tink_10050 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I've been dating a man for about three months and I'm really confused. We are both mature adults and have children in college. If it helps, I'm a Sagittarius. I'm crazy for this guy and don't want to mess it up. We met through a dating website and have a big attraction for each other. We started a physical relationship on our third/fourth date. At that time he said he had no idea where our relationship would go and I told him there is no way to really know and that we would just enjoy it and see what happens. We see each other on the weekends and once in a while during the week. We both work really hard and live kind of far apart. He doesn't call or text much, just to set up our plans for the weekend. The physical part of this is overwhelming. Last time I saw him he made a couple comments about me just using him for sex. Which I made a joke about. Then he said he thought I was going to need more than FWB. I was really upset because I didn't know if that is what he wants or what. And, of course I didn't ask him because I was afraid of what he would say and didn't want to show my emotions in front of him. I just wanted to "run away" in true Sagittarius fashion. After I came home and thought about it, I decided that I should tell him how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. It took me 6 days and I had to do it via text instead of face to face because he left town. He thanked me for being honest and said he would be in touch with me in a very nice message. Well it's been a week and I haven't heard from him. I'm hoping that he is just busy on his trip. Can anyone shed some clarity on this for me. I feel like he is pushing, pushing for something from me as far as our relationship goes. This whole thing scares me and I don't like to admit to my feelings. What is going on with him?
ExpatInItaly Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 It seems to me as though he wants a FWB arrangement, and is afraid you want more than that. What did you say in your last text message to him? 1
Author tink_10050 Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I told him that I don't think of him as friends with benefits. I think of him as my lover and I don't want to think about him with other women. If he wants to be FWB then why is he giving me a hard time about it.
Gaeta Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 We see each other on the weekends and once in a while during the week. We both work really hard and live kind of far apart. He doesn't call or text much, just to set up our plans for the weekend. Sounds like you had a FWB situation. He just let you beleive you were in a relationship. And, of course I didn't ask him because I was afraid of what he would say and didn't want to show my emotions in front of him. I just wanted to "run away" in true Sagittarius fashion. If you have children in college then you are old enough to speak up about your feelings. If he runs then he runs, better now than later. After I came home and thought about it, I decided that I should tell him how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. It took me 6 days and I had to do it via text instead of face to face because he left town. Well it's been a week and I haven't heard from him. I'm hoping that he is just busy on his trip. Can anyone shed some clarity on this for me. I feel like he is pushing, pushing for something from me as far as our relationship goes. This whole thing scares me and I don't like to admit to my feelings. It took you 6 days to send him a message explaining yourself, he is also allowed to 6 days right? Don't be afraid to admit your feelings and expressing what you want, that way you will filter the flakes much faster. Don't censure yourself, at some point we have to stop being afraid of our feelings, wants and needs.
firmness Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I am experiencing something very similar - eerily similar in fact. Forgive the threadjack, but this might help. I met her online as you did - about 5 months ago. As we got closer and things became more intense, I sensed her simultaneously intensifying and pulling back. So I hinted to her that I needed a minimum amount of effort and attention. Good communication demands this, right? Long story short, I broke up with her about 3 weeks ago, because it felt like a FWB thing and that is not what I got into this for. A few days later we got back together. She set up a few boundaries - very nicely and appropriately. She said she needs things to be "light and easy" right now. I agreed. So I settled into what is essentially an exclusive FWB relationship. I had to completely reset the way I looked at the relationship or else let it go. So I have stopped talking about the future. No talk about bringing my kids around her (she met them twice and it was great). And I just think about the here and now. And it is awesome. Light and easy. She was right. She can talk to whomever she likes, she can spend her time as she sees fit. And as long as she does not have sex with anyone else, we are good. Before I met her I had a great social life and so I will just keep going with that. I have plenty of work to keep me busy, and plenty of leisure time to relax. The more I focus on what I DO have with her, the less I waste time thinking about what else I want. I will never get all of my needs met by any woman. So that is just something we all have to deal with. In the meantime I have an awesome woman who is crazy about me, and me about her. Everything that could be amazing is exactly that. The downside is that when and if she finally does decide to get more serious, I am not likely going to go forward with her. I had to sort of let that go. Once it is gone for me, it is gone. So it is awesome for now, and I will continue as long as it lasts. But letting go of the future is a huge thing - not easy, but well worth the mental energy. It is liberating actually.
angel.eyes Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 If he wants to be FWB then why is he giving me a hard time about it. By putting you on the defensive, he's making it less likely that you will ask for what you really want. He's playing games. You're getting emotionally invested. From his comments, he seems to have no intention of doing the same. I'm curious. Why did you "discuss" this via text? Why not face-to-face? It's better to have discussions like this in person. 1
Author tink_10050 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 At first I thought he was kidding me but then he kept it up. After mulling it over I decided that he was feeling hurt. He seemed downright upset about it. So I didn't want to wait until he got back into town to talk about it. It's true, I had 6 days to think about it and so should he. This just really sucks. When I see him again he will tell me and if he doesn't want it then I will have to leave him. I wish he hadn't done this, things were just perfect the way they were.
Author tink_10050 Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 Firmness, maybe your lady just needs time. It sounds kind of like what I wanted as well. Accept when I told him I didn't realize that I was saying FWB. To me it was just lets see if it works out or not. Even after three months I'm nervous that there could be a scarey stinky waiting somewhere in the closet that I don't know about. The intensity is really overwhelming, I can't explain it. It's hard to think clearly when I'm so whipped.
Author tink_10050 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I've just heard this term and I think the guy I'm dating may be using this on me.
Elle1975 Posted June 18, 2014 Posted June 18, 2014 I've been dating a man for about three months and I'm really confused. We are both mature adults and have children in college. If it helps, I'm a Sagittarius. I'm crazy for this guy and don't want to mess it up. We met through a dating website and have a big attraction for each other. We started a physical relationship on our third/fourth date. At that time he said he had no idea where our relationship would go and I told him there is no way to really know and that we would just enjoy it and see what happens. We see each other on the weekends and once in a while during the week. We both work really hard and live kind of far apart. He doesn't call or text much, just to set up our plans for the weekend. The physical part of this is overwhelming. Last time I saw him he made a couple comments about me just using him for sex. Which I made a joke about. Then he said he thought I was going to need more than FWB. I was really upset because I didn't know if that is what he wants or what. And, of course I didn't ask him because I was afraid of what he would say and didn't want to show my emotions in front of him. I just wanted to "run away" in true Sagittarius fashion. After I came home and thought about it, I decided that I should tell him how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. It took me 6 days and I had to do it via text instead of face to face because he left town. He thanked me for being honest and said he would be in touch with me in a very nice message. Well it's been a week and I haven't heard from him. I'm hoping that he is just busy on his trip. Can anyone shed some clarity on this for me. I feel like he is pushing, pushing for something from me as far as our relationship goes. This whole thing scares me and I don't like to admit to my feelings. What is going on with him? A man, or a woman, who tells you "we're fine, why complicate things" or "We'll see where this is going" is full of it. You should have stated upfront what you were looking for. It doesn't mean that it will happen with that specific guy, you're just putting your cards on the table. So you dropped the bomb, and he's disappeared.. I'd leave it alone and consider myself single.
Author tink_10050 Posted June 18, 2014 Author Posted June 18, 2014 I have heard from him again. He says we have a lot to talk about.... But I'm really wondering what Slut Shaming means....
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