Some People Need a Little Push to Date a Person

[Tim22]

I think that some folks legitimately need a little push to go out with someone. I feel that the advice on these boards is terribly generalized.

 

What I mean is that often times when a guy asks a woman out and she turns him down the general consensus advice is to just leave her alone and forget about her. Persistence is generally frowned upon.

 

However if my uncle blindly took the advice here he would never be married today to the love of his life.

 

A little background to his story is that he met this woman over 20 years ago. At first she initially said no to him when he asked her out. Well he was not the type to take no for an answer. That doesn't mean he went stalker crazy but he did back off a little and keep going back to talk to her.

 

Anyway to make a long story short it took him asking her out 5 times over a 6 month period before she finally said yes. On the 5th time it wasn't even asking. He just told her "We're going out tonight to this place and I'm picking you up at x time".

 

He made dinner reservations already before telling her. Obviously he saw something in her that desired to go out with him even though her lips said no.

 

When it came time to get married she swore up and down she would not marry. Well one day he went and bought and ring and told her we are getting married.

 

Well to this day they are happily married.

 

Now I know some will say this story is merely an exception to the rules and that most of the time that kind of persistence doesn't pay off. Okay but fortunately my uncle was in the small percentage where ignoring the mainstream advice of walking away after the 1st asking out seemed to have worked in his favor.

 

Some folks legitimately do need a little push to give someone a chance at a date just like some need a little push to go to college or exercise regularly.

 

I feel I can identify with my uncle's wife in that I probably need a little push with dating. If a woman asks me out the first time I would probably say no but if she was persistent and kept coming back I might have some motivation to reconsider if for no other reason than the fact that her persistence is kind of sexy.

[preraph]

Why would you want to go out with someone who already knows they do not want to go out with you? That's crazy. Date someone who wants to! Women aren't dumb children that you have to talk into things! How insulting.

[todreaminblue]

Why would you want to go out with someone who already knows they do not want to go out with you? That's crazy. Date someone who wants to! Women aren't dumb children that you have to talk into things! How insulting.

 

 

 

as a soldier an a woman i say perseverance and fortitude are not insulting at all......but admirable.....because i can put up a hell of a fight and i am the one to say no, not the child in me......if a guy persists and i say yes eventually that guy is obviously got a strength in character....i am the last battle front..proud to be...because i deserve better than apathy....i only date guys with guts ones that dont pussy out and give up..they are keepers for life and i dont dump them i would marry one because again not a coward when things get tough and leave everything up to me but stands beside better or worse and it often gets worse in the world today....every woman needs a man with guts.......and i am feminine....when i trust that guys intentions.....ill be loyal until i cant be anymore.......like death....and then ill meet him on the other side faithful to the core.....because i am going first no arguments.....i just know i will

Edited June 14, 2014 by todreaminblue

[Potz4prez]

Dating has changed. Everyone has more options.

 

If a guy asked a girl out 5 times in a row, she'd probably block his number.

[todreaminblue]

Dating has changed. Everyone has more options.

 

If a guy asked a girl out 5 times in a row, she'd probably block his number.

 

 

only if deep down i didnt like him even then i would ask him to stop calling me if i wasnt interested in him on some level ...i have never had to block a guys number...delete yeah...soldier in me gets listened to not all women cry harrassment at a few phone calls or even a dozen...deb

[Tim22]

Why would you want to go out with someone who already knows they do not want to go out with you? That's crazy. Date someone who wants to! Women aren't dumb children that you have to talk into things! How insulting.

 

You obviously missed the whole point. I also wasn't just talking about women needing a little push. Men need a little push too like myself.

[Gaeta]

Depends what culture and continent you are from. I know a man who lived on 3 different continents and he explained this to me.

 

If you are on the African continent a woman will always start by saying no, the man expects many no before she finally says yes, that is how courting is on that continent.

 

If you then go to Europe women will also start by saying no but it's to have the man court her a little stronger, she will offer resistance but not as much as on the African continent, just enough resistance so the man puts in a little more efforts. She's playing hard to get. The men know this so don't stop at a first rejection.

 

Then you go on the American continent, here it's different, when a woman say no, it means no. It's not to have the man court her a little harder, it's because she really does not want this man to court her.

[todreaminblue]

Depends what culture and continent you are from. I know a man who lived on 3 different continents and he explained this to me.

 

If you are on the African continent a woman will always start by saying no, the man expects many no before she finally says yes, that is how courting is on that continent.

 

If you then go to Europe women will also start by saying no but it's to have the man court her a little stronger, she will offer resistance but not as much as on the African continent, just enough resistance so the man puts in a little more efforts. She's playing hard to get. The men know this so don't stop at a first rejection.

 

Then you go on the American continent, here it's different, when a woman say no, it means no. It's not to have the man court her a little harder, it's because she really does not want this man to court her.

 

 

true that .................

[somedude81]

Depends what culture and continent you are from. I know a man who lived on 3 different continents and he explained this to me.

 

If you are on the African continent a woman will always start by saying no, the man expects many no before she finally says yes, that is how courting is on that continent.

 

If you then go to Europe women will also start by saying no but it's to have the man court her a little stronger, she will offer resistance but not as much as on the African continent, just enough resistance so the man puts in a little more efforts. She's playing hard to get. The men know this so don't stop at a first rejection.

 

Then you go on the American continent, here it's different, when a woman say no, it means no. It's not to have the man court her a little harder, it's because she really does not want this man to court her.

So that means that women in Africa and Europe never mean no?

[J21]

Times have changed and so has the dating scenery. I don't think asking someone out 5 times is about persistence, after a certain point the guy is imposing his desire to go out with the woman on to her.

[todreaminblue]

So that means that women in Africa and Europe never mean no?

no it simply means possibly the case....its not crystal cut and could never be........... ...there are always variables due to personality and other factors that are to the nth degree and applicable or applying to individuality...so possibly with an nth degree involved....lol ...so in other words maybe or maybe not somedude.......

[Tim22]

Depends what culture and continent you are from. I know a man who lived on 3 different continents and he explained this to me.

 

If you are on the African continent a woman will always start by saying no, the man expects many no before she finally says yes, that is how courting is on that continent.

 

If you then go to Europe women will also start by saying no but it's to have the man court her a little stronger, she will offer resistance but not as much as on the African continent, just enough resistance so the man puts in a little more efforts. She's playing hard to get. The men know this so don't stop at a first rejection.

 

Then you go on the American continent, here it's different, when a woman say no, it means no. It's not to have the man court her a little harder, it's because she really does not want this man to court her.

 

 

 

The thing that makes America unique is the diversity of cultures here. There isn't one single culture here. There are people of various cultural persuasions that live in the US and are free to practice their own specific culture.

 

Besides it isn't just about culture but also about personality type. Some people are stubborn and set in their ways while others are open minded and may reconsider a decision about dating if a correct seed is planted. Some people are just more submissive by personality type and feel better letting others talk them into doing stuff. Not everyone is a stubborn personality type.

[Bozzy]

This is an interesting discussion, as I believe that with signals being so hard to pick up on sometimes, it can be hard to know if a person is saying no out of lack of interest or fear of getting hurt and therefore knowing whether they want you to go away or put up a little fight is tricky.

 

At the moment there is this woman I have seen a few times recently, after asking what she was looking for, she told me she isn't looking for a relationship at this stage in her life (I believe her) and wants to be friends, enjoys my company and keep things simple.(which is very open to interpretation) Anyway I gave her enough reason to think I want more now, which isn't the case, I would be open to a relationship down the track if things evolved that way, but for now I would have liked to keep what we had going. (anyway I messed it up a bit)

 

I've made it clear where I stand and have backed off, as it's out of my control now, but what if she did feel a bit more and is just scared of getting hurt (she has been in a few relationships) so rather than take the chance that things might evolve, she throws up a wall, maybe to see if I'll fight a little to keep her in my life or just walk away or maybe she is just flat out no longer interested.

 

You just don't know.

 

I'm still going to play the back off card, it is likely that we will see each other in day to day life, so I'll still talk to her, maybe down the track things will kick off again.

 

I'm not going to dwell on it though, it was a good thing while it lasted

[Bigcitydreamer]

My ex asked me out multiple times before I said yes. I met him at a party and he asked me if he could take me to dinner after we had talked for a bit. I told him no because he wasn't my type and I was moving soon. He kept asking that night, and again at a different spot and I eventually said yes. After a couple times of him asking I wondered why I was saying no so I decided to say yes if he asked me again. We went out for 3 years and it was my longest most serious relationship. What's funny is that my very initial gut feeling (saying no because I thought he was too country for me and we wouldn't have the same life goals) was definitely a major factor in our breakup.

 

So I think that persistence can be good. It can definitely get the girl in some cases. I can also see that it could be annoying and I definitely don't think every guy should ignore the rejection.

[umirano]

The thing that makes America unique is the diversity of cultures here.

 

Actually that's not true. Many European countries rank higher than the US in percentage of foreign born immigrants of the total population.

 

List of countries by foreign-born population - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

I agree with the sentiment of the post though.

[angel.eyes]

...I feel I can identify with my uncle's wife in that I probably need a little push with dating. If a woman asks me out the first time I would probably say no but if she was persistent and kept coming back I might have some motivation to reconsider if for no other reason than the fact that her persistence is kind of sexy.

Wait a minute... So you expect women to ask you out, not just once, but to go even further by giving you a "push" and asking you out AGAIN after you've turned them down? Was it your uncle's wife who asked him out multiple times?

 

How is this dating approach working for you, Tim?

[you_can_not_see_me]

I think it only works in some rare cases.

 

For it to work, the girl needs to be attracted to the guy. In some cases a girl might turn down a guy she is attracted to for a few reasons:

1. She might have other options, that are more continent for her at that point

2. the guy might have behaved in a way that turned her off before he asked her out

3. she might have been in a bad mood when he asked

 

^ since all three of those can change, it is possible for a girl in such a situation to change her mind.

 

BUT

 

I don't think a guy continuously asking the girl again and again is going to help. The guy will have better luck if he backs off while still remaining friendly with the girl and goes on with his life, asks other girls out and generally seems to enjoy his life.

If a guy is able to do the above, then its possible the girl will come around, Though probably at a point when the guy has totally moved on is dating another girl

 

Its hard to tell when a girl has the potential to come around and when she won't. But I feel a good indicator is when the girl continues to be drawn to the guy even after saying "no" the first time, i.e. she looks at him often in a crowd and hovers around him. Girls who are not interested and who will not change their minds will typically ignore and avoid a guy after rejecting him, or at the very best be indifferent.

 

either way best strategy is to move and approach other women. if she's attracted to you its more likely to make her come around to see you with other women, and if she isn't interested who cares you got another girl.

[you_can_not_see_me]

My ex asked me out multiple times before I said yes. I met him at a party and he asked me if he could take me to dinner after we had talked for a bit. I told him no because he wasn't my type and I was moving soon. He kept asking that night, and again at a different spot and I eventually said yes. After a couple times of him asking I wondered why I was saying no so I decided to say yes if he asked me again. We went out for 3 years and it was my longest most serious relationship. What's funny is that my very initial gut feeling (saying no because I thought he was too country for me and we wouldn't have the same life goals) was definitely a major factor in our breakup.

 

So I think that persistence can be good. It can definitely get the girl in some cases. I can also see that it could be annoying and I definitely don't think every guy should ignore the rejection.

how did you say no to him? and you were attracted to him physcially from the beginning right?

[Tim22]

Wait a minute... So you expect women to ask you out, not just once, but to go even further by giving you a "push" and asking you out AGAIN after you've turned them down? Was it your uncle's wife who asked him out multiple times?

 

How is this dating approach working for you, Tim?

 

 

No my uncle was the one who pursued her.

 

My dating approach to not pursue women at all keeps me from getting hurt. I haven't pursued women in 5 years. I am one of those guys who would say no to a woman not because of low interest but because of a fear of intimacy. It would take a woman being patient and persistent (not in a stalkerish) way for me to be convinced that she is the one I am meant to be with. Otherwise I can assume I am meant to be single. That's okay. Not everyone is meant for a relationship.

 

At this point in my life I am more dependent on supernatural forces from God to open doors for intimacy. If it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't. But one thing is for sure and that is I won't try to open any more doors of my own with a woman.

[Tim22]

There's a difference between pursuing someone in a confident emotionally controlled way and being gentle about it vs. pursuing out of desperation and being stalkerish. This is not a zero sum game. You don't have to be a stalker in order to pursue someone.

[angel.eyes]

Did you have a bad experience? Is that why you're afraid of intimacy and being hurt?

[Tim22]

Basically I don't consider myself worthy of attention from women. The worthless feeling is what is driving all of this.

[angel.eyes]

Why do you feel unworthy?

[jbelle6]

The thing that makes America unique is the diversity of cultures here. There isn't one single culture here. There are people of various cultural persuasions that live in the US and are free to practice their own specific culture.

 

Besides it isn't just about culture but also about personality type. Some people are stubborn and set in their ways while others are open minded and may reconsider a decision about dating if a correct seed is planted. Some people are just more submissive by personality type and feel better letting others talk them into doing stuff. Not everyone is a stubborn personality type.

 

 

 

I'm submissive in relationships but if I liked a guy I would say yes to a date. In my Mum's day, they all said no first few times of times playing "hard to get", it's not really like that anymore though. I think comparing 20 years ago to today is like comparing apples to oranges.

 

If a girl says no in today's age, and she really likes him, she's nuts, he can go onto his computer and set up a ton of dates in a half hour.

 

If I said no and a guy asked me 5 more times in 6 months, I'd be seriously annoyed. Really, it's happened and it's not flattering.

 

Yes, back then women would play hard to get to appear more attractive and to not appear easy or like they date around, but it's a lot different now.

 

And submissive doesn't mean weak or that we don't have a mind of our own. We don't need to be talked into anything, in fact, we often know our boundaries more solidly than others.

[Potz4prez]

So that means that women in Africa and Europe never mean no?

 

Front page news: "American Serial Rapist Terrorizes Africa."