JourneyLady Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Okay so I've met someone wonderful, we've gone exclusive and have a great relationship. Little glitch I am not sure how to navigate... We live in separate abodes and that is the way it has to be, except during travel. I find when I spend too long at his place, I get bored as he's doing his usual stuff (watching the news, etc.) I don't really mind, but I don't have access to all the "stuff" I have a home that I use for creative work, plus I am not tending to my own home (which needs some small amounts of work/gardening). In my last relationship, I went back and forth a lot and found it tedious to figure out what was where. In addition, I get distracted and forget things at home or at his place. (He has spent some nights at my house, but not that many.) I'm curious how other dating couples work this out. I don't expect that he should spend every moment with me while I'm at his place, but I do find difficulty in "transitioning" back and forth. I went home today but feel sort of sad about it, even though we are still loving and close. He's been out running errands and then getting stuff done at his place. I have done a few things, but instead of feeling eager to work on creative things, I feel a little lost and useless. Probably I will be back to normal tomorrow but I really worry I will lose my identity and/or work ethic by spending so much time away from my own place. How do other couples living separately handle it? 1
Assasda Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Sometimes you need your alone comforts, even if you cohabitate. So, he may just want to be alone too sometime. So swtich it up
Author JourneyLady Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 That's true and how I would like to do things. However, it's the going back and forth that throws me off. Of course I like to look my best always, so keeping a supply of things at his place is necessary: like clean undies, comb and brush, toothbrush and etc. And that's where it gets tricky because I always carry a bunch of things like charger for my phone and mobile devices, laptop stuff and accessories etc. As well, another glitch is that he is not fond of *my* bed and I can't replace it very soon - perhaps sometime in the next year. It's too soft (and not the first complaint I've had about that either). So there's that: it'd be almost impossible to have him stay here more than one night. Seems like all I can do is come to the house during the day and only go back to his place at night on the days I want to go work... Unless I transfer my "work" computer (for creative stuff) to his place. I'm not sure that's appropriate in our relationship so soon. (2 months).
GemmaUK Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Hmm..well..personally I would be having my me time at my place..alone. If he is just doing his normal stuff he can do that on his own. Go get some 'you' time back. You will always be with 'you' but you may not always be with him (who knows?). I wouldn't sit bored while he is doing his own thing. I'd go off and do mine. 2
d0nnivain Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I never "hung out" at an SO's space while we each did our own thing. If I needed me time, I went home. Once you live together you can "ignore" each other in the same house. 2
clia Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 The going back and forth can definitely be a pain, especially when you are the woman and having to lug your stuff back and forth. Definitely have a supply of toiletries, clean undies, pajamas, and a change of clothes at his place. I'm having trouble relating to the rest of your problem. There is no reason why you should be pretending to live together before you are living together. By that, I mean if you aren't doing something together, go home, have your "you" time, and do what you need to get done. I don't really see why you need to be doing your work at his place or dragging your laptop and accessories over to his place. In my relationship, before we moved in together, we didn't do things separately if we were at each other's places. If we were together, we were doing something together. If I had errands to run or things to do, he went home and did his own thing. If you have work or gardening to do or errands to run, just go home and do it. If he's doing his thing, you should take that time to go do yours. (Are you even sure he wants you sitting there bored when he's watching the news or doing his thing?) It's normal to have errands to run and things to get done at your house. It shouldn't make you sad to go and do those things. 2
Author JourneyLady Posted June 20, 2014 Author Posted June 20, 2014 (edited) Thanks for all the input. It seems to be mostly that we both want to spend the night together a lot and that means I will be running home a lot (like today when I needed to come back to my place and tend to some things). It makes me sad only when I'm not spending the night with him: I like reading aloud and he likes hearing it, so I read to him while we both get sleepy... Pillow talk is the biggest thing I missed while I was alone for a year or so. I think part of the problem was leftover anxiety from the last ex of five years -- who didn't want me gone home whenever he decided on the spur of the moment to do something and wasn't a good communicator. This is different and I suppose I am still getting used to actual communication instead of guessing at what will take place on any certain day! I guess that's "baggage" from an earlier relationship??? Ex-hubs was similar in that he "didn't know" from day to day (outside of work) what he wanted to do, so I couldn't plan ahead much. So by now, yeah, I'm starting to see that current bf usually has some idea what he wants to do that day and if it doesn't involve me, I can skeedadle back to my house if I want or need to, without him getting irritated. Especially if I have some creative ideas going that I want to work on. As well he's very easy-going, also something I am not used to, but very happy to not have to do so much accommodating! :-) PS. His bed is soooo much more comfortable for him than mine which is one reason he doesn't spend many overnights here. I plan on replacing it when we are more solid for a longer period of time... like six months to a year. Edited June 20, 2014 by JourneyLady spelling
WrinkledForehead Posted June 20, 2014 Posted June 20, 2014 I echo the comments saying that when we are at each other's places, we are hanging out together. My kids go with their dad a few nights a week so on those nights we spend the nights at his place. Obviously, if my kids are with me we are at my place. That said, we both enjoy our alone time and spend enough time at home each day to tend to the domestic tasks that needs doing in our own domiciles. I don't really experience the things you describe in your post. I don't lack for time to take care of myself and my home and my kids and my things. As one last thing, I have a drawer at his place where I keep extra toiletries and clothes. Whatever articles of clothing I discard at the end of the day he washes for me, so there's always something clean for me to wear the next time. On the occasion that I am heading straight to work from his place, I keep a bag in my car that I tote back and forth between the two places.
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