Unequal rent... Issues?

[Baller25]

I think it's problematic that she's accepting invitations to events without you, while enjoying the benefits of you paying more for the household expenses. If I were in her situation, I wouldn't accept invitations unless we could find a way for both of us to attend the event. In that case, I'd save the money and keep saving for another event in the future, one that we could attend together.

 

I agree.

 

OP needs to ask her what she would feel if he did the same thing.

[Baller25]

I'll work on cutting down my spending elsewhere and not have this conversation with her, you're right.

 

As an American living in the UK I must say that it's only in England were I see so many doormat guys where the women treat the men like kids, no wonder guys here are so insecure. The OP would rather bottle up his concern over being taken advantage of than actually discuss the issue with his partner.

 

You are paying your gf to be your gf brah, while she spends your money on things that don't involve you. I can't imagine living a life like that, it's like your being financially cuckolded.

 

Haha, it was only because we made a spreadsheet together whilst we were working out what we could afford, so that's the formula we used. It does seem very specific I admit.

 

It looks like you two have different definitions of the world "afford".

Edited June 13, 2014 by Baller25

[TXGuy]

I think it's problematic that she's accepting invitations to events without you, while enjoying the benefits of you paying more for the household expenses. If I were in her situation, I wouldn't accept invitations unless we could find a way for both of us to attend the event. In that case, I'd save the money and keep saving for another event in the future, one that we could attend together.

 

You've shown the commitment and good faith to pay more of the household expenses. Where's her commitment and good faith? I would feel unappreciated and slighted in your position, and would definitely talk to her about it.

 

I love you!

 

You conveyed the same information I thought did in a much better manner. I thought I said the same thing, but my post was modded away. I need to pay closer attention to your tone. I will try to adopt your method in the future. Regardless of the gender, I agree with this entirely!

[FitChick]

If the OP doesn't like paying expenses based on income, he could downgrade his lifestyle to live in a place his girlfriend could afford to split 50-50 or have her move out and he could just live alone to avoid resentment. Then he'd really feel the financial pinch. Of course, he could take in a lodger as her replacement and split everything down the middle. Of course he'd then have the added expense of travelling to wherever she is living and the inconvenience of staying overnight in a flat with her other flatmates.

 

I think he's doing it the right way. If I made more than a boyfriend, I'd resent having to live in a crap neighborhood just so he could split everything 50-50.

 

It sounds like the OP has an expensive hobby which his girlfriend doesn't so she has that extra money. Why not see an accountant together to work out a budget?

Edited June 13, 2014 by FitChick

[Baller25]

If the OP doesn't like paying expenses based on income, he could downgrade his lifestyle to live in a place his girlfriend could afford to split 50-50 or have her move out and he could just live alone to avoid resentment. Then he'd really feel the financial pinch. Of course, he could take in a lodger as her replacement and split everything down the middle. Of course he'd then have the added expense of travelling to wherever she is living and the inconvenience of staying overnight in a flat with her other flatmates.

 

I think he's doing it the right way. If I made more than a boyfriend, I'd resent having to live in a crap neighborhood just so he could split everything 50-50.

 

It sounds like the OP has an expensive hobby which his girlfriend doesn't so she has that extra money. Why not see an accountant together to work out a budget?

 

This is quite a big problem in society, especially when it's so common for women to date guys that earn more. How can the higher earner live in a place he/she deserves but at the same time not feel like he/she is being taken advantage of, and not make the partner uncomfortable?

 

The income-based dividing is really just a quick and partially-unfair solution that creates another problem. What happens when the guy makes $150k and the girl $20k, does she basically live rent free? It's making a business deal out of a relationship, and the lower-earner is like a government taxing on the other.

 

Now that I really think about it, the only way to make it work is for the OP to pay more, but I still think it's very unfair and selfish for his partner to go to these events without him knowing that it was because he couldn't afford to after subsidizing her rent.

[PegNosePete]

I don't think the other posters realise that in the UK a salary of someone that makes say £50k ends up being very similar to someone that makes £30k once stealth taxes and general socialist costs are incurred.

LOL, what?

Completely untrue.

http://www.listentotaxman.com/

[ThatMan]

If the OP doesn't like paying expenses based on income, he could downgrade his lifestyle to live in a place his girlfriend could afford to split 50-50 or have her move out and he could just live alone to avoid resentment. Then he'd really feel the financial pinch. Of course, he could take in a lodger as her replacement and split everything down the middle. Of course he'd then have the added expense of travelling to wherever she is living and the inconvenience of staying overnight in a flat with her other flatmates.

 

I think he's doing it the right way. If I made more than a boyfriend, I'd resent having to live in a crap neighborhood just so he could split everything 50-50.

 

It sounds like the OP has an expensive hobby which his girlfriend doesn't so she has that extra money. Why not see an accountant together to work out a budget?

I think I remember you.

Yeah, I'm sure of it.

 

You've publicly shared how you specifically date men who are financially better off than you. Of course you'll resent living in a crap neighborhood to split rent.

 

Spouses should not live together unless they're fully independent and capable adults. If the only way you can become a fully independent adult is through living in some crap section-8 neighborhood then you should really address that problem before moving in together with in with prospective boyfriends. Shewing rent contributions doesn't somehow alter a spouse into becoming a capable adult.

Edited June 13, 2014 by ThatMan

[lukekarts]

I'm surprised how wide open the debate is here.

 

I guess it wouldn't hurt to give a little more detail about where we spend money.

 

After the bills split, I think I roughly pay:

 

£100 per month towards my hobby

£150 per month on petrol

£50-100 on general every day expenses (drinks etc whilst out and about)

£100-150 per month on clothes (not an exact figure , it tends to be in spurts when I need things.

£250 per month on social events (usually dinner, drinks etc that will involve both of us.

£50-100 on leisure - games / DVDs

£100-200 savings

 

The major discrepancies will be petrol, where she spends about £60 per month, and the social stuff where looking back, I seem to do more of the buying.

 

I appreciate I still do a lot of things and am maybe not the most fiscally frugal, but the only areas I'm outspending are things that tend to be joint.

 

 

I feel like I still do have right to be a little bit aggrieved.

[PegNosePete]

£250 per month on social events (usually dinner, drinks etc that will involve both of us.

 

the social stuff where looking back, I seem to do more of the buying.

Yea, yet on this occasion she is going to go to the event herself but you can't go cos you're broke?

This stinks of "what's yours is mine but what's mine is my own".

I would be very unhappy with that arrangement too, OP.

[Andy_K]

LOL, what?

Completely untrue.

Salary Calculator 2015 2014, 2013, UK Tax Calculator 2015 2014 2013 , Listentotaxman PAYE income tax calculator, payslip, how much tax will i pay, national insurance, tax free allowances student loan repayment.

 

What that doesn't take into account, is things like child benefit & tax credits and so forth, which if you were a family with two kids, would render your effective take home pay nearly identical.

 

Not the case for childless people though.

[BikerAccnt]

Both parties get equal usage of the property, therefore each should pay an equal amount.

 

But really this kind of thing isn't good for the long term. Living with someone is not meant to be an accounting exercise. What do you do at Christmas and birthdays, tell each other how much you're going to spend so that you don't end up spending more on her than she spends on you?

 

What a terrible way to live.....

 

 

 

 

I disagree, how is it fair to pay an equal amount if you have unequal, especially very unequal incomes? Say I make 100k and you make 50k and the mortgage is 2k. Is it really fair that you pay the same as me? I think that shows a callous disregard for the other person, the one making less money.

 

 

And living together is very much an accounting exercise. Two people need to learn how to live with each others money. How it's done depends upon the couple.

 

 

But, as a divorced male, it is very much all about the accounting in the end.

[BikerAccnt]

The income-based dividing is really just a quick and partially-unfair solution that creates another problem. What happens when the guy makes $150k and the girl $20k, does she basically live rent free? It's making a business deal out of a relationship, and the lower-earner is like a government taxing on the other.

 

.

 

 

Then you don't allow yourself to fall in love with, and move in with a person making significantly less than you if that's important to you.

 

 

Love isn't about the money really, but how you deal with the money in your relationship, can say a lot about the depth of your love.

[PegNosePete]

I disagree, how is it fair to pay an equal amount if you have unequal, especially very unequal incomes?

Say you and me are best buddies and we go to the movies and for a meal afterwards every week. Too much hassle to split the bill each time so we just say I'll get it one week, you get it the next, sounds fair.

 

But if I make £20k and you make £100k, would it be fair for you to get 4 movie and dinners a month for us both, whereas I only pick up the tab once a month? You would probably say "no" to that, and rightly so. We are both getting exactly the same benefit, so we should be contributing equally... right?

 

Why is rent any different? You get 50% usage of a property, you put in 50% of the cost.

[BikerAccnt]

Pete, rent in a relationship with a woman you care about is a lot different than a few movies with your friends. I think you'd agree with that

 

 

And seriously, I generally split the tab with friends, however, if one of them is unemployed, or low on cash, I pick it up and just forget about them owing me.

 

 

Friends are different than serious romantic relationships. I treat romantic relationships differently than I do friendships. I think most people do. Romantic relationships are a blending of two people, friendships, though they can be close, are not.

[PegNosePete]

How is it a blending of 2 people if you're insisting on splitting the rent in accordance with your respective income levels??

 

Wouldn't a blending of 2 people mean a joint account, with NO individual spending for either of you?

[BikerAccnt]

How is it a blending of 2 people if you're insisting on splitting the rent in accordance with your respective income levels??

 

Wouldn't a blending of 2 people mean a joint account, with NO individual spending for either of you?

 

 

In a perfect world yes. But, that often leads to trouble if one is more of a spender and the other is a saver.

 

 

The best way is 3 accounts, one joint, and each their own separate for personal expenses.

 

 

How would there be NO individual spending anyway? Surely these people need to wear clothing!

[PegNosePete]

The best way is 3 accounts, one joint, and each their own separate for personal expenses.

Well that brings up the question, how much goes into each account? Each person contributes say £500 into the joint account and has the rest for their personal spending, or each puts in a percentage of their income? We're back at the same stalemate as before. Why should I pay more for the gas and electric bill when you use just as much, etc.

 

How would there be NO individual spending anyway? Surely these people need to wear clothing!

Yes but it would all be bought with "our" money, not "yours" or "mine".

[BikerAccnt]

Pete, you ever been married

 

 

And, what if one person decides to spend all of "our" money leaving nothing left for the other person, or the bills! This type of stuff does happen.

[PegNosePete]

Yes, unfortunately I have.

 

If one person spends it all then "we" are in trouble!

[FitChick]

It sounds like some people think that others should stay within their own "class." Rich people should only date and marry the rich and poor people should only marry their own kind. Sort of like in the Middle Ages.

 

If you aren't married, don't live together. Problem solved!

[jbelle6]

I think it can't all be chalked up to finances.

The couple of men I have lived with both earned WAY more than me. And no, I'm not a gold digger because my last ex is a student that makes nothing.

 

I think that you have to take into account other things than money. Sure, maybe one makes well into 6 figures and the other makes $40K, but maybe the lower earner cooks all his meals, has his clothes taken care of, and their house spotless. If she treats him sweet and loves him and makes him happy, what's wrong with that? Some guys might prefer to have that over a woman who earns more but is so busy she is rarely home. I just know the men I was with appreciated these things and I was never made to feel like I contributed less. In fact a lot of their friends were jealous.

 

I think nitpicking about finance is not good.

I would be unhappy about her buying a ticket without OP though, that is really mean.

[anne1707]

I'm surprised how wide open the debate is here.

 

I guess it wouldn't hurt to give a little more detail about where we spend money.

 

After the bills split, I think I roughly pay:

 

£100 per month towards my hobby

£150 per month on petrol

£50-100 on general every day expenses (drinks etc whilst out and about)

£100-150 per month on clothes (not an exact figure , it tends to be in spurts when I need things.

£250 per month on social events (usually dinner, drinks etc that will involve both of us.

£50-100 on leisure - games / DVDs

£100-200 savings

 

The major discrepancies will be petrol, where she spends about £60 per month, and the social stuff where looking back, I seem to do more of the buying.

 

I appreciate I still do a lot of things and am maybe not the most fiscally frugal, but the only areas I'm outspending are things that tend to be joint.

 

 

I feel like I still do have right to be a little bit aggrieved.

 

Do you know how your girlfriend spends her money to this level? That would help highlight whether she is spending wisely or badly.

 

Also.... Have you actually spoken to her about how you feel?

[FitChick]

My guess would be there are other problems in this relationship besides financial. This trip is just a symptom and distraction.

[readynow]

Maybe someone has already said, but is it possible that OP is a spender and she is a saver? He spends £150 monthly on clothes and £150 on drinks and £150 on his hobby monthly. What if she does none of that but saves her own£450 monthly for holidays and big things? Note that I haven't included the eating out together expenses.

 

One of my close friends is in this situation. They share every bill and joint expense down the middle and he earns about 10k more. He's always broke though because he only wears designer clothes and expensive accessories while she's happy to wear clothes from primark and watches from Argos. She's got savings while he just makes it month after month.

 

So OP needs to look into his expenses and see if he must spend that much on non-essentials monthly.

[iiiii]

It was generous of you to agree to pay more of the rent because you make more money. But if you are resenting it now, then maybe you need another arrangement. It's not true generosity if you are secretly angry or upset about it, or feel taken advantage of.

 

If you are offended that your girlfriend seems to have so much disposable income when you are paying more rent than she does, then I think your only real solution is to ask her to pay 50% of the rent and expenses.

 

Of course, if she's an excellent saver and you fritter your money away, she might still end up with more than you at the end of the month, and be able to go to events that you cannot.