awkward_sads Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Hi everybody! This is my first post on the forum so please let me know if I've done something wrong. BF and I have been dating for a couple years now. I know his friends and they know me. They also know (because BF told them) that BF raped me in the early stages of our relationship. I forgave him, I'm in counselling, end of story, not up for discussion, this is not the problem. The problem is that the friends will make rape jokes when I'm around and this really upsets me. (Rape jokes in general upset me, and I've had to deal with them at work and the office people just basically telling me I need to deal with it and it's not going to change. So I am kind of sensitive to this issue.) I spoke up about it to his friends and they basically think I'm overreacting. Some of them have even harassed me online because of it, and most if not all of them talk badly about me behind my back because of it. It was putting BF in an awkward position, so he "broke up" with them a couple days ago because they were disrespecting me like this. However now he wants to make up with them. There was a camping trip planned that everybody was going to go on, which happens to fall on my birthday. BF wants to go on the trip, but I don't feel like going because at least one of his friends has mentioned how I should apologize for overreacting about the whole thing, because the jokes aren't meant to hurt me (but they do hurt anyways! it's like stepping on toes - I don't mean to hurt you when I step on your toes but it still hurts). I don't want to go on the camping trip because of this BS, but that will mean I don't get to camping at all this summer, and BF will get to go twice (and not be there for my birthday because of the trip). I am pretty jealous about the whole thing and wish my BF would stick up for me. It kind of hurts that he wants to spend time with these people who hate me. What can I do? Thanks for reading.
Grumpybutfun Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) Break up with your bf for raping you for a start...if you accept that with just an apology, still hang out with this criminal then naturally that is the kind of friends he will have so you aren't dealing with mature, civilized people. They see that you accepted rape when you took your bf back so they think you are flaky and weak willed. Break up, move on and get some counseling to figure out why you are reacting to jokes negatively, but not negatively to the actual act. Your behavior doesn't mesh with your story. No woman should ever be with a man who raped them in any capacity except to press charges and publicly shame them. Good luck, Grumps Edited June 16, 2014 by Grumpybutfun 8
Mrin Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Totally echo what Grumps just said. Also, you are 110% justified for feeling as you do. Rape jokes - sweet Jesus, seriously? Seriously?!? Who makes rape jokes? Sounds like you need a new BF. Conversely, your BF needs to grow a spine, understand the gravity of rape, and get some new friends. Unbelievable. On behalf of all Men, I apologize.
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 OMG! Are you serious? You are dating your rapist? Oh honey. Get some counseling. Get a new BF. That will obviate the need to deal with the friends. Geeze.
GoreSP Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I'm not going to comment. But I don't think you'll get the advice you are looking for here...
ThorntonMelon Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Hi everybody! This is my first post on the forum so please let me know if I've done something wrong. So far you're doing a super job. BF and I have been dating for a couple years now. I know his friends and they know me. They also know (because BF told them) that BF raped me in the early stages of our relationship. I forgave him, I'm in counselling, end of story, not up for discussion, this is not the problem. I'm going to respect your wishes here and not evaluate that piece of the situation. HOWEVER, it would be foolish for me not to point out that you can't evaluate your feelings about things you've posted without taking into account what he did to you. This cannot be evaluated in a vacuum. I'm sorry, it can't. But I won't place value judgments on your relationship. The problem is that the friends will make rape jokes when I'm around and this really upsets me. (Rape jokes in general upset me, and I've had to deal with them at work and the office people just basically telling me I need to deal with it and it's not going to change. So I am kind of sensitive to this issue.) You are surrounding yourself with very, very odd people. You need to know this. I don't think I've heard more than 1 or 2 rape jokes in my life, and the joke teller knew right away they'd blown it. You're kind of dealing with a-holes here in your personal and professional life. I hope you know that. This is not normal behavior. I spoke up about it to his friends and they basically think I'm overreacting. Some of them have even harassed me online because of it, and most if not all of them talk badly about me behind my back because of it. They're losers. It was putting BF in an awkward position, so he "broke up" with them a couple days ago because they were disrespecting me like this. However now he wants to make up with them. Honestly, they're not even only disrespecting you, they're just life losers. No one should want to be around that stuff, it's just not normal human behavior. There was a camping trip planned that everybody was going to go on, which happens to fall on my birthday. BF wants to go on the trip, but I don't feel like going because at least one of his friends has mentioned how I should apologize for overreacting about the whole thing, because the jokes aren't meant to hurt me (but they do hurt anyways! it's like stepping on toes - I don't mean to hurt you when I step on your toes but it still hurts). I wouldn't want to be in the same time zone as these people. Again, you're focused on one aspect of a much bigger issue, these people are all degenerates. I don't want to go on the camping trip because of this BS, but that will mean I don't get to camping at all this summer, and BF will get to go twice (and not be there for my birthday because of the trip). Find someone who wants to camp with you. This is the only piece of your post that sounds petty and I don't see your side on. If you want to camp, camp. Find normal human beings to do it with. And whether your boyfriend gets to do it 10 times, it's irrelevant to you. Your focus is your mental and physical well-being. I am pretty jealous about the whole thing and wish my BF would stick up for me. It kind of hurts that he wants to spend time with these people who hate me. As it should. And if he truly loved you like you loved him, he wouldn't. I'm sorry to say that. But it's true. What can I do? Thanks for reading. A lot of things. But I think the basic is to stop worrying so much about your relationship and focus on you and your well-being. What do you need to be happy? Are you getting it from your relationship? What do you need to change in your relationship to make it healthy? (And again, I am saying a lot of this with my tongue bit because I promised at the top not to take into account the most important part of the whole story because you said it wasn't up for discussion) 6
Glinda.Good Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Rape jokes are bad, but actual rape is okay? Hm. 8
ExpatInItaly Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 WTF did I just read. Your boyfriend is an a**hole. His friends are also a**holes. Get these toxic creeps out of your life. Stay in counselling and surround yourself with supportive people who care about your mental and physical well-being. Your boyfriend certainly doesn't, and neither do his friends. 4
nofeelings22 Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Wow. These friends of his are jerks. Maybe it's time to demand he stand up to them. And there is such a thing as a rape joke? Somehow I don't think they sound very funny. The closest thing I have ever heard was when a girl was telling me that she didn't want sex, but her boyfriend did and they had a little "snuggle struggle" I'd think rape jokes would go over like cancer jokes ot 9/11 jokes. Not funny at all.
Zahara Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Your bf and his friends have talked about it and have probably trivialized it even more seeing that after an act like that you still chose to stay with him. It speaks highly of how much you respect yourself, teaching others that respecting you isn't required or demanded. Therefore, they don't need to extend it and neither does your boyfriend. If you tolerate a man raping you, why can't you tolerate rape jokes, hence you overreacting in their mind -- because no one in their right mind would put up with being violated like that. This is probably how they view you. 1
DitzyPanda Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 There are those type of people who develop feelings for their rapist and I don't understand the logic behind it, but if he makes you happy in the end then what can I say? If he's decided to go camping with his jerk friends instead of celebrating your birthday then there's a problem. I think you put yourself in the position to feel the way that you do and should find a way to get out of it.
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 WTF did I just read. Your boyfriend is an a**hole. His friends are also a**holes. . The friends are a*holes. The BF is a CRIMINAL! 2
rester Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 You are surrounding yourself with very, very odd people. You need to know this. I don't think I've heard more than 1 or 2 rape jokes in my life, and the joke teller knew right away they'd blown it. You're kind of dealing with a-holes here in your personal and professional life. I hope you know that. This is not normal behavior. They're losers. Honestly, they're not even only disrespecting you, they're just life losers. No one should want to be around that stuff, it's just not normal human behavior. I wouldn't want to be in the same time zone as these people. Again, you're focused on one aspect of a much bigger issue, these people are all degenerates. Seriously. I don't know if I've ever heard anyone tell a rape joke. I avoid those types of people at all costs. I've heard racist jokes from friends of friends and immediately left the situation and keep myself from encountering them in the future. And I've made it clear to my friends who were friends with them that I wouldn't be interacting with their friends anymore, and why. My suggestion would be to find other people to camp with. These people don't respect you, don't respect how you feel about rape, and are treating you like dirt because they think it's funny. They are scum. And they want YOU to apologize for overreacting? F NO.
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) Hi everybody! This is my first post on the forum so please let me know if I've done something wrong. BF and I have been dating for a couple years now. I know his friends and they know me. They also know (because BF told them) that BF raped me in the early stages of our relationship. I forgave him, I'm in counselling, end of story, not up for discussion, this is not the problem. Oh but it IS a problem and needs to be discussed sweetie. The fact that you don't realize this and are choosing to skim over this very critical and life-changing piece of the puzzle has me very concerned about your overall mental state. And who the hell goes around TELLING his friends that he RAPED his girlfriend?!? The rape jokes are the least of your problems in my humble opinion. Sorry sweetie but this sounds like all sorts of crazy to me. I'm curious now, what your therapist thinks of you forgiving and remaining in a relationship with your rapist? Edited June 16, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 3
Zahara Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I am pretty jealous about the whole thing and wish my BF would stick up for me. It kind of hurts that he wants to spend time with these people who hate me. The man raped you. Why would he have any concern for your wellbeing now? You think someone that violated you would now stick up for you? Your thought process is all sorts of skewed. 1
ktya Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) What a bizarre situation. You are practically in Stockholm Syndrome. You met a guy, he raped you. You forgave him and went to counselling and are still quite traumatized about it and just jokes about it bug you. The guys friends are likely all like him and think its funny and probably force sex on their partners too and they all guffaw about it. Yet you are still with him hoping that he will console you? Like the other posters said, break up with him, stay single for a while and get some serious counselling. You need to identify why (a) you were attracted to someone who was out to victimize you, and (b) why you feel it's OK to stay with him, and finally © why you do not see the forest for the trees when all his friends joke around about rape. Leave him. Get out. Edited June 16, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
William Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Respecting our forum's philosophy of engaging members and not preaching at them, and relevant to this statement by the thread starter: " I forgave him <for the act>, I'm in counselling, end of story, not up for discussion, this is not the problem." Hence, let's focus on the issue outlined in the title and refrain from characterizing the thread starter personally. It's more welcoming and it also meets the spirit and letter of our guidelines and keeps everyone's posting privileges intact. Win-win!
RachR Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 (edited) Break up with him. That's all I can say. I'm sorry if you hoped me or most of anyone to give advice about a rapist or abusers in the same vein as we would for someone who doesn't abuse people like this... but I can't. Context and dynamics matter. I would say the same if he was hiting you or whatever. Leave him. He is sick. His friends are sick. Edited June 16, 2014 by RachR
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