Should rent and utilities be split evenly even though he makes less?

June 18, 2014

Hello Everyone,

I thank you for taking the time to read this in advance.

I have been with my significant other for about 6 years now and we had split up once due to him deciding to leave. Long story. After a few months he came back for reasons I still don't believe. Anyway, bottom line is that our current living situation is the following:

-Currently in a 12 month lease, just renewed

-Rent is $2000 a month

-Apartment is close to his work, 1 bedroom, I work from home

-He gives me $700 of the $2000 for rent monthly and I pay the remaining $1300

-I pay all the utilities which add up to around $400 a month

-I make more than him by about $1200 per month

To clear a few things up, although I make more than he does per month, I do have multiple medical expenses out of pocket and other financial obligations such as caring and feeding our pets, buying groceries, etc. which he does not have/do. His list of personal payments are a car payment, cell phone, and car insurance, which I also have as well. Also, not money related, I am the only one who cleans the house.

I have discussed splitting everything evenly because I am usually broke by the end of each pay cycle and he fights me with the fact that he makes far less than I do and that he cannot afford to contribute more. He will get on my case about being broke stating that I am just irresponsible, failing to see that I have much more financial obligation than he does. I see his bank statements and he buys quite a few "fun" things every pay check, enough so that I can see he could clearly help out more, if not half, if he really wanted to.

We were engaged before he broke up with me 1 1/2 years ago. Upon getting back together, he has had no intentions of getting married or re-engaged and has made that painfully clear. Any time I bring up money and him pulling more weight, it turns into a fight.

This situation has left me with not a lot of money left over to save up in order to move out (saving first and last for a security deposit for a new place), and also needing the little he does give me because I cannot afford this place by myself. I cannot get a roommate if I were to have him leave because I work from home and I have 4 cats which are my life. I am 38 and have thrown my child bearing years away on this guy so they are like my kids. Also, he has no where he can go that he can afford. I have looked at roommate ads but no one will accept 4 cats.

I really feel that I am stuck here and I don't know what other options I have. The ones I have, I listed above but will bullet point below with the reasons. If anyone has any other ideas for me, please let me know.

-Kick him out and get a roommate:

I have a very small 1 bedroom and work from home, just to make ends meet I need $700 a month, something that no one will pay for a sofa and I can't have someone home making noise while I work - I don't want to put my job in jeopardy.

-Give him the pay half ultimatum:

I have done this, it just leads to him fighting that he has no money to pay more with which I know is a lie.

-Move out and break your lease:

With the amount I have left at the end of all I pay, I barely have enough to save for a security deposit in order to move. I need him to contribute more so that I can actually save a realistic amount.

-Be a roommate with someone else:

I have 4 cats that are my children and no one will take in 4 cats and I cannot and will not give them up, that is something I stand firm about. I won't be having kids because I stupidly threw 6 years away in this relationship so these are my kids.

So, thoughts?

June 18, 2014

You say you're essentially broke at the end of the month and so I assume you don't have extra to save or use for recreation, etc. If he has any extra, then he should contribute at least half of his extra so that you both have some left over for incidentals and fun.

Ideally, if you are both on the lease, you should both be paying half the lease costs and half all other housing-related costs. If those are too much for either of you and you feel that you don't want to subsidize each other, then you shouldn't have leased such an expensive place, IMO.

Your other comments indicate that he is not contributing much non-financially either. Why are you with him again?

June 18, 2014

One suggestion that I've seen resolve this issue for some couples is to pay a percentage of the bills based on your percentage of the household income. In other words, if you bring in 60% of the household income then you pay 60% of the bills. If he only brings in 40% of the income, then he only pays 40% of the bills.

In this way, it keeps the concept that if you make more money, you can afford to pay more but keeps it somewhat mathmatically "fair."

June 18, 2014

Well we have been here for a few years and over that time a few things have happened. 1) The rent went up from $1800 to $2000, and 2) I lost my job thanks to the job market and currently took a major pay cut to get the job I have now which is secure. By the time the lease renewal rolls around, the amount saved is never enough to move out. Ideally for a cheaper place, we need to find a private rental which usually requires first and last month's rent. So alone or together, that is looking at about $2-3K just to move.

June 18, 2014

I like that approach. I haven't done a complete % review of everything tallied up. I think I will do that and present that to him. Hopefully it will be less intrusive than asking for half. Thank you for that idea!!!

June 18, 2014

You are in a tough spot. I agree that I would not be willing to agree to the terms you are paying and that he is getting a free ride.

However, it appears you are stuck with it under the circumstances, particularly since you just signed a new lease.

I don't have any specific suggestions, but you need to get this guy out of your life.

June 18, 2014

You two need to put all the finances -- income & expenses -- on the table to come up with an equitable split. Perhaps you need a cheaper apartment.

June 18, 2014

I like that approach. I haven't done a complete % review of everything tallied up. I think I will do that and present that to him. Hopefully it will be less intrusive than asking for half. Thank you for that idea!!!

You're welcome. Like I said, this at least puts some math to it rather than people just subjectively saying what they "can't afford" and both sides getting resentful anytime someone buys themself a candy bar or something. If he pays his 40% then the rest of his income is at his discretion. It takes away a lot of the arguing. And even though you would still be paying more, I bet you'd feel much better about this approach than just paying more based on numbers that were pulled out of thin air. It's a system you can tell to just about anyone (including parents & families) that most people can get behind and say, I can see how that's fair.

Typically I would recommend it only to married couples (ideally, I think everything should be 50/50 when dating because of the potential for breakups) but considering that you're already living together and doing a form of this anyway, you might as well put some numbers behind it.

June 18, 2014

Sounds like you're just making bad decision after bad decision...if financially you can't afford this place with the bills alone or with this guy even, why in the world did you renew the lease here? so that he didn't have to live farther away from work? you work from home for crying out loud, you can live anywhere!

Furthermore if this guy has been stringing you along for 6 years and you've been just bending over and taking it even though he's already left you, taken marriage and kids off the table completely and you're still with him even though these are things you want, then you're just hard headed and aren't being strong enough to pull YOURSELF out of this situation, so I highly doubt you've got the ovaries to kick him out now and continue to play the woe-is-me victim role...it sounds like you're just whining and making excuses without actually doing anything about it and trying to figure out how to get out of this situation and looking for options at least from what's been said here, because half of you is very likely still, invested in this crap thinking things are magically going to work out or turn around, like this one next argument is really going to make a difference...you're really just wringing yourself out like a wet towel until it finally sinks through your head aren't you? Because this is not about the bills alone, the relationship isn't even right.

Because seriously....renewing the 1 year lease, c'mon, couldn't you have tried to get a loan? you're 38, have a job, make enough money to pay 2k a month for a damn one bedroom for crying out loud, couldn't you have borrowed money from someone/family that can help you get out of this situation? I could only imagine everything you've sacrificed and given up to be with this guy too, financially and emotionally.

At the end of the day you can cry about this all you want but it seems to be that YOU have just been letting this guy do whatever the hell he feels like throughout the relationship and unfortunately like many women only tried to deny the truth/reality and "hope" for miracles, just waiting it out like you're going fishing or some shet...but at the end of the day you're going to just be "stuck" with this guy or finally when something happens bad enough you'll be forced to move on or he may even leave you...but why would he leave you? sounds like he's got a decent life living there with you, doesn't seem like he has a better option either, so he kind of needs your help above all else.

Now you're trying to make an argument about the bills? why are you even arguing with this guy? you think anyone here is going to make him pay and help out more? how long has this even been going on? I just anticipate bad money management on both sides.

Figure out a way to get out of this, because really you're either going to be forced to or you're going to initiate yourself instead of be "blind-sided" by life, because we all know how strange that is in life, said no one ever...you've got one year to plan, do something about it...can't believe you wasted your mid 30's on this guy because you thought you'd get the happy home and kids, what a shame and let down to yourself, you shouldn't have accepted that...some people just got to stop looking at others and caring about what they are doing and think about themselves and then actually take some responsibility to get themselves out of a screwed up situation that they put themselves in and figure it out instead of making excuses or putting blame, expecting the other person to change or accept responsibility they really never have, you can only take control of your own life if there's no compromise or satisfactory outcome then you move yourself on, that's why think you think and plan ahead of time...so when you are going to get that you can't change this guy? he is not going to listen to you, he's doing to do what he wants because that's likely what you've let him do the entire relationship...he does not respect you as a partner, and he's just using you for his own benefit.

And these other little details and battles or irrelevant, think about the things you are unhappy about that will never change...there is no perfect or happy ending here.

June 18, 2014

Sounds like you're just making bad decision after bad decision...if financially you can't afford this place with the bills alone or with this guy even, why in the world did you renew the lease here? so that he didn't have to live farther away from work? you work from home for crying out loud, you can live anywhere!

Furthermore if this guy has been stringing you along for 6 years and you've been just bending over and taking it even though he's already left you, taken marriage and kids off the table completely and you're still with him even though these are things you want, then you're just hard headed and aren't being strong enough to pull YOURSELF out of this situation, so I highly doubt you've got the ovaries to kick him out now and continue to play the woe-is-me victim role...it sounds like you're just whining and making excuses without actually doing anything about it and trying to figure out how to get out of this situation and looking for options at least from what's been said here, because half of you is very likely still, invested in this crap thinking things are magically going to work out or turn around, like this one next argument is really going to make a difference...you're really just wringing yourself out like a wet towel until it finally sinks through your head aren't you? Because this is not about the bills alone, the relationship isn't even right.

Because seriously....renewing the 1 year lease, c'mon, couldn't you have tried to get a loan? you're 38, have a job, make enough money to pay 2k a month for a damn one bedroom for crying out loud, couldn't you have borrowed money from someone/family that can help you get out of this situation? I could only imagine everything you've sacrificed and given up to be with this guy too, financially and emotionally.

At the end of the day you can cry about this all you want but it seems to be that YOU have just been letting this guy do whatever the hell he feels like throughout the relationship and unfortunately like many women only tried to deny the truth/reality and "hope" for miracles, just waiting it out like you're going fishing or some shet...but at the end of the day you're going to just be "stuck" with this guy or finally when something happens bad enough you'll be forced to move on or he may even leave you...but why would he leave you? sounds like he's got a decent life living there with you, doesn't seem like he has a better option either, so he kind of needs your help above all else.

Now you're trying to make an argument about the bills? why are you even arguing with this guy? you think anyone here is going to make him pay and help out more? how long has this even been going on? I just anticipate bad money management on both sides.

Figure out a way to get out of this, because really you're either going to be forced to or you're going to initiate yourself instead of be "blind-sided" by life, because we all know how strange that is in life, said no one ever...you've got one year to plan, do something about it...can't believe you wasted your mid 30's on this guy because you thought you'd get the happy home and kids, what a shame and let down to yourself, you shouldn't have accepted that...some people just got to stop looking at others and caring about what they are doing and think about themselves and then actually take some responsibility to get themselves out of a screwed up situation that they put themselves in and figure it out instead of making excuses or putting blame, expecting the other person to change or accept responsibility they really never have, you can only take control of your own life if there's no compromise or satisfactory outcome then you move yourself on, that's why think you think and plan ahead of time...so when you are going to get that you can't change this guy? he is not going to listen to you, he's doing to do what he wants because that's likely what you've let him do the entire relationship...he does not respect you as a partner, and he's just using you for his own benefit.

And these other little details and battles or irrelevant, think about the things you are unhappy about that will never change...there is no perfect or happy ending here.

I won't lie, my credit is horrible due to some bad decisions in the past few years and some gaps in employment so getting a loan is out of the question. I don't have any family or friends I can borrow from either so on that front, I am out on a limb.

June 18, 2014

No need for your narrative.

Accept it or move on. Simple.

In order to move on, I need to make the financial adjustment so I can save $ in order to move on. Right now, I can't go anywhere.

June 18, 2014

How is the lease structured?

Check with the landlord to see if they'll release him from the lease, if he's on it.

It appears your goal is to end this living arrangement and find a way to live solo with your cats and, apparently, right now you feel you need the 700.00/mo BF provides for housing.

Are you willing to think creatively to achieve your goal?

In the meantime, push for 140 on the utilities. All he can do is say 'no'. If so, economize. Cut off non-essentials. Go dark. Stop cable. etc. Sour the milk.

Remember, the person who cares the least has the most power and control. Do what you need to do to accomplish your goal.

June 18, 2014

At minimum he should be paying a share of the utilities and groceries. I agree with the suggestions above that you both contribute by percentage of income.

I really don't understand why you renewed this lease. Since you work from home, you can work anywhere. Couldn't you find a cheap studio apartment or even just a room somewhere for yourself? It seems like you could find something to get around the first/last month's rent issue. But what's done is done. You are stuck there for another year, unless you break the lease. Does your lease allow for subleasing? If so, you could try to find someone to take it over.

-Kick him out and get a roommate:
I have a very small 1 bedroom and work from home, just to make ends meet I need $700 a month, something that no one will pay for a sofa and I can't have someone home making noise while I work - I don't want to put my job in jeopardy.

You give the new roommate the bedroom and split the rent in half. Find someone who works the same hours you work, but outside of the house. If you work during the day, you find a roommate with a 9-5 job, so they are out of the house when you are working.

But the 4 cats are a huge problem. No way would I even consider moving into a tiny one bedroom apartment where 4 cats live.

-Give him the pay half ultimatum:
I have done this, it just leads to him fighting that he has no money to pay more with which I know is a lie.

If he refuses to contribute to normal utilities and groceries, I would do the following:

-- Change the password to the Internet Wi-Fi, and don't give it to him unless he agrees to pay half the Internet bill.

-- Disconnect the Cable TV (if you have it) or Netflix or whatever you are using. It's an unnecessary expense.

-- Buy only enough food for yourself at the grocery store. Hide any perishables. Maybe get a safe. Do not buy anything for him or that he requests.

-- Stop paying for anything for him, period.

-Move out and break your lease:
With the amount I have left at the end of all I pay, I barely have enough to save for a security deposit in order to move. I need him to contribute more so that I can actually save a realistic amount.

It doesn't sound like breaking the lease is an option, once you pay the fee to break the lease on top of a new security deposit. Can you find other ways to earn some additional money? Maybe sell some things on eBay? There is a thread going up in the Business and Professional section that is discussing additional ways to earn money. Check that out.

-Be a roommate with someone else:
I have 4 cats that are my children and no one will take in 4 cats and I cannot and will not give them up, that is something I stand firm about. I won't be having kids because I stupidly threw 6 years away in this relationship so these are my kids.

Yeah, the 4 cats are a huge problem. If you refuse to give them up, then you are basically stuck where you are. I guess you'll just have to make the best of it.

June 18, 2014

Who's obligated on the lease - both of you? Getting out of the lease early for you would be ideal. I don't see a lot of benefit to taking HIS name off the lease, unfortunately.

I suggest a crash plan - which you develop and put in writing as a contract with yourself - to use this locked-in 12 months to create a move-out and move-on fund. Take discretionary spending down to the minimum. Stop buying him groceries. Buy things he won't eat, store your food elsewhere, live on beans and rice and shredded cabbage (cabbage keeps a long time and has lots of Vitamin C). No more cable or landline....min plan on your cell....cats learn to eat the cheap stuff (they're family so they need to be in on the solution too). Stop having sex (?) and consider saving the money you may be spending for birth control. Ethical, dignified scrounging for food, toiletries, clothes etc. among friends and neighbors may be outside your comfort zone, but people often have a lot they are happy to get rid of. Sell things at a garage sale.

It should be possible to save $200 a month this way (with some grit, but after all you're doing this for your future). That gives you your move-out fund right there at the end of your lease. You must be able to find a cheaper space given that you won't need to be close to your freeloading, irritating "bf"'s work. Yes, cats make it harder but not impossible. This is your life we're fighting for, so it's worth 100 phone calls, asking advice everywhere you can, etc. Just set your mind on the idea you will find a solution and write down the practical steps you will take to develop those answers.

Ooh, cross posted with clia! Well, great minds think alike!

June 18, 2014

Generally, I think bills should be split 50/50 regardless of who makes more, unless the bills are out of the low earner's price range.

Did your bf seek out and agree to the $2000 a month apartment? If so, he should pay half. If not and you let him move in knowing he couldn't afford it, then no he shouldn't be expected to pay half.

June 18, 2014

I won't lie, my credit is horrible due to some bad decisions in the past few years and some gaps in employment so getting a loan is out of the question. I don't have any family or friends I can borrow from either so on that front, I am out on a limb.

I hear you...I see you live in SoCal. I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area and my husband I were eventually forced to relocate when I lost my job...which was 2/3 of our income. The high cost of living also left us penniless and credit ruined. Since you have your own business...any chance you can relocate elsewhere and your boyfriend can find another job somewhere more affordable?

Edited June 18, 2014 by pink_sugar

June 18, 2014

Doesn't sound fair or equitable and it doesn't sound like you think this relationship is going anywhere either. Why are you living together? The facts prove that couples who cohabitate before marriage have a far higher divorce rate than those who don't, have higher instances of domestic abuse, and poor marital communication. Drastic steps now can save you from lots of regrets later.

June 18, 2014

Find out of the management company has other rental properties, there could be cheaper apartments in a different complex you could transfer to. 2k in rent is absurd if you can't afford it alone, why can't you guys live outside of the city & save money and he can commute to work?

June 19, 2014

If one partner earns far more than the other, I think the two fairest options are either splitting bills by % of income (as discussed already), or splitting 50/50 but living in a place where the poorer person can easily afford their share (even if it's not as nice as the richer person would prefer).

If your partner won't agree to pay a share of bills proportional to his income, then maybe you need to discuss moving to a cheaper place next time the rental contract is renewed, so he can afford to pay half.

If he won't do that, sounds like he's just using you for your money - living in a nice place without having to pay.

Good on you for not wanting to dump your cats. Whether or not people agree it was sensible to get 4 cats when you do not own a permanent residence, I think it shows good character not to kick them to to curb when the going get tough.

June 19, 2014

Also, not money related, I am the only one who cleans the house.

If he did take over the cleaning duties, would you be okay with the financial situation as it is? If you would be okay, then that might be a fair compromise.

That said, I agree with veggirl: If finances are an issue, best option would be to move out after lease ends and get a cheaper apartment even if it means not having close access to entertainment in the city, and a longer commute.

June 19, 2014

If one partner earns far more than the other, I think the two fairest options are either splitting bills by % of income (as discussed already), or splitting 50/50 but living in a place where the poorer person can easily afford their share (even if it's not as nice as the richer person would prefer).

If your partner won't agree to pay a share of bills proportional to his income, then maybe you need to discuss moving to a cheaper place next time the rental contract is renewed, so he can afford to pay half.

If he won't do that, sounds like he's just using you for your money - living in a nice place without having to pay.

Good on you for not wanting to dump your cats. Whether or not people agree it was sensible to get 4 cats when you do not own a permanent residence, I think it shows good character not to kick them to to curb when the going get tough.

99% of rental places don't allow more than 2 pets. I am assuming the OP isn't telling her landlord about the 2 extra pets?

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Should rent and utilities be split evenly even though he makes less?

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