youngandhopeful Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Hi folks, turned to Loveshack as i need some insight into my problem. I booked a charity cycle ride with my friend around 2-3months ago. Its this Sunday, and annoyingly my GF told me a few weeks ago we have a wedding to goto on the saturday. I said i still want to goto the wedding, so i would not drink (so i can drive) and then just have minimal sleep after the wedding before the early (6am) start of the cycle race. However, her parents are currently in the middle of a breakup, and my GF and her mum have to move out of their home on Sunday to a new house. This was sprung on me today, and i dont know what to do. Obviously my GF is in a really cr@ppy place at the moment, and needs support from her man. However i am really keen to do the bike ride, and dont want to let me friend down by dropping out last minute. Would i be selfish to still go on the cycle? That would mean i cant help her move out, and also cant properly enjoy the wedding. Or do i forget about the cycle event, and enjoy the wedding, and help my GF when she clearly needs it. I think i can often be too selfish in relationships, so my moral compass just doesn't know what to do. I don't know if im being harsh, or if im being too soft. Any help would be amazing. The sooner the better!
Fondue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 You're in a tough situation, man. Some of the people on this forum will not like what I am going to write, but what I write is the truth: You should look out for #1. It is only ONE day. Your GF can get support from her mother/friends/etc. You will still attend the wedding, so it's not like you are ditching her. What does she expect you to do? Does she expect you to be with her for that day? Also, how long have you been dating her? What is your long term plan with her? If you guys are young and you have no serious long term commitments to her (I.E, marriage), then you owe it to yourself to go make yourself happy. Girls come and go, man. If you're not completely sure about this one, why stop your entire life for her?
Author youngandhopeful Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) Thanks for your input. We've been together for around 8-9 months. im 25, shes 24. I don't regard our relationship as a childish romance, but im not exactly counting the days to rush her down the aisle. It's a tough one, as its something ive had planned for so long (and am looking forward to). At the same time, I dont want to be the boyfriend who just abandoned her when she needed me. She has friends/family, but i dont think thats quite the same as your BF. Edited June 11, 2014 by youngandhopeful
HEY2147 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Dude use your head right now. If shes having a hard time you gotta be there man. Dont even think about going cycling just go to her and be there for her. This is the moment to be the MAN in this. Cancel the event to help her and her mom out. Be sincere ask both of them how they are feeling and if there is anything you can do for them let you know. Dont even mention cycling if she asks why you canceled say "This is more important". Be there for them. Your friends will still be your friends but if you let down your girl in a time like this she might not be your girlfriend for long. And she'll appreciate that you gave up your time to help her and her mom out. 4
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 is you gf on her period does she suffer from pms is she due to have her period, how does she feel when you have commitments to others...........
lollipopspot Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 is you gf on her period does she suffer from pms is she due to have her period What is this line of questioning about? 1
Author youngandhopeful Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 is you gf on her period does she suffer from pms is she due to have her period, how does she feel when you have commitments to others........... This is not a period issue lol
d0nnivain Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I'd go with the one that will cause you the least grief. Ask your buddy how he will feel if you bail on the charity bike ride. He'll probably be OK with it. Then ask your GF how she will feel if you go to the wedding with her & drive home, then do the bike ride but not help her move. She may be OK with it. If she pitches a fit, help her because you will get the most peace out of helping her not because she was the most badly behaved. When faced with a similar dilemma I went to the charity event I committed to months earlier & left my then BF (now husband) to move himself but then again men don't get quite as emotional when women don't help them move. I did go over before & help pack. 1
HEY2147 Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 is you gf on her period does she suffer from pms is she due to have her period, how does she feel when you have commitments to others........... (On that note) Yeah and whats her moms problem is she suffering menopause or something that she cant move out herself and deal with her own problems without crying to her duaghter for help. HA!
deathandtaxes Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Eight or nine months is a serious enough commitment. Help the gf out. It's the thing to do. If you had been dating for a month or two, then I say nay, that's not much of a commitment. But eight or nine months, you should have a good idea that you want to be with this lady for a while. Choose wisely.
Fondue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I'd go with the one that will cause you the least grief. Ask your buddy how he will feel if you bail on the charity bike ride. He'll probably be OK with it. Then ask your GF how she will feel if you go to the wedding with her & drive home, then do the bike ride but not help her move. She may be OK with it. If she pitches a fit, help her because you will get the most peace out of helping her not because she was the most badly behaved. When faced with a similar dilemma I went to the charity event I committed to months earlier & left my then BF (now husband) to move himself but then again men don't get quite as emotional when women don't help them move. I did go over before & help pack. In regards to the bolded. Funny you mentioned that, actually. That reminds me of what happened last summer. I was seeing a girl for a few months casually (she wasn't ready to '"label" our relationship but wanted me to be her pseudo-bf and be with her regardless), I had told her on a few occasions weeks before that I was not going to be available on her moving day. Anyway, two days before the actual move, she asks me when I'm going to show up to help her and her friends to move her stuff. I told her again that I was not available and what was even funnier, her friend told her the same thing. "Hey, listen, I was actually there a few weeks ago, he DID tell you he wasn't available. I heard it." She threw a fit. Was crying for several days about it. Very upset with me. Just over dramatic. What did she expect? I'm not her bf. So yah, I have to agree with d0nnivain. Maybe she'll be pissy about it. To end that story in case there was curiosity: Why wasn't I available? I had begun to see another girl because that one didn't wasn't ready for a commitment "yet." I went with the new girl to a ren faire event. Had an incredible time. She later became my current gf whom I care for dearly . That other girl? Soon after, she told me she "loved" me and "wanted to get married + have kids eventually." She wanted to finally be in a relationship with me. Too bad that ship had sailed. My buddy told me last week that she still talks about me to this day and believed I was "the one." Hah. 1
pteromom Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I would try to find a way to do both. You came up with a solution to go to the wedding AND do the ride, so that part is OK. Now you just have to find a way to support your gf on Sunday. How long is the ride? Can you go over afterward and help her move boxes, etc? Or take her out for dinner later that evening? Go over tonight and tomorrow night and help her pack? If you are able to be there for her at all times except for during your ride, and she throws a fit about it, I would worry about the future of the relationship. You have made a commitment to your friend to ride with him, so I would honor that commitment. 1
todreaminblue Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 What is this line of questioning about? some women feel overwhelmed when it is that time fo the moth.....the questioning is for this reason...... only the woman in question should be asked about what to do , if he wants to make her happy or not is his decision and he has to make it not us, but the factors for everything going well and not causing major problems is on both parties talking it out and knowing how each other feels and reacts in times of stress such as moving or that time of the month....it really depends on how she handles things and the ability to compromise and do things together to reach resolution that is satisfactory to both.....and none of us know her or him or th relationship dynamic together and stress factors that would cause rifts........i would say indecision causes rifts, confusion and lack of communication causes major issues as does listening to others who have no idea and i wanted to sort of point that out.....by questioning how well he knows his gf and why he would ask....about his relationship in a time of high stress....wedding moving marathon sort of stress.i would suggest focus on what is important to him and talk it out...............deb
angel.eyes Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 OP, it's all about your personal priorities, and what matters most to you. For me personally, I would be there to support my boyfriend if he were in such a difficult situation. It's not every day that someone has to deal with two of life's seven major stressors--divorce and moving house. Absolutely no question in my mind that my boyfriend would do likewise for me. Charity rides are a dime a dozen this time of year. I would simply pick a different one...maybe encourage my boyfriend to join me when I did pick another one so that he could get his mind off the situation. 4
Yookie Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 If she's is in such a bad situation then why is she still going to the wedding? Tell her you can help her move on Saturday (or help pack) and then Sunday you need to do the bike ride as planned. It's not fair for her to demand your entire weekend when you made these plans months in advance. 2
Els Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 In a long-term, committed R, I would ditch the cycle event and help support the SO through the parental divorce and moving process. If it was something like her just not wanting you to go cycle, I would've said you go and do what you want... but IMO her predicament is pretty real and significant. If your friend was a true friend (and you haven't made a habit of ditching plans before), he'd understand that you have to skip the cycle event to help your gf through this difficult time. Make it up to him after that. 1
Andy_K Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Is it still feasible to do both? If the cycle starts at 6am, surely it will finish in time for you to be able to help do some moving? Even if you're not there for the whole day, being there for part of it will make a world of difference to not turning up.
Author youngandhopeful Posted July 1, 2014 Author Posted July 1, 2014 Well, just to let you know, i did in fact cancel the cycle event. It was an all day event in London (miles away from home), so couldn't have managed both options. It was the right decision, and although it would have been better to make that decision sooner, my GF did appreciate it. I also didn't really mind as much as i thought i would about missing the event. As it happens, a few weeks down the line, we have broken up. I certainly don't regret my decision about the cycle event, but i guess you never know how things might turn out. :S 2
d0nnivain Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 I'm sorry you broke up but I'm glad that you remain at peace with the decision you made about this subject. 2
SoPeachy Posted July 1, 2014 Posted July 1, 2014 Well, just to let you know, i did in fact cancel the cycle event. It was an all day event in London (miles away from home), so couldn't have managed both options. It was the right decision, and although it would have been better to make that decision sooner, my GF did appreciate it. I also didn't really mind as much as i thought i would about missing the event. As it happens, a few weeks down the line, we have broken up. I certainly don't regret my decision about the cycle event, but i guess you never know how things might turn out. :S I feel like asking why did you guys break up but that's just me being nosy
Author youngandhopeful Posted July 2, 2014 Author Posted July 2, 2014 I feel like asking why did you guys break up but that's just me being nosy Im ok to explain. It came down to a difference in expectations. I think my GF needed more support than i am used to giving, and although i tried, i dont think i could naturally give her the love and support she desired. I dont have any hard feelings towards her, and i dont believe either of us were right or wrong, we were simply hardwired differently. She's a wonderful person though, so i just hope she find someone who can give her what she needs. Im afraid i wasnt the man to do it.
atmandu Posted July 3, 2014 Posted July 3, 2014 If her brother, father, mother or sister, child died... Then yes you should be there for her and cancel your plans. But her parents are having a breakup? That's it? Abandonment? It's not even a year since you been together. Best re-evaluate your sense of self worth and self dignity. (Hint: I hope you went on the trip with your buddy...and not ruined your strong friendship because other people with weak relationships cannot keep their **** and have it spill over to the rest of the world) These forum threads should be lessons for everyone reading: Do what you love and please the people that are special in your lives ... as long and deeply as you want to. Don't let anyone make you feel like you owe them anything.
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