AnyaNova Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Before jumping in with an answer, I would ask you to read this through completely. I am wondering why I can't get over him completely. It is not about need or desperation. I could have chosen to be with several men who were not right for me and chose not to be. But that choice was not based in comparisons to the ex, or somehow thinking that my ex was the only one for me. I know he is not and that human compatibility is not as uncommon as we may think. He did not factor at all into the decision with each of them. It is not about lack of self-esteem. I have actually found an incredible well of self-respect even losing my academic career. While going through the program this semester, I made the decision that I would no longer allow those things that were out of my control to affect my self-esteem. If my physical condition caused me to forget an assignment, or if my work turned in during a crash wasn't as good, or some other thing out of my control I chose to not allow it to affect my self-esteem. Just as I chose to view the loss of my academic career in the same way. And I have a lot to be proud of. Most people wouldn't have been able to turn in a fraction of the assignments I did, because they would have given in to the incredible despair, cognitive impairment, and emotional agitation (this doesn't even begin to go into the physical symptoms) and not even been able to work through them. It is not low self-esteem. It is not idealizing of the relationship. It really had some down points. And it was more the relationship we were set up to have if we'd "taken the other pill" so to speak (Matrix reference obviously). Why do I still love him? I'm not even sure at this point that I'd ever be able to truly trust my heart with him again. I'd have to think long and hard even if the impossible occurred and he did show up at my door wanting to give it another try. What is this, because I am open to suggestions. And right now I'm trying to figure out if it is a basic component of my personality, something in my wiring that perhaps maybe isn't even unhealthy as long as I truly recognize what it is, how it works, and that it has no implications for the real world. Thoughts? 1
BC1980 Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 You're asking the same question we have all asked. Why, in the face of logic, can we not get over our exes? My ex did some stuff that was pretty unacceptable. I won't go into it all here, but I still wanted him back for months after the breakup. Love puts you in a fog. I don't think there is a black and white, logical, answer to your questions. Low self-esteem or not, I deeply loved my ex, and love is inexplicable. On paper, there certainly could have been people who were a better fit for me. For some reason, I loved him. You are very logical in your approach to your ex, and, I'm guessing, you are logical to everything else in life. Love just doesn't work that way. You can't reduce it to logic, and I feel that NC can work in your favor here. You might always love your ex on some level. H*ll, I still have feelings for my ex of 12 years ago, but I so rarely think about him because I haven't seen him in 12 years. I never saw him after I left him that day. NC dulls the memories and removes the triggers. With my recent ex, it took a good 4 months of NC to even feel any better. I have only recently begun not to give a d@mn about him anymore, and I am at 6 months NC. But you see, if I were still in contact with him and entertaining getting back together, I would be a mess. We can't just stop loving someone. I will probably always love my ex in some way. Does that help at all? I know it's very frustrating. My aunt stayed with uncle for 38 years, and he cheated multiple times with multiple people. He was also an alcoholic. When asked why she stayed, she simply said that she loved him and still does. Love is a funny thing. It can bring you great joy and terrible despair. 13
Author AnyaNova Posted June 14, 2014 Author Posted June 14, 2014 You're asking the same question we have all asked. Why, in the face of logic, can we not get over our exes? My ex did some stuff that was pretty unacceptable. I won't go into it all here, but I still wanted him back for months after the breakup. Love puts you in a fog. I don't think there is a black and white, logical, answer to your questions. Low self-esteem or not, I deeply loved my ex, and love is inexplicable. On paper, there certainly could have been people who were a better fit for me. For some reason, I loved him. You are very logical in your approach to your ex, and, I'm guessing, you are logical to everything else in life. Love just doesn't work that way. You can't reduce it to logic, and I feel that NC can work in your favor here. You might always love your ex on some level. H*ll, I still have feelings for my ex of 12 years ago, but I so rarely think about him because I haven't seen him in 12 years. I never saw him after I left him that day. NC dulls the memories and removes the triggers. With my recent ex, it took a good 4 months of NC to even feel any better. I have only recently begun not to give a d@mn about him anymore, and I am at 6 months NC. But you see, if I were still in contact with him and entertaining getting back together, I would be a mess. We can't just stop loving someone. I will probably always love my ex in some way. Does that help at all? I know it's very frustrating. My aunt stayed with uncle for 38 years, and he cheated multiple times with multiple people. He was also an alcoholic. When asked why she stayed, she simply said that she loved him and still does. Love is a funny thing. It can bring you great joy and terrible despair. It does and I do tend to approach thing that way. And no matter how logical I know its not, my brain wants to tell me that he's all over me and out having fun and never thinks about me. And maybe he is "over" me, but I also know that he didn't want to end things either. So it is probably more likely that he might miss me or think about me a little. But that's the catch. I shouldn't care what he thinks right now. Its none of my business whether he's over me or not. I know all of this. Most of my life right now is composed of a lot of shopping, cooking, and baking (having so many foods to avoid based on IgG response, I have to make everything that goes in my mouth as part of my treatment), which gives the mind way too much time to think. :-) I am in no contact with the exception of doing pre-emptive googles when I'm not crashing so that I can avoid learning something difficult when I am crashing and lose all my impulse control as far as googling because of it. I've tried logic, I've tried emotions. I've tried everything. And I still miss his only-child totally pampered...
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I still miss the good parts of my ex when I think about him. It's amazing how time has dulled it though. I do dread him coming back to work in a few months though. I'm worried seeing him will be a trigger. Hopefully, he will avoid me, and I won't see him much. 1
Author AnyaNova Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I still miss the good parts of my ex when I think about him. It's amazing how time has dulled it though. I do dread him coming back to work in a few months though. I'm worried seeing him will be a trigger. Hopefully, he will avoid me, and I won't see him much. Hopefully he will avoid you. And maybe by then you'll find yourself beginning another relationship and it just won't matter as much? Either way you will deal with it and you will deal with it well! I think everything being up in the air is also making me want familiar comfort as well.
elseaacych Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 These feelings you're having are all symptoms of being human. You've had a rough go at it lately. It's hard managing a graduate program, personal health issues, and the fallout of handling your reactions to a failed relationship. But you've made it, day by day. Honestly, it sounds like you're a little bored and frustrated with your emotions, and you want to blame yourself because things have gone south. If you are doing that, there are better ways to handle yourself. What you should do is find something that engages you on an intellectual level that isn't boring: some form of art. Taking up a new musical instrument. (There are quite a few out there that don't require large monetary investments: ukuleles for example) Get a sketchbook and start drawing. Write poetry. You have to work at it, but not too hard, and your chosen project should give you immediate feedback, as it will give you a sense of control. But you have to find something that speaks to your soul. 3
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I think everything being up in the air is also making me want familiar comfort as well. Getting over a breakup makes everything else seem worse than it really is. I remember thinking my life was in ruins for various reasons, but I was seeing things out of proportion. The truth is that I used the relationship as my anchor, so, when it was gone, I was left hanging so to speak. That was my bad though because I should have seen myself as the anchor.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Getting over a breakup makes everything else seem worse than it really is. I remember thinking my life was in ruins for various reasons, but I was seeing things out of proportion. The truth is that I used the relationship as my anchor, so, when it was gone, I was left hanging so to speak. That was my bad though because I should have seen myself as the anchor. He has found someone new. He broke up with me the day after he I terrogsted me about either I would be as To get a job in my chosen field here in the area because he wanted to stay here forever he said. And now he's moved back to the area he grew up and is dating someone else? And he put me through that hell of a last night where it was clear that he loved me still and disappears and finds someone new? And I'm left here, th stupid idiot who still loves him.
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 He has found someone new. He broke up with me the day after he I terrogsted me about either I would be as To get a job in my chosen field here in the area because he wanted to stay here forever he said. And now he's moved back to the area he grew up and is dating someone else? And he put me through that hell of a last night where it was clear that he loved me still and disappears and finds someone new? And I'm left here, th stupid idiot who still loves him. How do you know he found someone new?
Author AnyaNova Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 How do you know he found someone new? A preemptive google. Because it is a lot worse when I find out stuff when I lose impulse control while crashing, until the treatment has set in enough that crashes don't happen, it is best if I don't find stuff out while in that state. Unfortunately, the right stressor, physical or emotional can precipitate a crash. I didn't predict that. He had a dating profile in his area. He had a pic up. I looked at the pic. I shouldn't have looked at the pic. The profile got deleted from one search to the next. I suppose it is possible that he decided to cancel out because it wasn't getting him enough dates, or good dates, but that is highly unlikely. With the others, I may have set myself back a bit. A friend of mine suggested the preemptive googles, only given my health issues. We both agreed last night that in retrospect it was probably not a good idea.
Under The Radar Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 It's been a little over 3 years since the breakup that brought me to LS. I remember how I even found LS: I kept obsessing over her forgetting about me. So, I did a quick search on the computer for "Do people you dated ever forget about you?" and voila ...... an old thread on the forum popped up and led me to the site. At that time it was so damn important to me that I not be forgotten ...... I mean ...... I tried so hard ...... How could I be a distant memory. Now, I realize it does not matter ...... but it took me easily 18 months to understand that concept. I didn't even hit the anger stage of my breakup until 12 months. I just wallowed in depression for a year ...... a year that I cannot get back. I remember seeing a picture of her with the new boyfriend (on the internet) that set me spiraling backwards at 6 months. I had not learned ...... Yet ...... that NC means no searching for the ex on Google. Lesson learned; it was definitely a painful one. I tried to date within a few months of the breakup ...... unsuccessfully. I believed that finding someone new would cease my pain ...... I was wrong. Despite meeting several nice women ...... I wasn't open or ready for new love. It dawned on me I wasn't healing any faster and at the same time causing pain to others because of my emotional unavailability. I was always a loner ...... an introvert ...... but the demise of that relationship just propelled me light years in that direction. I became a recluse on steroids - LOL. I guess I felt that solitude would expedite my healing faster. I also didn't want to be hurt ...... by anyone ...... or cause pain to someone else. Being alone seemed like the best way to accomplish that. Eventually ...... thankfully ...... I started to come out of my shell. Now, 37 months later, I actually feel as if dating is something I could pursue ...... in a healthy manner. I don't really have any advice to give you. I just wanted to express my empathy to you and your situation. Sensitive people like us take even longer to heal from relationship fallout. We have such vivid memories of our relationships and we never forget the people we loved. I've wished at times my sensitivity could be transformed into insensitivity ...... to not care like I do. However, I know in my heart that is not who *I* am. My personality, congenitally speaking, is always going to be an emotional person ...... a sensitive person. In my case, time was the biggest factor in my recovery. I look back on my previous relationship and see a multitude of invaluable lessons. I've learned about myself, my ex, and the world around us. Yes, I think about that relationship from time to time, but it doesn't haunt me like it once did. I can finally enjoy the sun on my face, good food, appreciate current friendships, and move on with my life now. I am getting better and I believe my 40's will unfold some of the best years to date. I believe that you will recover, too ...... not forget ...... but simply move on in a meaningful capacity ...... it just may take more time than some other people. Here's to wishing you continued healing and future happiness . 5
learning_slowly Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Do you have many friends to hang out with to take up the time you used to spend with your ex? We had alot of couple friends that took their place. Now I have to rebuild and gain new friends. As I do it, I realise alot of it was loneliness. I no longer think of her much when I am out with others. Once you take the sex out of it, essentially a partner is a close friend. Now I have friends to talk to again, alot of my missing her has disappeared. I still do think of her sometimes, and it wrecks me for an hour perhaps, but that's where my secondary coping measure comes in: I realised there's no way we could ever get back together. OK, maybe if we had to continue the species! But I think we already hurt each other too much (we both had valid reasons), that it would be very hard to forgive one another, and a clean slate with somebody else, is far more preferable. You still hold that outside chance in your heart. I did too, as I know how much she loved me, therefore I could not believe if I made an effort, she would not come running back. Then it clicked, even if she would, its not what she really wants, otherwise she would not have started dating someone else. So do you want to let them be with you, when they have made a conscious decision to be with someone else? If you really love(d) them, you need to let them to go forward and make their mistakes, and for you to accept a life without them where you can find happiness with somebody else. My life is a complex mix, where I don't need any more women to meet (and no I am not having an affair). But if it wasn't, you sound great and in another life, I'd like to date you. So there must be plenty of ok guys out there that would also like to. So give yourself the chance of happiness. Whats the worst that can happen: imagine you date an idiot, but he makes you feel good for an hour before you see hes an idiot. It must be better than dwelling on somebody who has chosen not to be in your life? Only you looking to change the problems in your life and time can affect your life's outcome. Do it before you can't change your habits. 3
Author AnyaNova Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I will get back to all of these as I can. My laptop crashed and my iPhone is about out of power. But thank you all so much for your wisdom here!
Author AnyaNova Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Thank you. It didnt even occur to me that my sensitivity might be part of the reason it has taken me longer to recover. And now I wonder if I turned down those me. Truly because they weren't right for me or because my heart wasn't open. Since losing my graduate career to the health/immune syndrome, I also have become a hermit. I've made trips to the grocery store, my old apartment, and small errands and that is it. And I know that some of it is good for me because when I'm like this my sensitivity goes into overdrive and it is like I can feel the weight of every light, shape, color, and texture painfully on my skin. But it turns out with enough nutrition I am not an introvert. I'm an ambivert, which means I need time with people too. And I'm with you with the vivid memories. When I am crashing, they become excruciating. I also sometimes wish dearly that I could just not care so deeply. But it is part of who I am and it is a part of me that I really like. I know others often see it as pathetic or weak or obsessive and I don't have words to explain that it is not. It is something fundamental to me that is hardwired in me and that I hope, someday, some man will appreciate. Thank you. You always have a highly balanced and empathic view of things. If you were anywhere near my area and I knew you in person, given few weeks to a few months and the progression of my treatment, I would definitely be interested Ina thoughtful HSP as yourself. I think, for the moment, however I need to focus on myself and my own healing. It's been a little over 3 years since the breakup that brought me to LS. I remember how I even found LS: I kept obsessing over her forgetting about me. So, I did a quick search on the computer for "Do people you dated ever forget about you?" and voila ...... an old thread on the forum popped up and led me to the site. At that time it was so damn important to me that I not be forgotten ...... I mean ...... I tried so hard ...... How could I be a distant memory. Now, I realize it does not matter ...... but it took me easily 18 months to understand that concept. I didn't even hit the anger stage of my breakup until 12 months. I just wallowed in depression for a year ...... a year that I cannot get back. I remember seeing a picture of her with the new boyfriend (on the internet) that set me spiraling backwards at 6 months. I had not learned ...... Yet ...... that NC means no searching for the ex on Google. Lesson learned; it was definitely a painful one. I tried to date within a few months of the breakup ...... unsuccessfully. I believed that finding someone new would cease my pain ...... I was wrong. Despite meeting several nice women ...... I wasn't open or ready for new love. It dawned on me I wasn't healing any faster and at the same time causing pain to others because of my emotional unavailability. I was always a loner ...... an introvert ...... but the demise of that relationship just propelled me light years in that direction. I became a recluse on steroids - LOL. I guess I felt that solitude would expedite my healing faster. I also didn't want to be hurt ...... by anyone ...... or cause pain to someone else. Being alone seemed like the best way to accomplish that. Eventually ...... thankfully ...... I started to come out of my shell. Now, 37 months later, I actually feel as if dating is something I could pursue ...... in a healthy manner. I don't really have any advice to give you. I just wanted to express my empathy to you and your situation. Sensitive people like us take even longer to heal from relationship fallout. We have such vivid memories of our relationships and we never forget the people we loved. I've wished at times my sensitivity could be transformed into insensitivity ...... to not care like I do. However, I know in my heart that is not who *I* am. My personality, congenitally speaking, is always going to be an emotional person ...... a sensitive person. In my case, time was the biggest factor in my recovery. I look back on my previous relationship and see a multitude of invaluable lessons. I've learned about myself, my ex, and the world around us. Yes, I think about that relationship from time to time, but it doesn't haunt me like it once did. I can finally enjoy the sun on my face, good food, appreciate current friendships, and move on with my life now. I am getting better and I believe my 40's will unfold some of the best years to date. I believe that you will recover, too ...... not forget ...... but simply move on in a meaningful capacity ...... it just may take more time than some other people. Here's to wishing you continued healing and future happiness .
Haydn Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Anya, beautiful pictures. Like many posters have pointed out. Love knows no logic at all. You know my story and i still think what happened to me was unfair and i was everything to her. But not for her, whatever major issues and emotional pain she caused, i simply was not for her. Took a long time. And yes the pangs of it all do come back sometimes. But you can push on from this. You must. And you will. Take care today. Haydn
Author AnyaNova Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 I have two very close friends far away. I tend towards fewer and deeper friendships. I had three here that were close since moving for graduate school. 1) my ex- and we all know what happened to that. 2) a good friend I met off of OkCupid. He moved for a job opportunity to another state. 3) the friend who left me as a friend, because I loved him enough as a friend to refuse to lie and tell him the post-breakup things he wanted to hear and this made him angry. So right now being shy and all, I have two close friends not in the area and no close friends in the area. And yes, I'm very lonely right now, truthfully, but it is difficult too because my mood and mental state until the treatment has time, are still really variable. I can be out at the store and start crashing right there in public which is not fun. Particularly a bad one preceded by the rapid mood plummet. And if I look rationally, instead of emotionally, I know a clean slate with someone else is far better. I just wish I could convince my emotions of that and get hem to stop replaying his face and voice all over the place. Thank you for the compliment. I get complex. You sound like a pretty great guy. Perhaps in another life somewhere. I miss him and I know I shouldn't blame him for this but sometimes I hate that he left me (neither of us had any clue how sick I really was) to go through all this medical stuff alone. The pain feels so strong right now, though. And I can't do the best thing to take my mind off of it because my comp's hard drive is probably going to have to be replaced. It is very quiet in my new apartment. Too quiet. I know it also hurts that he probably thinks that I'm intrinsically a nutcase (the syndrome causes among other things, a messed up Serotonin balance in your body which an SSRI can't help, but your mood becomes more unpredictable than a super ball). He's probably finding all sorts of favorable comparisons. In his profile he had put that he was looking for someone slender. I have lost a ton of weight but I still have some fat to lose via personal training, and she probably doesn't have a physical condition making her a nutcase. And she can probably give him everything I wanted to, tried to, and couldn't. I know. I need to get out of his head but its hard to not compare and wonder how I stack up. Do you have many friends to hang out with to take up the time you used to spend with your ex? We had alot of couple friends that took their place. Now I have to rebuild and gain new friends. As I do it, I realise alot of it was loneliness. I no longer think of her much when I am out with others. Once you take the sex out of it, essentially a partner is a close friend. Now I have friends to talk to again, alot of my missing her has disappeared. I still do think of her sometimes, and it wrecks me for an hour perhaps, but that's where my secondary coping measure comes in: I realised there's no way we could ever get back together. OK, maybe if we had to continue the species! But I think we already hurt each other too much (we both had valid reasons), that it would be very hard to forgive one another, and a clean slate with somebody else, is far more preferable. You still hold that outside chance in your heart. I did too, as I know how much she loved me, therefore I could not believe if I made an effort, she would not come running back. Then it clicked, even if she would, its not what she really wants, otherwise she would not have started dating someone else. So do you want to let them be with you, when they have made a conscious decision to be with someone else? If you really love(d) them, you need to let them to go forward and make their mistakes, and for you to accept a life without them where you can find happiness with somebody else. My life is a complex mix, where I don't need any more women to meet (and no I am not having an affair). But if it wasn't, you sound great and in another life, I'd like to date you. So there must be plenty of ok guys out there that would also like to. So give yourself the chance of happiness. Whats the worst that can happen: imagine you date an idiot, but he makes you feel good for an hour before you see hes an idiot. It must be better than dwelling on somebody who has chosen not to be in your life? Only you looking to change the problems in your life and time can affect your life's outcome. Do it before you can't change your habits.
learning_slowly Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 The thing is, you are comparing yourself to somebody he has chosen to be with. You could change yourself to be better in every way, but it won't matter. He has moved on and even if you were on the cover of a magazine and had too much money, to him, you would probably be the same person he moved on from. Stop comparing. Make yourself fitter etc for you if that's what you want. I go to the gym for me. If she sees me on Facebook looking twice as good as her new bf then great. But a) I will be amazed if she's looking and b) do I really care? If for some reason she suddenly decides she wants me again, it's too late; the trust would take forever to build and I used to overlook things that I found unnattractive in her. I don't think I could do it again. I think if you really had the option, you may feel the same way.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 16, 2014 Author Posted June 16, 2014 The thing is, you are comparing yourself to somebody he has chosen to be with. You could change yourself to be better in every way, but it won't matter. He has moved on and even if you were on the cover of a magazine and had too much money, to him, you would probably be the same person he moved on from. Stop comparing. Make yourself fitter etc for you if that's what you want. I go to the gym for me. If she sees me on Facebook looking twice as good as her new bf then great. But a) I will be amazed if she's looking and b) do I really care? If for some reason she suddenly decides she wants me again, it's too late; the trust would take forever to build and I used to overlook things that I found unnattractive in her. I don't think I could do it again. I think if you really had the option, you may feel the same way. The rational part of my brain knows this. the rational part of my brain knows that if he showed up at my door wanting to try again I can't say what I would do, but I know that I would have no way to trust that he wasn't going to on a whim or a fear or pressure from his family make me leave despite his own clear feelings. I know that his face shape was really odd, and he always slumped and slouched and just came off as very weak. Don't get me wrong, please. I am not saying that I need a hyper-masculine man. The man I was in a relationship with for 13 years before this ex was an English Major, and got his Masters in Creative Writing with a poetry emphasis. I have no problem with men being emotionally vulnerable, that didn't bother me. But I never got the feeling walking next to him that he was a strong rock that I could really rest or rely on. I know it is an unfair evaluation, but it is how I felt. And I spent so much time with him on the phone helping him work out what he really wanted and needed as opposed to what they needed. I fear that few women are really clear on that distinction or would be able to tell that he had that issue. I fear that true voice that he risked showing me will get stifled. But it is not my concern now. I know. But when I think about it, there were plenty of things that bothered me that I overlooked as well. And I know I want a man who really challenges me.
learning_slowly Posted June 16, 2014 Posted June 16, 2014 I read a few of your threads. You need to figure out what you want, e.g. do you want children? If so you may need to make compromises concerning a partner who will challenge you. Maybe they will be intellectually challenged but physically great and very generous, could you consider them? I have a friend who I would have thought would not be my ideal partner, but the more I see how she looks out for others before her self, the more I realise she is maybe too good for me (admittedly she is intelligent, but in a different way to me). If you don't want children, then you will probably miss out on something great, but ideally you want to find somebody who you will be stable enough with to support them all their life. So its finding the balance for you to be happy and able to provide a future for your relationship and perhaps its offspring.
The Like Fairy Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 What is this, because I am open to suggestions. And right now I'm trying to figure out if it is a basic component of my personality, something in my wiring that perhaps maybe isn't even unhealthy as long as I truly recognize what it is, how it works, and that it has no implications for the real world. Thoughts? Its simply brain chemistry that enslaved us all - but more so women. Google 'oxytocin', thats really all it is. Your are a slave to the chemicals in your brain.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 I read a few of your threads. You need to figure out what you want, e.g. do you want children? If so you may need to make compromises concerning a partner who will challenge you. Maybe they will be intellectually challenged but physically great and very generous, could you consider them? I have a friend who I would have thought would not be my ideal partner, but the more I see how she looks out for others before her self, the more I realise she is maybe too good for me (admittedly she is intelligent, but in a different way to me). If you don't want children, then you will probably miss out on something great, but ideally you want to find somebody who you will be stable enough with to support them all their life. So its finding the balance for you to be happy and able to provide a future for your relationship and perhaps its offspring. Well, some of it, I am very open on. Though I want children, I know that at my age it would be difficult, and I know that I want more to find a man to share my life with. I'd rather not exclude a man who is very good for me because he didn't want children. They aren't a must. Cats and dogs, however, are! For me, I could be very good friends with someone intellectually disabled, or not nearly as intelligent. But I know that I need to be truly understood, and to truly understand equally. I need someone at least close to where I am at intellectually, for a relationship. I'm not going to place many personality trait restrictions because often it is the people we don't expect we would get on well with, that turn out to be the best for us. But I will say that I know this go around I want someone who has a very strong sense of self and a strong desire to maintain that sense of self, even if it goes in the face of what significant people in his life want, not to be contrary or ungrateful, but because he knows his life path and knows that he needs to walk it to be true to himself, and that anybody who truly loved him would understand this and not try to force him onto their plan for his life path.
Author AnyaNova Posted June 17, 2014 Author Posted June 17, 2014 Its simply brain chemistry that enslaved us all - but more so women. Google 'oxytocin', thats really all it is. Your are a slave to the chemicals in your brain. I haven't seen him sense September, now granted, my brain chemistry is all over the map. I know that I am low in Serotonin, and that my body can't properly utilize Dopamine right now, and it is anybody's guess on a given day whether I'll have enough of the basic vitamins and electrolytes...so I suppose its possible that somehow brain chemistry is playing into it (well, it is some, because when most of these go down, I do end up fixating on him) but I doubt I have too much oxytocin, and I doubt that affect would be still around after all these months. But that actually was a very good point, and if I wasn't so far out, I would tend to agree with you!
Itspointless Posted June 17, 2014 Posted June 17, 2014 But it turns out with enough nutrition I am not an introvert. I'm an ambivert, which means I need time with people too. You probably wont mind a small correction/addition Quote article There’s More to Introversion than You Might Think: 'Warmth Facet:When you think of introversion, you probably imagine that introverts don't like other people. However, being low on the warmth facet doesn't mean that you don't like other people. Instead, it means that you're hard to get to know and may feel uncomfortable around other people who you don't know well.' (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201108/there-s-more-introversion-you-might-think?tr=MostViewed)
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