iPhone Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 So I found a girl I hit it off with like no tomorrow. We talked for hours on the phone every night, and neither could believe how well we clicked. Then we hang out. It was perfect. We went hiking, went to a haunted place, went to the movies, then cuddled under the stars. We made plans for the day after next. In between those two dates, we talked on the phone again for hours about how awesome it was, and everything else. I told her I am not into one night stands (which is true) and I'm not trying to jump into sexual stuff. Which I meant. Then we hang out again last night. We start making out and she pulls my shirt off. I stop us and put it back on and say we should wait. Then after the movies, we make out again. Both our pants end up off. Then she hesitates and said maybe we should wait. So I backed off, and we just went back to making out. It progressed to sex again practically, but we stopped again when I asked her if she wanted to stop, and would respect her decision. Well, she said we probably maybe should wait. So I pulled the cover over her, and we just made out. Well, you guessed it, it progressed to sex. It was in the heat of the moment at that point. No condom, and didn't pull out. Yes, yes, I know. Neither of us have STD's though, and she's on birth control, but that's not the point. She seemed to instantly be more distant after. I sensed what was up, I knew it was a stupid mistake. Low and behold, today, she was distant. Finally she text me and said we both are responsible for it happening, but she's sore and she bled some, and it just seemed irresponsible, and things are different now. I told her I understood (which I did). I told her I'm gonna toss her an email and to read it. The email basically says I am sorry, didn't intend for that to go down by any means, and want to move on and build something healthy and lasting. But I'm not quite sure how to salvage this, and she hasn't responded since. Any ideas? Or is this a lost cause? Which would suck because we both said 1000 times how we never connected with anyone like this before.
RachR Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Why are you the one who screwed up big time? She just as much tried to have sex with you as you ended up with her... and you weren't even the one trying to make it go that way at first.
Author iPhone Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Well, because I told her it wasn't gonna go down like that, and it did. Just makes me look like the typical guy who manipulates girls by saying they aren't looking to jump into sex. My actions contradicted my words. I should have had far better restraint, but I didn't. I accept responsibility for that. Can it be salvaged? If so, how do I proceed? Wait for her to reply to the email? Then what, in your opinions?
todreaminblue Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 you said she was sore and bled some, was she a virgin?
Author iPhone Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 you said she was sore and bled some, was she a virgin? Negative, negative. I never asked her her number of partners (i don't do this to anyone, it's a dumb ass question), but she mentioned once she had sex in public.
deathandtaxes Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 The email basically says I am sorry, didn't intend for that to go down by any means, and want to move on and build something healthy and lasting. But I'm not quite sure how to salvage this, and she hasn't responded since. Any ideas? Or is this a lost cause? Which would suck because we both said 1000 times how we never connected with anyone like this before. Own your sex, OP! Own it! What are you sorry for? You're two adults who had consensual sex! Did you rape her? Did you force her? Did she force you? No. You have good sexual chemistry and you followed that happy trail. Sometimes people get all weird and distant after sex. Too much shame. Who knows. But you shouldn't feel so bad about it. If she's not mature enough to handle the feelings after, then maybe she shouldn't be having sex, nor you either.
TXGuy Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 You apologizing for it is what is making things (more) awkward. Stop dwelling on it.
Survivor12 Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Negative, negative. I never asked her her number of partners (i don't do this to anyone, it's a dumb ass question), but she mentioned once she had sex in public. Hmmmm...it is POSSIBLE that she made up that story to cover up the fact that she really was a virgin to seem more "mature". How old is she? How much older are you? 1
BlueIris Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 (edited) How do you salvage this? Reassure her- that you still want her, that she is beautiful to you, that you want to see her tomorrow, even today, just to kiss her once. Ask her to talk to you, to say anything at all and you'll listen, no matter how she feels or what she says. Oh, this can be saved. You really like and enjoy each other AND you can't hold back from making love. That is a 10. I'd try like crazy to make this one work. Edited to add: you didn't screw up, or you did, or she did, or someone was scared, or is,... who cares? Step up if you want this. Hearts are fragile things. Edited June 17, 2014 by BlueIris 1
Author iPhone Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Thank you all, especially you blueiris. I did fight. I sent her a long email that was probably, in retrospect, pretty awkward. Here it is I take full responsibility for yesterday. It was the last thing on Earth I wanted to do, or was planning on doing. I should have known better, and should have did better in terms of waiting like I had strived and planned to. I make no excuses, really. It happened so fast, and I just felt such a strong connection with you and it clouded my better judgment. I truly apologize to you, and it is not indicative of who I am or by any means what I want from you. If I could take back what happened in haste, trust me, I would. I see you as truly a special and amazing girl that I've never connected with anyone so well with. It was a huge error in judgment on my behalf, and not one that would ever, ever be repeated like that. Sex isn't a goal of mine, truly, my only goal with you Jessica was to keep getting closer and building a bond and continuing to get to know each other and creating something meaningful and healthy. You to me are worth way, way more than anything physical, I just got lost in the moment. If you are willing to give me the chance, I will be happy to prove that that isn't what I'm looking for from you, and it isn't who I am. I feel like my actions have contradicted my words though and who I strive to be, and that sucks. I feel like I've violated the building of your trust, and that hurts. I feel selfish for the whole thing, and I don't know if you want to proceed, or if you need time to think, but all I can say is I would take it back if I could and do a way better job in that situation had it ever occured again. On the bright side, I just wanted to say that personally, I would love to keep getting to know each other better, exploring haunted places, and having fun -- showing you who I really am. I'm definitely willing to put in the time and effort to build your trust, and make it right, and living up to your expectations as well as my own. I understand if I screwed it up, though, and if I did, I take full responsibility and want you to know I think nothing but great things about you, and have a lot of respect for you in many ways ranging from your work ethic all the way down to your family values and ability to naturally read people. I admire those qualities in you. If you don't want to give me a shot at making it right, all I ask is that you please don't remember me for that stupid choice in the heat of the moment, but rather for everything else. The email wasn't perfect and I rambled on, I already know. But it is what it is. She said she understands, and just needs some time, to which I said for her to contact me when she's ready. She said thank you, and that was that. This girl and me talked all day about how excited we were to talk and see each other. I'm writing a book and she begged for the next chapters all the time. We talked about everything. ...So now I just ... have to wait???
organizedchaos Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 Oh my. Please, for the love of God, don't do anything else. 4
mammasita Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I can tell you from my experience personally, I always feel different after sex the first time. For this reason I choose to wait until I know the guy and I are exclusive....and even then my mind plays tricks on me and I feel very vulnerable emotionally. That said I bet she's feeling all sorts of emotions right now especially since you haven't known eachother very long. I'm not sure that the long drawn out email was necessary or even helpful, matter of fact - might even push me away - just my opinion. If it were me, I'd prefer your actions and words in the following days versus one blast of an email.
Author iPhone Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Lol yea I pretty much accepted the situation is a lost cause.
oldshirt Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Yeah, you are the one acting like the flakey, wishy-washy girl here and that is what is turning her off. By doing all this apologizing and taking responsibility and saying you won't do it again etc etc you are making it sound like you all did something wrong and bad and ...well.....dirty. I agree with some of the earlier posters - own your attraction. own your desire. Own your actions. You two had a mutual attraction and you were acting on them and at any point she could have put a stop to it. it may seem a little counter-intuitive but all your apologizing and whiney slurping is doing is making her feel dirty and slutty and like she did something wrong. ***** that. If she didn't want to have sex, all she would've had to have done was keep her clothes on. Now to be fair to you, she is being wishy washy and needs to own her desires and actions too. If she can't do that, then she isn't good girl friend material in the first place. I also want to add one more thing. Part of the reason she may be acting all weird is she may not really be on the pill. Have you actually seen a package of prescription pills in her possession? Have you actually seen her take them? Have you actually seen the half-empty container with the other prior day's pills missing out of the scheduled containers?? It's really easy for someone to say they are on the pill in the heat of the moment and they are wanting some schlong. This chick is acting all weird and wishy-washy and flakey. The flakier the chick is, the more solid and self-assured the guy needs to be if the relationship is to function and you have been just as flakey and wishy-washy and spineless as she has and that is a bad, bad, bad combination. I don't know if this relationship is salvageable or not at this point. If it is to survive, one of you is going to have to step up to the plate and own your $h!t and lay down some actual boundaries and guidelines and how it is going to be. 3
Author iPhone Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 She had nuvaring I guess. The sad part was, I thought in a way I WAS owning to it by taking responsibility. Because I didn't WANT to jump into sexual stuff. Done it with a ton of relationships. Wanted to do it differently. And she believed me. Then I did this. She said let's wait two times, and I still got her to do it. To me, that's manipulation. That's a hard pill to swallow in retrospect, and that's why I apologized. She took responsibility in her text where she said things were different now. She said she obviously has a place in it and stuff. I wish I could've taken it back, simply because I like her. Sex is easy. And in this case, this early on, it was a mistake, because I wanted to build an emotional bond... Alas, what can I do now? Just... wait?
BlueIris Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) You’re quitting? So very sad. I had hopes, so often dashed when I read here on LS. I adhere to the firefighter theory of men- women almost can’t help think they’re sexy because walk into fire (metaphorically). The sexiest and most attractive thing a man can do, IMHO, is to have courage to make things happen, to make it okay and safe for her. I quake after having sex with someone I feel strongly about, too. Like Mammasita said: actions. Frankly, this is what I’d hope to hear, face to face, or at least on the phone, in my ear, his voice so I can tell if he’s sincere, or at least probably sincere: I don’t regret it and I hope you don’t, or you won’t one day if you do now. It was great. But I’m hoping for more for us, too. I want to see if we can and do make it more, even if we moved too fast. If I send you another chapter, will you tell me what you think? I’ll call you tomorrow and I hope you pick up. Don’t go away yet. Edited June 18, 2014 by BlueIris 3
Author iPhone Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 BlueIris, I like your plan there. I do. I don't want to give up, and wasn't planning on it, but like people said, clearly i've done enough damage already. I don't want to turn into a stalker on top of it all, but I don't want to give up either. Should I give her a day or two then say that? I don't want to give up, it hurt me to see you actually point out that I was giving up. it made me wake up some.
BlueIris Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 Well, wait... do you think you took advantage of her? That you violated her? It sounded consensual. Wasn't it? I thought it was classic- can't keep my hands off you. Yes?
Author iPhone Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Here's how it went down. We were making out. She started pulling my shirt off as I was reaching under hers. I stopped us and said maybe we should wait, as hard as this is. And I said I hope that this shows my character lol Then we watched a movie. Afterwards, we started making out again. I began touching her, and she started unbuckling the pants and all.. She did pull my pants off, and began checking stuff out, and I did the same, but she seemed hesitant when I was touching her, and she said "maybe we should wait." I respected that and stopped touching her, and we went back to making out. The making out progressed and quickly we ended up in the same position. She seemed slightly hesitant again, and I asked her if she wanted to stop, and said I would respect it if she did. The said again maybe we should wait. She seemed unsure, and we went back to making out. Well, it turned into sex that time around. That's pretty much all there is to it.
Fondue Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 What happened, happened. No need to dwell on the details any more. Just stop being a pansy and apologizing for it. Stop over thinking it. Stop messaging her with stupid "ownership of fault" crap. It is definitely not helping. It is making the situation worse. The fact that you choose to dwell on it and make it seem like a huge deal is making it even a BIGGER deal for her. You're just multiplying her "second thoughts." Every. Single. Girl. on the planet feels different after having sex with a new man for the first time. Everyone of them. You're only making it worse by treating her "cold" behavior and feeding into it. What you SHOULD have done was, "I had a great time with you yesterday. I hope I can take you out again very soon and have another pleasant date." Regardless of how you perceive she is feeling right now, the best thing you could have done was simply telling her you had a great time. Not making it into a bigger deal. Damn, man. 3
Author iPhone Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 Lol yes, lesson learned. I just am curious if it can be salvaged now. We really really truly hit it off.
BlueIris Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 (edited) Lol yes, lesson learned. I just am curious if it can be salvaged now. We really really truly hit it off. Then it should be salvageable and I'm wondering why that's in question. It takes so little to reassure. Like an arm over the shoulder, a kiss on the hair, a look into the eyes and smile, a simple "I really like you" or "I'm glad I met you." You say something that simple and no more? Phew. That's good. Sex isn't "it." Sincere caring is. Girls get skittish, at least lots do- even us old ones. Maybe I'm being too indirect, or old fashioned. This is what I mean: Take care of her. Show her you can take that role, in simplicity. Show you're glad you're together. Let it simmer and be tender. Lead. Nervousness is okay, pretty normal, a good sign. Go slow and don't think you have to fill time with words. Holding a hand or a smile can be perfect at times. But lead and make it safe to follow- like a good dancer, you know? I don't mean to sex, I mean to feelings. Sorry, it's hard to describe. I'd say, tomorrow call and say, "Would you like to go out to dinner this weekend?" I have no idea if this is still the "code," but in my world, Saturday night to a nice dinner means you're the one, top shelf. Maybe some of the younger ladies can advise. I have 23 and 27 year old daughters, and to them, Saturday night in a dress and heels, at a nice restaurant, still means something special. We're romantics. lol. I don't know if that fits the style of you and your girl, but some version might, like a ball game and beers. Just something that fits, with a bit of "more." And simple in delivery, like Fondue said. Edited June 18, 2014 by BlueIris trying to be clearer
Andy_K Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 You did mess up. Not by having sex, but by pretty much everything you've said to her since Look. She wanted sex. You wanted sex. She hesitated... Not because she thought it was too soon, but because she didn't want to be judged. She wanted to know it was okay. What you have done, by 'taking responsibility for the mistake' is tell her it was NOT OKAY. You've created a huge amount of drama and stress for her, so she is understandably being distant. What you should have been doing is telling her how much you enjoyed being with her and making plans to see her again. If she brought up the 'sex too soon', you say there is no wrong time if you feel the right way, and you're glad it happened. So what you do now is drop the subject before you dig the chasm any deeper, and take her out. Date her normally as if everything is fine, and it will be. Being considerate doesn't mean neurotically trying to second guess her every feeling and adapt to it. It just means treating her well.
J21 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 The email was a bit too much. I couldn't even read all of it. You were practically groveling at her feet for having consensual sex. I think that email had the opposite affect you were trying to make. It came across as TOO apologetic made you look kinda weak. Anyways, I hope I'm wrong this stuff works out for you.
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