OwMyEyeball Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Easier said than done, but I need to start letting my rational mind steer the ship while the emotional side sits in the corner and sobs. Some simple questions to ask myself: How was your life going before you and her first met and started dating? Great! How was your life going after the first several months of the relationship? Pretty good! How was your life going during the final few months of the relationship? Not so great. How much did your actual life circumstances change in that period of time (i.e. job, income, housing, health, etc.)? Not much at all. I moved apartments once. I did catch a couple of colds and came down with a really nasty flu. Those set me back quite a bit. How much did your relationship contribute to your own personal self-improvement? Not all that much. It had an opposing effect. More because I allowed myself to 'let loose' and feed on the relationship. Were you progressing and doing well before you met? Yes, very much so. Were you satisfied with your life and its general direction? Yes. Do you recall what actions you were taking to gain that direction? Yes. Can you repeat those actions? Yes. Did you learn anything from the relationship that you can apply to future ones? Yes. Does reflecting deeply on the relationship continue to offer insight? No. At this point it's likely to lead to negative self-thought, which cascades into an emotional ****-storm. Can you control your thoughts? For the most part, when I'm conscious about them. Can you stop thinking extensively about her? Yes Can you stop her from entering your mind? No, but I can either think positively or transition my thoughts to something else whenever I am reminded of her. I still feel a pang of sadness, guilt, anger, jealousy or anxiety. But if I stop myself from ruminating the pang doesn't grow into intense suffering. Can you take actions to limit the frequency she enters your mind? Yes. No Contact rules apply well here. Since the breakup 3 weeks ago, have you felt yourself becoming generally more or less miserable. Less with each passing week. A bit of a roller coaster, but the highs and lows are squeezing tighter together. Will you date again? Yes, but not until I'm fully recovered. There's plenty else I can do in the meantime to get myself to where I was last year. Have you had instances when you thought "she was the one", went through heartache, then found someone even better? Yes Any reason that won't hold true in this instance? Nope There. I needed to let that all out. It's clear. It makes sense. I need to move on. I will make a full recovery. Wherever she's at in her life is entirely out of my responsibility. Any guess will be a projection of how I'm feeling at any given time, which will just exacerbate that feeling. Let her go. 6
PachucaSunrise Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 This is such a great post. Something we can all benefit from. Thanks for sharing! How was your life going before you and her first met and started dating? Great! Were you progressing and doing well before you met? Yes, very much so. Were you satisfied with your life and its general direction? Yes. Do you recall what actions you were taking to gain that direction? Yes. Can you repeat those actions? Yes. Did you learn anything from the relationship that you can apply to future ones? Yes. Can you control your thoughts? For the most part, when I'm conscious about them. Excellent, excellent questions you have asked yourself! And now I have asked myself the same ones, answering each just as you have. Life was good before, and it can most certainly be good again, even though things are different. We are responsible for our own happiness, and NO ONE can take that away from us without our permission. While it's true that someone can ADD happiness and other life-enriching aspects to our lives, we also have to be truly happy from within to not only accept that happiness, but to have the ability to be happy and fulfilled while standing on our own two feet. WE have the power to decide if tomorrow is going to be a S$itstorm or a really awesome day - it's all about perspective. JUST knowing that you have learned from this experience is terrific! And realizing that you can apply what you have learned to future relationships is even better! You're TOTALLY on the right track. Good for you! And yes, we ALL have the ability to control our thoughts, whether we want to believe it or not. Cognition and perspective are two incredibly amazing things! Can you stop her from entering your mind? No, but I can either think positively or transition my thoughts to something else whenever I am reminded of her. I still feel a pang of sadness, guilt, anger, jealousy or anxiety. But if I stop myself from ruminating the pang doesn't grow into intense suffering. THIS! This right here is just awesome! I couldn't have said it any better. I need to remind myself of this as well, so thank you for that. Since the breakup 3 weeks ago, have you felt yourself becoming generally more or less miserable. Less with each passing week. A bit of a roller coaster, but the highs and lows are squeezing tighter together. I'm RIGHT there with you, buddy. The healing process is in full effect. Will you date again? Yes, but not until I'm fully recovered. There's plenty else I can do in the meantime to get myself to where I was last year. EXACTLY. Again, I'm right there with you on this. It's a really tough call, but I think we'll just 'know' when the time is right. Plus, taking some time out to reflect on things (NOT ruminate), and digest the reality of everything will only be helpful in the long run. There's no point in dating when you're not ready. That only messes you up even more, as well as the person you're dating. Once your head is back on straight, you're going to have even more to offer that special someone, without all the extra baggage. It's the most respectful thing to do, for yourself, AND for others. Let her go. Indeed. I'm not quite there just yet, but I'm on my way. It sounds like you are as well. I wish you all the best! 1
Mondmellonw Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 How was your life going before you and her first met and started dating? It was one of the best times of my life. How was your life going after the first several months of the relationship? Great. How was your life going during the final few months of the relationship? Badly, I guess. How much did your actual life circumstances change in that period of time (i.e. job, income, housing, health, etc.)? I started to feel stressed out all the time. How much did your relationship contribute to your own personal self-improvement? I gotta admit I had the chance to grow a lot from this, to get to know myself better. And I did many things because that person gave me some inspiration. When things went down the toilet, I persevered on those things. Were you progressing and doing well before you met? A lot. Were you satisfied with your life and its general direction? Very much. Do you recall what actions you were taking to gain that direction? Yes. Can you repeat those actions? I think I can, but I need to fully get over it before I can apply them with all my soul, like before. Did you learn anything from the relationship that you can apply to future ones? Definitely. Does reflecting deeply on the relationship continue to offer insight? Not really, I am on the "I hate how you guilt-tripped me all the stupid time and I allowed it like an idiot" phase. So it's mostly me, not being able to let go of my own part, I think... Can you control your thoughts? Yes. Can you stop thinking extensively about her? In this case it's a him. And yes. Can you stop her from entering your mind? Not quite there yet. Can you take actions to limit the frequency she enters your mind? Yes. Since the breakup have you felt yourself becoming generally more or less miserable. Less. Will you date again? Yep Have you had instances when you thought "she was the one", went through heartache, then found someone even better? No. He was the first "one". But I was wrong. Any reason that won't hold true in this instance? Not at all.
Nimbus4dt Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 How was your life going before you and her first met and started dating? It was great. How was your life going after the first several months of the relationship? Amazing How was your life going during the final few months of the relationship? Horrendous How much did your actual life circumstances change in that period of time (i.e. job, income, housing, health, etc.)? Felt used, unloved, uncared for, worried, hurt. How much did your relationship contribute to your own personal self-improvement? At the start, I thought life couldn't get any better, towards the end, it couldn't get any worse (although I suspect it was the same for both) Were you progressing and doing well before you met? Yes Were you satisfied with your life and its general direction? Very much. Do you recall what actions you were taking to gain that direction? Yes. Can you repeat those actions? I think I can, but I need to fully get over it before I can apply them and not there yet. Did you learn anything from the relationship that you can apply to future ones? Yes, I hope so. Does reflecting deeply on the relationship continue to offer insight? It did and still does to a point, it enables me to see my errors within the relationship, it also shows me that the person i was involved with was not so involved with me. Can you control your thoughts? Unfortunately not completely yet. Can you stop thinking extensively about her? No, although slightly less than i did. Can you stop her from entering your mind? No, I cannot, still feel there is unfinished business. Can you take actions to limit the frequency she enters your mind? I try, NC 47 days but she's still under my skin. Since the breakup have you felt yourself becoming generally more or less miserable. good days and truly terrible days Will you date again? One day, but not for a long time, no desire to currently as wouldn't be fair on the "other" Have you had instances when you thought "she was the one", went through heartache, then found someone even better? No. I still maintain she is the one, just a stupid set of circumstances resulted in the demise. Any reason that won't hold true in this instance? Time will tell I am aware I still need to let go, am in denial, in effect. She's moved on so why shouldn't I? Maybe its a case of trying to understand the reasons why. It's in my nature to try and understand.
Lifegoezon Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 Excellent post. Thank you. We should all ask ourselves these questions. Really does put things into perspective. 1
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