Do women still act affectionate with their husbands even if they don't love them??

[y2k]

Yeah so a couple who is friends with my older brothers just split (woman is 40, husband is 43). The woman was always the most affectionate in public with her husband (she'd go to hold his hand, she's initiated kisses with him, she'd smile at him all the time, etc). She had pictures of the two of them in a loving fashion on facebook, the whole nine yards.

 

Now they're divorcing because it was reviled that she had a secret boyfriend all along, and now she and her son are living with this secret boyfriend.

 

It reminds me of Coco (Ice T's wife) who seemed so in love at least publicly, and yet she cheated on Ice T.

 

Other famous women who were so publicly affectionate with their husbands include Heidi Klum, Kristen Stewart, etc...and they all found other men.

 

Can women still play the affectionate wife, while not really being in love with their husbands??? Can woman still play this role when they're deep down unhappy??? Can women play this role while really in love with another??? Please, thoughts from both sexes.

[todreaminblue]

Yes, i could but i would never cheat. If i was married to a man and i fell out of love it would be something more along the lines of him cheating than me..and i would eventually leave if he made no effort to change or said he couldnt I would atempt to fall back in love with him by reigniting flames with date nights and revisitng favorite places or whatever i had to do counselling etc......i am a fighter..and guys i have been with in the past have cheate and still been affectionate with me adn wanted to keep me, but i cant be kept like that i am still friends with mye xes but the intimacy is gone.....not through me cheating ro getting another lover...i dont do multiples i am a multiple that would be highly confusing.........for me and definitely for anyone i was with so i am a one man girl......deb

[y2k]

Yes, i could but i would never cheat. If i was married to a man and i fell out of love it would be something more along the lines of him cheating than me..and i would eventually leave if he made no effort to change or said he couldnt I would atempt to fall back in love with him by reigniting flames with date nights and revisitng favorite places or whatever i had to do counselling etc......i am a fighter..and guys i have been with in the past have cheate and still been affectionate with me adn wanted to keep me, but i cant be kept like that i am still friends with mye xes but the intimacy is gone.....not through me cheating ro getting another lover...i dont do multiples i am a multiple that would be highly confusing.........for me and definitely for anyone i was with so i am a one man girl......deb

 

Interesting response. So what you are saying that if you fell out of love with your husband, you'd try to take the lead in trying to re-build the fire. So you would be able to show affection even if you didn't love your husband.

 

I'd love to hear from others (of both sexes). In particular of women who are (or have been) married.

 

EDIT: I would add how it was interesting how the woman I referred to in the original post seemed to both attempt to re-kindle the lost fire, and go out and find his "replacement". I guess some women try to both fix their original marriage, and try to find a potential "replacement". Interesting....

Edited June 17, 2014 by y2k

[dichotomy]

Many cheaters are so happy to have cake AND ice cream. just makes them happy all around. This may translate even into improved sexual or other physical affection with their spouse. Dopamine and all those other happy brain chemicals flood the brain thanks to new lover.

 

Also many will claim to still love their spouses and love their AP. Either different loves or some sort of polyamory I suppose...or delusion.

[y2k]

Many cheaters are so happy to have cake AND ice cream. just makes them happy all around. This may translate even into improved sexual or other physical affection with their spouse. Dopamine and all those other happy brain chemicals flood the brain thanks to new lover.

 

Also many will claim to still love their spouses and love their AP. Either different loves or some sort of polyamory I suppose...or delusion.

 

Yeah. It's either the women take cake and ice cream, or they are trying to both re-kindle the lost fire in their original marriage while searching for a potential replacement. Interesting indeed.

 

Either way, it seems that women are more than capable of showing a ton of affection (and almost taking the lead in all the physical affection) while not really loving their husbands (or even secretly loving another man....).

 

Interesting.....

[Michelle ma Belle]

Many cheaters, despite their infidelity, STILL love their spouses. Why then do they feel the need to go off and fornicate with someone else could be for a hundred reasons none of which I condone.

 

Yes, many cheaters go off and seek fulfillment from other people because their marriages are basically dead and miserable yet they're too afraid to end things because of kids, money or whatever.

 

For me personally, I have never cheated nor have been cheated on so I can't speak from experience. However, if I were to hazard a guess of how I might behave, it would depend on the state of my marriage and if I was still in love with my husband or not.

 

If I genuinely loved him and deep down wanted to remain with him but also found myself loving the excitement and attention I was getting from a lover, I'd probably be much more inclined to rekindle affections or amp them up. I think this would be highly possible because on some level I'd be happier and more fulfilled. Id' finally be a woman who gets to have her cake and eat it too.

 

If on the other hand I was in a miserable marriage with a lot of fighting and resentment where I ultimately ached to be free from my husband but was too afraid to leave, I would not rekindle anything with him. I'm not a very good liar and can't fake emotions or affection very well so I'd never be able to pull it off.

 

Bottom line is I think men and women who are able to be affectionate with their spouses whilst eyeball deep in the middle of an affair can only do so if they still have genuine feelings for their partners but can't let go of the affair OR maybe they're just robotic monsters who enjoy toying with people's emotions

 

Dunno. Just a theory.

Edited June 17, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[lonegirl]

I think it depends on the personality. When I was married and fell out of love, I couldn't stand him, because I have this thought of always being very honest to myself and to my partner. I just closed all my doors and left, and made it clear to him so we could get all the pain in one shot and never have any expectations about us together again. But that's me, and I know many right now are keeping marriages due to other reasons than love such as finances, kids, comfort, friendship, status, etc.

[y2k]

I know many right now are keeping marriages due to other reasons than love such as finances, kids, comfort, friendship, status, etc.

 

Yeah. In the case in my original post, the woman did look for her potential "replacement" while trying to re-kindle the fire.

 

Word was that when she first met her secret boyfriend, she tested him in every way. She even told him that if anything ever happened to her marriage, she would never remarry (a typical woman test I suppose, lol). She even introduced her secret boyfriend to her little 6 year old son (supposedly before and during their affair). Ladies, are these the typical signs of a woman looking for a potential "replacement"???

 

Just knowing about this story is scary.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Yeah. In the case in my original post, the woman did look for her potential "replacement" while trying to re-kindle the fire.

 

Word was that when she first met her secret boyfriend, she tested him in every way. She even told him that if anything ever happened to her marriage, she would never remarry (a typical woman test I suppose, lol). She even introduced her secret boyfriend to her little 6 year old son (supposedly before and during their affair). Ladies, are these the typical signs of a woman looking for a potential "replacement"???

 

Just knowing about this story is scary.

 

There is nothing "typical" about this woman or this situation.

[firmness]

What I think you are really asking is this "How is it possible for women like this to be so duplicitous and fake? And, is this a "Thing" - do all/most women do this?"

 

So I will answer THIS question.

 

- Yes it is possible, obviously. And yes, it is a thing that is more widespread than anyone wants to admit. Sorry. Don't trust me - go check for yourself.

 

- Not all women can do this or are willing, but overwhelmingly women are expected to be better liars by society. Especially when it comes to cheating. You can tell early on if you are paying attention. Unfortunately our biology/hormones cloud our judgment too often. The Achilles Heel of human males if there ever was one.

 

 

Not all women are liars, but the pressures of society over the centuries has made it insanely difficult for women in this way, so we should not be surprised to see this behavior.

 

Historically, globally, if a man cheats, he gets a free pass so no fear of admitting it. If a woman cheats, she may risk getting a beating or murdered. We criticize Islam for this these days, but our own "Christian" culture is not too far removed from this behavior. Keep that in mind before you get too judgy. You would be a liar too.

 

Many of the women who boldly told the truth died.

 

So while it is a reasonable thing to say that this is "not typical" or "not all women are like that" it is also reasonable to conclude that under the right circumstances the overwhelming majority of men and women can be duplicitous.

 

There is no real way to avoid this. I am a pretty good puzzle solver and the variables are too complex for me to reduce to a "good guy, bad guy" solution. It just doesn't work that way.

[oldshirt]

Your scenario really isn't all that unusual at all. I know lots of people that appeared completely normal right up to the moment the ejection handle was pulled.

 

On relationship autopsy their bewildered partners could look back and see some signs in retrospect but often times even those signs are things that other couples have as well.

 

To wish that all couples would try to be upfront and address their issues and to seek reconciliation and to formally divorce their partner before moving on to find someone else is a worthy ideal.

 

- It's completely unrealistic though. Most people cover their tracks pretty well and have some form of back-up plan in place before they pull the plug.

[oldshirt]

There is nothing "typical" about this woman or this situation.

 

I disagree. I think it is very typical....almost standard in fact.

 

What's different in this particular case is the OP was an outside observer telling it from his perspective. I think a lot of Waywards do put in time and energy to keep up appearances to the outside world.

[GoBlue]

I do not agree that this is typical or standard behavior. People are people, that is, every single one of us are individuals with unique personalities. There are women who are very affectionate towards their husband and/or boyfriends in public but do not cheat. There are also women who aren't very affectionate towards their husband/boyfriend and do not cheat. The presence of public affection is no clear indicator either way.

[jbelle6]

Some people are also fake and it has nothing to do with love.

My mother could throw a plate at my fathers head and when company comes over an hour later they are in "love".

 

People, especially celebs have a private and a public "face".

 

To answer your question, no, I could not do it, when I fall out of love I cringe when they come near me.