AnyaNova Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 (edited) So, this does have to do with coping, because I think everything I've gone through this year, especially the relationship and its end really did help bring me to this point. The dotted lines indicate the short version, for those who don't want to read the whole thing. My probably and sadly soon to be ex-friend was broken up with. I freely admit at one point on hearing that he was doing something incredibly self-destructive, because I care about him and because I'm a fallible human who can't always perfectly control every single response in the moment, I spoke in a highly unintentionally condescending tone about how he needs to stop doing that. But what he's really mad about it is so clear, is that I won't indulge him and lie to him and tell him its okay to do these self-destructive things. And though this is conjecture, I'm pretty confident he is most rankled that I won't tell him that there is a good chance his ex will come back and it will all be peachy keen like it never really was anyway. The long of it is, is that (with the exception of last summer, where he was there for me through a lot of this) but after last summer I started to realize now how one-sided the friendship was. We always went where he wanted to go, and if I wanted to go somewhere else and insisted, we simply didn't get together. And now, I am debating whether to choose to be friends if he does come back. Not because I am a bad friend. But because I have enough self-respect. I extended my true friendship to him and did my best to honor that commitment to the best of my ability, even if it means sometimes he doesn't like me because I refuse to hurt him when to try and spare him that pain would simply hurt him worse. And he responds by lashing out. ----------------------------------------------------------- I have enough self-respect to be more comfortable alone than in a friendship that is not deep, true, and loyal and where the respect is not 100 percent mutual, and where insults aren't just handed out on a thoughtless whim. I have never once intentionally insulted him no matter how irritated at times I might have been with him. I deserve the same back. I have learned that no amount of superficial getting together with people who aren't ready for real relationships of any sort, truth and honesty will ever fill the need for true,deep, and lasting friendships. And frankly, trying to fill that need with superficiality is worse than being alone. I thought I had a true friendship with this person. Now I am not sure. I would rather have the two deep and lasting friends who are far away from me and none here, than a billion superficial "friends" who don't care enough about each other to make the tough choices for their friend's long term best interest. It has been a hard road. But I have finally learned self- respect, and that I deserve as much respect as I give to those to whom I give it. Edited June 13, 2014 by AnyaNova 5
freebird31 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Hey anyanova I'm going through something very similar. My best friend of 7 years has neglected me for her boyfriend. She was seldom there for me during my breakup with my ex and we have now not spoken in 2 months. I do miss her a lot, but I find it easier to be alone than to be in a one-sided friendship. It got to be too exhausting after a while. It's emotionally exhausting when you're the one who cares more and is more invested. Sometimes you just have to let people go, and let them figure out what they had, a true friend. I was there for her always and was the only person that was ever real with her about her unhealthy relationship with her bf who was verbally abusive. But what can you do. Can't help those that don't want to be helped. I don't know if people ever realize what they had, until it's gone. Id like to believe that's true. Anyway, as much as I miss our once healthy friendship, I am much too exhausted to try continuing repairing this unhealthy one with her esp if I'm the one who is doing most of the work. Just let them go and move on, is what in learning, as much as it can hurt sometimes. I've been finding it easier to cope with all of this loss of my ex and now by best friend by going to the gym. I picked a goal and now I go every single day. I am always busy, no time to think. It's been helping. Anyway hope you feel better.
freebird31 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Also, I 100% agree with you about self-respect. It's okay to forgive them, maybe even give them a second chance if they're willing to put in the work. BUT if the cycle is just going to continue again, and again, and again. Then yes, you're absolutely right. I respected myself enough to put my foot down and speak up to her a while back. And like your situation, she reacted defensively and lashed out. It was such a hard time for me because all I needed was a friend. That was a year ago though. Now, I am almost too tired to try to re-communicate my concerns of our friendship AGAIN. Doesn't seem like she got it the first time. Idk. Now we haven't spoken in 2 months, and idk. It would just be nice for once if someone else cared more to fix it. It's just too tiring always being the one who cares more.
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