Should I have broken up when it was necessary

[Bumping in my trunk]

Long wall of text incoming

 

To make a very long story short, I was in a LDR for a little more than a year. It finally ended Monday after it was over in the beginning of June.

 

A little back story.

I met her on chatroulette and clicked instantly. We talked for a long time and feelings developed. I eventually shared them but I was very cold and prevented us from being in a relationship. The whole time we were very close and shared many things of our lives but she eventually found someone else cuz she thought she was wasting her time with me. And I noticed how she changed and missed how we were until I had to pressure her to tell me if she had someone else. It took three days but she eventually confessed. Anyway, that's when the problems started.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/445847-lines-between-love-hate

 

After that whole situation was cleared up and she made her mind about being with me, she was invited to a club, went, and I warned drinking and losing control. Well, that's the first thing she did. It was my 6pm and her 12am (jan 1) sent her a happy new years and she responded with thank you, love you, and a heart. The party had really just started and when it was over, I got a VERY drunk text saying she didn't want his kisses and only mines and that she was really sorry and to PLEASE forgive her. I was calm and asked her what was wrong and it was a lot of drunk truth. We skyped when she got home and she was WASTED. She couldn't even sit straight. She couldn't remember parts of her night. She confessed that night and then some more the next day. She told me was wild and kissed and groped and touched each other until "apparently" she stopped it cuz she realized what she was doing. I was ready to dump her. I actually warned her about it but the only reason I took her back was cuz

1) We weren't officially in a relationship yet

2) she begged. She pleaded and said that is not her nature.

3) I was afraid she would go back to this other guy.

 

I asked for her to be exact and honest about what she did and she said it was just a really heavy makeout session with lots of touching if you know what I mean. I was disgusted by her and I stayed also out of pity for her cuz her friends had left her apparently after what she did that night. So far, STRIKE #1

 

It was so hard to trust her. She saw it was so hard. I tried to forgive and forget but since it was a LDR I could never really know if it was just a version of the truth. We continued, eventually got over that whole charliefoxtrot and we got in a relationship. But one day, I see on facebook the guy that she kissed with. She described where he was from and how he looked like so I thought it must be him. He checked in on events and I saw he was in the party as her so as soon as I saw that I striked gold (or ****)

 

I confronted her about it. She was so sketchy when I asked. All she could ask was

-How do you know?

-Are you stalking me

-Are you hacking me

 

She couldn't admit to it until I asked her if they added each other somewhere. I didn't mention facebook and I'm glad I did because when she finally admitted it THEN she said Skype.

 

guys....wtf. Seriously. Skype?

 

I asked her WHYYYYYYYY. Why on earth would she add a guy that she completely told me she didn't want. A guy she regretted doing all that stuff with. And she couldn't say anything. She tried to defend her self saying that it was him who sent the request. And I said why does that ****ing matter??? She still accepted. What kind of person does that? Accept some guy they probably ****ed when she said she loved me. That's STRIKE 2.

 

Now keep in my those were the two worst offenses. She broke my trust before and she did it after. The 3rd biggest offense was when she couldn't delete this other guy I was talking about, the one who lives in Switzerland. Eventually we fought so bad that we broke up and she begged me to take her back but I said no until she got rid of him. That didn't work cuz she just went running to him. For all of April and May she had been doing the same **** from November and December. Look in this thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/long-distance-relationships/476487-i-think-you-guys-were-right

 

It was a constant battle of back and forth like that. Until she finally said she loved him and wanted to try with him. I begged and tried to keep her and eventually she tried with me again. Until we fought cuz she couldn't talk with me cuz she was busy with him. I tried NC and she started throwing breadcrumbs after three days

 

As I suspected

 

The breadcrumb on fb was about me.

 

And now she has sent me this message. Or more like breadcrumb.

 

"[My name], i really cant take this. Its hurting me so much, my day is not ok if i dont talk to u. At least, answer to me, tell me that you are good, i really worry and i just wanna know that u r ok, please text me when u see this"

 

I will admit that even If I'm moving on I still want the whole damn loaf. I mean, thats the facking reason we always fought. Because she wasnt commiting herself to me 100% and still had contact with that guy. I wanted her for me and for me ONLY. I hate sharing. The only reason I put up with her **** in December is because I didn't wanna lose her completely and I hoped that she would actually be 100% mine.

 

Now, this is the part where you guys REALLY need to reply. I need help. I'm tempted to respond. I know I should wait until I'm healed completely or until I get a "i regret it, lets try again." Should I reply, even short?

 

Anyway, I couldn't reply cuz I was dealing with some things in my life and also cuz I was heartbroken. Well, what she did was take the fastest plane to Switzerland and did who knows what with him. I replied to a message I sent her telling her that I couldn't love her and or be there for her in anyway (in an attempt to explain my NC) She then explained she needed to figure out who she wanted and to make sure who she wants to be cuz she hated her current situation. The day, after they met, she put up a picture of them on Whatsapp. How considerate.

 

I told her and I told myself that things would be over with me if she saw him first. And even seeing things now I see that they are over. NC has helped me but I still miss her like crazy and all we planned to do. It also drives me crazy she got to do it with him and not with me. But the question is...should I have dumped her on those 2 occasions? I really wanted to jump ship cuz I couldn't deal with that. And what pisses me off so much is that she accused me of not trusting her and her having to "justify" herself with me. I REALLY WONDER WHY GUYS.

 

I'm trying to move on. I try to focus on those two strikes but the memories and all we planned for our lives and how good we were seems to trump what she did and how she broke my trust. Even when we were together I told her to delete that guy and she didn't want to. She gave me BS reasons like I cant live without him or hes my best friend but I always thought it was about having backup but she denied it until, again, she admitted it to me.

 

SHOULD I HAVE LEFT THOSE TWO TIMES???????????????? I keep asking myself that. I need help. I need you guys' input. It would greatly help me move on with my life and be happy with my life and not think about them and what they plan to do and how all our plans just crumbled.

[AnyaNova]

So, imagine I post here.

 

Imagine that I say that I was with a man that I'd recently ended things with, because he continued to be in communication with someone that he had cheated on me with (and do you really, really believe that all they did was kiss and grope?) and refused to cut communication with? That he continued to visit her? And you know they aren't playing monopoly the whole time.

 

That I'd broken up with him twice already for this behavior, and it still failed to deter him. That I'd broken up with him each time before because I knew in my heart and my gut that...

 

1) My absence is not enough to make him stop the behavior. If I want a relationship with him, I must accept being cheated on constantly.

 

and

 

2) I could never ever truly rest in him because I could never truly trust and respect him, and that after cheating he simply disgusted me, even though I still loved him.

 

And then I ask you if I was wrong to have broken up with him, if I should try and make amends, or try to get him back.

 

What would you say to me?

[Bumping in my trunk]

(and do you really, really believe that all they did was kiss and grope?)

 

That's the thing. Even now I don't fully 100% believe it. Maybe fingering or she let him eat her out or she did bj IDK. She said the other guy wanted her to go away somewhere else and to go out to hotel but she didn't do it. She refused to that and stopped with him. And EVEN if she didn't do that, I'm thinking about the fight she had with one of her friends there. Apparently her friend was also disgusted with the way she acted there. So if her friend was repulsed, what did they really do? And every time I mention that night she just wants to forget it.

 

And they didn't visit. I'm sure of that. You are confusing the guy she kissed (probably ****ed) with the guy I had been competing against. The guy she left me for was a completely different person that she finally met for the first time last weekend and the one I was competing against, as stupid as that sounds

 

But still, "why did she keep in contact with that guy from club after everything," is what I ask myself. She eventually deleted him from facebook cuz he wasn't a friend anymore and I hope Skype too. I guess that's why I gave her back a little trust.

 

 

 

What would you say to me?

 

I'd say you deserve someone who is honest and trustworthy and is loyal to you. But it's so hard to let go. Maybe after telling me over and over that she only kissed and she truly loved me I started believing it, even if she left me for someone else. If I had let go then I would be so much better now. And I know in the future I will be better but I just want to move on as fast as possible. No contact helps but the memories and the doubt and what could have been just screw me up. Specially after they could see each other and we couldn't

[AnyaNova]

That's the thing. Even now I don't fully 100% believe it. Maybe fingering or she let him eat her out or she did bj IDK. She said the other guy wanted her to go away somewhere else and to go out to hotel but she didn't do it. She refused to that and stopped with him. And EVEN if she didn't do that, I'm thinking about the fight she had with one of her friends there. Apparently her friend was also disgusted with the way she acted there. So if her friend was repulsed, what did they really do? And every time I mention that night she just wants to forget it.

 

See, the fact that she "just wants to forget it" is a huge red flag to me. You don't get to even begin to cheat on someone, and I'm sorry, for me even kissing someone else DOES constitute cheating. But you don't get to cheat on your partner, and then refuse to hear their feelings and concerns and dismiss them because its over for you (sorry about the second person there, I am speaking in a general you, not referring to you specifically).

 

Do you hear now, the immense level of selfishness that she has? That she hurts you in that manner even once, and gets annoyed at you for having emotions about it and needing to communicate about it? And does this multiply?

 

She did cheat, even if she didn't have full on penetrative sex, she cheated on you and your heart knows this.

 

And they didn't visit. I'm sure of that. You are confusing the guy she kissed (probably ****ed) with the guy I had been competing against. The guy she left me for was a completely different person that she finally met for the first time last weekend and the one I was competing against, as stupid as that sounds

 

Apologies for the confusion, I should have read more carefully. It doesn't sound stupid. Love really really interferes with our judgment. Please, you are suffering enough, please don't beat yourself up for being blinded. Quite possibly not only was she physically beautifully, but probably incredibly charming and able to talk her way out of nearly anything.

 

So for you, with some time and objectivity, does knowing that you were competing with someone else while in a relationship now seem like a big red flag?

 

But still, "why did she keep in contact with that guy from club after everything," is what I ask myself. She eventually deleted him from facebook cuz he wasn't a friend anymore and I hope Skype too. I guess that's why I gave her back a little trust.

 

Because she wanted to keep him around as an option. I'm not sure if she's a social climber, or just a selfish narcissist or both. Do you think it is possible that she did that, deleted him from those, to manipulatively keep you around a little longer?

 

I'd say you deserve someone who is honest and trustworthy and is loyal to you. But it's so hard to let go. Maybe after telling me over and over that she only kissed and she truly loved me I started believing it, even if she left me for someone else. If I had let go then I would be so much better now. And I know in the future I will be better but I just want to move on as fast as possible. No contact helps but the memories and the doubt and what could have been just screw me up. Specially after they could see each other and we couldn't

 

It is so hard to let go.

 

Every time you start remembering a good memory, for now, to help you keep the relationship in perspective, would you be willing to try redirecting to remember at least one bad memory?

 

What is it that you doubt? Your decision? If so, try writing down not what you hope would happen or would want to happen, but what you truthfully know inside your gut would have happened if you'd stayed with her. Write out the fights, the tension, never being able to trust her, her retaking up with the one guy at some point (I'm sure she has), and spending time with your competition. All of it. Make yourself write it until you know it and truly believe in your heart that you have killed any real belief in the fantasy that you guys could be happily ever after and that she would change for you.

 

I know it doesn't feel that way, but going NC is the strongest choice for you.

 

Because I know that you would tell me, if the situations were reversed, that I should darn well take the time away from our fictional "him" to get my brains clear of all the love hormones (for us women, oxytocin, and for men, primarily, vasopressin) so that I could see him for what it really was and the relationship for what it truly was.

 

I hope you will take the time away with NC to get clear of those "love hormones" so that you can see it for what it was and find what you really need, want, desire, and deserve.

 

What kinds of self-care and self-soothing things are you doing for yourself right now?

[Bumping in my trunk]

Do you hear now, the immense level of selfishness that she has?

 

I did consider her selfish but for more reasons than this. She, this second time said I made her feel guilty. When she didn't wanna get back with me anymore I asked why she let him break our relationship, why didn't she delete him when I told her so. Why did she let him sabotage us when we were together. She said it made her feel so guilty and she hated it. I think she honestly wanted to have that guilt of her shoulders or at least be with someone who is ok with the bad things she does. I stopped mentioning what she did at that new years party long before we broke up but I mentioned it a couple times again and she said again that shes guilty. She said I was so good to her and she made me suffer and sometimes she asked for punishment. I honestly think she might be a narcissist like you said or just really troubled.

 

I would get angry at her sometimes but never did I say that I was so mad I could punch her. One time they fought and she sent me his messages and I saw how he said "I could kill that motherfacker" LOLOLOLOLOL along with I'm so angry I could punch you. i often think what if he does this what if he cheats on her and hurts her? I dont wqnt it to happen even if im over her. i have a feeling she wont come back even if i gave her the best of me. in past threads ive described some her issues among the stuff she has to go through at home. Thats oneof the reasons i went NC. even if i still hope things can be differemt and want her to come back im doing more for my healing.

. Love and her are like a very bad drug. they blind you and make u wish for someone who doesnt deserve yoi

She did cheat, even if she didn't have full on penetrative sex, she cheated on you and your heart knows this.

My heart knows this but I sometimes justify it by saying we didn't officially agree that we were in a relationship. She even said it wasn't a big deal and I replied that it was.

 

 

Quite possibly not only was she physically beautifully, but probably incredibly charming and able to talk her way out of nearly anything.

She was good looking. She did have my preffered body type even if she did consider herself to have a few extra pounds. 170-165lb at 5'7'' is curvy with dangerous hips. And it depends on talking her way out. Some things were believable and some not so much. Maybe she used pity on me very well cuz at the time she had a fight with her friend and they didn't wanna be together.

 

 

So for you, with some time and objectivity, does knowing that you were competing with someone else while in a relationship now seem like a big red flag?

It's always been a red flag and I hated it. When she chose me in December she said she would get rid of him and be with me. When I saw they were still in contact through FB or her phone I confronted her about it. We always fought about him. WHEN will he go. When is she gonna stop talking to him. She always said when the time is right. When she feel she can be with me. When we meet she will stop all contact. One day we fought so bad that I decided to take a stand. Either he's gone or you lose me. My mistake was caving in cuz I noticed she was talking to him. She begged me for days and days until she stopped and then I noticed I would lose her to him. Now that she met him for freaking 3 days she still has me on fb. So her word on that promise has me thinking that even if she would have come her next year and stayed with me for 5 months. They would still be in contact and never let go. I like to think that maybe 5 months vs 3 days would make her change her mind.

 

 

 

Because she wanted to keep him around as an option. I'm not sure if she's a social climber, or just a selfish narcissist or both. Do you think it is possible that she did that, deleted him from those, to manipulatively keep you around a little longer?

 

I don't know about social climber. She always talked about having a loving and long term relationship and wanting to share many memories and bla bla bla. She always said she wanted to help my family and give us some of her money when she came here (she was interested in a work study program). Selfish narcissist sounds more like it. And my guess is that she wanted the easier relationship because she would always get frustrated and anxious and say that she can't see our future together. I told her to focus on meeting first. But she replied with something along the lines of, "and after that what? We will just keep seeing each other over summer or winter break and how will we be together?" She had a point but I always had hope. If two people really want it then they will find a solution to finally close the distance and be together.

 

 

 

 

 

Every time you start remembering a good memory, for now, to help you keep the relationship in perspective, would you be willing to try redirecting to remember at least one bad memory?

that's what I do every time

 

What is it that you doubt? Your decision? If so, try writing down not what you hope would happen or would want to happen, but what you truthfully know inside your gut would have happened if you'd stayed with her. Write out the fights, the tension, never being able to trust her, her retaking up with the one guy at some point (I'm sure she has), and spending time with your competition. All of it. Make yourself write it until you know it and truly believe in your heart that you have killed any real belief in the fantasy that you guys could be happily ever after and that she would change for you.

 

I know it doesn't feel that way, but going NC is the strongest choice for you.

 

 

What kinds of self-care and self-soothing things are you doing for yourself right now?

 

Been working out, trying to reconnect with friends or keeping in touch with old ones. Where I live I'm kind of lonely so it gets hard sometimes when I'm alone. Writing about this on the forum does help a lot.

Edited June 18, 2014 by Bumping in my trunk

[AnyaNova]

I am suspecting that perhaps, instead, she may be someone who is an accomplished self-saboteur. That she feels so badly about herself that she has to destroy everything good in it.

 

But please don't let yourself allow that, if that explanation feels right to you, to sway you to try and hold on longer. She had choices too. She could have chosen to work on this, get therapy etc. she didn't. Instead she chose to destroy.

 

I highly resonate with the desire to spare them pain, with the desire to protect them from themselves. that last night, even though he was insisting that we never see each other again, I spent so much time holding him while he cried and shook and I would have ripped out my own heart to spare him the pain that he was choosing to bring on himself. If you read my opening post on my thread, I think you will understand why I resonate so much with this. If you're interested, the link is at the bottom. If you're not, that is perfectly ok too.

 

I have some questions and I think fundamentally they are going to be more helpful than my thoughts, so here they are.

 

1) What kind of things could you do to relieve the need to save or protect her, and to reduce the feeling that you are somehow responsible for her (without of course, contacting her or anyone she knows in any way, shape, or form, and without trying to do so)?

 

2) What can you do, to increase your self-confidence, so that in your next relationship (after you have healed) you don't allow yourself to be an option, that you're with someone who wants you and only you because of your awesome fantasticness and also because of all those ways that you're not but she still loves?

 

3) What kinds of hobbies are you interested in taking up or restarting so as to fill your newfound time, provide a respite from thinking about the ex, and improve and nurture yourself?

 

4) (and only you know the answer to this, if there is and when it is). Most of us who come here, start noticing that after a certain amount of time being on here discussing our exes, that there is a healthy need and amount of time to be on here, but that after a certain amount of time that is different for each of us, it becomes unhealthy and we need to go for an hour or two or five and go do something different, because being on here and discussing the ex, sometimes can start to feel like a way of holding on to that last tie. We need to come on here, vent, ask questions, cry, and heal some time every day, but we need to be careful sometimes being sure that we aren't spending too much time as a way to continue holding on to the ex (I know I did this early on a lot!).

 

So the actually question I guess would be if you notice that there seems to be after a certain amount of time (`1 hour, 2, 5, it is different for each of us) when you start to recognize that you really need to just go watch some comedy or play golf or something to distract yourself for awhile?

 

(And it is perfectly ok. Sometimes you won't be able to make yourself because of the pull of the ex. But many times, more times probably you will, and that is a success you should celebrate!)

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/428642-what-happened-i-don-t-understand

 

I did consider her selfish but for more reasons than this. She, this second time said I made her feel guilty. When she didn't wanna get back with me anymore I asked why she let him break our relationship, why didn't she delete him when I told her so. Why did she let him sabotage us when we were together. She said it made her feel so guilty and she hated it. I think she honestly wanted to have that guilt of her shoulders or at least be with someone who is ok with the bad things she does. I stopped mentioning what she did at that new years party long before we broke up but I mentioned it a couple times again and she said again that shes guilty. She said I was so good to her and she made me suffer and sometimes she asked for punishment. I honestly think she might be a narcissist like you said or just really troubled.

 

I would get angry at her sometimes but never did I say that I was so mad I could punch her. One time they fought and she sent me his messages and I saw how he said "I could kill that motherfacker" LOLOLOLOLOL along with I'm so angry I could punch you. i often think what if he does this what if he cheats on her and hurts her? I dont wqnt it to happen even if im over her. i have a feeling she wont come back even if i gave her the best of me. in past threads ive described some her issues among the stuff she has to go through at home. Thats oneof the reasons i went NC. even if i still hope things can be differemt and want her to come back im doing more for my healing.

. Love and her are like a very bad drug. they blind you and make u wish for someone who doesnt deserve yoi

 

My heart knows this but I sometimes justify it by saying we didn't officially agree that we were in a relationship. She even said it wasn't a big deal and I replied that it was.

 

 

 

She was good looking. She did have my preffered body type even if she did consider herself to have a few extra pounds. 170-165lb at 5'7'' is curvy with dangerous hips. And it depends on talking her way out. Some things were believable and some not so much. Maybe she used pity on me very well cuz at the time she had a fight with her friend and they didn't wanna be together.

 

 

 

It's always been a red flag and I hated it. When she chose me in December she said she would get rid of him and be with me. When I saw they were still in contact through FB or her phone I confronted her about it. We always fought about him. WHEN will he go. When is she gonna stop talking to him. She always said when the time is right. When she feel she can be with me. When we meet she will stop all contact. One day we fought so bad that I decided to take a stand. Either he's gone or you lose me. My mistake was caving in cuz I noticed she was talking to him. She begged me for days and days until she stopped and then I noticed I would lose her to him. Now that she met him for freaking 3 days she still has me on fb. So her word on that promise has me thinking that even if she would have come her next year and stayed with me for 5 months. They would still be in contact and never let go. I like to think that maybe 5 months vs 3 days would make her change her mind.

 

 

 

 

 

I don't know about social climber. She always talked about having a loving and long term relationship and wanting to share many memories and bla bla bla. She always said she wanted to help my family and give us some of her money when she came here (she was interested in a work study program). Selfish narcissist sounds more like it. And my guess is that she wanted the easier relationship because she would always get frustrated and anxious and say that she can't see our future together. I told her to focus on meeting first. But she replied with something along the lines of, "and after that what? We will just keep seeing each other over summer or winter break and how will we be together?" She had a point but I always had hope. If two people really want it then they will find a solution to finally close the distance and be together.

 

 

 

 

 

 

that's what I do every time

 

What is it that you doubt? Your decision? If so, try writing down not what you hope would happen or would want to happen, but what you truthfully know inside your gut would have happened if you'd stayed with her. Write out the fights, the tension, never being able to trust her, her retaking up with the one guy at some point (I'm sure she has), and spending time with your competition. All of it. Make yourself write it until you know it and truly believe in your heart that you have killed any real belief in the fantasy that you guys could be happily ever after and that she would change for you.

 

I know it doesn't feel that way, but going NC is the strongest choice for you.

 

 

What kinds of self-care and self-soothing things are you doing for yourself right now?

 

Been working out, trying to reconnect with friends or keeping in touch with old ones. Where I live I'm kind of lonely so it gets hard sometimes when I'm alone. Writing about this on the forum does help a lot.

[Bumping in my trunk]

I am suspecting that perhaps, instead, she may be someone who is an accomplished self-saboteur. That she feels so badly about herself that she has to destroy everything good in it.

 

I don't really think its like that. I do see the similarities between your ex and mine but I think it is different. Sometimes I told her I deserved commitment and her loyalty and we would talk all night about that and she would say I make her feel bad and guilty and she tried to blame it on me. I got mad one day and told her to stop blaming it on me. It's her actions that make her feel guilty. She couldn't really reply to that. Anyway, she would say that she's bad and that she can't give me that and that I should find another girl who can. Sometimes she did feel bad and say she didn't deserve me but that was before we broke up. Like I said, she probably wanted the relief of not having to fix everything she did to me. And you are completely right when you said she was selfish. I remember her telling me that he was better cuz he didn't talk about me. He would be okay with him even if she was cold with him. She didn't make her feel guilty. And she said I should be like that, pretty much not wanting to me to express how I felt. And when I tried to do that and not show her, I would feel like I died on the inside. So ****ing unfair. And what pisses me off so much is how one day after she came back from there she puts a pic of them up on whatsapp with a heart as a status. It's not like she's even trying to mourn the fact that she kicked me to the curb. She told me she feels love for him. I asked her if she loved me and she couldn't tell me straight. Just that she loves him. I tried sometimes to wake up on my side of the morning (3 or 4pm) to talk to her when she wakes up. I did it one day in particular when she had an appointment for her psoriasis. We talked then I had to fall asleep cuz I was soooo tired. We later Skyped and saw how she had to put a bag on her head as a treatment and she was ashamed or I guess feeling bad about it. Then she said, "why does [my name] have to see this?" I asked her what she meant and she responded with why do I put up with her. I'm sure you can guess what I said after that. Anyway, her behavior is similar to what you describe but she was never like that. Maybe all of this changed her and made her like that, I really don't know. She could be a self-sabotager but I don't really think so.

 

 

 

I highly resonate with the desire to spare them pain, with the desire to protect them from themselves. that last night, even though he was insisting that we never see each other again, I spent so much time holding him while he cried and shook and I would have ripped out my own heart to spare him the pain that he was choosing to bring on himself. If you read my opening post on my thread, I think you will understand why I resonate so much with this. If you're interested, the link is at the bottom. If you're not, that is perfectly ok too.

I don't really think it was like that. She was sick of that situation and she told me she wanted to put an end to it once and for all so she went there on a last notice. She told me she cried on the plane because of what she was doing to me. I don't believe it. If she truly loved me she would have been loyal from the beginning. Now she just took the easy way out since they are a lot closer distance wise (around 1200km vs my 6000mi). I also hate that he had to use the time zone as an advantage. I.woke.up.early. Where is my recognition for my sacrifices???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

 

I have some questions and I think fundamentally they are going to be more helpful than my thoughts, so here they are.

 

1) What kind of things could you do to relieve the need to save or protect her, and to reduce the feeling that you are somehow responsible for her (without of course, contacting her or anyone she knows in any way, shape, or form, and without trying to do so)?

None. I never worried he would actually punch her. They are too far away for that and even if they spend more time I don't think they'll do that since they would be all lovey dovey. I never took him seriously because they first time she told me she was sick of him cuz he was a womanizer and didn't take her seriously and he didn't wanna travel to her country to see each other while she saw that I would jump of a cliff to travel to hers. I don't know if he changed or if is just did it to win and steal her away. Idk and I wouldn't like to know. If she gets pumped and dumped I hope she doesn't come back to me.

 

2) What can you do, to increase your self-confidence, so that in your next relationship (after you have healed) you don't allow yourself to be an option, that you're with someone who wants you and only you because of your awesome fantasticness and also because of all those ways that you're not but she still loves?

This is honestly the first time it happened to me. I had an ex that moved from relationship to relationship without breaking up with the guy. I guess she just lost interest and jumped ship. Anyway, she I was caught in her hook without even knowing she had a bf. I only found out like a week before they broke up. Later on in the relationship, she did the same thing to me. It's similar but this current girl didn't really have that habit. She just happened to go look for someone cuz I was being cold instead of talking with me about it. Which reminds me. I asked her why she didn't try to fix it instead of looking for someone else. She couldn't say a word.

 

My self esteem did hit rock bottom. I felt and still feel worthless. I told her I wouldn't do this **** a second time and I ended up doing it. I didn't leave her when I should have and I should have been strong enough to just walk away from this. Idk why I did it. I guess I was just so hell bent on needing HER and HER only love, commitment, loyalty. There are billions of women out there. Some more good looking than her and even with better qualities. Idk why I'm stuck on her. After everything I did for her, I really don't know why or what did I do to deserve this.

 

3) What kinds of hobbies are you interested in taking up or restarting so as to fill your newfound time, provide a respite from thinking about the ex, and improve and nurture yourself?

I gotta focus on my family cuz we are going through some tough things. I used to play guitar and make music but school, work, and her kinda just took over. I should get back to doing those things. I also used to play soccer every weekend but I just lost interest.

 

4) (and only you know the answer to this, if there is and when it is). Most of us who come here, start noticing that after a certain amount of time being on here discussing our exes, that there is a healthy need and amount of time to be on here, but that after a certain amount of time that is different for each of us, it becomes unhealthy and we need to go for an hour or two or five and go do something different, because being on here and discussing the ex, sometimes can start to feel like a way of holding on to that last tie. We need to come on here, vent, ask questions, cry, and heal some time every day, but we need to be careful sometimes being sure that we aren't spending too much time as a way to continue holding on to the ex (I know I did this early on a lot!).

 

So the actually question I guess would be if you notice that there seems to be after a certain amount of time (`1 hour, 2, 5, it is different for each of us) when you start to recognize that you really need to just go watch some comedy or play golf or something to distract yourself for awhile?

 

(And it is perfectly ok. Sometimes you won't be able to make yourself because of the pull of the ex. But many times, more times probably you will, and that is a success you should celebrate!)

I agree. After a while of being on here and reading other people's stories this place just depresses you. Even the reconciliation stories depress me. After I;ve had enough, which could range from 30mins to 2 hours, I just get off and do something fun to take my mind of things.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/428642-what-happened-i-don-t-understand

 

She said that I shouldn't have told her to delete him. It made her feel bad and that it pushed her away. I actually believed that for a while. Sometimes I still do after my family said I was right because I was protecting what was mine and that I deserve to be with someone loyal. Do you think I was right in pressuring her to get rid of him or was she right?

[Bumping in my trunk]

Oh look, someone did the right thing and asked for advice. Why couldn't I do that?

 

My girlfriend cheated on me while drunk, rang me straight away crying on the phone and told me. I love her and really want to stay with her but what would you guys do in this situation? : AskMen

 

 

In other news, I've been getting better. Thinking of those two times she completely broke my trust really helped me put things in perspective and help me realize everything she said after that new years party doesn't mean ****. Sure I still miss her and miss what we planned, but I will move on, hopefully, to a place where I don't care anymore. And since she met him I'm finally glad I can feel the same way about her meeting with him as I did when she cheated.