Oh so alone

[SuziQ]

As I sit here relaxing & healing from my surgery on this beautiful, sunny Sunday afternoon, the musical version of “Wonderful Tonight” comes on the radio. All I can do is think about him….I adore him, I love him, every part of my life involves him…..I so wish we could have a life together. It’s the first song we ever danced to…the tears just won’t stop flowing. I am back there, on that amazing night when life was still good and I was happy…..I can see the view, re-experience every part of that moment, especially how it felt to be held in his arms….warm, safe, loved…….. Except, now he’s gone. He doesn’t want to see or talk to me. All because of a mistake I made; however small. There’s no understanding, no phone call, no forgiveness. Did he ever really care?

 

And, then there’s the other (my ex-husband)…..why do I still think of him? The same dance floor, a different time, fancy, not casual. He knew every part of me, told me it was forever, & betrayed me anyway. Many mornings when I wake I still want that first cup of coffee that he would bring me each & every day of our life together. But, His agenda always had to come before mine, there was no room for my dreams. So, why the thoughts?

 

Is it so wrong for me to want to be loved? I am so absolutely lonely. I don’t know what to do. I cannot think, work, function, dream, ……just nothing. There is nothing but emptiness & regret. I’m free. I’m bright. I’m pretty. I’m talented. So, why can’t I pursue my dreams? I’m frozen in time…..no vision. All I can think about is that I need someone; just one soul in this entire world; to care about me. Someone who would notice & care if I weren’t here…..but there is no one, only loneliness.

 

I do not know how to fix this or push through my feelings. Can anyone help me?

[ProcessingThisBU]

I can feel you sadness. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. I feel alone too. She's with another guy. I can only say we are here for you. I'm sure you are a beatiful talented girl who's strength is been tested. You're not alone, we're here.

[firmness]

Wow SuzQ. You sound like I felt for about two years from 2-4 years ago. Very very dark depressing and sad.

 

I was in deep ****e in my own mind - regrets. Big regrets. Still have them. But I found my way through it all. Here are some things I did to move forward:

 

1. I made a concerted effort to socialize more. I have a fairly high profile career and speak in front of people all the time, so meeting people comes easy.

 

2. Making true friends is another story altogether. Still I found a few and reconnected with a few old ones. Best move ever. I will never let that go again. We need a network of support. Get one if you do not already have one.

 

3. I disconnected from many of my relatives. They are like emotional leeches. They can suck the life out of the happiest situations. They will also ignore you when you are in pain. That is not family, they are relatives. Learn the difference and act accordingly.

 

4. We all have work to do. Goals, tasks, details, projects, whatever. Get busy on those. Work is a great tonic for me. It gives me something to focus on other than my pain.

 

5. Get out and meet new people. I went on a few date on OKCupid and it was pretty interesting. All but two dates were a bust. I did not sleep with any of them except for the woman I am seeing now. So that old saying "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone" is silly and dangerous.

 

6. I spent time wallowing in my depression. That's right. I said it. I listened to those old songs over and over. In fact I am listening to (coincidentally) one of the songs that hits me in the feels the hardest. I started drinking more, and even smoked a few joints. Sue me.

 

7. I also started exercising more and going to the gym. Not to look better, but to FEEL better. Exercise is the best drug of all and has many rewards beyond the current subject.

 

8. Finally, I started focusing on the present. I have heard it a million times but never got it. When I thought about the past I got depressed. When I thought about the future I got anxious/worried. So I stopped doing both. It is easier than you think. You just sort of "Change the channel". Try it.

 

Putting this all together, I had to ride the waves of feelings and deal with each thing as it came.

 

I started reading your post and tears rolled down my cheek. It touched a nerve that is still a bit raw for me. If you met me you would see this hard ass former military guy with two Ivy League degrees and I bet you would never in a million years see me as a person who would struggle like this. I am a human being though, just like you. And I have feelings too, just like you. And I need love, just like you.

 

I ache for you a bit and would not wish those feelings on my worst enemy (well okay, maybe that jerk deserves it, but no one else!).

 

Be well. Good luck. Ride the waves. Change the channel and get your ass up and DO something.

[LovemySons]

I'm so very sorry you're feeling lonely :'( I know it's not the same as a husband or SO, but do you have friends that you can talk to face-to-face? Have you seen a therapist to help you work through your feelings? I think both of these things would be really helpful. You need some caring people in your life. Obviously, we care, but it's hard to convey that well on a computer screen! Praying you find peace and comfort.

[SuziQ]

Thank you to everyone who replied to my thread! Your support has done wonders for my attitude. But, special thanks to firmness.....I think we must be very similar personality types, even though you are male & I am female and I've never been structured enough to serve in the military! Thank you for your service! But, your advice was spot on....I've actually printed it and pinned it on the bulletin board above my desk (I home office for my career) so that I have focus as I'm planning my calendar on these tough days.

 

Well, the other part of my story is that I was married to my ex-husband for 21 years and we dated for almost 3 years before that, so it was a lengthy relationship. Today would have been our 25th wedding anniversary. His motto was "Make someone's day by doing something special for them first thing every morning". I love coffee, so this man would prepare & bring me my first cup of coffee each day....no matter what. It was really hard remembering this as I made my coffee this morning. Because although he has many issues & our relationship had its' problems, there were still many things that were awesome. The downside is that after we separated, I found out that he has a daughter with another woman....the baby was born about 2 years after we got married.He lives with that woman now and is very close to that daughter and her baby son. He is very disconnected from the daughter that he and I share together and he gets very upset if he finds that she talks to me. It's like she has to choose him or me....he can't seem to let her have a relationship with both of her parents.

 

The man that I've been recently dating that I mentioned first in my post is still not really talking to me. We texted a bit yesterday, I do feel badly about the mistake I made. I did apologize and told him that I was wrong/some of the things I said were said in anger, but his response was that "You have proven you will never believe in me or trust me. I can't live my life like that". I do truly love him. I don't know if our relationship can be fixed.

 

I don't intend to be untrusting and don't even realize that I do it. I had no idea that was how I was making him feel. My only thought is that I've become that way because I was so betrayed in my marriage. I didn't find out about the affair or the child until a year and a half after we were separated & struggling through the divorce (it was a 3 year battle). AND, it was the woman's husband (yes, she married after she had the daughter with my husband; they were married for 17 years when he finally caught her having the affair with my husband) who called me one day out of the blue (I didn't know him, he searched for me & found me) to tell me they were having an affair, that it started back when they were in high school, has been on again, off again for years, and they have a daughter.

 

So, I need to first get through today. On the upside, I have many work responsibilities today & doing those well will make the day worthwhile. I am trying to use the anniversary to remember the good times that we shared without letting the feeling of the loss consume me. I really want to reach out to my boyfriend to continue trying to repair our relationship, but I'm not sure that's the right thing to do. Maybe I just can't give him what he needs. How do I trust & prove it to him? And, if not with him, with anyone?

 

Will this mistrusting part of me linger forever so that I will always be alone?

[SuziQ]

Good afternoon! It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Wisconsin....we finally have summer!

 

I have an update to my situation & really need some male advice!! My boyfriend is back in my life & I'm not really sure how it exactly happened. As I had mentioned in my previous posts, we were texting a bit....a bit got to a phone call or two and now a few weeks later, it's as if nothing ever happened or was wrong. He has never brought up the issue that started the big argument & neither have I. That's scary to me because I don't want an explosion again.

 

Also, we've been intimate again, however, he holds back from saying "I Love You". I know he's very commitment-phobic - - He says he never wants to marry again -- I would like to marry again someday.....

 

So, what do I do? Do I bring up the previous argument to bring clear resolution or just forget it? Do I ask why he can't/won't say he loves me? Do I end this relationship because he says he will never marry me??

 

Thanks in advance for your advice!!

[SuziQ]

Ok....one additional update! So, we have spent the holiday weekend together. I'm not sure what to do. We've been dating for three and a half years and this has NEVER happened before. He's been divorced for 8 years. He called me his ex-wife's name!! I am floored. I really do think that he's still hooked on her, even though everytime I have asked about that, he denies it. I think she really hurt him. The combination of his remaining feelings for her and fear of being hurt again may be the reason that he can't commit to me.

 

I really want a long-term permanent relationship....maybe even marriage. What do I do??

[SuziQ]

As I look back on the updates I posted to this thread over the past few months, I realize that it was a mistake to try to give this relationship another chance. I now truly believe that, although I do care for Ron, it will never work. The obstacles are too great and I think it's because our long-term relationship goals are not in alignment.

 

I think it's possible to love someone, but that's not enough for a long-term relationship to work out. Both individuals have to have similar goals for the relationship and it needs to meet/exceed BOTH persons desires.

 

In my case, the relationship is enough for him, but I want a commitment. He's unwilling to commit.

 

Although it will be incredibly difficult for me, the NC with this man must start for me today and be unwaivering. I can't let my love for him pull me back into a relationship that can't provide me with what I want. Any advice that anyone can share would be appreciated!!

[Frank2thepoint]

Hi SuziQ. Reading your thread is like a timewarp for me. Back in June and July I was riding high as a kite, having strong feelings grow for a wonderful woman. Now I am sad and hurt that my relationship has ended very recently. Although the length of my relationship was just a drop in the bucket compared to your marriage and subsequent relationship, I can relate to your feelings. I miss her very much, and think back to how magical our relationship was. Firmness made a very good list for digging yourself out of sadness over the loss of a relationship.

 

Concerning your recent post, you should not waste your time on someone that does not want to commit or build a future. He is holding onto his past very tightly and will probably never let go. You want something that he cannot provide. You communicated this to him, you were patient, you struggled, all for naught. My advice is to follow your own advice, and don't get sucked back into the relationship. If that means going "no contact" for you, then do so.

[Haerts]

Do you want somebody to love you? Do yourself a favor: love yourself. Everything else will come then. It's alright that sometimes you have bad days, and you want to go through your best memories with someone every now and then. It's okay to feel lonely too. But you need to feel good on your own if you want someone to come and love you, else you'll deposit every inch of neediness on a new someone and I don't even have to say how that will end, right?

[SuziQ]

Well, I have a shocking update! It's been almost a month and I have done quite well handling the NC and moving on with my life. At the time that NC started, I officially broke off the relationship with my boyfriend and fully explained it's because I am eventually wanting to marry again and that I realize that's not something he wants. I have even done some socializing with friends and really enjoyed the time back out in the world of single people!

 

My ex-boyfriend contacted me today. He wanted to see me to discuss our relationship. I conceded and met with him (I know, I broke the rules....but I do still care about him). Over our time apart, he said he's had a lot of time to think about my desire to marry in the future and why he's so anti-marriage. His previous marriage was 16 years. He explained that the first 8 were very good and the last 8 were very bad and he finally shared with me the reason for their split -- - his ex-wife had a severe drinking problem. Because the last 8 years were so bad, he had decided he never wanted to marry again. He said when he realized why marriage was so important to me, it made him take a second look at his previous marriage and he remembered how wonderful the first 8 years were.

 

He has now told me that he could see us possibly marrying in the future as his previous disdain for marriage was only caused by those 8 bad years. He says he wants to work on our relationship and can give me the commitment I need.

 

I'm so not sure what to do. I feel like he realizes that the only way he can have me in his life is to marry me.......like I gave him an ultimatum. That really wasn't the case. I don't want someone to marry me just so they don't lose me.

 

Should I give this another chance??

[SuziQ]

I'm still really struggling with this. Does anyone have any advice for me??