because you text asking what day to hang out. 2
TXGuy Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 There is nothing wrong with the woman taking initiative, but you are doing it wrong. Your situation is, he says you two will meet up next week. You can wait for him to set up the time and place (which you seem to think is the 'right' thing to do. That is fine Or you can tell him that you would like to meet at applebys next Tuesday at 7pm. He will either agree or counter with an alternate plan. This is also perfectly fine. Either of those options is better than nagging him to come up with a plan. Either let him take the lead or do it yourself. Don't nag him and tell him that he is not leading to your satisfaction.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I am not patient AT ALL. I really like this guy, and we had this great weekend together...but I start becoming too eager. Now I have backed off and giving him space. I have to let things develop on their own instead of trying to control what is meant to be. Not even giving him a chance to miss me.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 There is nothing wrong with the woman taking initiative, but you are doing it wrong. Your situation is, he says you two will meet up next week. You can wait for him to set up the time and place (which you seem to think is the 'right' thing to do. That is fine Or you can tell him that you would like to meet at applebys next Tuesday at 7pm. He will either agree or counter with an alternate plan. This is also perfectly fine. Either of those options is better than nagging him to come up with a plan. Either let him take the lead or do it yourself. Don't nag him and tell him that he is not leading to your satisfaction. Well obviously I am doing something wrong but it isnt nagging. I ask him what day we are getting together and he asks if he can get back to me. So then I dont hear back, and it is that he is working late, etc. So, i leave him alone for a couple days or so, and I text him casually and then he brings it up. It is annoying to me when things dont go according to plan. Like we were supposed to meet this week after work. That isnt happening because he allegedly has to work late all week. So I am leaving him alone.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Lol so wait... you're saying what's preventing you from having a relationship is you're texting someone asking what day the plans are good for? Hell. When a girl does this, to me, it shows initiative. I appreciate it personally. This is a little nuts that you think your relationships are failing because you text asking what day to hang out. Good point. Maybe he isnt the right guy for me then. Or maybe he is and he doesnt know it yet. Who knows. I just think if he was, that he would make it happen if he wanted to see me. Work late or not.
readynow Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Here's what you do - after a last meeting, delete his number. When you say goodbye, just delete his number - and his text messages too. That way, you actually have to wait to hear from him. Hope it works! 2
Fondue Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Sounds like you are being pushy... And that can definitely be a turn-off. Just have self control, man. When you see yourself typing that sort of message, or even hints, delete it. I dunno, maybe it is difficult to have self control. I don't think it should be difficult, but I am not you. Or don't talk between dates. Just tell men from now on that you'd prefer to keep things to in-person only or phone calls-- not texts. That way you limit the conversation and limit yourself from screwing things up.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Sounds like you are being pushy... And that can definitely be a turn-off. Just have self control, man. When you see yourself typing that sort of message, or even hints, delete it. I dunno, maybe it is difficult to have self control. I don't think it should be difficult, but I am not you. Or don't talk between dates. Just tell men from now on that you'd prefer to keep things to in-person only or phone calls-- not texts. That way you limit the conversation and limit yourself from screwing things up. I have noticed that when I dont bring it up, he will. Well, unless it is just casual and we didnt make a plan, and I just ask to hang and then he will either make a plan or whatever. But when i start texting too much, he doesnt bring it up and then I have to back off for a couple of days or so to repeak his interest in seeing me. Seems that after I see him, I need to leave him be for a couple days or so and give him some space. He may think I am trying to move things too fast or something.
scooby-philly Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I agree with the advice given thus far, based off of my experience. But the two points are contradictory. You probably do come off too strong - judging by what you shared about his actions. But, many men would find it a relief to have a woman take the lead on making plans. Yet as someone pointed out, the issue could just be basic compatibility. However, .... there's a third option, which someone mentioned, which is really how you find the happy medium - you need a life outside of him/whoever you are dating. Life is about balance. I have found that out the hard way. You can't be in a relationship that lasts and is healthy if you're always around each other, and you can't be in a healthy relationship if you're constantly apart. Yes there will naturally be swings based off of life - is someone working late one week, does someone travel 1 week or a few days a month, is someone going to grad school at night, etc. Things though, should even out over a long period of time. You need to develop hobbies and interests. Hopefully you can share them - at least one or two - and likewise with the other person. And you have to be honest with yourself about where you are in life. I've had some failures in relationships because I wanted something my partner couldn't give or I was shamed/fearful of losing someone if I wasn't always around them. Relationships are just that - relationships. If you can't figure out your passions/interests/hobbies it's probably because you repressed them at some point in your life because of fear, shame, or isolation - i.e. I love to travel - even as a kid, but we didn't have a lot of money and a lot of working class teens don't travel too much these days - it isn't "cool" and it costs money. Whether it comes to this person or anyone you date in the future, find yourself - and good things and people will come into your life and you'll find yourself able to communicate better, you'll have more patience, and you'll find you do better in the relationship. 1
Author enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I agree with the advice given thus far, based off of my experience. But the two points are contradictory. You probably do come off too strong - judging by what you shared about his actions. But, many men would find it a relief to have a woman take the lead on making plans. Yet as someone pointed out, the issue could just be basic compatibility. However, .... there's a third option, which someone mentioned, which is really how you find the happy medium - you need a life outside of him/whoever you are dating. Life is about balance. I have found that out the hard way. You can't be in a relationship that lasts and is healthy if you're always around each other, and you can't be in a healthy relationship if you're constantly apart. Yes there will naturally be swings based off of life - is someone working late one week, does someone travel 1 week or a few days a month, is someone going to grad school at night, etc. Things though, should even out over a long period of time. You need to develop hobbies and interests. Hopefully you can share them - at least one or two - and likewise with the other person. And you have to be honest with yourself about where you are in life. I've had some failures in relationships because I wanted something my partner couldn't give or I was shamed/fearful of losing someone if I wasn't always around them. Relationships are just that - relationships. If you can't figure out your passions/interests/hobbies it's probably because you repressed them at some point in your life because of fear, shame, or isolation - i.e. I love to travel - even as a kid, but we didn't have a lot of money and a lot of working class teens don't travel too much these days - it isn't "cool" and it costs money. Whether it comes to this person or anyone you date in the future, find yourself - and good things and people will come into your life and you'll find yourself able to communicate better, you'll have more patience, and you'll find you do better in the relationship. I was with him over the weekend, so the plan was to meet up later in the week which i think is reasonable. But now, seems he has to work late this week. Not sure if its true or if I am smothering him, but i see a trend whenever I get too pushy it doesnt happen. But whatever, we may just not be compatible although I felt we were and he really seemed to be into me. If he was though, I dont think he would make work excuses. He would just make it happen.
marcjb Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Lol so wait... you're saying what's preventing you from having a relationship is you're texting someone asking what day the plans are good for? Hell. When a girl does this, to me, it shows initiative. I appreciate it personally. This is a little nuts that you think your relationships are failing because you text asking what day to hang out. This. I love it when a girl shows initiative and lets me know that she's into me. I hate all of that game playing BS. No point in hiding feelings.
Keenly Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 As far as i can tell... the problem isn't with you, its with these men. If you asking for advanced notice is too much for them, that's all on them.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 This. I love it when a girl shows initiative and lets me know that she's into me. I hate all of that game playing BS. No point in hiding feelings. Honestly, I think he is hiding his feelings. When were together I can tell he is into me, but then after he kind of gets quiet. I dont like that. I feel that if your into someone, afterwards you should be talking reguarly and he is pushing me away. 1
marcjb Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Honestly, I think he is hiding his feelings. When were together I can tell he is into me, but then after he kind of gets quiet. I dont like that. I feel that if your into someone, afterwards you should be talking reguarly and he is pushing me away. Just don't reward his lack of attention with much more attention than he is giving you.
Author enchanted771 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Just don't reward his lack of attention with much more attention than he is giving you. In the past i would have. It is like the rubber band effect if someone is pushing you away, you dont give more attention you back off. So giving him space for a few days. I dont know what his deal is, but i dont think its fair. He is the one who said he wanted to get together this week, and then when I try and plan it, he gives bogus excuses. I cannot stand games.
Versacehottie Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I have to nip this in the bud and fast or i wont ever have a relationship (or at least a healthy one) with anyone again. I will be dating a guy (not a boyfriend), things will be going great and progressing. Then he will mention seeing me the following week. Great. What I do wrong is this: I will then start texting him the day after or maybe the next day and asking what day we are getting together. Instead of letting him text/call me, and set something up. So, of course he tells me he will have to check his schedule and then instead of seeing him that week, it ends up being the following week when I finally back off and give him space. What to do?? I have tried to relax and it doesnt work. Every single time, it never fails and I get too anxious. I think this is a form of chasing and taking the limelight away from the guy who is supposed to pursue/ask the girl out. Well it seems like you have your problem figured out. Now all you have to do is EXECUTE the solution that you said. Be patient. Have other things going on. There's something probably that is "missing" from your perception of it just being trying to set the date and time. I'm going to guess that it's that he feels your anxiety and desperation. You said in an another post on this thread that you hate games but isn't being in touch with him but secretly waiting for him to set the date just another version of a game? I realize it's hard but I think a lot of these issues come from wanting a certain outcome at any cost. I think it would help if you are getting impatient in these situations to simply decide if you believe in a traditional approach (guy asks girl out) or non-traditonal and commit to it. The non-traditional works for some guys but it has to be a component of who you are rather than a way to ease your anxiety or produce an outcome you want. In other words, you would become a lot more like a guy in asking out and that probably will result in more rejection. But if it really is who you are well than you are going to weed out a lot of unsuitable guys for you right away. All that said, I tend to believe that for the majority of guys (and girls) a traditional approach is how the majority of us would like it to work at the beginning. It's just biology of a guy expressing his masculine side to pursue and a girl expressing her feminine to be pursued and within that itself is part of the attraction. If I had a dollar for every time a good girl has messed up with a guy by just not being patient and living her own life. I'm going to be completely honest and say that I can feel the desperation right within the body of the posts from OP. My rec is to give him some space as you said on one of your posts. Hope it's not too late. Good luck
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