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In love with co worker - girl in long term relationship too scared to break up?

mail9993322

By mail9993322
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mail9993322 New Member

mail9993322

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Hi

 

Over the back end of last year I went out a few times with a girl from work and fell in love with her. It turns out she has a boyfriend in a 6 yr long term relationship and they live together but she was having doubts about staying and was lonely and confused, not knowing what she wanted. She said she couldn't leave him so nothing happened and we just stayed as friends. We both tried but the feelings were still there, she then said that she had fallen in love with me, but still didn't know what she wanted. After a weekend away they took in January, she said that her relationship with her boyfriend was dead and that they were just living like friends (I think this has been the case for a while), she said she tried to break up but her boyfriend said that things would get better after he had finished Uni in March (which I think was the problem to start with as she wasn't seeing him a lot). She said that she couldn't throw away 6 years and had to try and work things out.

 

It's been really hard to see her around work, and 3 weeks ago I said I couldn't see or talk to her because of how I felt about her. Last weekend she text me saying that she couldn't stop thinking about me, that it was driving her crazy and she hoped that talking to me would help, she said that it didn't. I asked if she didn't have to go through with the break up, would she change things and she said she would wake up with me tomorrow. I asked why she hasn't broken up and she said she is not brave enough, she cannot throw away 6 years of her life, she's worried about making the wrong decision, she doesn't want to let her or his family down, that she is in too deep and she doesn't want to be alone. She said that no matter what I said I was a risk and she would rather be with her boyfriend than no one. I asked what would she do if he proposed, she said she would say yes because they are practically already married. Her responses are always really mixed up.

 

Early this week I asked whether her relationship was back with her boyfriend and she said it wasn't, that they were still living like friends.

 

I know she has acted totally wrong and cheated on her boyfriend, but I am completely in love with her. The hardest part for me is I know she isn't totally happy in the relationship, that she wants the intimacy back that is not there and she is staying just because she's too scared to go through with the break up.

 

I really don't know what I can do, I kind of know I should move on but its so hard with the situation as it is. It's clear to me that there isn't love there, not enough anyway and that she just seems too scared to go through with it. From what I have said does this seem to be the case?

 

Is there anything I can say to her to try and make her see what she is staying for are the wrong reasons? Do I stop contacting her again?

 

Lastly, even if someone wanted to leave a relationship, can fear and being scared make them stay in one they don't want to be in? Would she leave if she really wanted to? I'm worried that she sees herself as being trapped. I know her boyfriend is possessive of her which makes me wonder, as she herself said that he wouldn't leave her, and threatened to keep their cat if she wanted to leave when she tried to break up right at the start last year.

 

Sorry for it being so long.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted

Unless and until she breaks up with her boyfriend, I would seriously limit contact with her. She already knows she's with him for the wrong reasons now, and there's not much you can do to get her to change her mind. You are going to wind up hurt because she's too chicken sh*t to leave (and yes, I have been in her shoes) She needs to put on her big-girl pants and make a decision. If you don't mind being strung along and acting as the side piece, go forth. But I think you know you deserve someone who can be with you. She can't and it doesn't sound as though it's going to change any time soon.

 

Right now, it's not so bad for her. She has the comfort and security of a relationship and the excitement and thrill of a new guy. You are her boyfriend are the ones paying the price for her indecision.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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Posted

She would leave if she really wanted to.

 

 

Because you like her, you can't see the bad. Just remember this: If she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.

 

 

Proceed with caution.

 

 

Better to stay away until she comes to you free & clear of the other relationship. Until then, she's not available.

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deathandtaxes Established Member

deathandtaxes

Posted
Posted
She would leave if she really wanted to.

 

 

Because you like her, you can't see the bad. Just remember this: If she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.

 

 

Proceed with caution.

 

 

Better to stay away until she comes to you free & clear of the other relationship. Until then, she's not available.

 

 

 

QFT. She's using you as an emotional crutch, OP.

 

 

You're being strung along, you don't know the extent of the relationship, you don't know the truth. Don't believe anything. Just run away fast.

marcjb Established Member

marcjb

Posted
Posted

I'll say the same thing I say to everyone that wants someone that is taken. If they leave their partner for you, you better be prepared for the day they leave you for someone else.

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Assasda Established Member

Assasda

Posted
Posted

I didnt read the post. Got the gist from the the topic.

 

Anyway, youre being played, she's stringing you along.

The more pressure you put on her the more she's not going to be with you.

 

Have some respect for yourself

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mail9993322 New Member

mail9993322

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Thanks for the responses.

 

I just keep thinking she's staying for the wrong reasons in her relationship and is just too scared to leave, but I probably think that because it is what I want to think.

 

Can people be so insecure and lacking self esteem that they stay just so they have someone with them, if they don't love them deep down?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You are probably right. She's staying for the wrong reasons. Lots of people stay in bad situations. However, that is their choice. Even if you know better, you have to let them make their own mistakes.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted

Can people be so insecure and lacking self esteem that they stay just so they have someone with them, if they don't love them deep down?

 

Sure... but if that is the case, is she really someone you want to be with?

 

You can't help having feelings for her, but you can't let those feelings stop you from thinking rationally.

 

She's got a boyfriend. Unless that changes, the "whys" don't matter. She's not available to you, and you are just going to keep hurting yourself if you see her.

 

If she wants you enough, she'll find the strength to leave her boyfriend and come find you.

ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
Thanks for the responses.

I just keep thinking she's staying for the wrong reasons in her relationship and is just too scared to leave, but I probably think that because it is what I want to think.

 

Can people be so insecure and lacking self esteem that they stay just so they have someone with them, if they don't love them deep down?

 

What would it matter if you're right, though? The bottom line is that she is still with her boyfriend, and thus unavailable to you.

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