howtomove Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 hi all, been a lurker here for some time! I have now picked up the courage to ask for help! my long term ex split up with me in July last year she moved on and has a new partner, I kept my kids, and tried to move on. I entered into a rebound relationship with a good friend of mine now though I have split up with my rebound! I still miss my long term ex and now have to deal with this all again! I secretly thought my long term ex would come back but she hasn't she has moved on and now its time for me to move on but I am finding it a struggle I was with my long term ex for 12 years! we had what I thought the perfect life! until she said she didn't love me anymore and left! everyone says im a nice guy but don't feel it. wow this is painful. im not 100% back there but am now feeling lonely and on my own. I don't feel like I have many friends or friends that understand! people say I have coped well and that im being to hard on myself! I just want a few words of advice. I went LC after 2 n half months and my long term ex hasn't sent me any bread crumbs I accept it over and I accept she doesn't want me but I still sometimes hold out for hope its been 11 months since that break! any words of advice would be great! or motivation techniques. im now willing to learn how to get over my long term ex! should I face my ex! I sometimes see her and she looks great! I don't want rejection again though but I suppose im still asking whether there could be a chance I don't know! how long does it take to get over someone! im waiting for counselling and am gonna go and work on myself!
somecamel Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 hi all, been a lurker here for some time! I have now picked up the courage to ask for help! my long term ex split up with me in July last year she moved on and has a new partner, I kept my kids, and tried to move on. I entered into a rebound relationship with a good friend of mine now though I have split up with my rebound! I still miss my long term ex and now have to deal with this all again! I secretly thought my long term ex would come back but she hasn't she has moved on and now its time for me to move on but I am finding it a struggle I was with my long term ex for 12 years! we had what I thought the perfect life! until she said she didn't love me anymore and left! everyone says im a nice guy but don't feel it. wow this is painful. im not 100% back there but am now feeling lonely and on my own. I don't feel like I have many friends or friends that understand! people say I have coped well and that im being to hard on myself! I just want a few words of advice. I went LC after 2 n half months and my long term ex hasn't sent me any bread crumbs I accept it over and I accept she doesn't want me but I still sometimes hold out for hope its been 11 months since that break! any words of advice would be great! or motivation techniques. im now willing to learn how to get over my long term ex! should I face my ex! I sometimes see her and she looks great! I don't want rejection again though but I suppose im still asking whether there could be a chance I don't know! how long does it take to get over someone! im waiting for counselling and am gonna go and work on myself! Did you ever get a reason as to why she 'fell' out of love ŵith you? Something wasn't working? Someone else? You seem stuck in the denial stage nearly 11 months on, you need to work out what you can change in your life that will make you a better person. Do it for yourself and learn to love yourself. The rebound obviously didn't help and has staggered you getting to the next stage but your here now so tackle it head on, that doesn't mean contacting the ex. What was the relationship like? 1
anemptycup Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 The following things will help immediately: 1. Start exercising regularly (at least every other day) even if it's just going for a walk. It's not only the endorphins that will feel good, but also just giving yourself sometime to yourself and slowly getting healthier. 2. Start eating better - slowly try to cut out sugars, processed foods - healthy food doesn't mean boring tastless - just keep away from things that will cause inflamation and stress in the body (sweet drinks, sodas, alcohol, cigarrettes - any other toxins like that) and if you have the guts - go get a green Kale smoothie once every two days 3. this should be #1 - NC, NC, NC - or LC LC if you need to talk because of kids etc - but really, the less contact - the quicker you will heal and move on. It is exactly like a wound - everytime you think of her, it's like you're itching around the edges of the wound... and everytime you make contact - it's like you've bumped the wound and re-opened it.... What i have found helps is... not trying to stop thinking of her - that's impossible... and we give more energy to things we resist... allow yourself to mourn the loss - cry... scream and shout in the car... let your voice be heard - keeping it all in and keeping quiet doesnt help... I go for drives sometime and i just breath in.. and when i breath out i make any sound my body feels like making - i do this over and over.. and try to let it all out.... 4. start working on strengthening your mind. Everyday, write down 3 things you are grateful for before bed "I am grateful for all the love and emotions i have within me and for being blessed with the amazing strength and kindness in my life" "I am grateful for some incredible children" "I am grateful for my health, and for all the guidance the universe is giving me" do three new ones every night before sleeping - and you will slowly start to re-condition your mind to become more positive. Don't see yourself as a victim... You need to re-build your self esteem and confidence, so, basically start BEING the confident awesome person that you are WITH your thoughts first - what that means is... STOP the negative self talk (i am not good enough, I don't know where to go from here, I will never find anyone else) and force yourself to start thinking positive thoughts - for every negative thought - try to counter it with 3 positive thoughts - DO this everyday - even more effective if you can record them in a note pad every day. 5. Keep an eye on your body language - researchers at Harvard show that body language can change your mind and your confidence - if you make yourself small, head hanging low... you will tell your mind that you are hurt and weak and lacking something - it might feel weird - but, try to open yourself up.. sit or stand up right - keep your head up.. chest out... and try to open yourself up... do this as much as you can until it quickly will beocme a habbit and you will tell your mind you are strong, confident - and people will also respond to you differently. 6. Start reading good books and watching good videos - cut out anything depressing, negative, that will keep you down... You need to start surrounding yourself with positive uplifting things - here are some good videos i watch his videos every morning and every night... there are others on youtube if you do not connect with this guy - but of all the ones i have seen - his teachings are the best... Good luck and just try to make a little progress everyday - there will be days you'll fall down again - but, don't worry - it's natural... pick yourself back up and keep moving forward - also - try to give advice and help people on this board... that also helps as well believe it or not. Don't think about your ex and create stories in your mind about how much fun she's having etc... life is hard for us all - no matter how much fun it appears we are having - she had struggles just as you do - just focus on what you can control - which is YOURSELF... and work on making it the best version of yourself you have ever been... here are those videos... good luck friend - know that you are not alone - this **** happens to everyone - we're all in teh same boat - it's up to you now to do the daily work... and let go and move to the new chapter in your life. 4
seminoles84 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Bravo Anemptycup! OP, I would also suggest talking to a therapist. I was in a rough spot and mine really helped me realize a lot of stuff that has help tremendously. My therapist also recommended Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway By Susan Jeffers. This book really helped me out a lot. Think it's only like 10 bucks.. 2
anemptycup Posted June 13, 2014 Posted June 13, 2014 I forgot to mention seeing a counselor - yes, i have been seeing someone - once a month who has helped me a lot - he has good techniques that work for me... good luck! 1
Author howtomove Posted June 14, 2014 Author Posted June 14, 2014 i just want to say a massive thank you to you all who has replied. sorry I haven't been on much and im sorry if it appeared rude not replying your kind words.. yes firstly she left me for someone else she still says nothing was going on but it was. everyone else said it! and thank you I now know I need to focus on myself! I went out last night and got a lot of female attention. I was also talking to a friends friend, as he split up with his ex and It made me realise something recently has clicked, I do need to move on but move on at my own pace! everything is mad though at times when I still miss the ex but I am slowly moving on. thank you for all your kind words and also the great advice. thank you
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