It seems like he doesn't want to spend as much time with me, should I be concerned?

June 15, 2014

I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 months. The big issue for me though, is that we literally only see each other 1x week. It's always either Fri or Sat, and that's it. I do get texts from him daily, and a brief phone call maybe 1x a week.

However, I just feel like I should be seeing him at least 2x a week. I'm not asking for every day, or anything unreasonable. I do live 25 miles away from him. In the beginning, I understood because we were both in college and it wasn't practical to see each other during the week given our workloads. Now, it's summer and we both have 10-5pm internships, M-F. Still, couldn't he make time to see me at least ONE day between M-T?

Last week, I was at my friend's home in his neighborhood when he texted, and I told him about my night. He said "why didn't you tell me you were in the neighborhood, we could have done something." It was too late. I told him basically that if he wanted to see me, he didn't have to wait until I was in the neighborhood already, and that he could have asked me to see him himself. He said "well because of our work schedules we're both so tired and I don't want to burden you with the drive" (it makes more sense for me drive out to him bc the area I live in has nothing around for miles).

I explained to him that from where I work, it's only a 15-20 min drive to his place, and that we could easily do something brief together after work during the week. He said he would "keep that in mind." But even if he's genuinely too tired during the week - he never asks to see me on a Sunday either. I should add that he doesn't seem to go out at all with friends during these times either - only on either Friday or Saturday.

Still, I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want to see me as often as I want to see him, and I don't understand why. In person he's attentive, telling me how much he likes me, and just last week he told me he loves me. But, he's also apparently content with a 1x a week "relationship." I should add that he's 26 and it seems like he's never really had a serious relationship that lasted more than a couple months. But I'm just having a hard time believing that he actually thinks 1x a week is enough, so it must just be that he doesn't want anything more than that. I know I need to talk to him, but I'm afraid to appear needy or demanding. How should I approach this?

June 15, 2014

you get daily texts.....that shows a high level of interest and wanting to keep you......

June 15, 2014

My BF an I only see eachother on weekends. We also live about 20 miles apart.

That said we're both working adults and single parents so seeing eachother on weekends just works for us right now.

Your BF might be genuinely tired. If he is texting you and showing you the attention you need to be happy in person then you have to decide if you can be happy with 1x a week until you're both in a position to see eachother more frequently.

June 15, 2014

you get daily texts.....that shows a high level of interest and wanting to keep you......

I agree, it's not like I think he's totally uninterested because he does keep regular contact. But I feel like texts build no connection at all. I can keep a text conversation going with anyone, for hours, and it doesn't feel like any kind of substantive development in a relationship. It's just typing on a phone.

I just feel like we need more actual 1 on 1 time in person. Maybe I am asking too much, that's why I posted here. To see what others think. Thanks for the post!

June 16, 2014

My BF an I only see eachother on weekends. We also live about 20 miles apart.

That said we're both working adults and single parents so seeing eachother on weekends just works for us right now.

Your BF might be genuinely tired. If he is texting you and showing you the attention you need to be happy in person then you have to decide if you can be happy with 1x a week until you're both in a position to see eachother more frequently.

Well that's the thing. Neither of us has kids. We're students who are currently on summer break and therefore only doing M-F internships. The distance is a bit of a bummer, but it's not like I live hours away.

1x a week is OK but I can't help but feel like if he really wanted to, it wouldn't be all that difficult to make it maybe 2x a week. Maybe only some weeks, or maybe even a Sunday.

June 16, 2014

I agree, it's not like I think he's totally uninterested because he does keep regular contact. But I feel like texts build no connection at all. I can keep a text conversation going with anyone, for hours, and it doesn't feel like any kind of substantive development in a relationship. It's just typing on a phone.

I just feel like we need more actual 1 on 1 time in person. Maybe I am asking too much, that's why I posted here. To see what others think. Thanks for the post!

it depends he sounds genuinely busy and its a shame because 1 on 1 time is getting harder to squeeze in today than it was years ago, the only thing you can do is give it time, i like spending more than once a week with a guy i date too, and most of the guys i have dated dont like it when i cant see them more and find it hard to leave which is fine.........lol....i also am understanding when they cant spend time with me i just wait and if i get daily texts i would be smilin.......and waitin.....lol..if i call a guy and he is busy and i am dating him he always calls me back as soon as he can .....because they know i can worry about them if they dont...so yes most of the time guys are thoughtful with me and i am thoughtful with them........deb

June 16, 2014

Honestly, the distance excuse sounds like just that, an excuse. Try talking to those of us in LDR where our partners live many more miles and hours and even time zones away from each other and we all seem to make it work.

If you want to see him more, than TELL him. Discuss it with him and see if you can't come to some kind of middle ground about what is doable for the both of you.

This relationship has TWO people in it and which means you BOTH have a say in things. Why should it just be what HE wants to do and not you?

Asking to see your boyfriend more than once a week does NOT sound needy for heaven's sake. And if he sees that as needy then maybe it's time to find someone else who'll value you and your relationship more than he does.

Good luck.

June 16, 2014

Honestly, the distance excuse sounds like just that, an excuse. Try talking to those of us in LDR where our partners live many more miles and hours and even time zones away from each other and we all seem to make it work.

If you want to see him more, than TELL him. Discuss it with him and see if you can't come to some kind of middle ground about what is doable for the both of you.

This relationship has TWO people in it and which means you BOTH have a say in things. Why should it just be what HE wants to do and not you?

Asking to see your boyfriend more than once a week does NOT sound needy for heaven's sake. And if he sees that as needy then maybe it's time to find someone else who'll value you and your relationship more than he does.

Good luck.

Thanks so much for this post. I do plan to bring it up with him, I'm just not sure how to approach the conversation so i need to think about it.

June 16, 2014

I should also add that what really got me upset was the fact that his parents were out of town for 2 weeks (this was about 3 weeks ago) and he didn't once invite me over. Like I said, I work 15-20 mins away from his home, and so it would have been really convenient to drive over after work during the week.

He asked me to sleep over once on the weekend (Fri), because we had plans for that day already and that was it, so the 1x a week remained. I was finally so annoyed by Sunday of last week that I asked HIM if I could go over for a while. He seemed happy about it and said I should go over and we had a nice night. But still, I had to initiate it and that bothers me because it just seemed like a no-brainer and super convenient for him to invite me over.

Blah.

June 16, 2014

25 minutes away is nothing. Where I live that would be considered not that far of a journey.

I also would not be happy with once a week after 4 months together. The only thing you can do is talk to him and tell him you want to see him more than once a week. If he doesn't want to, well I guess you just aren't compatible and he doesn't think that highly of your feelings or the relationship.

June 16, 2014

25 minutes away is nothing. Where I live that would be considered not that far of a journey.
I also would not be happy with once a week after 4 months together. The only thing you can do is talk to him and tell him you want to see him more than once a week. If he doesn't want to, well I guess you just aren't compatible and he doesn't think that highly of your feelings or the relationship.

I agree that 25 minutes isn't much. And like I said, even if he is just genuinely exhausted during the week, he could make time for me on a Sunday here and there.

June 23, 2014

Hey guys, I thought I'd just update this thread with what happened.

I talked to him. At first he got really defensive, but quickly calmed down (he has a bit of a temper). He told me he's never really been in a long-term, serious relationship and that he's not used to them and how they work. His longest relationship has been 6 months, and that was years ago. He says even in that relationship, he only saw the girl 1x a week and it was casual, that he didn't feel the "bond" he feels with me, so he's willing to change things to make me happy now that he knows I'm not happy.

He said he's trying to learn how serious relationships work, that this is new to him, and that him not making an effort to see me more than 1x week was not intentional due to him not wanting to see me, but just due to him genuinely thinking 1x a week is sufficient since that's what he's always done. I told him I don't expect him to spend countless hours with me, but that a quick dinner or something during the week maybe 1 or 2x, plus our usual weekend date would be sufficient. He said he is having a hard time adjusting to his work schedule, and he's very tired all the time, and that he's not good about the little things (like regular phone calls etc). But that he has no issue with this, would love to see me during the week, and will arrange to see me more during the week, and will call me more regularly.

He said that we need to talk to one another about these issues, and that much like when our relationship gets to a physical level (we haven't slept together yet and I'm a virgin), he's going to have to "teach" me things since I have no experience, he's going to need me to "teach" him things about being in a serious relationship since he has no experience with them.

I thought he was being really genuine about everything to be honest, but I was wondering what others think.

June 23, 2014

Hey guys, I thought I'd just update this thread with what happened.

I talked to him. At first he got really defensive, but quickly calmed down (he has a bit of a temper). He told me he's never really been in a long-term, serious relationship and that he's not used to them and how they work. His longest relationship has been 6 months, and that was years ago. He says even in that relationship, he only saw the girl 1x a week and it was casual, that he didn't feel the "bond" he feels with me, so he's willing to change things to make me happy now that he knows I'm not happy.

He said he's trying to learn how serious relationships work, that this is new to him, and that him not making an effort to see me more than 1x week was not intentional due to him not wanting to see me, but just due to him genuinely thinking 1x a week is sufficient since that's what he's always done. I told him I don't expect him to spend countless hours with me, but that a quick dinner or something during the week maybe 1 or 2x, plus our usual weekend date would be sufficient. He said he is having a hard time adjusting to his work schedule, and he's very tired all the time, and that he's not good about the little things (like regular phone calls etc). But that he has no issue with this, would love to see me during the week, and will arrange to see me more during the week, and will call me more regularly.

He said that we need to talk to one another about these issues, and that much like when our relationship gets to a physical level (we haven't slept together yet and I'm a virgin), he's going to have to "teach" me things since I have no experience, he's going to need me to "teach" him things about being in a serious relationship since he has no experience with them.

I thought he was being really genuine about everything to be honest, but I was wondering what others think.

Supposing that he is being sincere (no reason to think he is not) it sounds like you have yourself a pretty good guy. A little worried about the temper thing. But, you did say he calmed down right away.

I have to say that sometimes it is hard when you are a guy and really like a woman. We don't want to seem too distant. Nor, would most women want a guy who is too clingy. It can tend to cause a little doubt as to figuring out the best way to proceed.

My initial instinct is to want to spend time as much time as possible with a woman who I am interested in. This also includes talking on the phone, too. Though, this trend has caused some women to say that I am being too intense.

Which then caused me to reflect on things. Not that I am going to completely change. But, I am aware of my own imperfections and am always trying to be a better person. So, with the next woman I was interested in, I came out right away and told her that I had been accused in the past of being too intense. But, she had no signs of that because of being the exact same way!

The point of this is that relationships are a constant course of learning. You just have to be open and honest. Then, you both will hopefully continue to find the path that works the best for you.

June 23, 2014

Hey guys, I thought I'd just update this thread with what happened.

I talked to him. At first he got really defensive, but quickly calmed down (he has a bit of a temper). He told me he's never really been in a long-term, serious relationship and that he's not used to them and how they work. His longest relationship has been 6 months, and that was years ago. He says even in that relationship, he only saw the girl 1x a week and it was casual, that he didn't feel the "bond" he feels with me, so he's willing to change things to make me happy now that he knows I'm not happy.

He said he's trying to learn how serious relationships work, that this is new to him, and that him not making an effort to see me more than 1x week was not intentional due to him not wanting to see me, but just due to him genuinely thinking 1x a week is sufficient since that's what he's always done. I told him I don't expect him to spend countless hours with me, but that a quick dinner or something during the week maybe 1 or 2x, plus our usual weekend date would be sufficient. He said he is having a hard time adjusting to his work schedule, and he's very tired all the time, and that he's not good about the little things (like regular phone calls etc). But that he has no issue with this, would love to see me during the week, and will arrange to see me more during the week, and will call me more regularly.

He said that we need to talk to one another about these issues, and that much like when our relationship gets to a physical level (we haven't slept together yet and I'm a virgin), he's going to have to "teach" me things since I have no experience, he's going to need me to "teach" him things about being in a serious relationship since he has no experience with them.

I thought he was being really genuine about everything to be honest, but I was wondering what others think.

It sounds like a good conversation.

I was wondering while reading this if there was any sexual activity in the R. Most guys wouldn't be content with sex just once a week and especially in the beginning.

Are you waiting for marriage? You said he's not a virgin but you are. He's quite okay with no sexual activity?

Besides that, as I said, it sounds like the convo went smoothly. Now see if he backs up his words with his actions.

June 23, 2014

Doesn't sound like the guy is interested in a serious relationship, I think the "I've never been in a serious relationship before so I don't know" is a pretty comical excuse looking at things from a man's point of view...because if the guy is into you he's going to want to see you as often as he can, especially if he's only seeing you once a week, that means booty only once a week too.

Guy isn't that interested in you, in fact he might be seeing other women with his available time...2-3 weeks home alone and he doesn't invite you over, just once? c'mon now I doubt the guy was playing with himself the entire time unless he's a real loser or was gaming it up with his buddies, either way very low interest and wouldn't be a relationship I'd stay in if i were you...I mean this is the first 4 months for crying out loud, that's just bad all around IMO, he doesn't simply want to see you that often...that's painfully clear.

I'd move on if I were you, I wouldn't even give the guy an excuse or some ultimatum, I wish women didn't have to fight for everything and give everything a chance..because this is one you should walk away from without blinking an eye.

June 23, 2014

Slow fade. Girl did this to me once, and I did this to a girl once.

Put your guard up. You ranked low on the priority list, it's always a sign. People may deny it, but...

June 23, 2014

He said he's trying to learn how serious relationships work, that this is new to him, and that him not making an effort to see me more than 1x week was not intentional due to him not wanting to see me, but just due to him genuinely thinking 1x a week is sufficient since that's what he's always done..

That has no relevance and doesn't make for a good excuse as to why he's been seeing you once a week. When someone wants to see you and is emotionally driven when in a relationship with you, the excuse "I'm not sure how to behave in a serious relationship" is the biggest copout I've ever heard.

You don't have to have experience because when you want to see someone and you are motivated by your connection with them, you instinctively invest time, take steps to forward progression and make the effort to be around you -- because they want to and not because they don't know what the contact rules are when having a relationship.

I'm sorry, OP. You are not on his priority list.

June 23, 2014

Hey guys, I thought I'd just update this thread with what happened.

I talked to him. At first he got really defensive, but quickly calmed down (he has a bit of a temper). He told me he's never really been in a long-term, serious relationship and that he's not used to them and how they work. His longest relationship has been 6 months, and that was years ago. He says even in that relationship, he only saw the girl 1x a week and it was casual, that he didn't feel the "bond" he feels with me, so he's willing to change things to make me happy now that he knows I'm not happy.

He said he's trying to learn how serious relationships work, that this is new to him, and that him not making an effort to see me more than 1x week was not intentional due to him not wanting to see me, but just due to him genuinely thinking 1x a week is sufficient since that's what he's always done. I told him I don't expect him to spend countless hours with me, but that a quick dinner or something during the week maybe 1 or 2x, plus our usual weekend date would be sufficient. He said he is having a hard time adjusting to his work schedule, and he's very tired all the time, and that he's not good about the little things (like regular phone calls etc). But that he has no issue with this, would love to see me during the week, and will arrange to see me more during the week, and will call me more regularly.

He said that we need to talk to one another about these issues, and that much like when our relationship gets to a physical level (we haven't slept together yet and I'm a virgin), he's going to have to "teach" me things since I have no experience, he's going to need me to "teach" him things about being in a serious relationship since he has no experience with them.

I thought he was being really genuine about everything to be honest, but I was wondering what others think.

I think this all sounds good!

Critique can make someone defensive but just keep an eye on his temper.

It's good that he just calmed down though - and tiredness can make people irritable. I would make a point to note when his temper flares up and what it's over.

The rest however sounds great, good communication and it sounds like you have a way forward.

I'm a busy person during a normal week also and a 25 minute trip for me during the week would be tough to keep up every single week. Some week's I can still be at work at 10pm at night instead of finishing at my usual time of 5.30pm and it can be pretty unpredictable sometimes.

As far as the learning how a relationship works..well..we see on here that people don't know how often to text/call/meet for another date all the time so yes, sounds like he is learning.

He is also at the age where he needs to make an impact with studies and work (same as you if you are career minded which I assume you are due to your studies) - that can all be tough stuff when you really are just growing up still and finding your path in life.

See how it pans out...you might have to give him a nudge about week nights in the beginning as when you're busy and tired a week can fly past before you know it.

June 23, 2014

It sounds like a good conversation.

I was wondering while reading this if there was any sexual activity in the R. Most guys wouldn't be content with sex just once a week and especially in the beginning.

Are you waiting for marriage? You said he's not a virgin but you are. He's quite okay with no sexual activity?

Besides that, as I said, it sounds like the convo went smoothly. Now see if he backs up his words with his actions.

No sexual activity yet, but no I am not waiting for marriage. I do at least want to feel like I'm going to lose my virginity to a quality person though. We've talked about this and the fact that I need a little more time before making that decision, but he knows that I am by no means waiting for or expecting marriage.

He has said that he is fine with waiting. I'm ok with this happening soon, but only if he follows through with his promises.

June 23, 2014

Doesn't sound like the guy is interested in a serious relationship, I think the "I've never been in a serious relationship before so I don't know" is a pretty comical excuse looking at things from a man's point of view...because if the guy is into you he's going to want to see you as often as he can, especially if he's only seeing you once a week, that means booty only once a week too.

Guy isn't that interested in you, in fact he might be seeing other women with his available time...2-3 weeks home alone and he doesn't invite you over, just once? c'mon now I doubt the guy was playing with himself the entire time unless he's a real loser or was gaming it up with his buddies, either way very low interest and wouldn't be a relationship I'd stay in if i were you...I mean this is the first 4 months for crying out loud, that's just bad all around IMO, he doesn't simply want to see you that often...that's painfully clear.

I'd move on if I were you, I wouldn't even give the guy an excuse or some ultimatum, I wish women didn't have to fight for everything and give everything a chance..because this is one you should walk away from without blinking an eye.

I know, the difficulty of believing his reasoning doesn't escape me at all. But the genuine look of bewilderment on his face when I told him that I expected more than 1x a week, and that most people also see one another more often - it seemed very genuine. Yes, it's odd. I also feel like it would and should come naturally if you're interested in someone and wnat to be around them.

According to him, he has never gone out on weeknight when he has work the next morning, and only sees friends or girlfriends on the weekend, and has never had a girl ask him for more than that either (presumably because neither perosn was taking the relationship seriously). But, he said he has no problem doing it now. I know he never sees his friends during the week, and I'm pretty confident he doesn't go out during the week. Now, I'm not saying I'm 1000000% sure, but it's often enough that he'll send me a photo or video text message relating to our conversation that pretty much verifies that he's actually at home.

I have to say that I'm very confident he's not seeing other women. His interest level however, I am not as confident about. I'm just oging to have to see if he actually follows through with his promise.

June 23, 2014

Slow fade. Girl did this to me once, and I did this to a girl once.

Put your guard up. You ranked low on the priority list, it's always a sign. People may deny it, but...

I don't think he's pulling the slow fade. He continues to arrange dates many days in advance, often asking me which day is most convenient for me before he makes plans with his friends.

He continues to text me daily, and I am now just waiting to see if he follows through with his promise.

June 23, 2014

That has no relevance and doesn't make for a good excuse as to why he's been seeing you once a week. When someone wants to see you and is emotionally driven when in a relationship with you, the excuse "I'm not sure how to behave in a serious relationship" is the biggest copout I've ever heard.

You don't have to have experience because when you want to see someone and you are motivated by your connection with them, you instinctively invest time, take steps to forward progression and make the effort to be around you -- because they want to and not because they don't know what the contact rules are when having a relationship.

I'm sorry, OP. You are not on his priority list.

I am conflicted because I sort of feel the same way. To me, being interested in someone = automatically wanting to talk to them, to be around them, etc. Nobody would have to ask me to make more time to see them, or to give them a phone call. The desire would be natural.

But maybe people are different? I'm not saying I'm convinced. But I'm willing to give it a few more weeks to see if he's going to change.

June 23, 2014

Maybe this is why he's never had a serious relationship lasting more than a couple of months. His girlfriends have got fed up with being confined to once a week.

June 23, 2014

My boyfriend lives four hours away.

Yet he made me first priority on his list. He ensured we saw each other every week from date one.

I didn't have to twist his arm and prompt him to see me.

His reasoning is bogus although he may mean it...it isn't true however. If he met a woman he fell hard enough for he would be driven to see her as much as possible.

June 23, 2014

My boyfriend lives four hours away.

Yet he made me first priority on his list. He ensured we saw each other every week from date one.

I didn't have to twist his arm and prompt him to see me.

His reasoning is bogus although he may mean it...it isn't true however. If he met a woman he fell hard enough for he would be driven to see her as much as possible.

We do see each other every weekend, either Friday or Saturday. There has never been a time when we haven't seen one another on the weekend. He always asks me which day is more convenient for me by Tues or Wednesday, and then he pretty much plans everything unless there is something I really want to do or somewhere I want to go.

I just want to see him MORE than that 1x a week, and have asked him. I'm just going to give it a shot and see if he comes through. If not, it's pretty obvious his interest isn't there and I'll go from there.

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It seems like he doesn't want to spend as much time with me, should I be concerned?

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