There are way too many issues with his mom and now i'm feeling so distant towards him

[stephwill]

I've been dating this guy for 3 years now and we love each other dearly. I'm 25 and he's 27. Long story short, his mother doesn't like me at all. She's Jamaican. And I've gotten tired of her talking so bad about me behind my back that I only say hi to her when i see her (and she ignores me, of course) and try to avoid her if I don't have to be around her. She has said so many bad things about me and i'm so good to her son. I've learned of all the things she has said about me and i've just been distant towards her, but she doesn't know that i'm aware of the things she says. This has been going on for months now. Just recently, i saw her for the first time in a couple months and I said hi to her and she ignored me in front of my family. Then she ignored me again in front of her son and that was icing on the cake from me. I finally told her son why i'm so distant towards her. I just don't want anything to do with her. She's so sneaky to me and a hypocrite. He's defended me before to her, but he has to do more. These past couple of, i've been debating if it's even worth it for me to continue dating him. Today he asked me to come to his house to see him and i told him that i don't want to and the reason why. Then he got upset and we didnt speak all night. This lady is like a black cloud. She's very bad news and i know that now. Over the past 3 years i've really learned the type of person that she actually is. Right now, i'm undecided if this situation is even worth it..

 

Now i'm feeling distant towards him. These past few days haven't been good. Since the day I didn't go over his house we didn't speak that night like we usually do. The following day he texted me that he loved me when we actually spoke we were distant towards each other and we basically got off the phone hostile towards each other. And we haven't spoken this morning.

[d0nnivain]

Some people are just awful.

 

I'd try talking to her. Do you have any idea what made her feel this way? Did you inadventantly do or not do something? Force her to sit down with you & get to the heart of her problem. Her son should back you up on the need for this detente.

 

If kindness doesn't work, with your BF's support, get in her face. Remind her that you have been together for 3 years & whatever her problem is she needs to get over it because you aren't going anywhere.

 

If you really don't have the stomach for this you need to at least explain to your BF that his mom's rotten attitude is destroying your relationship & give him the chance to fix it. If he continually lets her get away with being mean to you, she thinks she has a chance to drive you away because he's not fighting to keep you.

[mercuryshadow]

I've been dating this guy for 3 years now and we love each other dearly. I'm 25 and he's 27. Long story short, his mother doesn't like me at all. She's Jamaican. And I've gotten tired of her talking so bad about me behind my back that I only say hi to her when i see her (and she ignores me, of course) and try to avoid her if I don't have to be around her. She has said so many bad things about me and i'm so good to her son. I've learned of all the things she has said about me and i've just been distant towards her, but she doesn't know that i'm aware of the things she says. This has been going on for months now. Just recently, i saw her for the first time in a couple months and I said hi to her and she ignored me in front of my family. Then she ignored me again in front of her son and that was icing on the cake from me. I finally told her son why i'm so distant towards her. I just don't want anything to do with her. She's so sneaky to me and a hypocrite. He's defended me before to her, but he has to do more. These past couple of, i've been debating if it's even worth it for me to continue dating him. Today he asked me to come to his house to see him and i told him that i don't want to and the reason why. Then he got upset and we didnt speak all night. This lady is like a black cloud. She's very bad news and i know that now. Over the past 3 years i've really learned the type of person that she actually is. Right now, i'm undecided if this situation is even worth it..

 

Now i'm feeling distant towards him. These past few days haven't been good. Since the day I didn't go over his house we didn't speak that night like we usually do. The following day he texted me that he loved me when we actually spoke we were distant towards each other and we basically got off the phone hostile towards each other. And we haven't spoken this morning.

 

 

 

Just one question: How did you find out what she's said about you behind your back?

 

 

I'm in a similar situation, though my MIL is not quite hostile (she's more subtle, passive-aggressive, and just cold toward me). What I do know of what she's said about me came via my H, who told me things while we were still only dating, and didn't understand the kind of implications divulging such info would have, going forward. It hurt, and it caused a rift in my building a relationship with his mother. My H understands that his mother is a negative force, but it doesn't bother him as much as it bothers me, and to his credit, he wanted to be completely transparent with me. They are coming to stay with us in a few days, and my plan is to (maybe you can try some of these things, too): be cordial toward her, yet excuse myself from her presence if she says anything negative or starts with her incessant complaining. If she says or does anything disrespectful in our home, I am going to address it in a calm and cordial manner, and ask that she stop. (Easier said than done, I suppose, but we'll see what happens.)

 

 

The best advice I've received from not only posters here, but from outside sources as well, is to not add fuel to her negativity. Be as kind and polite as you can be, and let her horrible attitude speak for itself (and it WILL!). As much as her words are hurting you, as long as your bf's opinion of you has not been impacted (and it sounds like it has not), things could turn out alright as long as your bf agrees to act as a better buffer between you and her. Be thankful you don't have to see her often. One of my past relationships was ruined by a woman who did not want me dating her son due to a difference in culture...and it was because her words affected his feelings about our relationship. If this is not the case with you and your bf, the only thing that needs to change is your perception, and I believe things could get better for you. This woman's opinion has a lot less to do with you, personally, than you realize right now.

[stephwill]

Thank you for your advice.

[Assasda]

My mother is Jamaican, and there is something about Jamaican mothers.

Hahaha they want nothing but the best for their sons.

 

I dont think all the conversation would work.

You just have to be yourself and try not to impress her.

How you are naturally will influence how she thinks of you.

 

You can take solace in the fact that you are certainly not the only one that is hated by inlaws, It can be a common thing

[todreaminblue]

if you love a guy and he loves you what hi sparents think or feel is inconsequential to your relationship, it might get tiring, but you cant change perception so dotn try just be civil and respectful and most of the time..dont lower yourself to be any other way.........parents will get to a point and say theres a certain substance abotu this woman......there ha to b efor her to take what she does yet still treat me well....dont give up be graceful grace can always bee seen adn not denied....by anyone....some times it takes a aprent a little more time to see grace......doesnt mean they wont ever see it..stand strong in your love for your partner, let him stand stong in yours let that keep you both sustained......for it is all that really counts.........deb

[preraph]

To me, the underlying problem is that he doesn't seem to find her behavior all that offensive or he wouldn't still be embroiled in her life and would have fled like any sane person would. So to me, if I met a guy with a crap family who took drastic measures to get away from them, I could live with that, but not with one whose boundaries are so soft he doesn't think it's enough to get away from such toxic crap. You know, she is one of his role models and at least part of him is like her. Especially since you are still at your prime, I wouldn't sign up for a lifetime of her crap. I wouldn't waste any time dumping him and moving on because it's the right time to do it now to your advantage. Wait a few years and there will be something to trap you.