Sea-ds Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 (edited) Sorry this is rather long I am currently in a relationship that is not going where I want it to lead. Ever since I met him I have been doubting myself if I should give this guy a shot and date to marry him. Almost all the time, his past comes to mind and it gives me bad feelings about the future of this relationship. When I met him he was almost open about his past as I have to probe him for more. He was a frequent user of marijuana up until I met him, he has done illicit drugs a handful of times, he as a manager of a professional setting has sold drugs to his employees ( and his professional license can be revoked for that) and he has had drunken affairs with his employees, one of who is now my employee. In addition, he has had 3 DUIs in the past decade. He told me he would change for the better because he wants to and not because he is dating me so I can be attracted to him. He has quit drinking alcohol and doing drugs but at a rough patch in our relationship, he took up smoking including marijuana. I was disgusted and distraught that he lied to me and because he should know better how to handle stress since his profession is on the line, but I took him back. I am considered a good girl, I am focused and I have goals in my life but these relationship issues are giving me headaches. His past remains in my mind as they don't live up to my standards. I am afraid to tell my parents about his past because I don't know if they will be accepting. In person he looks okay as he is college educated and has a well paying career. I am confused and angry at his past because even as a professional, he was making poor decisions (poor morals) that he was aware of. He already regressed but promised never to do it again. I am bothered if he will live up to his current state or will he regress. I don't know if I should really leave him because I would feel bad to have wasted his time and also I don't like to be lonely. I feel I won't find anyone since I hardly ever go out. He wants to marry me. Edited June 14, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Assasda Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Sound like youre not mad about his past. Sounds like youre mad at him in the present. - At least that seems to make sense. If someone is dragging you down, IN THE PRESENT, you need to let them know what standards you are accustomed to, and what you will tolerate. Seems like you have a lot of insecurities yourself to work out, since you dont want to be alone. -Work on your insecurities, or you just might accept anything, because youre too scared 1
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 what are your standards? list them for me please......
d0nnivain Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Drugs are a deal breaker for me. This guy's past isn't far enough in the past to give me any sort of comfort level that he has over come his addiction issues. Ask yourself this: if you marry him & your kids come to you & ask about drugs, what are you going to tell them about Daddy's past? I had 1 DWI. I learned from it. 3 . . . . how many times does he have to have this happen before he wises up or will it have to be after he kills someone? 1
FitChick Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 You are afraid you might not meet anyone else if you break up. I can guarantee you won't meet anyone else UNTIL you break up. So break up if you want to find happiness and not codependency. If you married him your reputation would be tarnished and you might lose everything financially if he committed more crimes again.
giblesp Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 Being with someone for fear of being lonely, is not a good reason to be in a relationship. Make sure you're happy with yourself first. He gave up drink and hard drugs for you, so you can see the effort he has made. Smoking a bit of weed during a rough patch is no big deal, at least he didn't get drunk and get into a fight. Yeah it was a little relapse, but if he's been doing hard drugs and just on one occasion smoked weed, he's actually doing really well. Addiction is tough and wont just happen overnight. Most men wouldn't quit drinking for their partner, and quitting the harder stuff is way more difficult. Love what you see in the present, don't judge him by his mistakes, we all make massive ones. Thats what makes us or breaks us. 1
veggirl Posted June 14, 2014 Posted June 14, 2014 How old is he now and how old was he when he made these mistakes? I think that makes a difference. If he was selling weed to employees at 40, well that's a lot different than at 23 imo. Why would you need to tell your parents about his past? If you were so bothered by these things, why did you even start dating a guy who had a past you disagree with? Are you worried he will fall back into these habits?
Author Sea-ds Posted June 14, 2014 Author Posted June 14, 2014 How old is he now and how old was he when he made these mistakes? I think that makes a difference. If he was selling weed to employees at 40, well that's a lot different than at 23 imo. Why would you need to tell your parents about his past? If you were so bothered by these things, why did you even start dating a guy who had a past you disagree with? Are you worried he will fall back into these habits? Thank you all for your input. He is 30 and did many of these things when he was 27-29. I gave him a chance because I liked his personality and I trusted he would make wiser decisions. Even though his poor decisions were in his past I feel he might relapse because I have heard the saying " one a (), always a (). " I wouldn't want to be in a situation if I married him and he relapsed, but the future is unknown. I would tell my parents about his past because I am very open with them.
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