Boyfriend never pays for me even though he earns loads and I don't?

[Emilia]

I could not date him. People insulting you or your job aren't getting the point, which is, if you made double or triple that this guy makes, you would treat him more, but he is a stingy a$$.

 

I don't like people like that because they are usually stingy in other ways as well. I bet if I read your back posts he turns out to be not very giving in many other ways.

 

If he has a problem with your job he should not have dated you. Get rid of him.

I don't see how expecting an adult to be self-sufficient is an insult. What I would find offensive is if a 24 year-old guy treated me like his private cash machine because he fancied having a part-time pool job that paid next to nothing. All the women here would tell me to 'dump that loser'. Quite rightly so.

 

People need to be financially independent regardless of gender. The OP would do herself a massive favour if she stood on her own feet rather than depended on others around her. She would get more respect for starters.

 

In my experience a man will treat you according to how he thinks you deserve to be treated. That's true for a large % of the male population, like it or lump it, it's how it is.

[xxmusical]

I think what would hurt me the most was OP's bf accusing her of being a "gold digger" when she talked to him about her feelings. This and the other threads show me that the guy treats OP rudely.

 

Use the time and distance spent on the education course to think if you truly want to continue this relationship.

[kaylan]

Ill preface my responses by saying this guy just isnt into you. And not just because of this thread...but because of your history together in other threads. But you put up with it, so thats your fault OP.

I don't get why people are on you about working as a lifeguard.

Hello - she just got her masters? That that's a lot of work. At 24? She's been in school the whole time. Why are you making her feel bad about pursuing academic endeavours, and concentrating on that. That wasn't the question. It was that her bf makes a buttload of money and splits hairs with her on everything and doesn't take her out. So I think people should stop talking about what he possibly thinks about her and why he doesn't think she's worth his money, and talk more about how it really sucks to be with someone who is selfish.

Because she expects to take a break and have others support her...meanwhile her boyfriend went to school, then got a job, and supports himself.

 

Sorry, but I wouldnt be keen on spending money on someone whos never supported themselves either.

I could not date him. People insulting you or your job aren't getting the point, which is, if you made double or triple that this guy makes, you would treat him more, but he is a stingy a$$.

 

I don't like people like that because they are usually stingy in other ways as well. I bet if I read your back posts he turns out to be not very giving in many other ways.

 

If he has a problem with your job he should not have dated you. Get rid of him.

Women who complain about this always say they would treat the guy way more often if they earned double or triple what he makes...but how often do women date guys that make a third or half what she makes?

Edited June 18, 2014 by kaylan

[kaylan]

This is a difference in values.

 

It's not about who makes more money. I don't know why people are making it about that.

 

He obviously is very protective of his assets. He may be one of those people who believe everyone is out to TAKE from him, or he may be a secret feminism-hater, or he may have some kind of experience with a true gold-digger that makes him refuse to spend money on a woman.

 

But you want to feel special and loved. And you have this guy who will share things with you that benefit HIM - like sex and conversation and companionship, but won't share his money because it's giving rather than taking. He would rather NOT go out to dinner at all than spend $40 of his money so you can be with him. I find that a MAJOR turn-off.

 

Think about a future relationship with this guy. If you move in, he's going to have the calculator out to make sure everything is split equally. He's going to expect you to keep working - being a SAHM for a few years won't be an option, and if it is, he will be giving you an allowance and monitoring everything you spend. You'll have to fight for vacations and home improvements and any kind of "unnecessary" spending.

 

One of his values is obviously protecting his money, which will color everything about your life together.

 

Just think about whether that is what you want.

And a woman who just takes off work for a year while expecting parents and boyfriends to support her is also an equal turnoff.

 

I couldnt imagine the female response if a guy created a thread like this. Women left and right would be telling him his lack of a job and his leeching was a turn off.

[Lona.loba]

I think he doesn't pay for u because he might not want the relationship to go further than just dating, or he might be used to not paying for his gf from past experiences that tought him that

Anyways good luck with ur relationship

Help me in my thread

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/481850-shoul-i-sex

[Iguanna]

If I ever bring up this problem he accuses me of being a gold-digger which I'm not.

 

 

This right there is really disturbing. How would you stay with a guy who accuses you of being a gold digger? How would any woman stay with a guy who accuses her of being anything at all?

[pteromom]

And a woman who just takes off work for a year while expecting parents and boyfriends to support her is also an equal turnoff.

 

I couldnt imagine the female response if a guy created a thread like this. Women left and right would be telling him his lack of a job and his leeching was a turn off.

 

I didn't see anywhere in her post where she was asking him to SUPPORT her. She just wants him to take her out once in a while.

 

I don't see where she is leaching off him either.

 

Yes, if she was saying "He should pay my rent for me because he makes more", then sure.

 

But she's just asking for the man she is seeing to value her enough to care whether she can go to dinner with him.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable.

[pteromom]

Why does a man have to pay for a woman for her to think he's into her? If a guy has to pay for a girlfriend, someone is going to have to me explain the difference between a girlfriend and a hooker.

 

1, when you care about someone, you want to share what you bring to the table with that person. In his case, he has money, so he should be willing to spend a little of it on her. But it would be the same if one person was a gourmet cook and refused to cook for their partner. Or if one person was a masseuse, but wouldn't give their partner massages. There's an attitude of giving and loving each other, then there's an attitude of paranoia and selfishness and tit-for-tat. One is attractive. The other is NOT.

 

2, I realize it isn't popular belief with the younger crowd, but many women still like that feeling of being cared for. Being enveloped by big strong arms; having doors opened for her; and yes, having him reach for the check at a restaurant. There's a feeling that comes from chivalry that is just unexplainable... a feeling of being protected and safe and cared for.

 

The same feeling a guy likely gets when a woman is using her natural FEMININE traits with him... being nurturing when he's sick;making him a home-cooked meal; dressing in a sexy nightie. But you wouldn't say "Why would a woman have to dress sexy to show a guy she's into him!" She doesn't HAVE to... but it's appreciated. And he doesn't HAVE to pay; nobody is twisting his arm... but it's appreciated.

 

And in this particular case, he is choosing NOT going out with her at ALL over paying a few bucks so she can join him once in a while. I'd think the same thing she's thinking - he must not care about me very much if I am not as important as either keeping up his "must be equal" rigid mindset or keeping that $40 in his pocket.

 

This discussion always goes back to feminism and "well, if women want to have what men have, then I ain't paying, and I ain't opening doors or puttin' no women on a pedestal!" But it isn't about feminism. Feminism is about women having equal rights, equal pay, and equal opportunities. It doesn't mean we want to cast off everything that makes us female! Men and women are DIFFERENT. And that is a good thing!!!

[snowflakes88]

Women who complain about this always say they would treat the guy way more often if they earned double or triple what he makes...but how often do women date guys that make a third or half what she makes?

 

More often than you think, I bet. I honestly don't recall the last time I dated a man who made anything close to what I do.

[me85]

I'm sorry but your boyfriend doesn't seem to be all that considerate...of your feelings about this issue.

 

If he can't see why you would be hurt by this then move on honey.

 

This would be a deal breaker for me. I hate when money is an issue of any kind.

 

My thoughts are, money is meant to be spent and if I have it, there's no big deal and I NEVER mind. I take guys out and treat them. I don't have a problem going dutch either, but if my BF always expected me to pay my own way or even expected me to the majority of the time, I wouldn't be ok with it.

 

That's just in poor taste and bad manners.

 

(For a guy or a girl)

[hopefullove]

I didn't see anywhere in her post where she was asking him to SUPPORT her. She just wants him to take her out once in a while.

 

yah! I don't know why people keep saying that either! She wasn't asking him to support her!!! It's going to dates. It's dating. Maybe we all just have different definitions of what it is like to date.

 

For me - if we are friends I pay my own way. If i was meeting up with a guy, let's say a first date, I wouldn't expect him to pay for me unless he is a gentlemen and offers to pay. Then if he asks me out, then I let him take it on as his responsibility to take me out and date me if he chooses. If you ask me out, and you want to date me, I am traditional in the sense that I adhere to those dating conventions, cus, people want to date me, and people send me chocolates to my work, show up with flowers, invite me for dinners, take me out for a show, whatever, it's called being courted. If you want to split so early on, sure let's be friends, but we are not dating.

 

And when the person becomes my boyfriend, I haven't had a single boyfriend where we would go dutch. However i take care of the home cooked meals, and I like to eat well and love cooking so the grocery bill isn't cheap at all, but I love cooking for people, and my SO loves that, and they also enjoy cooking for me too on occasion as well, but as the relationship progresses. And then I will also treat my SO to things, shows that I know he would want to see, I like to buy Groupon things, I just like buying things, and when we go out, he can pay for things too. I mean I pay for little things as well, but with the men I've dated, they always are really fast to take care of the bill and take is as their responsibility for when we are going out.

 

So whatever. It's called enjoying life, and a lot of things in life cost money. I don't ask for anything extravagant, but I think taking your girl out for a date, for dinner, show, whatever, brunch, treat her, make her feel nice and taken care of, that's what I am used to, and I wouldn't date anyone who didn't have the same values as me. So some people pointed out it's a values thing as some of you have your relationships that work with the splitting bills, I have a more traditional relationship, and I like a guy who wants to do things to make me happy, and from my experience, when they are happy, that's what makes them happy.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

I think either he is stupid or not caring. You do have goals, you're going to be studying to be a teacher. That's awesome. But he makes twice or three times the amount and barely pays for you? He should give you a break and pay for you and pay for you because " HE WANTS TO" and wants to spoil you now and then because he likes/loves you. Either he should give you a break or break up with you. I'm not sure if he's all that into you to be honest and you deserve to be with someone who is.

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Dump him. Can you imagine a future with this tight wad? Can you imagine living with him? I can see him taking notes on everything he's purchased right down to a lb of grapes. You had 5 more grapes than him so....Point is, it's really difficult to live your life with someone like that. He is who he is...can you deal with that in the long run?

[MissBee]

Hi all,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 9 months, we're both 24.

 

He has a great job at Google as a software engineer and earns $140,000 a year, and I am unemployed with a part-time job as a lifeguard, but I'm going to embark on a teaching course in a few months so I will be more financially stable later on. I'm from a middle class family and my parents support me but my father retired a few years ago and we have many other expenses, I feel bad constantly asking them for money. My boyfriend is from a working class family so he makes all of his own money.

 

One thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend has only paid for me about 3 or 4 times in the 9 months that we have been together. I'm not a gold-digger, I am looking at this situation practically. Despite making loads of money and me frequently being broke, he always insists on splitting the bill. I like to make people feel special so I actually think I have paid for him more times than he has paid for me. I have started saying no to things like going out to dinner now because I'm broke, and instead of offering to pay for me he just says "ok no problem". If I ever bring up this problem he accuses me of being a gold-digger which I'm not.

 

He just doesn't make me feel special anymore at all.

 

Does anyone have advice on this? He seems to be inconsiderate with this and it's causing tension between us.

 

Thanks

 

I couldn't be with someone like this.

 

The old "gold-digging" excuse is so absurd. Gold diggers try to get men to pay for their entire lives and try to get expensive gifts like cars, vacations, pricey jewelry etc...not meals . If I were dating a man who accused me of gold digging because I wanted him to treat me sometimes I would immediately dump him. He has some kind of issue why he is so caught up with this and he's plain inconsiderate and selfish.

 

You've even paid for him on your meager earnings yet he NEVER ever offers to treat you. There is nothing but selfishness and miserliness there and for me personally I don't have any space for that in my life.

 

My bf makes more money than I do but I do fine for myself and he pays a lot of the time and many times I offer to...but we never split the bill! He either covers the whole check for dinner or I do, but if you're a couple splitting the bill for dinner is so tacky IMO.

[veggirl]

I doubt he's a "tight-wad". If he was, he wouldn't be going out to dinner at all. I think he just doesn't care enough to spend money on his girlfriend. Sorry OP but in normal relationships people ENJOY treating their SO at least every now & again.

[MissBee]

Most people don't have the luxury to just take a year off to figure out their passion while they live off their parents. You mentioned your boyfriend came from a working class family. He must find it mind boggling that you have two college degrees and are only working part time as a life guard.

 

Was he forced to date the OP???

 

If it was that mind boggling and deplorable to him then he shouldn't have dated her and should have instead made it a priority to only date women with full careers and salaries...yet he didn't do that, so it cannot bother him THAT much!

 

Cheap and stingy people are cheap and stingy regardless of if they earn $400 or $400,000 and generous people likewise. It's all about the attitude behind how one spends or doesn't and how you perceive spending.

 

The OP herself doesn't make as much as him and is generous so sees no problem with treating him yet he splits hairs about it with her. It's obvious to me that the issue isn't about her and whether or not she has a job right now but that his entire attitude seems miserly. I don't imagine once she is a teacher his attitude will change at all about this...I am willing to bet it would stay the exact same.

[Gaeta]

OP threads so far:

 

Boyfriend loves her less

Boyfriend never interested in what she says

Boyfriend wants to leave her for her own good

Boyfriend says he is not attracted towards her

 

Should OP be THAT surprised that boyfriend won't pay for her...

[pteromom]

And when the person becomes my boyfriend, I haven't had a single boyfriend where we would go dutch. However i take care of the home cooked meals, and I like to eat well and love cooking so the grocery bill isn't cheap at all, but I love cooking for people, and my SO loves that, and they also enjoy cooking for me too on occasion as well, but as the relationship progresses. And then I will also treat my SO to things, shows that I know he would want to see, I like to buy Groupon things, I just like buying things, and when we go out, he can pay for things too. I mean I pay for little things as well, but with the men I've dated, they always are really fast to take care of the bill and take is as their responsibility for when we are going out.

 

This sounds like a normal healthy relationship, with both partners giving and taking with a spirit of generosity and gratitude.

 

I can't see how someone would be happy in a relationship where you are constantly evaluating whether things are "equal" and whether your partner is trying to pull one over on you or is using you. Sounds exhausting and quite unsatisfying!

[clia]

Was he forced to date the OP???

 

If it was that mind boggling and deplorable to him then he shouldn't have dated her and should have instead made it a priority to only date women with full careers and salaries...yet he didn't do that, so it cannot bother him THAT much!

 

Cheap and stingy people are cheap and stingy regardless of if they earn $400 or $400,000 and generous people likewise. It's all about the attitude behind how one spends or doesn't and how you perceive spending.

 

The OP herself doesn't make as much as him and is generous so sees no problem with treating him yet he splits hairs about it with her. It's obvious to me that the issue isn't about her and whether or not she has a job right now but that his entire attitude seems miserly. I don't imagine once she is a teacher his attitude will change at all about this...I am willing to bet it would stay the exact same.

 

No one is forcing her to date him either, though. She's the one having the problem with the arrangement, not him. He's not grumping around that she can't afford to do things; she tells him she can't afford it and he says "ok." End of story. He's not forcing her to pay for him; she does that on her own.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have put up with this guy for one month. I wouldn't have put up with it for one date.

 

This guy isn't into her. His actions say it all. Him never offering to treat her is just the tip of the iceberg. I have a feeling if he met a woman he was crazy about he would have no problem treating her.

 

Look at her previous threads about him if you haven't already.

[pteromom]

This is all well and good, and I agree, but her complaint is that her BF doesn't buy him dinner, and I think that a woman demanding a man to pay for her share is talking about traditional gender roles. If this is the case, I wonder if the woman is holding up her side of the traditional gender role. Most I've seen expect the guy to follow his role by paying for things, but they don't follow theirs.

 

I have no idea, as I can't speak for the OP. I know in my case, I expect chivalry, and I have no problem doing the cooking and cleaning and other traditional female things.

 

Now if you are talking about traditional roles as in "the wimmens stay home barefoot and pregnant and shut up until spoken to", then HAHAHAHHA, no.

 

But it isn't just about traditional gender roles. That's one piece, but the other piece is being willing to share what you have and who you are with your partner. If a guy makes well over 6 figures and isn't willing to take his gf out to dinner, sorry, but he's either a tightwad, isn't into her, or has some other issue. It's just not NORMAL.

 

See, in this instance, the OP isn't exactly twisting his arm over paying, but she's expecting him to pay regardless.

 

It's not about expecting him to pay. It's about expecting him to deem her important in his life. The guy would rather go out alone than shell out a few bucks to be able to spend time with her. Sorry, but that makes him a grade-A a-hole in my book.

 

I know you mentioned tit for tat, and people being giving earlier, but my own experiences have shown me that the people who talk the most about how their partner should be giving, are the ones who don't give anything in return.

 

Well, obviously you don't just blindly hand money to someone who takes it and walks away laughing. As you build your relationship, you build trust. And as you build trust, you gain confidence that this other person ISN'T using you for your money and you feel safe spending money, time, and love on them.

 

This could be turned around. A man could be upset that a woman doesn't want to give up her "the man must pay for things" rigid mindset.

 

Except she doesn't have that mindset. She has paid and just wishes he would pay for her sometimes.

 

I think equal pay has a lot to do with who pays for what. The tradition of men paying for dinner was in place because most women weren't earners. It just seems like a double standard that the feminism movement says that women should be equal earners, which I agree with, yet still want the men to pay for everything. Sounds like a sweet deal to me if you can earn as much as men, yet we still have to spend our money to take care of you.

 

If you look at things that way, as if people view relationships as a way to "get" things. On a social level, you have a point. If a woman can earn as much as a man, why should he pay? But on a relationship level, a man is still the man in the relationship, and a woman is still the woman, and there's still this part inside a woman's brain that wants their man to be the provider who cares for her. It's part of who we are, and it isn't because we are trying to take advantage of men or get free dinners.

 

With all this said, I just want to point out that I have no issues taking care of things financially when I am with a woman. In fact, I pay for pretty much everything in my current relationship. A lot of men have voiced the idea that they don't feel like their woman is keeping up her end of the bargain of traditional gender roles, so they don't feel they should have to keep theirs by paying for everything.

 

So does your gf contribute to the relationship in other ways? Does she do things to make you happy? It's not about making sure you conform to traditional gender roles. It's about creating a dance with your partner, where each of you do your steps to make something beautiful together. If that means he loves to cook, so be it. If that means she mows the yard, perfect. If that means that she feels feminine and loved when he pays the check, awesome. As long as both people are in the relationship with a spirit of giving and making each other happy, who cares? Worrying about society and feminism and gender roles isn't going to keep you warm when you go to bed at night. You create your own roles.

 

But in THIS post, the OP is giving, and this guy she is with is just a taker. He doesn't want to give anything. He doesn't want to give his money, his reassurance, his attraction, his loyalty, his ear... he just wants to make sure he isn't being taken advantage of.

[MissBee]

No one is forcing her to date him either, though. She's the one having the problem with the arrangement, not him. He's not grumping around that she can't afford to do things; she tells him she can't afford it and he says "ok." End of story. He's not forcing her to pay for him; she does that on her own.

 

Personally, I wouldn't have put up with this guy for one month. I wouldn't have put up with it for one date.

 

This guy isn't into her. His actions say it all. Him never offering to treat her is just the tip of the iceberg. I have a feeling if he met a woman he was crazy about he would have no problem treating her.

 

Look at her previous threads about him if you haven't already.

 

I agree...however your initial posts weren't saying this, which to me is the crux of the issue. He is stingy and miserly and/or doesn't care for Sweeetie much so cannot be arsed. I can totally agree.

 

I responded though to your posts that focused on her current career situation and which made it seem like the reason he behaves this way is because she isn't currently employed full time. You focused a lot on her lack of a full time career right now as the underlying reason for his behavior, because he supposedly found it mind-boggling and I was calling bull on that because to me it doesn't seem like that is really his issue.

 

What you're currently saying about him just not being into her makes a lot more sense to me than the former idea.

[Tayla]

Most dating gestures are done from the heart and kindness not out of "traditional" roles. So plum pleased that People can have the ability to know the difference in this dating era.

 

Not a fan of the gimme gimme , it sets the stage for dependency.

 

Going out with a loved one sometimes only cost time. Plan a picnic ,or a night at a summer movie fest...there are things you can do that doesnt involve money...or do you equate money with love?

[kaylan]

I didn't see anywhere in her post where she was asking him to SUPPORT her. She just wants him to take her out once in a while.

 

I don't see where she is leaching off him either.

 

Yes, if she was saying "He should pay my rent for me because he makes more", then sure.

 

But she's just asking for the man she is seeing to value her enough to care whether she can go to dinner with him.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable.

Of course you dont see the entitlement or desire for support.

 

Like I said before, if the genders were swapped, almost every single woman in here would be rebuking the OP for being a leeching loser guy.

[FitnessRN]

Hi all,

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 9 months, we're both 24.

 

He has a great job at Google as a software engineer and earns $140,000 a year, and I am unemployed with a part-time job as a lifeguard, but I'm going to embark on a teaching course in a few months so I will be more financially stable later on. I'm from a middle class family and my parents support me but my father retired a few years ago and we have many other expenses, I feel bad constantly asking them for money. My boyfriend is from a working class family so he makes all of his own money.

 

One thing that bothers me is that my boyfriend has only paid for me about 3 or 4 times in the 9 months that we have been together. I'm not a gold-digger, I am looking at this situation practically. Despite making loads of money and me frequently being broke, he always insists on splitting the bill. I like to make people feel special so I actually think I have paid for him more times than he has paid for me. I have started saying no to things like going out to dinner now because I'm broke, and instead of offering to pay for me he just says "ok no problem". If I ever bring up this problem he accuses me of being a gold-digger which I'm not.

 

He just doesn't make me feel special anymore at all.

 

Does anyone have advice on this? He seems to be inconsiderate with this and it's causing tension between us.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Cut ties with the guy! I hope he paid for you with some nice expensive dinners every once in a while.. A guy should treat his girl well..sometimes catch you off guard with some flowers every once in a while too!

[TXGuy]

Dump him. Can you imagine a future with this tight wad? Can you imagine living with him? I can see him taking notes on everything he's purchased right down to a lb of grapes. You had 5 more grapes than him so....Point is, it's really difficult to live your life with someone like that. He is who he is...can you deal with that in the long run?

 

I agree. Dump this guy and start dating a guy that makes a fraction of what you do. Then you can treat your new guy to all that is involved in dating and show us all how it is supposed to work.

 

But I somehow bet this is not going to happen.