Am I supposed to draw conclusions to cope?

[lostmatthew]

I was in a three year relationship and had a child with my girlfriend and we lived together, we had our share of ups and she kind of ruined the trust. About 5 months ago she kicked me out and I got my own place. I did NC for a week and she wrote me and said she missed me, we kind of hung out together here and there and I'd walk away when she'd want to argue childishly...we last had sex 2 months ago and she said "dont expect this all the time". etc. Anyway, she has been hanging around a few new men who she claims are friends but they stay the night and stuff - i know because unfortunately i live on the same street as her. I feel shes playing games...I ask her to hang out and she says shes too busy...even more lately I text her thoughtful things and she doesnt answer but answers if its how is your day etc...i asked her to go on a date this friday last weekend and she changed the subject to "im catching fireflies"...stuff like that. She didnt invite me to my daughters birthday party but invited her new male friends. So, she avoids and changes the subject. I text I miss her and she says nothing. Last night I texted "i feel like ive lost you". And she replied this morning "i feel lost". I said "Truthfully, from my heart, ive never ever felt more lost confused or helpless in my entire life. this is too important to me to discuss in a text message and too important to not take seriously and talk about. I think we should talk face to face tonight without any distractions and be adults allowing one another to speak and be hear. Are you interested in doing that when the kids go to bed?"

 

she replied "ya. sorry dont have time to talk this am tho"

 

So...two things can happen she will blow me off or invite me over and be texting on her phone...listen to what I have to say and interupt me or say im to blame for everything and I dont know what I want. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY IF I GO OVER THERE TONIGHT! I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. I want an answer...I want her to tell me its over for good so I can deal with this emotionally but instead if i ask if its over she will probably say what she said before "Is that what you want? Fine then" or "it takes time, you have to show me" etc. Ive done many things to prove to her i want her and would do anything to work on it but its not coming from her that shes in it to win it. She only texts me when I can help her or to randomly ask my advice on a tatoo idea or questions about something she doesnt know about things...when it comes to us she avoids it or changes the subject. So, WTF does her saying "I feel lost" mean? What should I address this evening without sounding negative or assuming...anything? I feel like shes usnig me as a safety net I dunno.

[stillfiguringitallou]

The thing is - I don't see where you are the one that violated a trust?

 

Maybe you need to decide if it's over or not? Not let her decide. And not in a "if you don't start doing xyz it's over" fashion either.

 

Just it's simply over.

 

Unfortunately we are a messed up self centered and absorbed generation. There is a reason the divorce rate is almost 50% higher in our generation than the one before.

 

Sometimes you have to accept you can't change other people - or make them WANT to change. You can only take care of yourself. It seems to me you have done what you can to try and make this relationship work. Maybe now it's just time to accept it isn't going to.

[Jiivy]

She might well be feeling lost. I truly believe that in these cases it's our actions that can be the only reliable indicator of intention. If that's so - look at her behaviour. She's clearly not interested in you and looks like she's only interested in her own wants right now.

 

You have a duty as a father. Frankly, beyond that you need to keep your distance. You don't deserve treatment like this and I say it with only on caveat.

 

Why did she kick you out?

[lostmatthew]

And just to add this that...

 

She always leads me to believe she wants to meet up or do something but makes it seem that I cant or its too late...for example: Last weekend she said shed hang out with me but had to babysit. Well, who cares if she had to babysit I couldve helped her. Later her babysitting plans were cancelled and I saw her new man friend in her backyard with his kids. She said "I had already invited Mike over with his kids cause I thought I was babysitting other kids" then she went out with him his kids and my daughter and she said "I cried to mike about you" and I said "what was his advice" she replied "he said listen to my heart and take your time and if its meant to be it will happen" WTF is she consoling him for when it should be me? Then that night I was lonely so invited my friend Crystal and her new boyfriend over and my ex saw them in my window and called yelling "whose the woman in your house!" i said "crystal and her new man" and even texted her a picture of them together on my couch. She didnt reply so i went and knocked on her door and she didnt answer...i figure because he was staying the night. she texted me saying "im up the road at my friend dianes i just went to my house to grab a movie and looked in your window. my mistake."

 

i said "can we talk" she said "if you want to walk to dianes" i said "sure" but i could hear her in her apartment. She WAS home. she then texted "maybe it would be rude for me to invite you to my friends talk tomorrow".

The next day i went to talk to her and she still wouldnt open the door. At 2 pm she texted me to come down but all she did was publically embarass me in from of the neighbours by screaming at me calling me crazy for knocking on her door late last night. SIGH

 

Also, she wasnt home a few days ago and while i was out for a drive uptown she texted me "Are you home or going uptown tonight?" I said "huh?" and did not reply for two hours saying "Oh was gonna invite you out but you didnt answer" WTF

 

She also writes me and ask if i want to take my daughter while she can get her hair done or whatever she is doing at the time and I say "sure" but she then goes on like "Well if you have plans you dont have to "...WTF im thinking she asked me i said yes and now what she wants me to beg her to help her out...

 

=(

[lostmatthew]

She kicked me out because I caught her on a dating site talking dirty to someone. She said she was only looking for conversation. After kicking me out though she wrote me a card of apology but still continued to talk to the guy.

[mammasita]

Why do you have to draw conclusions when you SEE the truth with your own eyes?

 

-you weren't invited to your daughters birthday OTHER men were!!!

-OTHER men stay the night at her house.....I'm damn sure they aren't staying up and chatting all night

 

You feel she's playing games? Um, yes she is playing games.

 

Do your best to take care of your child but leave this chick ALONE.

[mammasita]

She kicked me out because I caught her on a dating site talking dirty to someone. She said she was only looking for conversation. After kicking me out though she wrote me a card of apology but still continued to talk to the guy.

 

 

WTF?!!! She kicked YOU out? Why the hell didn't you leave her?

[lostmatthew]

But why does she keep giving me a shread of hope with "i feel lost" and texting me as if im some kind of friend...or leading me to believe she wants to hang out but we dont etc

[mammasita]

But why does she keep giving me a shread of hope with "i feel lost" and texting me as if im some kind of friend...or leading me to believe she wants to hang out but we dont etc

Because YOU allow it. STOP it.

 

You can only control you. Stop feeding into her silly ego game. You know she has other men, you know she's playing games, you see the men spending the night at her house.

 

MAN UP.

[lostmatthew]

Either way I am probably seeing her face to face tonight, any advice on what I should say to get it right? PLEASE Should I ask her if its really finally over should i ask her if shes seeing someone else. Anything to help me out.

[mammasita]

Either way I am probably seeing her face to face tonight, any advice on what I should say to get it right? PLEASE Should I ask her if its really finally over should i ask her if shes seeing someone else. Anything to help me out.

 

You already know its over. MAN UP AND BE DONE WITH HER.

[AnyaNova]

Either way I am probably seeing her face to face tonight, any advice on what I should say to get it right? PLEASE Should I ask her if its really finally over should i ask her if shes seeing someone else. Anything to help me out.

 

In your heart of hearts I think you know it has been over for a long time.

 

The question to ask yourself now is, will you fundamentally will you feel stronger and more empowered if you go, do the whole "tail tucked in, slumped shoulders please take me back (and you know you want her back enough that even if you don't say a word about it, you will communicate this)" routine or if you take the strong route, tell her you decided that you didn't want to see her tonight, and went NC.

 

Which will fundamentally leave you feeling stronger, as if you had more choices, and feeling empowered?

[lil hoodlum]

lostmathew,

 

Your girlfriend/exgirlfriend does not respect you. She lies to you and is playing with your emotions.

 

You deserve better than this. She honestly may not have the courage to tell you that it is over and may continue to keep you on a string. You need to be the one to cut those strings and end things. Again, you deserve someone who will be honest with you, treat you with respect, and not play these games with you.

 

Good luck and please look after you and your daughters interests first.

[Zahara]

But why does she keep giving me a shread of hope with "i feel lost" and texting me as if im some kind of friend...or leading me to believe she wants to hang out but we dont etc

 

Because you are a crutch, a fallback incase there is nothing out there, she still has you to get some sort of attention/security.

 

Matt, it's highly unattractive to a woman when you act like a doormat. I don't want to be harsh with you but this woman has treated you like absolute rubbish and you're jumping on broken glass trying to appease her and get her back. And she will keep treating you like rubbish because you accept it and she knows you're desperate for her.

 

Please, hold onto your self-respect and let her go.

[lostmatthew]

So I went there last night and basically told her that I am ready to move on and get on with my life cause im tired of waiting to work on things that seem like they are never going to work out. She asked me how things would be different and said yes she was avoiding talking about us and spending more time with friends and family. I said we wouldnt know how things would go unless we have taken a chance and i told her that what she has been doing to me is moving on in her own way. I went home. She texted later "well goodnight". i ignored it. then she texted me again in the middle of the night "i guess youre ignoring me and i guess i deserve it" with a sad face...again i ignored it. then this morning she wrote "i hope you get the happiness you deserve n seek. wished things were diffeent but ur searching for answers n u couldnt tell me howd wed be different. i hate to let you go but when im ready i will. but i hope you find what u want and deserve. i love you always". ( first time she said she loved me in 4 months). again i ignored that. then she texted me again in a n hour later and said "wished u didnt ignore me. if thats what you need to move on ok but since u want to start dating i was hoping we can atleast talk and get along n sometimes get our kids together ( we both have kids from a previous relationship and one together). then she started sending me sad songs but i didnt listen to them entirely cause i feel shes once again making me believe there was hope when she could have easily said we could work on things last night after doing this over and over for months waiting on my part.

 

continuing to ignore she wrote me again "ill leave u be. this just hurts".

 

i felt i had to answer about the getting our kids together part and to finally clarify where i stand.

 

i said in a text: "listen, you can break my bones and they will eventually heal. but you broke my heart when you left me and then avoided me and constanly changed the subject when i wanted to talk about us. i tried to make an effort and my effort was an action showing i was DOING THINS DIFFERENTLY in the best way possible. telling you things will be different doesnt work...doing things different is what counts. your life as u said is quite busy consumed with spending time with friends and family and keeping busy...thats your way of moving on while avoiding me and us.you didnt want another chance with me. i am accepting that. having my kids in your life is a package deal that comes with me...if you dont want me then youre not privelaged to have me and my children come and hang out with yours...no need to open an old wound every time i have to see you and i cant be friends with someone i love and cant be with. that is not fair to me. but i will be nice and civil when it comes to our daughter. i am starting the process to start getting over you."

 

then she says "thats bull i never moved on thanks cant hhelp how i feel im scared and fine ill accept u need to move on since you wanna hate me." ( she always says i hate her i dunno why)

 

I said "I dont hate you"

 

she said "i was up all night it was hard cause you want answers and im scared to get hurt have a great day".

 

finally i sent her a song "SAY SOMETHING IM GIVING UP ON YOU"

 

then she said "i dont mean to push you away, we could always hang out. but i gotta work and dry my eyes. have a good day."

 

i said what she usually says "ya"

 

CONFUSING. But anyway I am just gonna do NC now except for when it comes to my daughter. Now I will be strong like her and avoid "us". As much as it hurts. Take into consideration she hasnt talked about her feelings in a long time but she only does it when she knows im pulling away from her games. Does she really love me somewhere deep down? maybe...i dont know but i should know and i deserve to know. but i am seeing shes just playing silly games and I need to move on.

 

Ill keep you posted.

[redbaron005]

What! When she's ready she will let you go. That's completely selfish, if I were you I'd go complete NC on this girl. She has made it clear that she will leave you in the near future regardless, so it's time to do what healthiest for you. No social media, turn off your computer, toss your phone in the garbage. Do what you have to to start healing ASAP.

[lostmatthew]

I know right? She totally makes me feel like its me...when I understand she wants me to A.Hold on to her to forever like a pathetic worm. B. say its over to make her feel better for moving on as she already has long ago.