lukekarts Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Ok so I earn more than my girlfriend, and because we were keen to live together I agreed to pay more rent - effectively we're splitting the rent and bills directly proportionately to our wages, £31k (58%) and £22k (42%). Now here's where it gets touchy and I realise this situation is probably always going to end up a little awkward. We've been invited to some events with friends later in the year, to which I've said (to some of them) I can't afford them; however my girlfriend has said she can afford it and is going without me. I don't have an issue with separate plans as we are quite comfortable with that, but I'm a little begrudging of the fact she can afford something I can't, when in a way I'm subsidising her living. I just don't know how to resolve the issue, because I can't equate whether I'm being unfair or even how I approach it if I am not. Any advise? Many thanks.
anne1707 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 A lot depends on other bills. How are you sharing other joint bills such as utilities and food etc? And then what other personal financial responsibilities do you have? Finally after all bills, how do you each manage your spend? Are you more frugal so don't spend whilst she would on this? Or is she more frugal so she can afford to spend on extras like this? 1
Author lukekarts Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 A lot depends on other bills. How are you sharing other joint bills such as utilities and food etc? And then what other personal financial responsibilities do you have? Finally after all bills, how do you each manage your spend? Are you more frugal so don't spend whilst she would on this? Or is she more frugal so she can afford to spend on extras like this? We split food 50:50, everything else in the same way as rent. So after tax and bills I have around £900 per month and she has around £6-700. We don't really spend money that differently. I have a hobby that costs me £100 or so per month (as an average, it's something that costs about £300 each, 3-4 time per year), and I do the bulk of the driving to joint things (paying petrol etc). We take turns buying dinner if we're out etc. She does have a little more in savings than me.
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 You kind of gotta let it go. Your rent isn't all that unequally divided but money does make people nutty. Talk to her if it bugs you. Perhaps you have different savings habits. 2
anne1707 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Which sounds like a pretty reasonable way of sharing costs IMO so she is meeting her part of the deal under the arrangements you have. Is it then that she feels a bit more willing to spend on these extras and you are just holding back? If so then maybe you could reach a compromise where she cuts back a bit and you let go a bit so you end up going to some of these events together. 1
Fondue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Since you have an arrangement in place based on income, you can't really say much or argue with her. If you didn't have an arrangement in place and you provided more than her only because you felt good about it (because you made more, so you "can" contribute more) and she still decided to spend the extra on doing whatever else that you cannot "afford," I would have a problem with that. 1
pteromom Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 It sounds like you are fairly splitting things, so how does she have money to go and you don't? Sounds like the only place for more negotiation is on petrol costs, which you are welcome to have her pay half the time (though it seems petty.) Does she just save more money than you? If so, you can't really get annoyed, unless you are annoyed at yourself for spending all your money. Maybe you can consider adding a savings account for vacations and events to your budget, and you can both put money into it with the understanding that it is used for BOTH of you to go. 4
carhill Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Ok so I earn more than my girlfriend, and because we were keen to live together I agreed to pay more rent - effectively we're splitting the rent and bills directly proportionately to our wages, £31k (58%) and £22k (42%). Now here's where it gets touchy and I realise this situation is probably always going to end up a little awkward. We've been invited to some events with friends later in the year, to which I've said (to some of them) I can't afford them; however my girlfriend has said she can afford it and is going without me. I don't have an issue with separate plans as we are quite comfortable with that, but I'm a little begrudging of the fact she can afford something I can't, when in a way I'm subsidising her living. I just don't know how to resolve the issue, because I can't equate whether I'm being unfair or even how I approach it if I am not. Any advise? Many thanks. Figure out your costs to live alone and add in the value of her companionship and see how that crunches out. 3
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Another thought that popped into my head while I was thinking about this . . . the next time she says she has money for something you think you can afford, point it out to her & perhaps see if you can get her to pick up your share for that one thing. For example I'm roughly using your figures: You pay $580 per month while she pays $420. In essence you pay $160 more per month or $1,920 per year. Even if she pays $300 one time for you to do something, she's still $1,600 ahead.
Author lukekarts Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 It sounds like you are fairly splitting things, so how does she have money to go and you don't? Sounds like the only place for more negotiation is on petrol costs, which you are welcome to have her pay half the time (though it seems petty.) Does she just save more money than you? If so, you can't really get annoyed, unless you are annoyed at yourself for spending all your money. Maybe you can consider adding a savings account for vacations and events to your budget, and you can both put money into it with the understanding that it is used for BOTH of you to go. I don't know, I don't feel like other than bills / petrol we spend much differently. Maybe I am buying dinner more often or offering to at too much. Part of me feels petty about it but part of me feels aggrieved too :-( We have a joint bank account where all the split stuff goes, the rest is separate. I'd feel petty having to ask to look at her bank statements to work out the differences.
pteromom Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I don't know, I don't feel like other than bills / petrol we spend much differently. Maybe I am buying dinner more often or offering to at too much. Part of me feels petty about it but part of me feels aggrieved too :-( We have a joint bank account where all the split stuff goes, the rest is separate. I'd feel petty having to ask to look at her bank statements to work out the differences. The more you can learn to let this go, the happier you will be. If you start making your relationship a tit-for-tat, comparative deal where you want to make sure everything is EQUAL, you are going to kill off romance and love. Remember that money is only part of the deal. As long as both partners are contributing to the success of the relationship, through finances, affection, housework, errands, favors, caretaking, whatever... then all is well. 7
writergal Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) I don't know, I don't feel like other than bills / petrol we spend much differently. Maybe I am buying dinner more often or offering to at too much. Part of me feels petty about it but part of me feels aggrieved too :-( We have a joint bank account where all the split stuff goes, the rest is separate. I'd feel petty having to ask to look at her bank statements to work out the differences. Not sure that having joint bank accounts was wise since you're not married to each other. If you spend more money for convenience (not necessity) like take-away dinners, etc., and hobbies, that's why you probably can't afford to attend this event that your girlfriend can. And I do think it is petty for you to judge your girlfriend for saving her money, because she earns less than you do. You're a spendthrift. That's not your girlfriend's issue. That's yours! Stop wasting your money and then complaining about not having any. The solution of course is to only spend your money on necessities like rent, utilities, medical bills and hobbies, and put the rest aside in savings. Stop wasting money on take-away food etc. and create a weekly budget for yourself, so that you can track your own spending and then hold yourself responsible. And you may want to discuss separating your bank accounts until you get your finances straightened out. Otherwise, financial problems is a very common reason that couples break-up. If one or both partners is fiscally irresponsible that can have serious consequences. Edited June 11, 2014 by writergal 2
lollipopspot Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 We've been invited to some events with friends later in the year, to which I've said (to some of them) I can't afford them; however my girlfriend has said she can afford it and is going without me. Well can you literally not afford them, or you just don't want to take that much of a bite out of your money? She may be valuing the events differently. Some people prefer to have a bigger cushion than others. There's nothing wrong with that, but just be clear about it. Is it possible you can equally afford it in reality, but you just want to leave a bigger cushion for yourself? You have more money to spend every month. Petrol costs aren't using up all that extra money. I would find your attitude about this whole thing a bit challenging to live with in a partner. I almost feel like you're blaming her for how you don't save your money very well. The way you are splitting expenses seems fairly equitable. 7
Author lukekarts Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Thanks guys. I guess it's not so much I can't afford it, but I don't like to be at £0 at the end of every month. I want to save money. I'll work on cutting down my spending elsewhere and not have this conversation with her, you're right. 3
writergal Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) Luke I'm sorry if I came down hard on you but I've just seen this issue with some of my coupled friends and it makes me cringe when I hear one partner complain about the other, but not take into account their own spending habits. We don't want you to be at £0 dollars either at the end of the month. Once you create a weekly budget for yourself, you'll be amazed at how easy it is to follow and how much you can set aside which you will be grateful for when those unforeseen emergencies like social events or medical crises happen. You'll be prepared for whatever comes. Edit: I save all of my receipts and then use those to balance against my bank statements and my checkbook. Saving receipts helps me see what I spend my money on too. You may want to try that just for a week and see how it goes. So no hard feelings. K? Edited June 11, 2014 by writergal
Elle1975 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Ok so I earn more than my girlfriend, and because we were keen to live together I agreed to pay more rent - effectively we're splitting the rent and bills directly proportionately to our wages, £31k (58%) and £22k (42%). Now here's where it gets touchy and I realise this situation is probably always going to end up a little awkward. We've been invited to some events with friends later in the year, to which I've said (to some of them) I can't afford them; however my girlfriend has said she can afford it and is going without me. I don't have an issue with separate plans as we are quite comfortable with that, but I'm a little begrudging of the fact she can afford something I can't, when in a way I'm subsidising her living. I just don't know how to resolve the issue, because I can't equate whether I'm being unfair or even how I approach it if I am not. Any advise? Many thanks. Sounds like a budget issue. My friends are always broke, and they make more than me. I budget my money, including my saving account. If she doesn't have a saving account, and the issue comes from her living from pay check to pay check, maybe you should request she opens one. If you guys plan a future together, money is a huge issue to discuss. Not only how to spend it, but how to save it. 2
TXGuy Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Since you agreed to this set-up, I think you are stuck with this situation and will just have to bear it. But I know that would be bothersome to me as well. The thing that would bother me the most is that (if this is the case) you are subsidizing her lifestyle and she does not appear to acknowledge or appreciate it (because it was agreed to up front, and is 'fair'). A couple of points to highlight: It is not just rent, it is all expenses except food. So, I would imagine that it includes utilities and who knows what else. Also, you are within a couple of percentage points of paying twice as much as her for living expenses. That has to hurt. Another thought. Is this 58/42 split based on pretax income? Due to your higher salary and progressive tax rates, you are likely paying over 58% of net. Anyway, I don't have any constructive advice for you. I just wanted to let you know someone else out there could see it from your point of view.
Author lukekarts Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 I can't believe you split the rent 58% to 42%. That sounds a bit like a business deal to me, not a relationship. When I last lived with a girl, I know I paid more than her, but I didn't have it broken down to the exact percentage, Maybe I'm wrong, but I think money might mean a bit too much to you here. Haha, it was only because we made a spreadsheet together whilst we were working out what we could afford, so that's the formula we used. It does seem very specific I admit.
BikerAccnt Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I can't believe you split the rent 58% to 42%. That sounds a bit like a business deal to me, not a relationship. When I last lived with a girl, I know I paid more than her, but I didn't have it broken down to the exact percentage, Maybe I'm wrong, but I think money might mean a bit too much to you here. This is a pretty typical arrangement actually. How else would you make it fair? Now if it's agreed one stays home and raises children or something like that it's a different matter. However for me, I'd expect anyone I'm sharing my life with to help with bills and expenses equally according to their income. And I'd really hope they feel the same way to. 1
Andy_K Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 It's obviously 'fair', but you might as well just split it 60:40, it's near as damnit the same and a whole lot easier to calculate. 58 42 just seems a bit... anal. Back to the topic - you're stuffed. Sounds like everything is split fairly but she's better at managing her money than you. If you want to go to the event, borrow some from her? Or take a small dip into your savings? If you have no savings then, again, it sounds like you just aren't that good at managing your money. 4
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I dont understand this sounds more like you have a flat mate than a partner.. why are you not putting all your money into a pot and paying everything out of it then splitting what is left for yourselves... neither of you will ever earn the same as the other this is asking for trouble x
PegNosePete Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 How else would you make it fair? Both parties get equal usage of the property, therefore each should pay an equal amount. But really this kind of thing isn't good for the long term. Living with someone is not meant to be an accounting exercise. What do you do at Christmas and birthdays, tell each other how much you're going to spend so that you don't end up spending more on her than she spends on you? What a terrible way to live..... 5
melodymatters Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Hmm, I find this VERY interesting. My H and my biggest problems come because he is a spendthrift and I am a saver. We contribute pretty equally to our expenses, but sometimes one is short and the other picks it up no problem as we ARE married and it usually evens out in the end. BUT, I think it's....weird to go to an event and not go with your partner if it's SOLELY about money. My H is my best friend and I usually WANT him to go with me to most things. I understand if he wants to skip the theatre or something "Girls Night" based, but a concert ? A wedding ? A rafting trip ? I would lend him the money if he was short or treat him if he wanted to go but couldn't afford it, but I just can't see just planning it without discussing it first ! Why ARE you not attending ? Simply because of cost ? Because you don't care one way or another and it's more her interest ? Did you two talk about it at all ? 2
Ruby Slippers Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I think it's problematic that she's accepting invitations to events without you, while enjoying the benefits of you paying more for the household expenses. If I were in her situation, I wouldn't accept invitations unless we could find a way for both of us to attend the event. In that case, I'd save the money and keep saving for another event in the future, one that we could attend together. You've shown the commitment and good faith to pay more of the household expenses. Where's her commitment and good faith? I would feel unappreciated and slighted in your position, and would definitely talk to her about it. 2
Baller25 Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 I almost feel like you're blaming her for how you don't save your money very well. The way you are splitting expenses seems fairly equitable. It's likely that he has more obligations than she does, and spends more on her than in return. He makes more and yet can't afford what she can so it's natural to get upset over his subsidy towards her rent. It's like when you see someone driving a much more expensive car than you do while they're on government welfare. OP needs to adjust the rent based on final net income, after taxes and obligations like student loans. I don't think the other posters realise that in the UK a salary of someone that makes say £50k ends up being very similar to someone that makes £30k once stealth taxes and general socialist costs are incurred. Also since when is income-based dividing fair? Just because someone earns more doesn't mean that they should pay more. Thats like going into a store and seeing prices based on what you make, and where deadbeats get everything for free. You guys aren't married so she shouldn't get to benefit financially at your expense, your effectively paying her to be your gf. OP ignore the "let this go" comments. If you let it go then your just being a doormat (women don't respect pushovers) and you will ultimately will build up resentment every time she spends money on things that you wouldn't. Your girl will also feel uncomfortable towards her own spending and it will lead to a break up. The only way is to divide costs 50/50 for all living costs, but then you can overspend on her for gifts or short trips as you earn more.
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